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Giant Bomb News

306 Comments

The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

One of the easiest and best ways to judge a video game console's graphical prowess has, quite literally, been cut. Guess it's back to counting lines of resolution?

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

No Caption Provided

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

No Caption Provided

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

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Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

Jeff Gerstmann on Google+

306 Comments

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cmblasko

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Edited By cmblasko

What a fantastic article. Couldn't believe it when I heard about it. Truly the end of an era.

Surely there is a team of artists over at THQ scrambling to update the hair on Triple H's WWE 13 model as we speak.

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napalm

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Edited By napalm

Speaking of hair, I think Saints Row: The Third and Brink has some of the best hair in games, (nobody played Brink, so I guess it doesn't matter), but SR:TT's hair is awesome. And I like Skyrim's hair as well. I don't know if you'd count it as, "good" hair, though.

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musubi

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Edited By musubi

I demand a sappy tribute video.

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KaiUnderneath

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Edited By KaiUnderneath

I THOUGHT THE "H" STOOD FOR "HAIR"...NOW WHAT?!?!

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Phatmac

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Edited By Phatmac

Video game journalism at its finest. Right here.

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joeac

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Edited By joeac

5/5 article.

Would read again.

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PrinceRhaegar

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Edited By PrinceRhaegar

@Demoskinos said:

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

God damnit this was the comment I was going to make

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beargirl1

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Edited By beargirl1
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SexyToad

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Edited By SexyToad

Can we sue him?

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Justin258

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Edited By Justin258

God, I'm so glad graphics improved from that '90's. That's just a really bad eyesore.

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DanK_

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Edited By DanK_

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR.

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woodroez

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Edited By woodroez

I'm glad to see Jeff bearing witness to the most heinous thing to ever happen in professional wrestling.

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deactivated-5d7bd9e4bef30

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There is no more Hunter Hearst Helmsley, now there is only Jean Paul Levesque.

Man, couldn't he at least have had Damien Sandow or some up and coming heel get the rub by winning a hair vs hair match against him? What a selfish dick!

Imagine if he is like Samson and he's lost his power to be able to decide who wins and loses matches backstage anymore!

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beepmachine

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Edited By beepmachine

It's a sad day. Pour one out.

Bret Hart was the best though.

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Video_Game_King

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Edited By Video_Game_King

I feel bad that I thought Triple H was Hulkin' Hulk Hogan.

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jdw519

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Edited By jdw519

Well, cancel the new consoles, video games are over...

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Vyper

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Edited By Vyper

R.I.P. Triple H'air

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joshth

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Edited By joshth

God dang it Gerstmann, this is the best news story.

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musubi

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Edited By musubi
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Milkman

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wafflez

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Edited By wafflez

I dont know what to believe anymore.

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zeforgotten

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Edited By zeforgotten
@LadyShayne said:

He doesn't even look like Triple H in that first pic. The haircut paired with the suit seems...lawyer worthy. A sad day indeed.

He does actually look like a sleezy "lawyer". 
Like one of those that con people out of their money by acting like a lawyer and then just running off with the customers money. 
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BlazeHedgehog

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Edited By BlazeHedgehog

Jim Sterling posting about Healthcliff replacing Link in the Zelda games is not an example I think people should follow.

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Phished0ne

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Edited By Phished0ne

Botchamaniaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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abendlaender

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Edited By abendlaender

I don't know what's going on anymore. Who am I and what am I doing here? What are you people? Appleshake! Aaaaaaaaargh......

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Rabid619

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Edited By Rabid619

What do we do, you guys? Who will carry the torch for 90's wrestlers hair now?

I feel as if a part of me has died on this day. RIP HHH hair.

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AlexanderSheen

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Edited By AlexanderSheen

The horror...

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sjschmidt93

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Edited By sjschmidt93

I love it.

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Bozar

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Edited By Bozar

Journalism!

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SlightConfuse

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Edited By SlightConfuse

Triple h burying video game graphics what else is new

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Pudge

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Edited By Pudge

Me and a buddy were just talking about this, it is perfect that Giant Bomb has it covered in the news section.

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SirOptimusPrime

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Edited By SirOptimusPrime

AAAH I DON'T WANT TO READ THIS.

MY LIFE.

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Pop

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Edited By Pop

awesome article.

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CharAznable

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Edited By CharAznable

I don't know what to believe in any more, man.

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musubi

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Edited By musubi

@Pudge said:

Me and a buddy were just talking about this, it is perfect that Giant Bomb has it covered in the news section.

The first thing I did when I found out about this is tweeted gerstmann. HE HAD TO KNOW.

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emem

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Edited By emem

Haha.

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Magicallystoopid

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Edited By Magicallystoopid

No...Nooo.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

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Death_Burnout

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Edited By Death_Burnout

NOOOOOOOOOOO. Fuck you Jeff, you just don't know what good hair is...

Actually no I was hoping this would happen, it's pretty awesome. Looks great in the suit and tie role!

Come to think of it, that terrible Lesnar match was the last time we'd see the...awesome...hair, unless it comes back in time for Wrestlemania or whatever his 'last' match is. Also it was only "stringy" as you say, Jeff, when it was wet, which makes sense duh.

But yes, I agree, wrestlers with long hair is dumb, and I'm glad it's dying out. There was a time though, there was a time. Currently Heath Slater pulls it off because it's so so terrible that it's great. I have no idea what happened to John Morrison but, man that hair was to die for...THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO.

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Clonedzero

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Edited By Clonedzero

there is no god!!!

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omghisam

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Edited By omghisam
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viking_funeral

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Edited By viking_funeral

This article is not what I thought it was.

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deactivated-5d7bd9e4bef30

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One man needs to step up npw for terrible long hair so he can be modeled in the next WWE game, And that man should be a returning Kenny Omega from Japan!

KENNY! FREAKIN' OMEGA!

I mention him and his greatness some in this thread. gleefully recounts the story of Yoshihiko which you see Kenny go full Zangief on in the first two vids here. He can feud with USA GUY for having turned his back on his country when he quit his developmental deal with the WWE and went to wrestle in Japan! THIS IS FIGUREATIVELY PRINTING MONEY ALREADY!

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cannonballbam

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Edited By cannonballbam

It just means we need to work on our beard physics.

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seannao

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Edited By seannao

"We all know who cut my mic, but who cut your hair?" -CM Punk

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ProfessorK

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Edited By ProfessorK

At first I thought this was going to be about HHH dying, then I read the title again and knew exactly what it was about. Now I know Jeff watches Botchamania, all is well with the world.

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alistercat

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Edited By alistercat

That video is fantastic.

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Quarters

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Edited By Quarters

I expect to look outside and just see the entire world in flames.

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TheSouthernDandy

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Edited By TheSouthernDandy

I feel so lost now...