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    Bionic Commando Rearmed

    Game » consists of 9 releases. Released Aug 13, 2008

    Bionic Commando Rearmed is a remake of the classic NES game, Bionic Commando. Although it was designed mainly as a marketing tie-in to the 360 and PS3 game also called Bionic Commando, it was actually far, far better received by critics than the real console game.

    Official Xbox Magazine offers up an awful review.

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    SpaceInsomniac

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    #1  Edited By SpaceInsomniac
    Sorry, about the thread title, but it's actually OXM UK
    http://www.oxm.co.uk/article.php?id=5649


    "God... no. Damn! Phew. Oh God, don't... don't... DON'T! Gah! Followed by screaming, the sound of a pad shattering and a nearby staff writer being thrown headfirst towards the TV.

    To say Bionic Commando Rearmed can be a bit frustrating is like saying Xbox 360 can be a bit loud. It's unapologetically old-skool, from the inability to jump right through to the spiked pits that bounce you back a few feet minus a huge chunk of your health. Bosses have attack patterns, health pick-ups have to be earned and each level has been designed around blind leaps of faith and tiny margins of error.

    Its strength is its weakness. It has a solid, unrelenting challenge that will remind veteran gamers of years gone by when games made no apologies for being so stupidly, frustratingly, agonisingly tough. There's a real satisfaction when you finally master the arm that allows you to swing around the level like a tooled-up Tarzan, with the retro beats and Duke Nukem script adding to the retro feel. Yet it's those very same things that will turn everyone else off. You should already know which camp you fall into..."


    That's the review.  That's the ENTIRE review.  Someone actually got paid to write this piece of shit!  Tells you almost nothing about the game, nothing about the added features, the new weapons, the offline co-op, the multiplayer, the new bosses, the challenge rooms, or the brand new final level.  The reviewer does almost nothing but bitch and whine about the game, and then just slaps on an eight out of ten at the end, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  They also spelled agonizingly wrong.  Ugh.

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    DualReaver

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    #2  Edited By DualReaver

    Wow...

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    brukaoru

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    #3  Edited By brukaoru

    Sounds like I could get a job there... Hmm... That review is utter crap, seriously, appalling.

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    DualReaver

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    #4  Edited By DualReaver
    brukaoru said:
    "Sounds like I could get a job there... Hmm... That review is utter crap, seriously, appalling."
    I was thinking the exact same thing, I think I'm going to go apply for a job at OXM.
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    ZombieHunterOG

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    #5  Edited By ZombieHunterOG

    lol thats an awesome review if i was bizaro superman.......TeeHee

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    Relys

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    #7  Edited By Relys

    Somebody's a pussy.

    I'd like to see him play Contra.

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    Jackel2072

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    #8  Edited By Jackel2072

    Blah.  sounds like someone can't handle the heat!

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    Justaddwater

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    #9  Edited By Justaddwater

    The magazine is great for reviews normally, this is probably just taken straight from the magazine, where they have like a small section for arcade games, hence the short review.

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    SpaceInsomniac

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    #10  Edited By SpaceInsomniac
    Justaddwater said:
    "The magazine is great for reviews normally, this is probably just taken straight from the magazine, where they have like a small section for arcade games, hence the short review."
    Even if that was the case, that review is crap.  I could do a lot more with just half the space.
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    BionicIguana

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    #11  Edited By BionicIguana

    I can't believe he criticises the lack of jump button when that is pretty much the backbone of the whole game

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    KingBroly

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    #12  Edited By KingBroly

    I wouldn't want to know about the new final level.  That'd kinda spoil the point of buying the game if you knew what it was about.  But the review is pretty pathetic.  I, someone who never played Bionic Commando before knew the original game didn't have a jump function.  Someone fire this clown for his idiocy.  And the challenges are supposed to be tough, hence the name, "Challenge".  If they weren't challenging, they'd be called "Basics".  What an idiot.

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    BionicIguana

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    #13  Edited By BionicIguana

    Hear hear

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    Rowr

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    #14  Edited By Rowr

    probably reviewed by the designated XBLA person who is suited to playing all the crappy casual games.

    Thats pretty fucking terrible.

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    tomance

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    #15  Edited By tomance

    Well when they were making the game they said they were making it close to the original which was hard.  IGN said that it is really hard but once you get better at the swinging mechanic it eases up a bit. Also, 8.0 isn't a bad score.

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    get2sammyb

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    #16  Edited By get2sammyb

    The review is so short because it will be a sample from the magazine. What the mags here tend to do is with WiiWare releases etc they write a full review for the magazine but stick a really short excerpt from it on the site with the score just so people know.

    I agree that it's not nearly detailed enough for it to be of any use though.

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    nickyvegas

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    #17  Edited By nickyvegas

    I don't know what all of you are talking about.  I totally bought this game based entirely on this review.

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    I_smell

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    #18  Edited By I_smell
    SpaceInsomniac said:
    "or the brand new final level.  "
    What- Are all the other levels taken straight from the original Bionic Commando?
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    jNerd

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    #19  Edited By jNerd

    What the fuck!!!!!!! Because someone @ Xbox Mag doesn't know how to play fuckin videogames he takes it out in a shitty review of BC:R?
    Ugh....

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    jNerd

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    #20  Edited By jNerd
    I_smell said:
    "SpaceInsomniac said:
    "or the brand new final level.  "
    What- Are all the other levels taken straight from the original Bionic Commando?"
    Yeah, every level is an updated clone except the last level...
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    and333

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    #21  Edited By and333

    You know someones a bad writer when they make tons of references to other things(see Tarzan and Duke Nukem! Also trying to be funny by using un-happening violence isnt good either!

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    FengShuiGod

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    #22  Edited By FengShuiGod

    Wow. That's abysmal.

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    vidiot

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    #23  Edited By vidiot

    Reminds me of the time reviewers complained about Marathon on xbla for being... too old, not holding your hand directing you where to go, and not being very "halo-ish".

    Then I pretty much stopped reading reviews for old games on live arcade/virtual console/psn. Who would have thought a game back in the 80's would be hard? OMG! SHOCK!

    You know what would have been crazier? If after you run out of your lives you started back from the beginning of the game.
    Madness!

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    normajean777

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    #24  Edited By normajean777

    lol the d-pad probably killed him lol should of got the ps3 version

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    ProfessorEss

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    #25  Edited By ProfessorEss

    Even worse...
    Xbox World 360 Magazine UK gave the game 4/10?

    I normally respect other people's and sources opinions but in this case I'm givin them the big "YER IDIOTS".
    Their review almost managed to pull BC:R's metacrtic score into the 70s.

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    JohnDudebro

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    #26  Edited By JohnDudebro

    I do agree with the main point. Rearmed is too goddamn hard.

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    SpaceInsomniac

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    #27  Edited By SpaceInsomniac
    ProfessorEss said:
    Even worse...
    Xbox World 360 Magazine UK gave the game 4/10?

    I normally respect other people's and sources opinions but in this case I'm givin them the big "YER IDIOTS".
    Their review almost managed to pull BC:R's metacrtic score into the 70s.


    I'd really like to read what they wrote in that review, but I can't find the text anywhere on the internet.  These reviews are pissing me off, as they--along with a fairly poor demo version--could end up hurting sales.  While I feel Braid is worth the 1200 points, I also feel this games is an awesome deal at 800 MSP (or 10 dollars instead of 15).  The problem is that if this game doesn't sell well, I seriously doubt we're going to see another 800 point XBLA title with a much content and quality as this game.

    But yeah, Xbox World 360 Magazine UK must be a real rag.  Anyone have it and care to post why they gave the game such a low score?

    BananaKid said:
    "I do agree with the main point. Rearmed is too goddamn hard."

    Either swallow your pride and turn down the difficulty, or don't complain about it.
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    deactivated-5e4c09d3ba1b3

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    This game is hard, no doubt, but it's not hard in any cheap sort of way. They offer up extra tutorials PLUS the training sims to really play around with what you can do with the arm. I'm usually not one to jump on the "Oh god the guy just sucks at the game" review-bashing bandwagon, but complaining about the difficulty in a port of an ALREADY DIFFICULT NES game is asinine.

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    JohnDudebro

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    #29  Edited By JohnDudebro
    SpaceInsomniac said:
    BananaKid said:
    "I do agree with the main point. Rearmed is too goddamn hard."

    Either swallow your pride and turn down the difficulty, or don't complain about it.
    "
    Easy is almost condescending in how simple it is. It reverses the whole problem.

    My main issue is that games should just not have lives anymore. Nothing sucks more than having to start an entire level over again. Thank god they at least took continues out, but still--lives suck.
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    AndrewGaspar

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    #30  Edited By AndrewGaspar

    What is this Bionic Commando game? ;-P

    If you had never heard of the game, that review would tell you nothing. I wonder if they realize the game is supposed to emulate the difficulty of games on the NES. -.-

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    Gizmo

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    #31  Edited By Gizmo

    Dude, thats one shoddy review lol.

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    GrindAxis

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    #32  Edited By GrindAxis

    People get paid for writing this?

    This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

    Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.

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