I can't wait to have children. I keep running through these scenarios in my mind and it's just making me really anxious for the future. First and foremost I would have to legally change my last name to Awesome. Ideally I would have a boy named Freakin' and a girl  named Totally. I can't wait to bond with them, no longer will I have to rely on internet message boards to grief people, I can just go into the next room and bug my kids. 
 
Let me paint you a word picture. It's Friday night and my wife (who's totally hot) are going out for dinner. I leave the kids alone despite their protests that they're only seven and nine years old. (Freakin' is the oldest) In truth, I plan to come back twenty minutes later dressed in a ski mask, pretending to break into the house. I figure 40 minutes is enough time for them to start believing that they'll be alright without adult supervision. Once this false sense of safety has sunk into their tiny little child brains, I'll strike. A tap on the glass, a knock on the door, little things at first. A call from my cellphone, a conversation in which they ask who is calling and I respond only by breathing heavily into the phone before finally asking if they're home alone. After about a half hour of this mental torture I'll finally pretend to have picked the lock to the front door open and will then begin chasing the little ones all around the house while wearing my black ski mask and clutching a prop knife in my hand. This will teach the kids a valuable lesson; call 911 when trouble is afoot, don't go crying like little babies, which I'm sure they will.  
 
Hopefully this dream will become a reality in the near future. Maybe in a few years, in between announcements of 4D gaming and the establishment of the church of Gerstmann, I'll be writing a blog here at giant bomb dot com, talking about how I've finally become the totally awesome dad of my dreams and how my kids definitely didn't turn out scarred for life and incapable of forming normal human relationships because of a traumatic incident that they may or may not have experienced during their childhood...when I still had custody.      

  I can't wait to have children. I keep running through these scenarios in my mind and it's just making me really anxious for the future. First and foremost I would have to legally change my last name to Awesome. Ideally I would have a boy named Freakin' and a girl  named Totally. I can't wait to bond with them, no longer will I have to rely on internet message boards to grief people, I can just go into the next room and bug my kids. 
 
Let me paint you a word picture. It's Friday night and my wife (who's totally hot) are going out for dinner. I leave the kids alone despite their protests that they're only seven and nine years old. (Freakin' is the oldest) In truth, I plan to come back twenty minutes later dressed in a ski mask, pretending to break into the house. I figure 40 minutes is enough time for them to start believing that they'll be alright without adult supervision. Once this false sense of safety has sunk into their tiny little child brains, I'll strike. A tap on the glass, a knock on the door, little things at first. A call from my cellphone, a conversation in which they ask who is calling and I respond only by breathing heavily into the phone before finally asking if they're home alone. After about a half hour of this mental torture I'll finally pretend to have picked the lock to the front door open and will then begin chasing the little ones all around the house while wearing my black ski mask and clutching a prop knife in my hand. This will teach the kids a valuable lesson; call 911 when trouble is afoot, don't go crying like little babies, which I'm sure they will.  
 
Hopefully this dream will become a reality in the near future. Maybe in a few years, in between announcements of 4D gaming and the establishment of the church of Gerstmann, I'll be writing a blog here at giant bomb dot com, talking about how I've finally become the totally awesome dad of my dreams and how my kids definitely didn't turn out scarred for life and incapable of forming normal human relationships because of a traumatic incident that they may or may not have experienced during their childhood...when I still had custody.      

arent you a girl?

It is fun to go in the next room and bug your kids.

Gerstmann church! hahaha!

" arent you a girl? "

" @Ryax said:

" arent you a girl? "

I can if you want me to be. I have a base fee and a smaller hourly fee if you want this to last longer. PM me for more information.  "

If your wife is totally hot, then wait until she let's herself go a little, and then have kids.  Make the most of the "hot" man.

AND THIS PEOPLE IS WHY IDIOTS SHOULDNT HAVE CHILDREN

ok ill let the hole names thing slide but if this is your idea of a good up bringing the best thing you could do

I can't wait to be a dad either. Playing some games with your kids and taking them to their first baseball game... man... can't wait.

" @HS21: 

AND THIS PEOPLE IS WHY IDIOTS SHOULDNT HAVE CHILDREN

 

ok ill let the hole names thing slide but if this is your idea of a good up bringing the best thing you could do

 for a child is keep the fuck away "

" @oldschool: I'm tellin' your wife! "

" @oldschool: Selfish bastard, Now your kids are just left with that used up husk. "

" You realize there's such a thing as stealing babies correct?  Why don't you just do that? "

" @HS21: 

AND THIS PEOPLE IS WHY IDIOTS SHOULDNT HAVE CHILDREN

" @HS21:  

ok ill let the hole names thing slide

" @HS21: 

 IDIOTS

"@HS21: 

 hole 

 

" @HS21: i find your dry sense of humor funny sometimes "

May I suggest a clown suit and mask rather than the burglar/murderer get-up. You get the bonus of not having to ever hire a clown for parties.

"   I can't wait to have children. I keep running through these scenarios in my mind and it's just making me really anxious for the future. First and foremost I would have to legally change my last name to Awesome. Ideally I would have a boy named Freakin' and a girl  named Totally. I can't wait to bond with them, no longer will I have to rely on internet message boards to grief people, I can just go into the next room and bug my kids.  Let me paint you a word picture. It's Friday night and my wife (who's totally hot) are going out for dinner. I leave the kids alone despite their protests that they're only seven and nine years old. (Freakin' is the oldest) In truth, I plan to come back twenty minutes later dressed in a ski mask, pretending to break into the house. I figure 40 minutes is enough time for them to start believing that they'll be alright without adult supervision. Once this false sense of safety has sunk into their tiny little child brains, I'll strike. A tap on the glass, a knock on the door, little things at first. A call from my cellphone, a conversation in which they ask who is calling and I respond only by breathing heavily into the phone before finally asking if they're home alone. After about a half hour of this mental torture I'll finally pretend to have picked the lock to the front door open and will then begin chasing the little ones all around the house while wearing my black ski mask and clutching a prop knife in my hand. This will teach the kids a valuable lesson; call 911 when trouble is afoot, don't go crying like little babies, which I'm sure they will.   Hopefully this dream will become a reality in the near future. Maybe in a few years, in between announcements of 4D gaming and the establishment of the church of Gerstmann, I'll be writing a blog here at giant bomb dot com, talking about how I've finally become the totally awesome dad of my dreams and how my kids definitely didn't turn out scarred for life and incapable of forming normal human relationships because of a traumatic incident that they may or may not have experienced during their childhood...when I still had custody.       "

You'd need to get laid first for that.
 
So better luck next life I guess?

Man, I came in here all ready to dispense some gaming dad wisdom, now it's all fer naught.

" @ryoma122 said:  

" @HS21: 

AND THIS PEOPLE IS WHY IDIOTS SHOULDNT HAVE CHILDREN

" @HS21:  

ok ill let the hole names thing slide

" @HS21: 

 IDIOTS

"@HS21: 

 hole 

 

hmmm .... something strikes me as ironic about this ... but I can't put my finger on it ... "

" You'd need to get laid first for that.  So better luck next life I guess? "

"freaking awesome" I remember this "how I met your mother"-episode...

GOD FORBID that i bring children to this life. 
 
GOD FORBID that i bring children who would carry my fucked up DNA 
 
GOD FORBID that i shit all over my life by bringing little creatures for me to spend my money on, feed, take care of, worry about them day and night, have fights with them when they grow up, AND FACE THE MILLION POSSIBILITIES THE KID COULD TURN INTO WHEN HE'S A YOUNG MAN. 
 
I would cut my fucking dick open before i make a baby.

" GOD FORBID that i bring children to this life. 
 
GOD FORBID that i bring children who would carry my fucked up DNA 
 
GOD FORBID that i shit all over my life by bringing little creatures for me to spend my money on, feed, take care of, worry about them day and night, have fights with them when they grow up, AND FACE THE MILLION POSSIBILITIES THE KID COULD TURN INTO WHEN HE'S A YOUNG MAN. 
 
I would cut my fucking dick open before i make a baby. "

Hehe. Classy! 
 
@Ahmad_Metallic said:

" GOD FORBID that i bring children to this life. 
 
GOD FORBID that i bring children who would carry my fucked up DNA 
 
GOD FORBID that i shit all over my life by bringing little creatures for me to spend my money on, feed, take care of, worry about them day and night, have fights with them when they grow up, AND FACE THE MILLION POSSIBILITIES THE KID COULD TURN INTO WHEN HE'S A YOUNG MAN. 
 
I would cut my fucking dick open before i make a baby. "

What's really fun is getting hugs, and then every few times responding with yelling. "I love you." "I love you tAAAARRRRGHHH!" Not every time, since you still want them to come to you. Just frequently enough to put them on edge but infrequently enough to where they haven't built up a resistance. When they get a little older, you can move up to beatings, but when they get stronger than you, which inevitably will happen, steal their money.

" What's really fun is getting hugs, and then every few times responding with yelling. "I love you." "I love you tAAAARRRRGHHH!" Not every time, since you still want them to come to you. Just frequently enough to put them on edge but infrequently enough to where they haven't built up a resistance. When they get a little older, you can move up to beatings, but when they get stronger than you, which inevitably will happen, steal their money. "

" @PediatricUrology said:

" What's really fun is getting hugs, and then every few times responding with yelling. "I love you." "I love you tAAAARRRRGHHH!" Not every time, since you still want them to come to you. Just frequently enough to put them on edge but infrequently enough to where they haven't built up a resistance. When they get a little older, you can move up to beatings, but when they get stronger than you, which inevitably will happen, steal their money. "

You''d be the kind of parent that I'd be glad to have on the PTA. If I decide it's worth the money to send my child to school that is. Probably not though, everything they need to know to survive is already on the internet so whatevs... "

I want to be a Dad too...
 
....wait

I can't wait to fuck with my kids....The little ones are pretty stupid.

" @HS21: I should have known what to expect when entering one of your threads, but this time I was hopeful. My hope was misplaced.  :P "

Dude I wish parents were just like you.

I have to admit this made me lol.
 
But now I will make it my personal duty to make sure you NEVER procreate.

I want to be a Billionaire, so freakin bad.

Your posts are usually pretty damned funny. Comedy is your calling, maybe.

I admire this guy's ability to calmly reflect hate in amusing ways.

" Dude I wish parents were just like you. "

" @c1337us said:

" Dude I wish parents were just like you. "

If you want me to adopt you, just say the word. Kidnap and adopt both mean the same thing right? "

" @HS21 said:

" @c1337us said:

" Dude I wish parents were just like you. "

If you want me to adopt you, just say the word. Kidnap and adopt both mean the same thing right? "

That's what I keep telling the kid in my basement. "

No you don't.

" @c1337us said:

" @HS21 said:

" @c1337us said:

" Dude I wish parents were just like you. "

If you want me to adopt you, just say the word. Kidnap and adopt both mean the same thing right? "

That's what I keep telling the kid in my basement. "

I don't think I could ever even muster up the strength to kidnap anyone. I find myself always feeling like Forest Whitacker's left eye, just lazy.  "

" I admire this guy's ability to calmly reflect hate in amusing ways. "

" @Origina1Penguin said:

" I admire this guy's ability to calmly reflect hate in amusing ways. "

I know he is brilliant "