ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER WHO IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANTBOMB COMMUNITY FOR HIS UNSEEMLY AND AUDACIOUS COMMENTARY ONLY PLAYS XBOX SO HE DOESNT WANNA HEAR ANY FUCKING SHIT ABOUT HOW HE FORGOT SOME PLAYSTATION GAME BECAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW ABOUT IT HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT IT HE CANT PLAY IT AND HE DOESNT GIVE A FUCK. HE HAS A WII BUT FUCK A WII. AND HE HAS A COMPUTER THAT AINT FIT TO RUN MINESWEEPER SO HE DOESNT WANNA HEAR ANY FUCKING SHIT ABOUT A PC EITHER
ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DRINKS KESSLER. HIS TRUTH IS MARCHING THE FUCK ON AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF
10. NBA JAM ON FIRE EDITION
FAR AS IM CONCERNED THEY MIGHT AS WELL CALL THIS NBA JAM BILL LAIMBEER IS A FUCKING GOD EDITION. NOW YOU TOO CAN BE GOD LAIMBEER: WHETHER HES DRAINING PERIMETER SHOTS OR WAITING FOR A WHISTLE THATS NEVER GONNA COME OR SENDING LARRY BIRDS BITCHSTINKING ASS SPRAWLING ALL OVER HIS OWN PARQUET FLOOR THE GLORY OF LAIMBEER CAN FINALLY BE YOURS. HOLY SHIT LAIMBEER OWNS
9. YOU DONT KNOW JACK
IT AINT LIKE I NEED YET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO DEMONSTRATE MY TOTAL FUCKING INTELLECTUAL DOMINANCE OVER EVERYBODY ONLINE AND OFF BUT FUCK IT ILL TAKE IT ANYWAY
8. GEARS OF WAR 3
I DONT REALLY GIVE A LAZYASS SUNDAY AFTERNOON FUCK ABOUT THE STORYLINE OR DOM OR MARCUS OR THAT GREAT BIG FOOTBALL PLAYING MOTHERFUCKER OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ZEROS THEY GOT BACKING THEM UP ALL I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IS HORDE MODE AND HORDE MODE FUCKING RULES
7. TOY SOLDIERS COLD WAR
THIS GAME PAYS HOMAGE TO A GLORIOUS TIME IN THIS COUNTRYS HISTORY WHEN PEOPLE WERENT ASHAMED OF HOW MUCH AMERICA ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OWNS. IT WAS THE TIME OF RED DAWN IT WAS THE TIME OF SURVIVOR (THE BAND NOT THE WACKASS TV SHOW) AND IT WAS THE TIME OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BUILDING ENOUGH NUKES TO BLAST THIS ENTIRE MISERABLE FUCKING PLANET INTO DUST SIXTEEN TIMES OVER. THE ONLY THING THE 80S DIDNT PROVIDE WAS FULL SCALE WAR AND TOY SOLDIERS COLD WAR BRINGS EXACTLY THAT. IT IS TOTAL FUCKING AMERICAN OWNAGE. ALSO YOU CAN STILL GAS THESE LITTLE PLASTIC FUCKERS TO DEATH WHICH PROBABLY VIOLATES THE GENEVA CONVENTION OR SOME SHIT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DONT GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE THE AMERICA I KNOW AND LOVE DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WANTS
6. BATMAN ARKHAM CITY
ITS BATMAN OWNING FUCKERS ENOUGH SAID
5. BATTLEFIELD 3
MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT THIS IS THE BEST MULTIPLAYER MILITARY FPS THIS GENERATION AND BETWEEN THE ENVIRONMENTAL DESTRUCTION THE TEAMWORK THE VEHICLES AND THE MAPS THERES NO TOUCHING IT. BUT I GOTTA SAY BATTLEFIELD 3 WAS A LITTLE BIT OF A DISAPPOINTMENT ESPECIALLY SINCE EA SPENT THE BETTER PART OF 2011 SWINGING THEIR DICK LIKE A HEAVY BAG ALL OVER THE INTERNET ABOUT HOW AWESOME IT WAS GONNA BE. MONTHS AND MONTHS OF HYPE AND SHITTALKING AND PECKER CONTESTS WITH ACTIVISION BUT IN THE END YOU COULD TELL THEY RUSHED THAT SHIT OUT LIKE A HOBO AT THE MARRIOTT BECAUSE THERE WERE A LOT OF STUPIDASS ISSUES LIKE MAKING YOU START A GAME IF YOU WANNA KIT OUT YOUR RUSSIAN AND SQUADMAKING BEING A TOTAL PAIN IN THE BALLS AND FORCING YOU TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT ROUND TO BEGIN IF YOU WANNA QUIT BETWEEN GAMES. I MEAN HOLY SHIT DICE I JUST WANNA BAIL ON THIS CHICKENSHIT CREW HOW COME ITS GOTTA TURN INTO A TRIP TO THE MOTHERFUCKING DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES. THE SINGLEPLAYER PRETTY MUCH BLOWS TOO FUCK IT I DIDN’T EVEN FINISH IT. AND FOR ALL THEIR DICK DANGLING ABOUT FROSTBITE TWO POINT WHATEVER THE DAMN THING IS IT SEEMS LIKE BATTLEFIELD 3 HAS LESS DESTRUCTION THAN BATTLEFIELD BAD COMPANY 2. AH WELL FUCK IT BECAUSE EITHER WAY IT STILL KICKS THE GRAPE NUTS SHIT RIGHT OUT OF MODERN WACKFARE 1.03
4. MORTAL KOMBAT
MOOOOOOOORTAAAAAAAAL KOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEAH KOMBAT BITCH. MORTAL MOTHERFUCKING KOMBAT. IT IS KOMBAT AND IT IS OWNAGE. IT FUCKING OWNS YOU. AND MORE THAN ANY OTHER PROPERTY OUT THERE KOMBAT UNDERSTANDS THE NATURE OF OWNAGE AND THE FACT THAT IN ALL THINGS ONE MUST ABUSE HUMILIATE AND ABSOLUTELY DESTROY HIS OPPONENT. TOTAL VICTORY MEANS TOTAL FUCKING ANNIHILATION AND REALLY IN THAT RESPECT KOMBAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AHEAD OF THE CURVE. FUCKING NFL ALL FINING PLAYERS FOR FLAGRANT HITS AND DIALING BACK THE VIOLENCE AND MOTHERFUCKERS ALL HUGGING EACH OTHER OUT ON THE FIELD KOMBAT SAYS FUCK ALL THAT. AND IN THE GRADE SCHOOLS KIDS GETTING AWARDED PARTICIPANT RIBBONS AND GETTING TOLD EVERYBODY IS A WINNER KOMBAT SAYS DEFINITELY FUCK THAT TOO BECAUSE EVERYBODY ISNT A WINNER. SOME PEOPLE ARE WINNERS AND SOME PEOPLE ARE LIMBS AND CHUNKS STREWN ALL OVER THE FUCKING ARENA. BASICALLY KOMBAT SAYS I FUCKING OWN YOU AND IF I GOTTA IMPALE YOU AND SPIN YOU AROUND LIKE A GODDAMN PINWHEEL AND SLICE OFF ALL YOUR EXTREMITIES TO DEMONSTRATE THAT FACT TO YOUR DISBELIEVING ASS THEN MOTHERFUCKER THATS WHAT IM GONNA DO
3. SAINTS ROW THE THIRD
MURDER TIME FUN TIME FUCK YEAH HOLY SHIT THIS SHITS CRAZIER THAN CHRISTIAN BALE IN HARSH TIMES SO FUCKING CRAZY I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE THE FUCK TO BEGIN. ANYBODY WHOS AWESOME ALREADY PLAYED THE FIRST TWO SO THE BREADTH OF OWNAGE ON DISPLAY HERE DOESNT COME AS A SURPRISE BUT THE THIRD REFINES ALL THE BALLSOUT FUCKING INSANITY OF THE FIRST TWO AND IS THE PINNACLE OF BONKERSASS HELLSBELLSASS OPEN WORLD GAMEPLAY. LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS TO SEE IN MOVIES IS SOME INNOCENT BYSTANDER GETTING KNOCKED ON HIS ASS AND THATS THE SENSIBILITY OF THE ROW RIGHT THERE. ONLY DRAWBACK ON THIS ONE IS THERES NO FUZZ MISSIONS THIS TIME AROUND BUT PROFESSOR GENKIS SUPER ETHICAL WHATEVER THE FUCK MORE THAN MAKES UP FOR IT. NOT TO MENTION KILLBANE THE WALKING MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE AKA THE GREATEST FUCKING VIDEOGAME VILLAIN SINCE I CREATED MYSELF IN SMACKDOWN VS RAW 2007. BASICALLY THE ROW FUCKING OWNS AND IF YOURE STILL BEING A POUTING LITTLE GTA FANBOY BITCH AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ACTING LIKE PEOPLE WERENT GETTING BEAT TO DEATH WITH DILDOS IN ROCKSTARS GAMES ITS TIME TO MAN THE FUCK UP AND RECOGNIZE THE ROW
OH AND ALL THESE ASSHOLES MAKING A FUCKING FUSS ON THE INTERNET ABOUT GETTING NATHAN FUCKHEAD FILLION CAST IN AN UNCHARTED MOVIE NEED TO REDIRECT THEIR PATHETIC FUCKING EFFORTS TO GETTING DANIEL DAE KIM ONSCREEN AS JOHNNY MOTHERFUCKING GAT
2. ELDER SCROLLS V SKYRIM
THIS WOULD PROBABLY BE NUMBER ONE IF I COULD ACTUALLY PLAY THE FUCKER BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THE LAST PATCH TURNED MY CHARACTER INTO A FUCKING CENTURY BOB AND DICKED MY GRAPHICS ALL UP. AND I CANT EVEN IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE FOR YOU PLAYSTATION OWNERS OUT THERE I MEAN HOLY SHIT IM SURPRISED YOURE NOT ALL RUNNING FUCKING RIOT OVER THE BUSTEDASS VERSION YOU GOT ON PS3 SO I GOT A LITTLE BIT OF SYMPATHY FOR YOU ALL. SO YEAH FUCKED UP QUESTS FUCKED UP GRAPHICS FUCKED UP CHARACTER BUILDS FUCKED UP DRAGONS AND PATCH AFTER PATCH AFTER PATCHES ON THE FUCKING PATCH THIS THING IS A GAMING DISASTER SO UGLY THAT EVEN CLEA DUVALL COULD ONLY HOPE TO COMPETE AND YET IT STILL OWNS ALL SO WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT TELL YOU
1. TROPICO 4
YEAH I HEAR TELL THAT TROPICO 4 AINT MUCH DIFFERENT THAN TROPICO 3 BUT I DIDNT PLAY TROPICO 3 SO KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES YOU NITPICKING MOTHERFUCKERS. I KNOW THIS PICK MIGHT BE A SURPRISE TO THOSE WHO KNOW ME AND THOSE WHO DONT DONT GIVE A FUCK EITHER WAY SO IM GONNA BREAK IT DOWN. BY MY COUNT TROPICO 4 IS THE BEST GAME OF 2011 BECAUSE LIKE THE BEST EXPERIENCES IN GAMING IT BRINGS DREAMS TO LIFE. MAYBE SOME OF YOU GUYS WANTED TO BE FIGHTER PILOTS WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE SO YOURE STOKED ABOUT ACE COMBAT AND MAYBE SOME OF YOU OTHERS WANTED TO BE SOME LOWRENT INDIANA JONES WANNABE SO YOU WERE LINED UP FOR THAT UNCHARTED SHIT FIRST DAY. OR MAYBE SOME OF YOU WANTED TO BE A GALLANT KNIGHT WHOSE FRIENDS ARE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO FUCK HIM IN THE ASS SO DRAGON AGE II IS YOUR SHIT. WELL FOR MY PART MY WHOLE LIFE I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN AFRICAN WARLORD AND EVEN THOUGH IN TROPICO YOURE NOT A AFRICAN YOURE STILL AN AWESOME DICTATOR SO THIS GAME BROUGHT MY CHILDHOOD FANTASIES RIGHT HOME TO MY XBOX. WHETHER IM EXECUTING SOME ASSHOLE DISSIDENT OR FLEECING THE PEASANTS LIKE THE DUMBASSES THEY ARE OR BUILDING AN ENTIRE ISLAND OF BARS AND STRIP JOINTS WITH STATUES OF SU EXCELENCIA PRESIDENTE MOTHERFUCKER ON EVERY CORNER TROPICO 4 IS LIKE A WINDOW INTO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I RULE LITERALLY INSTEAD OF JUST FIGURATIVELY. AND THE POSSIBLITIES HERE ARE FUCKING ENDLESS: YOU CAN FIRE EVERYBODY JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. YOU CAN TELL THE POPULATION TO TAKE THEIR ELECTION AND STICK IT UP THEIR FUCKING ASS. YOU CAN HAVE A PRIEST GUNNED DOWN ON THE STREET RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FUCKING CHURCH. YOU CAN ARREST PEOPLE FOR NOT LIKING YOU AND SHIP THEM OFF TO REEDUCATION CAMPS AND FIVE YEARS LATER HAVE THEM LICKING YOUR BOOTS WITH THE BEST OF THEM. YOU CAN TAKE FOREIGN AID FROM THE SUPERPOWERS SPEND IT ON A NUKE AND THEN TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES. YOU CAN APPOINT SOME STUPID UNEMPLOYED FUCK NAMED JUANITO AS YOUR MINISTER OF EDUCATION AND THEN EXECUTE HIM FOR DOING A SHIT JOB AND THATS TWO ACHIEVEMENTS RIGHT THERE. YOU CAN PUT A GENOCIDE ON WHATEVER GROUP YOU PERSONALLY HATE WHETHER ITS THE RICHBITCH CAPITALISTS THE BROKEDICK COMMUNISTS THE SHITHEAD ACADEMICS THE JESUSFREAK RELIGIOUS TYPES THE BITCHASS ENVIRONMENTALISTS OR EVEN THE CANADIANS. YOU CAN CLOSE THE BORDERS BAN ALL IMPORTS BURN DOWN THE FARMS AND WATCH THE ENTIRE NATION STARVE TO DEATH. BASICALLY YOU CAN TURN THIS TROPICAL PARADISE INTO AN EARTHLY HELL OF POLLUTION CORRUPTION MURDER AND MISERY WHILE LINING YOUR OWN POCKETS OFF THE DUMB FUCKS WHO SUFFER UNDER YOUR AWESOME RULE. HOLY SHIT ITS BETTER THAN AN ANTFARM. POWER CORRUPTS AND ABSOLUTE POWER ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OWNS. VIVA EL ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKERS
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