Today, I don't even have to get up off my couch if I get stuck in a game, something that seems to be an increasing rarity. I just pull up an FAQ on my iPhone, and all of a game's secrets are laid out in simple text. In the near future, Nintendo will make the games play themselves if they get too tough. But there was once a time that games were hard. Crazy hard. And you actually had to go outside your house to play them, and the main way you got better was by throwing more quarters into the machine. Barbaric, right?

That's not to say there weren't strategy guides, but seriously, who has time to read in the fast-paced 1980s? If you were real savvy, you dubbed a copy of the Conquer the Video Craze record onto cassette and cranked up your Walkman as you rode you 10-speed to the arcade. I've heard snippets of this surreal instructional record before--Kid Koala samples it at the start of the song " Fender Bender " off his Carpal Tunnel Syndrome record, and there are some MP3s of it floating around the internet --but it was totally worth the money to snag a sealed copy off eBay, if for nothing more than the cover art and the olfactory-tickling must contained behind it.

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This kind of predates my early video game experiences by a few years, though my options of Nintendo Power and GamePro TV weren't really much better. As weird as the idea of a record filled with game tips might seem, the craziest part is that there's actually some pretty solid advice on this old LP. The awesomely named Curtis Hoard, who wrote Conquer the Video Craze and is repeatedly heralded as an Atari Champion finalist, seems like he knew his shit. There's no indication that the voice on the record is actually him, though whoever's doing the reading has a supremely soothing tone. From now on, I'm just going to put this record on before I fall asleep and dream about Dig Dug . Though, you know, good dreams, as opposed to the monstrous, claustrophobic Fygar-filled night-terrors I usually have.

Anyways . Here's a minute of basic Centipede knowledge being dropped on side one.

Today, I don't even have to get up off my couch if I get stuck in a game, something that seems to be an increasing rarity. I just pull up an FAQ on my iPhone, and all of a game's secrets are laid out in simple text. In the near future, Nintendo will make the games play themselves if they get too tough. But there was once a time that games were hard. Crazy hard. And you actually had to go outside your house to play them, and the main way you got better was by throwing more quarters into the machine. Barbaric, right?

That's not to say there weren't strategy guides, but seriously, who has time to read in the fast-paced 1980s? If you were real savvy, you dubbed a copy of the Conquer the Video Craze record onto cassette and cranked up your Walkman as you rode you 10-speed to the arcade. I've heard snippets of this surreal instructional record before--Kid Koala samples it at the start of the song " Fender Bender " off his Carpal Tunnel Syndrome record, and there are some MP3s of it floating around the internet --but it was totally worth the money to snag a sealed copy off eBay, if for nothing more than the cover art and the olfactory-tickling must contained behind it.

Gallery

This kind of predates my early video game experiences by a few years, though my options of Nintendo Power and GamePro TV weren't really much better. As weird as the idea of a record filled with game tips might seem, the craziest part is that there's actually some pretty solid advice on this old LP. The awesomely named Curtis Hoard, who wrote Conquer the Video Craze and is repeatedly heralded as an Atari Champion finalist, seems like he knew his shit. There's no indication that the voice on the record is actually him, though whoever's doing the reading has a supremely soothing tone. From now on, I'm just going to put this record on before I fall asleep and dream about Dig Dug . Though, you know, good dreams, as opposed to the monstrous, claustrophobic Fygar-filled night-terrors I usually have.

Anyways . Here's a minute of basic Centipede knowledge being dropped on side one.

Yep, games are becoming easier as technology increases.

This is so awesome.

I would buy one if they made one today for games.

His voice makes me feel safe.

Did the Beastie Boys sample this on Time to Build?

Back in the day, I was a huge fan of point and click adventure games. I'd get stuck and I'd beat my head against the desk for hours and hours before I would be able to advance and I LIKED IT! This one time, I actually wrote to Sierra On-Line for help and they sent me back a very helpful letter explaining what I was supposed to do. I can't remember where I was stuck, but I know that it was 'The Dagger of Amon Ra' which meant that it was a Roberta Williams game which probably meant that I had to restore a saved game from WAAAAY earlier to pick up an item that I had missed at the start of the game. Good times.

Since I've gotten older, I don't have the patience for crap like that anymore so I usually alt+tab out of the game where Gamefaqs is open and waiting for me.

That's pretty much all I had to say. I primarily wanted to complain about Roberta Williams. Carry on...

Wow, nice find.  That's the sort of geeky thing I'd put up on a bookshelf for display.  Hah!

Wow the sound quality of LPs still amazes me.

Astonishing!

He makes the act of spiders attacking you sound rational.

Times sure have changed. I remember buying £5 playstation magazines just for the cheat section. Now I can just check on GameFAQs.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if this could come back, in the form of mp3 walkthroughs. You won't even have to read anything, just load up your iPod with a walkthrough and go.

So f'n amazing! 

Words to live by--- "You are a gun".

...just great.

HAHAHAHA!!! This is sooo awesome!

MY DOMAIN HAS NO LIMITS!

I hope they include this in DJ Hero

This is awesome! 

I remember being one of the first people in my school to know just about everything there is in Mortal Kombat II... I was an ass and wouldn't tell anyone, just pwn people with Fatalities/etc. :p 

I was really lucky to be at the Arcade the day when one of the Midway guys (or someone related) came-in to help them swap the Board/ROM's inside the cabinet.  They let me in on a bunch of secrets. 

The dark ages before the net.  Them were the days!

YOU ARE THE GUN!

That is pretty awesome!

That is amazing.  Luckily I was born in the video game age of strategy guides and Nintendo Power.

Sweet.

Games are being made significantly simpler so they can appeal to the masses - and I for one am thankfully that's the case.

" I primarily wanted to complain about Roberta Williams. Carry on... "

Vinyl records are the way of the future.

Ok I just made a really bad quality hip hop remix of this that's pretty sweet. It's kind of loud so maybe turn down your sound a bit  first.

Listening to the audio description makes Centipede make even less sense.

I want a Noby Noby Boy one. "The goal of the game is to stretch BOY and add his length to GIRL." "Press the PACMAN PACMAN button to stand firm."

I didn't realise this sample was an actual record. I guess it makes sense, if Kid Koala's futzing about with it.

I desire this slice of vinyl in ways that make me forget my girlfriend's name.

Tangent time: Kid Koala made me tear up when I went and saw him live. His rendition of 'Moon River' was possibly the most beautiful and charming thing I've ever heard a DJ perform. And dude does it all without headphones! Mad talent.

His name is Curtis Hoard? That's one letter off from my dad's (and my) name. We are the Curtis Heard-s. Not as brutal sounding, but much funnier.

I think I've heard that record sampled by The Avalanches on "Since i left you".

You are a gun, that looks like a snake head. You must kill the spider.

make a feature of this and play us all the tracks 

I lived during the era of no way out. It ruined me. I missed out on some good games, because I was afraid of failure. I like where games are today.

God bless the 80's.

I used to read the strategy guides at the bookstore in the mall then go try them out at the arcade there.  Then I'd buy some tacos in the food court.  Ah, the 80s...

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that is timeless ryan

That voice is soothing

Read with all of the enthusiasm of an NPR segment. Classic.