BioShock

Not a very creative title. I suppose I could have put a bit more effort into it. Although the same could be said about Ken Levine and The Biggest Disappointment in Gaming History… Hey, that’s not a bad title.

BioShock’s biggest problem is that it doesn’t live up to the incredibly high expectations set by the master and commander Levine, hell, it doesn’t even live up to the mediocre expectations of any shooter/RPG/epic story game. The game starts out on a solid premise, underwater dystopia? Awesome. Genetically modified supermen? Incredible! BioShock? Disappointing. As a shooter BioShock is serviceable. You have your running, you have your gunning, but in the end it adds nothing new to the genre. As an RPG it is limited. There are no classes in BioShock, instead there are multi-level perks and powers to upgrade your character with. The perks modify health or mechanical abilities but they are basically a second thought. What had everyone wet for BioShock were the powers genetically spliced into you. Basically you have fire, freeze, and electricity, throw in some bees for fun but you won’t need the rest. When I say the powers and perks are multi-level I mean that in a purely statistical sense, Fire level 1 looks and acts exactly like Fire level 3. You can also upgrade weapons but you can’t upgrade all of the weapons fully with one run through so you have to choose carefully. My suggestion? DON’T.

This brings me to BioShock’s next glaring flaw; it is too damn easy. The basic enemies, and by basic enemies I mean any enemy that isn’t a Big Daddy or a boss, can be taken out with the Freeze-Them-and-Beat-Them-With-Your-Wrench Combo (or as it is called in the game; The ol’ One-Two combo). And since it is the best way to dispose of the underwater mutants there is really no reason, outside of trying every weapon once (and some you will only try once) and running out of EVE, to ever use anything else. And for the other guys, the Big Daddies, the true stars of Bioshock, well, they really don’t offer up any more of a challenge than any other bad guy, except they are tougher. That is unless you have a fully upgraded shotgun, or just some Electro-Gel, that’s the stuff that the 60’s Batman would have whipped out of his all-purpose utility belt and called Big Daddy repellent. But, if you’re looking for a challenge though, I recommend a different game, when you succumb to the throes of death there is only a negligible penalty so there is really nothing but Ken Levine telling you to “use traps and the environment against the Big Daddies” stopping you from just charging the Big Daddy until it bites the dust. “So, why wouldn’t I use traps and the environment against the Big Daddies?” you might ask. Aside from me telling you that you don’t have to, there aren’t really any to speak of. As far as environmental hazards you got water and gas. Burn the gas, shock the water. Next. Traps, the possibilities are limited, how limited? You get one. Crossbow tripwires. Awesome!

Well, at least those genetically mutated supermen (and women) are cool. All FIVE enemy models have a recognizable human form, bloody face, and dirty clothes. Some have hooks, for the life of me I can’t imagine who thought that would be an improvement. The only enemy models that break from the traditional five are the bosses. Aesthetically they are basically exactly the same, aside from a change of clothes and really that makes all the difference. Physically they are just a stronger version of one of the enemy types. None of them offer up much anything in terms of a challenge and really they are just benchmark to let you know how much more you have to put up with. The final benchmark, the final boss, is the one that breaks all preconceived notions about what an genetically altered citizen of an underwater dystopia can look like, and he will have you laughing all the way to the credits. For a mental picture think Zed from the original Power Rangers, minus the awesome. But with this incredibly underdesigned model comes sweet relief, the end, the stunning conclusion. Apparently there are 3 alternate endings, I would have loved to sit through the 12 hour campaign again and focus on not killing the Little Sisters, I mean ripping out sea slugs, to see the montage of blue tinted pictures accompanied by a dramatic voice over but by that time I had already sold back my copy to GameStop for 14 bucks… suckers.

And that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Levine called out the limited RPG elements and the bare bones shooting and instead offered us an “emotionally gripping thrill ride that is BioShock”. That’s not an actual quote, or maybe it is, who cares. To me listening to tape decks isn’t exactly ‘emotionally gripping,’ usually when dealing with a visual medium I like to actually SEE what is going on. The tape deck system isn’t a story telling device, it’s a brilliant ploy to by Ken Levine not to hire animators. There are no FMVs, no cut scenes, just in game cinematics that are mediocre at best. Even the end is just a bunch of pictures with a voice over telling you that you saved or destroyed the world. But I will admit, when I first played BioShock I thought I liked it, when playing I bought into the reviews and the hype, I had too. I mean I dropped 60 bucks on it. But when it was all said and done, when the credits rolled on BioShock a feeling of emptiness swept over me. I felt used, violated, and mocked. Mocked by Ken Levine and his BioShock. Ken was laughing at me, laughing at everyone who bought his shtick, and we bought it wholesale. Everything in BioShock is undercooked, we get tape decks when we should have cut scenes, we get FIVE enemies when we should get Twenty-Five, and we get cartoony graphics when we should get arresting visuals depth and life. We get it all under the name of ‘art’ that’s how Ken sold it to us, a piece of art. It is not art. It is a gimmick, a sales pitch, a safety net that let Ken put out a product with minimal effort.

By now I’m sure everyone who reads this will have bought or at least played BioShock but if this review can stop one, just one person from making the same mistake so many of us did I will die a happy reviewer. Jeff Gerstmann himself as you may remember gave this game a shinning review, a 9 out of 10 on the .5 increment GameSpot scale, but I say it is not too late! You are free of your shackles, I too fell for the game when I played it but now time has passed remember, remember the game for what it is. I implore you to right the wrongs of yesterday, absolve yourself of your sins and revaluate this game. If not for me then for you own soul.

-       Aquaman