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ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER'S TOP 10 GAMES OF 2013

THE RUMORS OF THE ZODIAC'S DEMISE HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED.

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER IS SOME ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET. HES NOT A WRITER HES NOT SOME KIND OF ELABORATE INSIDE JOKE HES NOT JEFF GERSTMANNS ALTER EGO IN FACT HES NOT INVOLVED WITH THE VIDEOGAME INDUSTRY IN ANY CAPACITY WHATSOEVER. AND BEING THAT HE IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANT BOMB COMMUNITY IT IS UNCLEAR WHY THE FUCK HES FEATURED HERE AT ALL. HELL HE DIDNT EVEN PLAY HALF THE SHIT EVERYBODY AROUND HERE HAS BEEN SHORTSTROKING IT OVER ALL YEAR LONG. THE LAST OF US? NOPE DIDNT PLAY IT. BROTHERS? DIDNT PLAY THAT EITHER. BIOSHOCK INFINITE? NEVER PLAYED ANY OF THAT BIOSHOCK SHIT EVER. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT ZODIAC WOULD PROBABLY RATHER BE WATCHING MIAMI VICE ON THE ESQUIRE CHANNEL RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF WRITING A BUNCH OF SHIT THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE JUST GONNA PISS AND MOAN AND CRY ABOUT ANYHOW LIKE THEY DO EVERY FUCKING YEAR. YET WE TREAD ON HEEDLESS. ZODIAC CORDIALLY INVITES YOU TO FORWARD ALL CONCERNS TO THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DRIVES LINCOLN LISTENS TO MOBILE DEATHCAMP AND DRINKS KESSLER. BEND THE KNEE AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF

10. PAYDAY 2

SUPPOSEDLY YOU CAN PULL OFF THE PERFECT ROBBERY IN THIS GAME BUT FUCK IF IVE EVER SEEN IT DONE. EVERY JOB IVE EVER BEEN ON ENDED UP WITH MORE DEAD COPS THAN THE FUCKING MATRIX. BASICALLY ITS LIKE PULLING A BANK HEIST WITH WAINGRO MR BLONDE RICHIE MADANO AND THAT DUMB MOTHERFUCKER IN PARKER WHO WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT TITTIES TO DO HIS FUCKING JOB

9. KILLER INSTINCT

ULTRAAAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUCK YEAH KILLER INSTINCT MAKING ITS GLORIOUS RETURN I GUESS. KIND OF A WACK FRANCHISE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT PUNCHING A MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FACE SIXTY FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW IS A WINNING FORMULA NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT. A GAME THAT TRULY CAPTURES THE JOY AND WONDERMENT OF PUTTING A NEEDLESSLY PROTRACTED AND ONESIDED ASSBEATING ON A DEFENSELESS OPPONENT

8. STATE OF DECAY

FINALLY A ZOMBIE GAME THAT FOCUSES ON REAL SURVIVAL WITH RESOURCE SCAVENGING AND BRUTAL PERMADEATH AND A SMART PERSISTENCE SYSTEM THAT WIPED OUT MY SURVIVORS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING HAMSTERS I FORGOT TO WATER BEFORE GOING ON VACATION. BUT HONESTLY IF YOU NEED A REPROBATE LIKE MYSELF TO TAKE CARE OF YOU 24/7 THEN YOUR SITUATION WAS PROBABLY FUCKED FROM THE JUMP

7. BATMAN ARKHAM ORIGINS

BATMAN PROVING YET AGAIN THAT TORTURE IS RIGHT TORTURE IS GOOD AND TORTURE WORKS. THATS BATMAN: MAKING THE HARD CHOICES THAT YOU PUSSIES CANT MAKE

6. CIVILIZATION V BRAVE NEW WORLD

THE BRAVE NEW WORLD EXPANSION PACK ALLOWS CIVILIZATIONS TO SET UP TRADE ROUTES AND BUILD MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONS WITH THEIR NEIGHBORS WHILE CREATING TIMELESS WORKS OF ART AND ESTABLISHING CULTURAL TRADITIONS THAT ENLIGHTEN NATIONS THE WORLD OVER. THEN I NUKE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM

5. BATTLEFIELD 4

HA I MEAN SHIT DONT BUY THIS GAME OR ANYTHING BECAUSE ITS BUSTED AS FUCK AND YOULL END UP SPENDING MORE TIME SITTING THERE WITH YOUR PECKER IN YOUR PAW WAITING TO GET IN A GAME THAN YOU WILL ACTUALLY PLAYING THE FUCKING THING. BUT STILL BATTLEFIELD IS ALL ABOUT RUNNING OVER FUCKERS WITH TANKS AND BLASTING A JET OUT OF THE SKY AND SENDING IT STRAIGHT INTO THE GROUND LIKE A FUCKING LAWN DART AND COLLAPSING ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDINGS ON SQUADS OF ASSHOLES TRYING TO KILL YOU SO I GOTTA INCLUDE IT ON THE LIST. BECAUSE WHEN IT WORKS ITS THE GREATEST SHIT EVER. PROBLEM IS IT NEVER FUCKING WORKS

BUT AS AN ASIDE HOLY SHIT FUCK EA. RELEASING THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF SUCH A MAJESTIC FRANCHISE IN THIS CHRISTAWFUL STATE IS A MOTHERFUCKING OUTRAGE

4. INJUSTICE GODS AMONG US

NETHERREALM KNOWS OWNAGE AND THE PHENOMENAL FUCKING GAMEPLAY OF INJUSTICE BEARS THAT OUT. WHETHER IM BREAKING BATMANS BACK WITH BANE OR LAUNCHING THAT DOGS DICK LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER SINESTRO THROUGH THE MOON WITH ZOD OR RUNNING TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND NINETY ONE MILES JUST TO BEAT WONDER WOMANS FUCKING ASS WITH FLASH THE OWNAGE CONTAINED IN INJUSTICE IS DAMN NEAR UNQUANTIFIABLE. BUT THEN THERES THE STORYLINE: INJUSTICE IMAGINES A WORLD WHERE SUPERMAN AT LONG LAST DECIDES TO FULFILL HIS DESTINY AND SAYS FUCK IT IM JUST GONNA OWN EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYBODY. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: EXECUTING THAT ASSHOLE JOKER. SOMEBODY SHOULDVE THOUGHT OF THAT A LONG MOTHERFUCKING TIME AGO. AND HA CHECK THAT FUCKING FOSSIL SHAZAM ALL THINKING HE COULD BACKTALK SUPERMAN AND GETTING HIS FUCKING ASS BROILED FOR HIS TROUBLE. TRULY ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF OWNAGE IN THE GAMING YEAR 2013

3. SAINTS ROW IV

AS I ALWAYS SAY THE GREATEST GAMES MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE AND MY DREAM IS TO SET FUCKERS ON FIRE WITH MY MIND WITH ASHLY HOTNESS BURCH ON MY ELBOW WHILE KEITH DAVID DOES THE FUCKING ROBOT DOWN A SOUL TRAIN DANCE LINE TO SOME LATE ERA NEW JACK SWING BULLSHIT. THANK YOU VOLITION FOR BRINGING MY STUPIDEST FUCKING FANTASIES TO LIFE. AND ALSO FOR THAT AWESOME RIFF ON METAL GEAR

2. GRAND THEFT AUTO V

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT TORTURE SEQUENCE HOLY SHIT TOTAL FUCKING PIPE WRENCH OWNAGE FUCK YEAH LEVEL OF THE YEAR AND I BET THOSE CANDYASSES OVER AT KOTAKU CURLED UP LIKE FUCKING PILLBUGS OVER THAT SHIT. IF THIS IS A JUST WORLD TREVOR PHILLIPS WILL BECOME A VIDEOGAME ICON ON PAR WITH MARIO AND MASTER CHIEF AND THAT OSTRICH FROM JOUST

1. ASSASSINS CREED IV BLACK FLAG

AVAST YE MOTHERFUCKERS SET SAIL ON THE SEAS OF OWNAGE WITH CAPTAIN JAX TELLER AND SET A COURSE FOR TERROR AND MURDER AS YOU ROB AND PILLAGE AND GUTSTAB ANY SCURVY ASSHOLE THAT TRIES TO STOP YOU. GODDAMN DID THIS ONE CATCH ME BY SURPRISE BECAUSE WHEN IT SENDS YOU TO HAVANA EARLY ON AND IT UNFOLDS EXACTLY AND I MEAN EXACTLY LIKE THE NINE THOUSAND OTHER ASSASSINS CREED GAMES I WAS KINDA LIKE FUCK THIS. BUT WHEN YOU GET THAT SHIP THIS GAME BUSTS WIDE OPEN INTO THE FINEST OPEN WORLD SHIT IVE PLAYED IN A LONG LONG WHILE AND I AINT EVEN HALF BULLSHITTING: ALL KINDS OF AWESOME EXPLORATION AND SIDE MISSIONS AND A VERITABLE FUCKING SHITLOAD OF COLLECTIBLES SOME OF WHICH ARENT EVEN COMPLETELY WORTHLESS PLUS NONSTOP UPGRADES AND TERRITORY TO TAKE OVER AND TROPICAL STORMS TO FUCK YOU UP AND PIRATE SONGS TO SING AND GREAT BIG NIGH FUCKING INVINCIBLE WARSHIPS THATLL CHASE YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE OCEAN LIKE MASTER AND MOTHERFUCKING COMMANDER. HELL YOU CAN SLAUGHTER WHALES ALL DAY LONG IF THATS YOUR DEAL. I KNOW ITS MINE

THEY DONT DISAPPOINT IN THE PROTAGONIST DEPARTMENT THIS TIME AROUND EITHER: SOME SMUG GREEDY FECKLESS FUCKING STONE COLD LIMEY PRICK WHO DECIDES HES GONNA BAIL ON HIS PILL OF A WIFE AND GO START SOME SHIT OVER IN BANANALAND. AND THATS IT. THATS THE WHOLE SETUP. HES NOT OUT FOR REVENGE AND HES NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT THIS CONVOLUTEDASS TEMPLAR ASSASSIN BEEF. ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS GET PAID AND MOTHERFUCK ANYBODY WHO GETS IN HIS WAY. CAPTAIN KENWAY: A HERO FOR ALL OF TIME. MATTER OF FACT ITS KINDA TOO BAD THIS HAD TO BE AN ASSASSINS CREED GAME BECAUSE ALL THAT PIRATE SHIT IS SO FUCKING GREAT. FUCK AM I DOING CLIMBING THESE RICKETYASS TOWERS AND SORTING OUT SOME HORSESHIT TEMPLAR INTRIGUE WHEN I COULD BE OUT CONDEMNING A DOZEN HARDWORKING FAMILY MEN TO A WATERY DEATH OVER 20 CASKS OF RUM. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I WAS HIJACKING SOME POOR BASTARDS SHIP AND A DUDE CAME AT ME WITH A SWORD AND I KICKED HIS FUCKING ASS OVERBOARD. THAT WAS WAY MORE SATISFYING THAN MY TEN THOUSANDTH WRIST BLADE ASSASSINATION

BUT FUCK IT I AINT ABOUT TO COMPLAIN. IT AINT EVERY DAY SOME CREAKYASS ANNUALIZED FRANCHISE MANAGES AN ENTRY THATS THIS DIFFERENT AND THIS FUCKING AWESOME. TAKE THE YEAR OFF ASSASSINS CREED. YOU EARNED IT

NO SERIOUSLY TAKE THE FUCKING YEAR OFF

263 Comments
Posted by Matoyak

@elpork said:

...I'm ether to old or new to GB, but please, who dis?

Twitter "Personality" that the GB crew find amusing.

(Personally, I don't see what they see in it, but eh whatever)

Posted by Klei

So, this is basically Jeff's real top 10?

Posted by Video_Game_King
Online
Posted by Y2Ken

Y'know what? This is a damn well thought-out and well-reasoned list. Good job, ZMF.

Posted by SovietofBears

HAIL TO THE KING, BABY

Edited by Draugen

I didn't get it last year, and I still don't get it.

Oh, well...

C'est la vie.

Edited by Turambar

Same reaction as his list from last year:

Decent list, but ugh.

Posted by Jacktrote

About Edward Kenway..

SOME SMUG GREEDY FECKLESS FUCKING STONE COLD LIMEY PRICK WHO DECIDES HES GONNA BAIL ON HIS PILL OF A WIFE AND GO START SOME SHIT OVER IN BANANALAND.

You have me in tears, good sir.

Edited by MildMolasses

Yet again, all is right with the world

Posted by zladko

GOOD LIST WOULD READ AGAIN

Posted by Johntdrake

YES. THIS. 1 MILLION TIMES.

Also I laughed out loud in the airport at "Captain Jax Teller". Nailed it. What a fucking genius.

Posted by Adrian79

i dont know who this guy is, but his summary of BF4 is spot-on. A month and a half since i bought it on X1 launchday and its still completely broken. EA or Dice whoever is responsible for this damn mess, fuck you.

Posted by Snail

For a while I wondered if this was coming this year. Silly me!

Posted by Chtasm

BEST LIST

Posted by Jeff

I... I want to go to Bananaland.

Staff Online
Posted by Colourful_Hippie

So he's alive

Posted by Jayzilla
Posted by Ben_H

As per usual, the list closest to my own.

Posted by Soapy86

TRULY A CHRISTMAS FUCKING MIRACLE

Posted by Hadoken101

YES. THIS. 1 MILLION TIMES.

Also I laughed out loud in the airport at "Captain Jax Teller". Nailed it. What a fucking genius.

I feel a lot better knowing that others see the resemblance too.

Posted by DowntownRiot

Glad to see I'm not the only one who thought AC4's Edward totally sounds like Jax Teller.

Posted by spookytapes

WE GET LISTS FROM GREAT GAME MAKERS, JOHN CARPENTER, A WWE SUPERSTAR AND NOW ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER. I LOVE THIS WEBSITE.

Posted by mrfluke

@jeff said:

I... I want to go to Bananaland.

some bro's from the meat dimension know a guy that can get you to Bananaland.

Edited by MonkeyKing1969

I like the idea of a another list of really interesting games for the year, I like the games and the choices. too. However, the style of presentation leaves me cold, this Zodiac persona is just some nonsense the industry doesn't need anymore - its chilling.

I'm glad the stupid bombastic 'man cave' shit is slowly being strangled out of the media side of this industry for one simple reason - there are still idiots in forum that still think knee jerk misogynistic & bombastic shit is real. Typing in yell-caps is funny for people who know it is a joke, except there are still idiots who think plowing over other people's ideas is how it is supposed to work. If this could be seen/understood to all as a joke it would be funny...but its not. People model this sort of behavior for real, and that's just make this a sick-sad joke. Sorry, this just leaves me unhappy.

Posted by Scotto

I'd say this list is closest to my own. I don't know why everyone was so inconsolably disappointed in Arkham Origins. It wasn't the evolution of the franchise we may have hoped for (but did you seriously expect it, when they gave the game to a new studio?), but it told my favourite story of the three games, and the combat was still fun. It was even kind of neat to visit locales from Arkham City, prior to them being all run down and "Arkham City-ified", though I would have preferred a new play area.

And as someone who actually gives a shit about comics, seeing lesser-known villains like Shiva was kind of awesome.

Posted by poprocksandsoda

So did ZMF get arrested? Why the Twitter silence for over a month?

Posted by bigJaffa

ALL CAPS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Posted by altairre

This guy knows what's up since he put Injustice on his list. Also Bananaland.

Edited by Bicycle_Repairman

My eyes are bleeding from reading this list. But 80% of that is because of the all caps. So i guess it could be worse. AC IV is really good....

Also.. anyone that has brave new world on his list deserves some respect.

Posted by jimmyfenix
Posted by Robopengy

Fresh out of the joint and spitting the realest shit you ever heard.

Posted by I_Stay_Puft

ZMF is living the 80's flick 48 hours.

Posted by Ghost_of_Perdition

KNEEL

Posted by Dezinus

List of the year all years.

Posted by PurplePartyRobot

GODDAMN THIS LIST MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING GREAT POINTS.

Posted by ThePickle

<3

Posted by csl316

This motherfucker...

Edited by Encephalon

That ACIV screed was one for the fucking ages. Bananaland!

Posted by Hailinel

I knew he'd be back. I'd hoped he wouldn't be, but I knew he'd be back.

Posted by ShaggE

And let the yearly debates (and by debates, I mean the same three posts: "I don't like ZMF and fuck you", "I love ZMF and fuck you", "Who is ZMF? Also, fuck you") about ZMF's legitimacy as a humorist begin!

Also, get your caps-lockin' ass back over to the AV Club! The redesign has left the place in ravages, and we need a snark transplant badly! We're hemorrhaging snark, man!

Posted by mbr2

Stop. Just stop.

Posted by Fattony12000

Posted by Demoskinos

So, I'm sick of this guy but in a weird way I'm glad they included him if for no other reason than Ryan got a kick out him and its sort of a weird nod to Ryan in a way to keep including him on the guest lists.

Posted by iAmJohn

LOOKS LIKE ALL YOU FUCKING WHINERS GET TO SUCK DOWN THE OWNAGE AGAIN.

HAIL TO THE KING, FUCKERS.

Posted by countrybogart

Lay off the CAPS bro

Posted by Hunter5024

Hehehe. I did not expect to see this.

Edited by GaspoweR

@matoyak: it was more with Ryan originally I believe that really liked ZMF's dumb antics.

YOOOO SAME EXACT THOUGHTS ON BF4! THAT SHITS SO FUCKING GREAT WHEN IT WORKS BUT IT SUCKS WHEN IT CRASHES FUCK, MAN.

Posted by DukesT3

yes.

Edited by KaneRobot

Imma bust this dude out of the joint and fuck you if you don't like seeing this list every year.

Posted by Oldirtybearon

This is the one guest list I've come to look forward to every year. ZMF always brings the funny.