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47 Comments

I Love You But I've Chosen Points

Points-mocking Flash game forces achievement-enthusiast to reflect on entire existence.

AVOID SPIKES
I suppose it says something about me that I keep getting instant messages from various friends that say "HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FLASH GAME ABOUT ACHIEVEMENTS?"

The game, called Achievement Unlocked, is a clever meditation on the pointlessness of points, packing 100 achievements into a game about an elephant... who jumps around... and colors the stuff he touches. It's sort of like a ghetto version of Miner 2049'er, but the metagame is the real game.

The achievements are appropriately ridiculous, with on-screen pop-ups telling you that you've "found the main menu" or found "a way to move westward." There's even a hint page that tells you how to get all the achievements... aaand there's an achievement for viewing the hint page, too. The real game is seeing how quickly you can bust out all 100 of the goals. I think my best time was 365 seconds.

The crazy thing is that it totally works. It's a proper mix of stupidly easy goals and weirdly obscure stuff that you'll probably have to look up. Even as I knew my occasionally creepy love of points was being mocked, I still felt that I had to get them all.

Then I realized that this wasn't an Xbox Live Arcade game, and that playing it wasn't getting me any closer to 70,000. Still, it's a solid piece of humorous commentary on the points craze that has emerged over the past few years.

Check it out at Armor Games. Oh, and watch out, because the music will get stuck in your head. I keep humming it, and now it's spread to Ryan and Vinny, too. It's a good thing Brad is already out for the holidays. He's safe... for now.
Jeff Gerstmann on Google+
47 Comments
Posted by Jeff
AVOID SPIKES
I suppose it says something about me that I keep getting instant messages from various friends that say "HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FLASH GAME ABOUT ACHIEVEMENTS?"

The game, called Achievement Unlocked, is a clever meditation on the pointlessness of points, packing 100 achievements into a game about an elephant... who jumps around... and colors the stuff he touches. It's sort of like a ghetto version of Miner 2049'er, but the metagame is the real game.

The achievements are appropriately ridiculous, with on-screen pop-ups telling you that you've "found the main menu" or found "a way to move westward." There's even a hint page that tells you how to get all the achievements... aaand there's an achievement for viewing the hint page, too. The real game is seeing how quickly you can bust out all 100 of the goals. I think my best time was 365 seconds.

The crazy thing is that it totally works. It's a proper mix of stupidly easy goals and weirdly obscure stuff that you'll probably have to look up. Even as I knew my occasionally creepy love of points was being mocked, I still felt that I had to get them all.

Then I realized that this wasn't an Xbox Live Arcade game, and that playing it wasn't getting me any closer to 70,000. Still, it's a solid piece of humorous commentary on the points craze that has emerged over the past few years.

Check it out at Armor Games. Oh, and watch out, because the music will get stuck in your head. I keep humming it, and now it's spread to Ryan and Vinny, too. It's a good thing Brad is already out for the holidays. He's safe... for now.
Posted by MasterSplinter

I played Doritos Dash of Destruction last night for points... I feel sick.

Posted by TheGTAvaccine

Yep, played and beat this yesterday. Fun stuff.

Posted by Crono

ohh this is awesome idea, funny too!

Online
Posted by MattyFTM

I saw this the other day. It's an awesome idea.

Moderator
Posted by MisterSpiffy

Did you just beat it?  Or get all of the achievements?

Posted by artofwar420
Posted by DECA555

wow surprised to see this mentioned 

i just discovered it on newgrounds, logged on to GB and her it is 

strange 
Posted by TheKing

Finished in 1164 seconds. I'm not sure if I should feel proud or ashamed...

Posted by SuperMooseman

Did in 712 seconds on my first go.

Edited by Death_Burnout

Haha seems awesome, i'll try it for sure. I'm not surprised you like it, even if it is slightly mocking you.

And Brad is never safe!...wait...no, he's always safe! Brad's Brad!

Edit: yeah that was fun

Posted by insane_shadowblade85

Points, Trophies or whatever else is out there, it's all pointless.

Posted by AURON570

haha, Armor Games is awesome! i encourage everyone to check out their 2-D flash version of Portal.

Posted by Snail

The meaning of life, 42.

WIN!

Posted by sdauz

idk achievements can be fun to get and the sign on the dashboard is ohhh soo satisfying to get, sadly im still at 3500

Posted by ThomasP
Posted by rateoforange

This is pretty dull, and it's predicated on one joke that's crusty, ancient, and not all that funny to begin with. It's the flash game version of a full-length movie based on a SNL skit.

Posted by OneEyedNinja7

It was pretty fun. My time was embarrassing though.

Posted by Lies

Pretty fun. Neat idea.

Posted by TwoOneFive

im more into trophies now. they seem more...meaningful to me. 

Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw

I'm sorry... Jeff, did you say getting closer to 70,000?  Holy balls... and here I was all proud about getting over 6,000!

Moderator
Edited by jakob187

I'm gonna play Doritos: Dash of Destruction tonight for points.  Jeff, there is absolutely NO shame in being a points whore.  You know that.  Unfortunately, I've got a lot longer to go before I start getting close to you or even Vinchenzo.  However, I'm about to break 17k...and man, Banjo is so much fun!


You forgot to mention how fun Banjo is, Jeff.  That should be, like, a required thing...that you guys have to find a way to mention Banjo in a relative manner in EVERY story until the end of the year...lol.

Alright, stalker mode off.  -_-
Posted by darthzew

Wait a second! Elephants can't jump! 

Posted by TomboDemon

i couldnt move my elephant....

Posted by Kiemoe

I've been addicted to Newgrounds lately, and this game has been one of them that I loved. Achievements make me feel dirty..

Posted by jakob187

I would suggest that everyone checks out Hunted Forever if you haven't already.  That game is a great time-killer as well.

Posted by MordeaniisChaos

Jeff. I have decided you are the most appropriate entity to have my child. You have the achievement winfulness gene, the only gene of winfulness I don't have. Together, we shall forge the perfect child who just happens to have about 10 winjillion achievement points. And several creepy passions. If you choose not to accept however...
Well...

Lets just say you accept.

Also, lol. Its pretty hard o.o Like, getting 10 corpses in the pit...

Posted by FalcomAdol

YES! .. but I've Chosen Darkness.

Posted by Karmann

AH! GOT 100%!, ...what a waste of time. hehehe.

Posted by dsplayer1010

I ha like four left, then got bored.

Posted by StaticFalconar

stop mocking us.......lols

Posted by pikadeth

Once upon a time Jeff seemed so far beyond me. Now I'm within 10k of his score and all he has to show for it is this site!

Posted by PitifullPete

how the hell do i change color?

Posted by Relys

I thought the game was fun...

Did I just defeat the whole purpose of the point the game was trying to get across?

Posted by toadstule

Pretty fun timewaster.

Posted by StarFoxA

I started playing and then couldn't stop until I accidentally quit Firefox.

Posted by Wright

randomly call brad, hold the phone to the speaker playing the song for about a minute, then hang up.

Edited by Sweep

365 seconds? One second for every day of the year.

Creepy...

Moderator
Posted by Light_Bahamut

After a couple of run throughs, I got my time to 247. It's actually a very fun game if you race the clock.

Posted by hazzard4123

284 seconds. Phew. That was intense

Posted by Media_Master

o' boy, hearing of peoples point scores and trophies gets tiresome...

Posted by albedos_shadow

I refuse to acknowledge my problem. I can stop anytime I want. Seriously. I could.

Posted by Chopstix

WOOHOO! 313 sec... errrr......... is this coming to Xbox Live Arcade anytime soon?

Posted by Duckbutter

before PS3 trophies and before i had an Xbox, i thought achievements earned you discounts on DLC. when i found out they didn't i said "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" how pointless. i understand achievements add more 3rd-legs to a game but i hope the video game culture in general ain't replacing more game content with achievements. i'd hate to see a good idea be used as a crutch for lazy ass uninspired non-improvising sucka ass developers.

Posted by lamegame621

I can totally stop anytime I want.

Posted by ssargentshooter

GOT THEM ALL!!! :)

Posted by Geno

Took me 30 Minutes first try ><