IT'S BEEN A BUSY YEAR FOR OL ZODIAC. NEW HOUSE NEW JOB MARRIAGE KIDS... ZODIAC DIDN'T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. NO WHAT ZODIAC DID THIS YEAR WAS DRINK. A LOT. HE ATE A LOT OF CRAZY BREAD. HE WATCHED BUZZARD 98 TIMES. HE RESOLVED TO ALIENATE HIMSELF FROM HUMANITY ENTIRELY (EXCLUDING VARIOUS FOOD DELIVERY EMPLOYEES AND DOCUMENT COURIERS) AND HAS BEEN LARGELY SUCCESSFUL WITH IT. HE GOT ON MEDS AFTER A VIOLENT INCIDENT HIS COUNSEL HAS ADVISED HIM NOT TO DISCUSS. HE GOT OFF MEDS AFTER A VIOLENT INCIDENT HIS COUNSEL HAS ADVISED HIM NOT TO DISCUSS. AND HE WENT TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. BY HIMSELF.
ZODIAC DRINKS KESSLER AND LIVES AT THE MOTEL 6. WATCH HIS INEXORABLE DECLINE AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF. OR DON'T. FUCK IT. WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE.
10. Party Hard
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE: THERE YOU ARE TRYING TO SLEEP OFF A SOLITUDINOUS BENDER BUT THE PARTYING ASSHOLES NEXT DOOR JUST WONT KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. AND GENERALLY YOUR OPTIONS ARE TO EITHER CALL THE COPS LIKE A NARC OR FACE BATTERY CHARGES. BUT PARTY HARD PROPOSES AN ALTERNATIVE: SNEAK INTO THE PARTY AND STAB THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYBODY PRESENT. AND I MEAN EVERYBODY. EVERY SWINGING DICK IN THE PLACE. STAB THEM ALL. OR POISON THEM. OR RUN THEM THE FUCK OVER WITH A CAR. PARTY HARD DOESN'T CARE HOW YOU GET IT DONE. JUST GET IT DONE. FUCK THEM AND THEIR GOOD TIME. OPEN YOUR MIND TO THE POSSIBILITIES.
9. Zoo Tycoon: Ultimate Animal Collection
HEY. I LIKE THE ANIMALS. I DON'T OWE YOU A FUCKING EXPLANATION.
8. Injustice 2
ALL THE ALLEGED FUN OF LOOTBOXES WITHOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF PAYING CASH FOR THEM. I GUESS THAT QUALIFIES AS PROGRESS IN 2017. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS IS: CAN I BOREDLY BACKHAND MOTHERFUCKERS AS DARKSEID? FUCK YES I CAN.
7. Gwent: The Witcher Card Game
NEXT LEVEL WITCHER DORK OVER HERE SPENT EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS ON VIRTUAL GWENT CARDS THIS YEAR AND STILL MANAGES TO GET OWNED BY THAT BULLSHITTINGASS WEREWOLF FROM SKELLIGE EVERY TIME OUT. SKELLIGE? FUCK SKELLIGE. DON'T YOU HIT THAT TAUNT BUTTON ON ME MOTHERFUCKER. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.
6. Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus
OBVIOUSLY WOLFENSTEIN IS ULTRAVIOLENT INSANE INTENSE CARNAGE AND OWNAGE EVERY TIME. TOTAL FUCKING HATCHET OWNAGE, TOTAL FUCKING DUAL-WIELDING OWNAGE, TOTAL FUCKING NAZI-MELTING LASER OWNAGE. WE KNOW THE DRILL. BUT THERE'S ALWAYS SOME GRAND GUIGNOL SHIT IN THESE GAMES THAT MAKES EVEN JADED OL' ZODIAC BEAM WITH CHILDLIKE WONDER. FOR INSTANCE THE GAME KICKS OFF WITH A NICE OLD LADY GETTING DECAPITATED WITH A FUCKING FIREAXE AND THEN HER EXECUTIONER STARTS STICKING HER SEVERED HEAD IN YOUR FACE AND MAKING KISSY FACES WITH IT BEFORE A GIANT NAZI ROBOT CRUSHES THE HEAD INTO PIZZA WITH HIS GIANT METAL FOOT. I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING THIS IN SHEER FUCKING AWE THINKING HOLY GOD I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE SO GOOD BUT THE GHASTLY OWNAGE ONLY GETS MORE AWESOME FROM THERE.
THE ONLY REASON I DON'T RATE THE GAME HIGHER IS BECAUSE OF HOW QUICK YOU DIE. I'M THINKING I CAN SLIDE AROUND PELL-MELL AND RIP FUCKERS APART WITH DUAL MACHINE GUNS AND MELEE ATTACKS AND BRING THE OWNAGE TO THEIR FUCKING FACES--SAME AS THE EXALTED DOOM 2016--BUT THE NAZI ASSHOLES CAN GUN YOU DOWN IN A HEARTBEAT SO YOU'RE KINDA FORCED TO STEALTH THEM. AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANNA DO THAT?
5. Mount & Blade: Warband
THIS IS SOME OLDASS RPG THAT ARRIVED ON XBOX LAST YEAR. IT COST ME $2.50 AND WHEN I FIRED IT UP I WONDERED WHERE THE FUCK ALL THAT MONEY WENT BECAUSE THIS GAME LOOKS LIKE DOG'S ASS. DOG'S. ASS. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. THERE'S A SCHOOL OF THOUGHT THAT SAYS GRAPHICS DON'T MATTER. THAT SCHOOL OF THOUGHT IS FOR DUMBASSES BECAUSE THE GRAPHICS HERE ARE JUNK IN THE BALLS SENSE OF THE WORD, AND IT'S A TRAVESTY THAT NO ENTERPRISING ASSHOLES STEPPED UP TO ADDRESS THAT UNFORTUNATE FACT BEFORE THE DAMNED THING GOT PORTED. THERE AIN'T ANYTHING COOL ABOUT PLAYING A GAME IN 2017 WITH CHARACTERS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY GOT BEAMED IN FROM HALF-LIFE. IT JUST DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
I'M GLAD I STUCK IT OUT THOUGH BECAUSE WHEN MY ACHING EYES GOT USED TO THE PRE-9/11 GRAPHICS I REALIZED THAT THIS WASN'T AN OPEN WORLD RPG SO MUCH AS A GAME ABOUT ASSEMBLING A LOW-RENT POSSE OF HOODS AND CUTTHROATS AND TERRORIZING A PHONY MEDIEVAL LANDSCAPE LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING MOUNTAIN THAT RIDES. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT APPEALS TO ME. STEAL CATTLE. DEMAND TRIBUTE. SLAUGHTER FARMERS. SLAUGHTER FARMERS WIVES. BUTCHER GARRISONS. BURN THE DAMNED VILLAGE DOWN. ARE YOU AT PEACE? START A WAR. ARE YOU AT WAR? START ANOTHER FUCKING WAR. SEE A CASTLE YOU WANT? MURDER EVERYONE INSIDE AND TAKE IT. SEE AN ARMY YOU OUTNUMBER 5 TO 1? FUCK EM ALL. TAKE PRISONERS AND SELL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS INTO SLAVERY. THE WHOLE GAME IS ABOUT TRAVELING THE COUNTRYSIDE AND MAKING A HOMICIDAL NUISANCE OF YOURSELF AND THAT FRIENDS IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I ASK FOR OUT OF VIDEO GAMES. WELL THAT AND SOME GRAPHICS THAT DON'T MAKE ME WANNA CARVE MY FUCKING EYES OUT OF MY SKULL. I MEAN COME THE FUCK ON.
4. PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds
THE STORY OF THE YEAR. THE HOT SHIT INDIE BY SOME ASSHOLE DESIGNER WHO PISSES EVERYBODY OFF BUT HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE HE COULD BUY AND SELL YOUR PAYCHECK-TO-PAYCHECK ASS SIX TIMES OVER WITH THE CHANGE IN HIS CUPHOLDER. THIS IS THE MOST ADRENALINE-PUMPING UGLY FUCKING JANKFEST YOU'RE LIKELY TO PLAY ALL YEAR. POP-IN? GOT IT. MUDDY TEXTURES? OH FUCK YEAH. OPTIMIZATION? WHO THE FUCK NEEDS IT. BECAUSE WITH A CONCEPT THIS GOOD IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR GAME MAKES STATE OF DECAY LOOK AS SLICK AND POLISHED AS GTA V, AND HAS A CONTROL SCHEME THAT LEAVES YOUR AVERAGE NUCLEAR FUCKING SUBMARINE LOOKING USER-FRIENDLY BY COMPARISON.
BUT STILL, I GOTTA MARVEL AT THE FACT THAT PUBG IS THE BIG TRAILBLAZER OF 2017, BECAUSE IT AIN'T LIKE BATTLE ROYALE IS THIS WILD NEW IDEA. SHIT, I REMEMBER BACK WHEN THE FLAMING LIPS USED TO PROJECT THE MOVIE AT THEIR WEAKASS CONCERTS LIKE THEY WERE TOUGH AND SCARY. DO YOU REALIZE? THAT YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLES? AND HUNGER GAMES TOTALLY RIPPED IT OFF LIKE FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. REMEMBER HUNGER GAMES? FUCKING STUPID AND WACK. WHAT WAS THAT GOOF'S NAME? PITA? PITA. WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. POINT IS I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SOME MAJOR STUDIO DIDN'T DO A TRIPLE-A TAKE ON THIS IDEA BACK DURING THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION, BUT FUCK IT. IT'S HERE NOW.
AND SPEAKING OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION, PUBG ACTUALLY KINDA REMINDS ME OF SOCOM FROM BACK IN THE DAY, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO BEING A CHICKENSHIT THIRD-PERSON COMPETITIVE SHOOTER WHERE YOU CAN SEE AROUND CORNERS, THIS IS A GAME WHERE WHEN YOU DIE, YOU'RE DEAD FUCK YOU AND THANKS FOR PLAYING. NOW THAT'S AN IDEA I CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT. AND HAVE I EVER BEEN THE LAST MAN STANDING? FUCK NO. I DIE DUMB EVERY TIME OUT. NUMBER FUCKING 58 FRIED BY THE WALLS CLOSING IN, OR CAPPED IN SOME PHONEBOOTH SHOOTOUT I SHOULD'VE WON, OR SNIPED OUT BY SOME LIFER. BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD ANYHOW.
3. Assassin's Creed Origins
UBISOFT TOOK THEIR TIME AND DID IT RIGHT WITH THIS ONE. SURE IT'S STILL ASSASSIN'S CREED, SO YOU GET MORE EXACTING HISTORICAL BACKDROPS, MORE DESPICABLE HISTORICAL ASSHOLES TO MURDER, AND MORE CARTS OF HAY, BUT WHAT THEY DID HERE WAS REVAMP THE COMBAT INTO A SYSTEM THATS SO SOLID AND MEATY IT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE YOU'RE FUCKING PEOPLE UP FOR REAL. NOW I LIKE GUTTING FUCKERS WITH A HIDDEN BLADE LIKE DR. CHRISTIAN SZELL AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT COMPARED TO THE ANCIENT IMPLEMENTS OF OWNAGE ON OFFER HERE I DIDN'T REALLY WANNA GO BACK. WHETHER RUNNING PEOPLE THROUGH WITH SPEARS, OR CRUSHING THEIR SKULLS WITH BIGASS SCEPTERS, OR OPENING THROATS WITH A FUCKING GLADIATOR SWORD, THE MURDER AND VIOLENCE HERE SUPREMELY SATISFY. AND THAT'S EVEN BEFORE YOU START SICCING MOTHERFUCKING LIONS ON THEIR ASSES.
2. Battlefield 1: They Shall Not Pass
A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPLAINED ABOUT BATTLEFIELD 1 LAST YEAR. “NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.” ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERYBODY WAS AN EXPERT. ALL OF A SUDDEN xXHARRYBALSAGNA420Xx WAS KEN FUCKING BURNS, PISSING AND MOANING THAT THE FRENCH WEREN'T REPRESENTED AT ALL (WHICH WAS TRUE AND ALSO FUCKING HILARIOUS) AND BITCHING THAT THE GAME DOESN'T DEPICT TRUE TRENCH WARFARE. AND IT COULD WELL BE THAT THEY HAD A POINT. WELL, THIS EXPANSION SOUGHT TO REMEDY THAT. FUCKING FRENCHIES AHOY. PLUS SINCE IT'S WWI, DICE CAN PLAY UP THAT HEROIC “THEY SHALL NOT PASS” SHIT INSTEAD OF POINTING OUT THE FACT THAT THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT JUST WOUND UP COLLABORATING WITH NAZI GERMANY ANYWAY. SO EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT FRENCH HEROISM, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING REAL. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FRONTLINES MODE INTRODUCED IN THIS EXPANSION. BECAUSE THAT'S AS CLOSE TO THE SPIRIT OF TRENCH WARFARE AS YOU'RE LIKE TO GET IN A MODERN VIDEO GAME: GRINDING IT OUT IN SHELLSHOCKED MISERY. BATTLES THAT GO ON FOR FUCKING EVER. DYING BY THE SCORES AND HAVING ZERO PROGRESS TO SHOW FOR IT. GETTING GASSED TO DEATH. BEING BEATEN SENSELESS BY A FUCKING CLUB. TANGLING YOURSELF UP IN BARBED WIRE LIKE THAT DUMBASS HORSE IN WAR HORSE. THE MODE IS A MOTHERFUCKING MEATGRINDER OF HELL AND TORMENT WITH MATCHES THAT CARRIED ON FOR HOURS AND WENT ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE (BEFORE DICE INSTITUTED SOME CHICKENSHIT 40 MINUTE TIME LIMIT), AND THAT'S WHAT WWI WAS ALL ABOUT. THAT AND SHITTING YOURSELF TO DEATH IN PROLONGED AGONY, BUT MAYBE DICE IS SAVING THAT FEATURE FOR THE APOCALYPSE EXPANSION.
1. Butcher
BUTCHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FUCK YEAH TOTAL FUCKING APOCALYPTIC OWNAGE. IT IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: THE RUTHLESS EXTERMINATION OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING HUMAN RACE. IT'S LIKE THE TERMINATOR BUT THE GOOD GUYS FINALLY GET TO WIN. IT'S LIKE HARDWARE IF IT DIDN'T TAKE PLACE ENTIRELY IN A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT. IT'S LIKE MY ID MADE FLESH. IT IS BUTCHER. LIVE THE FANTASY.
HONESTLY THIS GAME SHOULD BE THE BIGGEST THING GOING, AND I DON'T MEAN LIKE TOPS ON THE SALES CHART, I MEAN THIS GAME SHOULD BE A CULTURAL MOTHERFUCKING PHENOMENON ON A PAR WITH MINECRAFT OR MARIO OR CRANK. I WANT T-SHIRTS, I WANT MERCHANDISE, I WANT MOVIE ADAPTATIONS, PODCASTS, A NETFLIX SERIES, FUCKING FAST FOOD TIE-INS, MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVORS, MUSIC FROM AND INSPIRED BY BUTCHER, ACTION FIGURES, CHILDREN'S BOOKS, I WANT DICKHEAD FANS WITH BAD BUTCHER TATTOOS, I WANT ASSHOLES DOING WACK BUTCHER COSPLAY, I WANT SHITBAG YOUTUBERS BITCHING THAT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE THE NUANCES OF BUTCHER, I WANT IT ALL. I WANT SEQUELS WHERE YOU FIND EVEN MORE HUMANS TO PAINT THE FUCKING WALLS WITH. I WANT SHITTY BUTCHER KNOCKOFFS COMING DOWN LIKE RAIN. I WANT THIS MOTHERFUCKER GRIMACING AT ME FROM BILLBOARDS ALL ACROSS THIS MISERABLE GODDAMN CITY. EVERYTHING. ALL OF IT. I WANT IT.
BUTCHER SHOULD BE HARRY POTTER. BUTCHER SHOULD BE FUCKING STAR WARS. SO I'LL SAY IT HERE LOUD AND PROUD FOR THE WORLD TO SEE: I BELIEVE IN BUTCHER. I BELIEVE BUTCHER CAN BE THE CULTURAL FORCE THAT THIS WRETCHED FUCKING WORLD NEEDS TO FINALLY PUT ITSELF OUT OF ITS FUCKING MISERY FOR GOOD. IN FACT, I'M GONNA GET THE BALL ROLLING ON THIS BRIGHT FUTURE MYSELF BY GRANTING BUTCHER THE GAME OF THE YEAR HONORS IT SO RICHLY DESERVES. SO THERE YOU GO CRUNCHING KOALAS: GET CRACKING ON THAT BUTCHER GAME OF THE YEAR EDITION. NOW. NOW GODDAMNIT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. IT'S THE START OF THE NEW WAY. BECAUSE IT IS OWNAGE. IT IS BUTCHER. FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE HUMAN RACE. THERE IS ONLY BUTCHER.
BUTCHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS
Star Wars: Battlefront II: HAHAHAHAHA MAN IT WAS FUN WATCHING THIS SAD SAGA UNFOLD. NOTHING LIKE FUCKING THE DOG ON THE WORLD'S MOST BELOVED PROPERTY. AND IT'S ALWAYS A RIOT WHEN STONE STUPID GREED WINS OUT OVER BASIC COMMON FUCKING SENSE. GREAT WORK EA. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR NEXT TRICK.
Mass Effect: Andromeda: WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER. THE SUPERMAN IV OF VIDEO GAMES: A CHEAP SHODDY DISGRACE TO A BELOVED FRANCHISE THAT IS SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE THAN THE SHITTY INSTALLMENT THAT PRECEDED IT.
Super Mario Odyssey: STARRING CAPPY, THE HAT THAT ENSLAVES. WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HERE, NINTENDO? YOU GOTTA BE INTO HALLUCINOGENICS TO ENJOY THIS SHIT. THE FUCKING HAT HAS EYES, MAN. EYES!
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild: EVERYBODY TOLD ME HOW AWESOME THIS WAS SO I CHECKED IT OUT. FIRST THING I DO AFTER LEAVING THAT TOMB OR WHATEVER? I GRAB A BRANCH AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A LAND OCTOPUS. BUT BEFORE I COULD SEE THE JOB THROUGH THE BRANCH BROKE AND THIS FUCKING OCTOPUS CHASED ME ALL ACROSS HYRULE. WHAT THE FUCK? YOU'RE AN OCTOPUS. WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE WATER, MOTHERFUCKER. I GAVE UP AFTER THAT BULLSHIT. I DON'T PLAY GAMES TO BE HUMILIATED LIKE THIS.