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ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER'S TOP 10 GAMES OF 2012

ZMF PULLS NO PUNCHES AND NEVER TURNS OFF CAPSLOCK FOR HIS TOP 10 GAMES OF 2012.

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DRINKS KESSLER AND IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANT BOMB COMMUNITY FOR NINE HUNDRED COUNTS OF AGGRAVATED OWNAGE. HE LEAVES BITCHES MEWLING IN HIS WAKE AND IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT SHIT THEN CHECK THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW

ZODIAC IS A FORMER RESIDENT OF DETROIT BUT THESE DAYS HE ROLLS DOLO FROM CITY TO CITY LIKE A FUCKING DERELICT IN HIS LINCOLN. SO WHEN YOU SEE THAT BLACK BATTLESHIP ROAMING THE STREETS WITH AXEL F BLASTING OUT THE FUCKING WINDOWS YOULL KNOW THAT THE ZODIAC HAS COME TO YOUR TOWN. KNEEL

IN THE MEANTIME PAY HOMAGE AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF

10. MIDWAY ARCADE ORIGINS

THIS COMPILATION IS NINETY-FIVE PERCENT BULLSHIT AND IT ACTS LIKE THE HD VERSIONS THAT WERE ON XBOX LIVE LIKE SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO NEVER EXISTED BUT IT FEATURES THE GAME OF KINGS JOUST AND IT IS NOW THE ONLY WAY TO ACQUIRE THAT ALLTIME CLASSIC ON XBOX 360. CAN YOU DROP THY OSTRICHS BALLS IN THY OPPONENTS FACE BEFORE HE DOES THE SAME TO THEE? NOPE. YOU PROBABLY CANT

9. SLEEPING DOGS

TAKE GRAND THEFT AUTO ADD SOME AWESOME CHINESE DUDES AND REPLACE THE WACK GUNPLAY WITH TOTAL FUCKING HAND-TO-HAND BRUTALITY AND OWNAGE AND YOU GOT SLEEPING DOGS. I MEAN YEAH IT AINT REVOLUTIONARY OR ANYTHING BUT ITS STILL A BLAST AND I CAN NOT STRESS IT ENOUGH: IT IS IMMENSELY SATISFYING TO BEAT THE HOLY GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IN THIS GAME. ITS LIKE BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM IF BATMAN BEAT FUCKERS TO DEATH WITH WHATEVERS HANDY LIKE HE SHOULD. ATTENTION VOLITION: STEAL THIS SHIT

8. DEFCON: EVERYBODY DIES

YEAH THIS GAME CAME OUT IN 2006 SO ITS KINDA FUCKED UP IM LISTING IT AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES OF 2012 BUT THERES A COUPLE OF POINTS TO CONSIDER HERE: NUMBER ONE I DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND NUMBER TWO IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED IT ITS NEW TO YOU MOTHERFUCKER. BESIDES GIANT BOMB WAS STILL SWIMMING AROUND IN JEFF GERSTMANNS BALLSACK WHEN DEFCON CAME OUT SO IT AINT LIKE I COULDVE NAMED IT BACK THEN EVEN IF I HAD PLAYED IT. POINT IS THIS GAME IS SHEER FUCKING APOCALYPTIC OWNAGE NOT TO MENTION A MASTERPIECE IN MOOD AND HORROR AND WORLDWIDE DESTRUCTION AND IT CAN BE HAD FOR A PITTANCE IN 2012. AND THAT SHITS BETTER THAN NEW. SO FOR ANYBODY LIKE ME WHO FOUND THE COLD WAR TO BE A HUGETIME DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A LOT OF BUILDUP AND NO PAYOFF THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SEE THE NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON WE WERE PROMISED INSTEAD OF A LOT OF ANTICLIMACTIC PERESTROIKA HORSESHIT

7. THE WITCHER 2: ASSASSINS OF KINGS

WELL GODDAMN THIS SHIT WOULD BE BEST IN SHOW AT THE FLAGRANT BUSH AWARDS BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO FINISHING IT SO ITS ONLY NUMBER SEVEN HERE. BUT MAN I GOTTA SAY WHEN THIS GAME CAME OUT FLASHING MORE BEAVER THAN A 1982 HUSTLER I FIGURED THOSE FUCKING MUMMIES AT THE NEWS NETWORKS WOULD BE FANNING THEMSELVES FOR WEEKS AND WHIPPING ALL THE OLD FUCKS UP INTO A FUCKING RAGE. BUT NOBODY REALLY CARED AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF DAMN BETWEEN THAT AND THE SUPREME COURT RULING AGAINST ASSHOLE IN ASSHOLE V. ENTERTAINMENT MERCHANTS ASSOCIATION MAYBE WEVE FINALLY TURNED A FUCKING CORNER AS A CULTURE HERE. THEN SOME MODCUT DIPSHIT SHOT UP A GRADE SCHOOL AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW CNN IS REPORTING THAT STARCRAFT TOLD HIM TO DO IT AND CONGRESSBITCHES ARE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAME HEARINGS AGAIN. ONE STEP FORWARD TWO STEPS THE FUCK BACK

6. HITMAN: ABSOLUTION

IM SURE THE HITMAN STORYLINE IS FASCINATING AND ALL BUT ILL BE HONEST WITH YOU NO MATTER HOW FAR I GET INTO THE GAME I KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT SECOND LEVEL WHERE OUR MAN 47 WHACKS SOME JUMPED UP PUNK WHO CALLS HIMSELF THE KING OF CHINATOWN DESPITE THE FACT THAT HES JUST A LOWRENT MOTHERFUCKER IN A NINETY DOLLAR SUIT WHO DOESNT EVEN FIGURE INTO THE PLOT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS AT MY HANDS: IVE SHOT HIM IVE BLOWN HIM UP IVE POISONED HIM IVE DUMPED HIS STUPID ASS DOWN A MANHOLE IVE CRUSHED HIM WITH SOME LIKE PALLETS OR SOME FUCKING SHIT HELL I EVEN BLUDGEONED HIM TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING BOTTLE IN FRONT OF AN ARMY OF COPS LIKE DO SOMETHING. BUT MY PERSONAL FAVORITE WAS FOLLOWING HIM INTO AN ALLEY AND FILLETING HIS FUCKING ASS WITH A SUSHI KNIFE BEFORE TOSSING HIM IN A FUCKING DUMPSTER AND SAUNTERING AWAY LIKE I JUST WON SIX BUCKS AT KENO. AND I DID IT ALL DRESSED LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE

5. FAR CRY 3

I FUCKED UP A SHARK

4. DISHONORED

AS ANY DUMBASS CAN PLAINLY SEE I FIND THAT GAMES WHERE YOU STALK MOTHERFUCKERS AND MURDER THEM ALL UNAWARES ARE ALWAYS ACES. THIS ONES NO EXCEPTION BUT THERES EVEN MORE SHIT TO RECOMMEND IT INCLUDING AN AWESOME MAGIC SYSTEM AND A FRESH SETTING AND HITGIRL AND CERSEI LANNISTER. AND THAT MASK FUCKING OWNS. BUT WHILE THERES A LOT OF WAYS TO APPROACH THIS GAME AND THE DESIGNERS TRIED TO INCORPORATE A COST TO OWNAGE LETS FACE FUCKING THE FACTS HERE THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO PLAY: HIGH CHAOS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. I FIGURE FUCK IT THEY STARTED IT

3. XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

THIS IS BASICALLY LIEUTENANT GORMAN THE VIDEOGAME BECAUSE IT WILL LEAVE YOU SHIVERING LIKE A SHELLSHOCKED BITCH WATCHING HALF YOUR FUCKING SQUAD DIE MISERABLE FUCKED UP DEATHS BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT PLANNING SHIT. I NEVER WOULDVE GUESSED THAT TURNBASED GAMEPLAY COULD BE SO INTENSE BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT: IRONMAN MODE IS NO FUCKING JOKE. FOR REAL YOU GOTTA HAVE BALLS LIKE BILLY SQUIER TO PLAY THAT SHIT FOR ANY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. BUT NO MATTER HOW YOU PLAY MAKE SURE YOU NAME YOUR SOLDIERS BEFORE MARCHING THEM INTO BULLSHIT ALIEN HELL. LET THEM GET THEIR COCKS KNOCKED IN THE DIRT WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY

2. THE WALKING DEAD

EVERYBODYS ALREADY TORQUING THE SNORKEL OVER THIS ONE SO ILL KEEP IT SHORT: TEAM KENNY. CHARACTER OF THE FUCKING YEAR

1. BORDERLANDS 2

GAME OF THE FUCKING YEAR WITHOUT QUESTION. NONSTOP ENTERTAINMENT AND OWNAGE BY THE POUND WITH HUGELY MEMORABLE CHARACTERS BRINGING LAUGHS TO SPARE. I MEAN HOLY SHIT IMAGINE THAT: A VIDEOGAME THATS FUNNIER THAN YOUR AVERAGE FUCKING SALLY FORTH STRIP. AND THATS JUST ICING ON THE CAKE BECAUSE THIS IS A TOTAL FUCKING MASTERPIECE IN ALMOST EVERY REGARD. MORE THAN THAT CHECK OUT CLASS ACT GEARBOX SUPPORTING THIS SHIT WITH THE KILLER DLC AND THE REGULAR FREE BONUS ITEMS AND EVEN THROWING IN A MOVING TRIBUTE TO A FAN. THAT MY MOTHERFUCKERS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMERS. BUT ALL THAT RESPECTABLE SHIT ASIDE THE RAW FUCKING FUN FACTOR ON THIS THING IS THROUGH THE ROOF. HELL THERES AN ENTIRE QUEST DEVOTED SOME FUCKING IMBECILE ASKING YOU TO SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE. I WAS LIKE HEY HAVE IT YOUR WAY MOTHERFUCKER. AND THE MULTIPLAYER HERE IS THE BEST COOP YOURE GONNA FIND. FOUR PLAYERS AGAINST THE BNK3R ON WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD IS PRACTICALLY A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. I SAY WITH EVERY FUCKING CONFIDENCE THAT ONLY BEATOFFS DONT LIKE THIS GAME. AND WHILE IM ANOINTING THIS SHIT IT ID LIKE TO MAKE SPECIAL NOTE TO TINY TINA: AWESOME CHARACTER BENT ON TORTURE AND REVENGE AND BLOWING FUCKERS UP BUT THE REAL STORY THERE IS ASHLY BURCH WHO DOES HER VOICE. YEAH I MEAN THAT CHICA MIGHT BE OLD NEWS TO ALL YOU GAMERCHICK FETISH HAVING CHIPHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS GUNZERKING INTO A KLEENEX EVERY TIME SOME Z-LIST SNIZZ PRETENDS TO LIKE VIDEOGAMES BUT I DONT FOLLOW INTERNET BULLSHIT SO SHE WAS A FUCKING REVELATION OVER HERE. FUCK YOUTUBE PUT THAT LITTLE HOTNESS ON REAL TELEVISION. OR MY LAP

DISHONORABLE MENTION: MASS EFFECT 3

THIS GAME SHOULDVE BEEN HOT SHIT IN A GOLDEN BOWL BUT THEY FUCKED IT ALL UP. SO I SAY FUCK IT. FUCK ITS BULLSHIT NICKELANDDIMEASS TEXT ONLY FETCHQUESTS AND FUCK IT FOR COCKTEASING US WITH AN ELCOR WORLD MISSION. FUCK THAT PHONYASS MEANINGLESS FUCKING WAR ASSET MECHANIC AND FUCK THE DLC THAT I HAVENT SPENT A FUCKING DIME ON LET ALONE A MINUTE OF THIS AWESOME LIFE. MOTHERFUCK THE MONEYGRUBBING FUCKING MULTIPLAYER AND FUCK THE WAY YOU CANT HOLSTER YOUR FUCKING GUN AND REALLY FUCK THAT WACK FUCKING TACKED ON RIPOFF AT FREE BULLSHITASS FOUR SCENE TWO FUCKING GIGABYTE ENDING THAT THEY RELEASED THREE MONTHS AFTER I STOPPED GIVING A FUCKING SHIT. FUCK MASS EFFECT 3 FOR FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ELEVENTH HOUR. HELL FUCK MASS EFFECT 4 WHATEVER THE FUCK THATS GONNA BE. AND FUCK THOSE STROKERS CALLING THEMSELVES BIOWARE THESE DAYS. THEY TOOK A MEGAFRANCHISE IN ITS PRIME AND THEY PUT A BULLET IN ITS TEMPLE. UNFUCKINGPRECEDENTED. FUCK IT AND FUCK THEM. THEY BROKE MY FUCKING HEART

563 Comments
Posted by Keavy_Rain

ONLY TOP TEN THAT MATTERS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

ALSO, MAD RESPECT TO ZMF FOR NOT TAKING BIOWARE'S SHIT WITH MASSIVE FAIL 3

Posted by MrCaptain

HUE HUE REALL FUNNY DAWG YOU PWN.

Why is this crap oon the frontpage? haha

Posted by stryker1121

I've seen this guy's shtick on AV Club forums and didn't know he had a wider reach. From what I'm reading here ZMF is best in small doses.

Posted by Grasu

I remember Jeff saying in a GOTY podcast a day before this that he doesn't want swear words in featured sectiones.

Posted by Enigma_2099

Take a swig for every swear word needlessly used in the article. Down two if it's "fuck..."

Use a non alcoholic beverage. Your liver will thank you.

Posted by stewmull

Well done GB crew, it is your site after all. Really funny read, it's obvious how SERIOUS you guys are which is why I keep coming back

Posted by LikeaSsur

@clstirens said:

Not so sure it's that. However, too many people in these comments are being cynical shit-heads about this.

Video Games, people. Have some fun.

I would if this was a fun article to read, but...it just wasn't. Maybe the "type in all caps and swear every few words while making absurd statements" just isn't my sense of humor, or maybe it is and Zodiac just over saturates people with it.

Posted by Kete

ugh

Posted by StefanTheMongol

I think this guy is a relative to Ryan in some fashion. I follow him on Twitter. He loves Slurssssday!

Posted by Feikken

Zodiac has spoken

Posted by dvorak

@InternetDetective said:

I guess if i say none of that was funny or interesting in any way I get hollerd at and told that I am just being petty and butt-hurt? (not sure why I would be butt hurt but okay)

I actually have a lot of friends in the comedy writing game, some quite successful. I decided to send this article to one of them to get his professional un-butthurt opinion. He is head writer at a very popular, very funny show on Comedy Central and this is what he had to say:

"I don't see an attempt at humor here. Those all seem to be actual games in his list. The tone seems to be aggressive (hence the caps) but other than that I would say that if this list had been presented as comedic it was misinterpreted by the publisher. The author neither included any jokes nor implied them."

So there you have it. This list wasn't funny because it was never supposed to be funny. These are the sincere opinions of a man who doesn't about the caps-lock key.

I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS WHO WRITE COMEDY THEREFORE I HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR OR HAVE AN IMPORTANT OPINION.

Posted by BlindRapture

Real Talk. I deem this Top 10, NOT OPTIONAL.

Posted by BisonHero

@Animasta said:

@Hailinel: again, why do you care? I thought E was annoying on that podcast he was on, but instead of going in there and complaining about it I just skipped it.

I can confirm that E was annoying as fuck on that podcast. What a corporate shill. Wouldn't even acknowledge that any part of Xbox Live's policies has room for improvement, and every time his defense was "Changing that would be a lot of work for me and my team, and most game creators aren't creative enough to brush up against the policy limitations you have issues with". OH YEAH WHAT A FUCKING TOPNOTCH DEFENSE THAT IS.