Asteroids Smashing Into Theaters

Posted by Ryan (1263 posts) -

Drama! Excitement!
Even though no one has really cracked the code yet on making a video-game movie adaptation that's, well, watchable, there are certain games that are either archetypal enough in setting or rely on the familiar kinds of dramatic beats that an adaptation makes a certain amount of sense. When you tell me that BioShock or Uncharted or Gears of War is being made into a movie, I say "OK, sure, I can see that." But when The Hollywood Reporter, uh, reported this morning that Universal had picked up the rights to produce a movie based on the classic vector-based arcade game Asteroids--following an apparently heated four-studio bidding war, no less--I have to wonder just what in the holy hot hell is going on in Hollywood.

There's no story, casting, or title news at the moment, though Asteroids is being produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose most recent work includes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, with Matthew Lopez, screenwriter on Bedtime Stories and Race to Witch Mountain, attached to write it. So, I guess expect a family-friendly PG adventure featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eye-gouging CG effects?

As THP itself points out, there's no real story or characters or anything to Asteroids, though that's not stopping the development of movies based on the board games Battleship and Candyland either. Unless the producers are pursuing some kind of self-reflexive Tron-style meta-reality, I'm not sure how you specifically evoke Asteroids in a movie. I mean, yeah, it'll probably take place in space, and there goddamn well better be some giant space rocks, but at that point you're just kind of just paying for the name, which feels pretty dated as the name of a video game, and outright absurd as a movie. I'd be surprised if they leave the title alone, and while I'd like them to embrace the goofiness with something like Asteroids! I fully expect them to go with something more like Asteroids: The Battle for Infinity.

On the off chance that a person of influence is reading this, here's the best scene in a movie to feature asteroids. Take note!
 
Staff
#1 Posted by Ryan (1263 posts) -

Drama! Excitement!
Even though no one has really cracked the code yet on making a video-game movie adaptation that's, well, watchable, there are certain games that are either archetypal enough in setting or rely on the familiar kinds of dramatic beats that an adaptation makes a certain amount of sense. When you tell me that BioShock or Uncharted or Gears of War is being made into a movie, I say "OK, sure, I can see that." But when The Hollywood Reporter, uh, reported this morning that Universal had picked up the rights to produce a movie based on the classic vector-based arcade game Asteroids--following an apparently heated four-studio bidding war, no less--I have to wonder just what in the holy hot hell is going on in Hollywood.

There's no story, casting, or title news at the moment, though Asteroids is being produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose most recent work includes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, with Matthew Lopez, screenwriter on Bedtime Stories and Race to Witch Mountain, attached to write it. So, I guess expect a family-friendly PG adventure featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eye-gouging CG effects?

As THP itself points out, there's no real story or characters or anything to Asteroids, though that's not stopping the development of movies based on the board games Battleship and Candyland either. Unless the producers are pursuing some kind of self-reflexive Tron-style meta-reality, I'm not sure how you specifically evoke Asteroids in a movie. I mean, yeah, it'll probably take place in space, and there goddamn well better be some giant space rocks, but at that point you're just kind of just paying for the name, which feels pretty dated as the name of a video game, and outright absurd as a movie. I'd be surprised if they leave the title alone, and while I'd like them to embrace the goofiness with something like Asteroids! I fully expect them to go with something more like Asteroids: The Battle for Infinity.

On the off chance that a person of influence is reading this, here's the best scene in a movie to feature asteroids. Take note!
 
Staff
#2 Posted by JJWeatherman (14485 posts) -

Awesome, more fuel for the non-stop TANG train!

#3 Posted by Crash_Happy (637 posts) -

This is aweful news.

#4 Posted by FrankCanada97 (4039 posts) -

What is the world coming to?

#5 Posted by Aaox (1656 posts) -
@FrankCanada97 said:
" What is the world coming to? "
Ryan's TANG Empire.
#6 Posted by Death_Burnout (3768 posts) -

Bugs! Buuuugs!

You see a bug hole...Nuke it!

#7 Posted by BrowncoatGrimm (89 posts) -

Isn't the best use of asteroids in a film Star Wars:The Empire Strikes Back?

#8 Posted by TerraDelu (497 posts) -

My dad is going to be so excited!!!!!!! ...oh. Also, this is dumb.

#9 Posted by TeufelHeunden (1 posts) -

Snakes on an Asteroid

#10 Posted by Weltal (2268 posts) -

**SPOILERS**
Early footage of the movie. Man, look at Kevin Costner go!


  

#11 Posted by Sarumarine (2059 posts) -

Man, everyone else has already said it . . . but it seems like grade A TANG fuel.

#12 Posted by ArbitraryWater (11019 posts) -

Please no.

#13 Posted by DukeTogo (1505 posts) -

Wasn't Armageddon the Asteroids movie?  Or a scene from numerous Star Wars movies?

#14 Posted by whatisdelicious (1055 posts) -

all this news story did was reignite my desire to watch starship troopers over and over.

#15 Edited by FlipperDesert (2069 posts) -

I'd much rather see a Pac-Man movie, where Pac-Man's a professional ghost hunter in a haunted maze and has an addiction to painkillers for his bad hip.

No, I do not know what the fruit is for.

#16 Posted by JJWeatherman (14485 posts) -
@TeufelHeunden said:
" Snakes on an Asteroid "
touché sir, and nice first post.   :P
#17 Posted by darkjester74 (1545 posts) -

Hollywood hasn't had a cognizant thought in decades.  Herein lies the proof.  Ugh...

#18 Posted by MordeaniisChaos (5730 posts) -

................

#19 Posted by Cerza (1653 posts) -

This is a joke right? It's a joke. It's gotta be a joke... a very unfunny joke... right???

#20 Posted by ZombiePie (5372 posts) -

Whatever happened to that Atari film about Nolan Bushnell staring Leonardo DiCaprio? That actually sounded like it could have been an interesting movie with an interesting hook.

This Asteroids movie on the other hand sounds like something a half developed monkey on day old crack would come up with.

Moderator
#21 Posted by Shadowself (32 posts) -

The only good bug is a dead bug!

#22 Posted by zityz (2360 posts) -

Asteroids? pppfftt whatever I'm waiting for an River Raid Movie hellll yea.

Also, Starship Troopers was an awesome movie.

#23 Edited by MattyFTM (14244 posts) -

I won't immediately dismiss the movie. Asteroids lack of storyline leaves plenty room for artistic license, and who knows, the movie could be good. However, the concept itself is dumb. They might as well make a movie about shooting asteroids that isn't based on the game. It would be no different.

Either way, more movies for TANG can only be a good thing.

Moderator
#24 Posted by DrainDeimo (120 posts) -

coming soon a live action pac-man movie "Pac-Man Return of the Ghost"

#25 Posted by JeffGoldblum (3659 posts) -
@DrainDeimo said:
" coming soon a live action pac-man movie "Pac-Man Return of the Ghost" "
  
#26 Posted by TheAdmin (703 posts) -

Here is the trailer:

  

#27 Posted by Media_Master (3283 posts) -

ya NOOOOO

#28 Posted by Kou_Leifoh (1891 posts) -

I love me some motha-fuckin TANG.

#29 Posted by PercyChuggs (1086 posts) -

It could work. Remember that childrens book on toy ray guns? Independence Day.

#30 Posted by Black_Rose (7785 posts) -

What a horrible, horrible idea.

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