This game is fucking insane. Let me explain how.

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#1 Posted by Disconnect (68 posts) -

So, I just bought CK2 today.

The most common piece of advice seemed to be "start as someone in Ireland and learn the ropes!". Fine I thought, and picked some guy with one region and one vassal. Three generations later, I'm in a position where my son and heir has an independent kingdom in the middle of Ireland while I got the rest, he happens to be a genius though and for some reasons he went from 100+ to negative 60 because he wants more land. Land which I can't grant him because he's independent. I don't know.

My guy, meanwhile, is a bit of an asshole, known as cruel and not very intelligent. I spend the next three small wars trying to get him killed so my son can take over and unite Ireland with the help of his dad's war chest. For some reason I also have Cornwall, I don't really know how or why. Succession/doling out titles is the most confusing system so far. I don't speak medieval.

ANYWAYS, HERE'S THE FUCKING CRAZY PART JESUS CHRIST so, I can't get my guy killed but a golden opportunity presents itself. A glorious crusade. I send him down there alone with all the men he could muster from Cornwall. Because fuck Cornwall.

321 men. They will join their lord in heaven and they will die in the mud outside of Jerusalem for the cause of a united Ireland.

I look for the papal stack and I think "hey, maybe if he dies fighting with the pope I'll get some sort of bonus". The fight is happening right outside Jerusalem and the Muslim stack is somewhere close to 12k and the Christians have 9k plus 321 brave souls from Cornwall. Somehow my fucking "king" (he's not a king yet but it sounds better than "my dude") manages to corner the leader of the caliphate in battle. He defeats him and imprisons him and this helps end the war immediately and my idiot king, the guy I wanted dead, instead ends up with all of Jerusalem even though he only sent 321 men. That's like 50 titles/lands/whatevers over limit and my court consists of 11 people and I have like 3 sons. There's a bishop that holds 20 separate titles and he's pretty stoked.

Just to give you an idea of how fucked up my kingdom is: I threw a huge tournament (because why not?) and as soon as it ended and people started to leave, bandits swooped down and raided every single entourage because there's more thieves guilds than toilets in the holy land at the moment.

#2 Posted by Kaiserreich (681 posts) -

Amazing

#3 Posted by HaltIamReptar (2029 posts) -

I love this fucking game.

You might want to change your succession laws to primogeniture, because that's the easiest to understand and take advantage of at a low skill level. Primogeniture is just your heir takes all.

#4 Posted by RawknRo11a (549 posts) -

this game does sound pretty amazing... let us know what happens to "your dude" in the future.

#5 Posted by Jrinswand (1695 posts) -

That's a pretty awesome write-up, OP. I've heard a lot of really good things about CK2, but I don't have time for another timesuck like that right now. I'm already playing like 3 games plus Guild Wars 2.

#6 Posted by Pezen (1546 posts) -

I tried to usher in my own Swedish empire, but the norse leader in Uppland keeps bullying me into submission. Somehow wars start where I have about 200 men and the invading force is 5 times that size. I suck at this game, even when cheating. I am sure it's more fun when you know what to do. At this point it feels like the game plays itself and I click on irrelevant stat menus.

#7 Posted by TheHT (10787 posts) -

Hah! That's the sort of story that actually makes me interested in this game.

#8 Posted by Chemin (632 posts) -

That's the fun part of Paradox games. They are crazy. Shit can turn out WTF at a moment's notice.

#9 Posted by Inkerman (1448 posts) -
@Disconnect: It's possible while your guy is stupid, his melee stat might be through the roof, meaning while he's retarded, he kicks ass in battle. Succession rules are weird though, as someone already said, switch to primogeniture. I once 'inherited' all of Brittany because a courtier of mine married the Duchess there. He immediately tried to secede so I had to beat his ass, but I got the whole of Brittany doing nothing.
#10 Posted by ArtisanBreads (3716 posts) -

HA this story is inspiring me to finally get to this. The idea is so appealing. I know it's not possible but if only it had Total War esque battles.

Total War really is missing these personal stories and the presence of individuals.

#11 Posted by Ben_H (3291 posts) -

I think I need to play that game.

#12 Posted by Ravelle (1168 posts) -

It takes a very long time to get in to the game, for me anyways because of the bible of a tutorial you need to read and even then when you start playing it's hard to figure out how to get started and what to do.

#13 Posted by TwoLines (2782 posts) -

That sounds incredible. I'm adding this game to my wish list.

#14 Posted by SirOptimusPrime (1913 posts) -

Oh man, that's a good one. I love hearing stories about this game because, so far, the craziest thing to happen to me is assassinating most of my ~20 children one of my characters had (who is still alive at 74, by the way).

I love this game so hard.

#15 Posted by HaltIamReptar (2029 posts) -

@SirOptimusPrime said:

Oh man, that's a good one. I love hearing stories about this game because, so far, the craziest thing to happen to me is assassinating most of my ~20 children one of my characters had (who is still alive at 74, by the way).

I love this game so hard.

My son kept marrying women with a shitty stewardship stat, and because of the circumstances, I couldn't arrange a marriage. So what I did was I kept assassinating his wives over and over again until I got one with a decent score. I kid you not, I murdered my daughter-in-law eight times.

#16 Posted by Funkydupe (3305 posts) -

I tried this but I couldn't really get anywhere, I guess I suck at it.

#17 Posted by Subjugation (4714 posts) -

ETA to : ???

#18 Edited by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@Subjugation said:

ETA to : ???

HI

and yeah, that shit is great OP and is the reason why I play. Sometimes I even like using the observe command to see how Europe changes without external forces (aka ME).

and my kingdoms always end up being ruled by women at all times because I enjoy imagining the Matriarchy IRL

edit; Also the ruler designer is an amazing piece of DLC and right now the Caravella dynasty holds much of north Africa and southern Italy

#19 Posted by MariachiMacabre (7039 posts) -
@Subjugation

ETA to : ???

Animasta can smell CK2 threads like a shark smells blood in the water.
#20 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@MariachiMacabre said:

@Subjugation

ETA to : ???

Animasta can smell CK2 threads like a shark smells blood in the water.

I am the Queen of the CK2 board on Giant Bomb.

the title will pass to whomever I deem worthy as this is an elective monarchy and I hold all the power

#21 Posted by Atlas (2428 posts) -

The more people realise how amazing this game truly is, the better the world will be. Of this I am sure.

Very few games generate anecdotes better than CKII.

#22 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@Atlas said:

The more people realise how amazing this game truly is, the better the world will be. Of this I am sure.

Very few games generate anecdotes better than CKII.

the only one that comes close is Skyrim, and then CK2 will be perfect when the Elder Scrolls mod comes out for it.

It's pretty close last I checked

#23 Posted by Tennmuerti (7951 posts) -

Oh man that was a hilarious read.

On that note I really really need to actually start playing the damn game at some point.

I bought it, went through the tutorials, read up on some stuff from 2 wiki's, created some custom monarchs, and never actually played the game itself beyond the first month. And yet now i just keep putting off playing it.

#24 Posted by Patman99 (1556 posts) -

If you know the basic mechanics of the game, I would suggest playing as the Holy Roman Empire. While you will have to deal with a shit-ton of vassal relations, your army is so huge you can just crush anyone and everyone. As a result, you can focus on developing your economic and diplomatic skills without any real worry of having half your kingdom revolt and beat you back down to courtier.

Also, I always go for the crusades. Most of the time crazy shit like the OP mentioned happens all the time. As France I ended up with most of the Islamic Iberian peninsula. After years of conquering Iberia in the name of the Pope, I ended up having to eventually give French Iberia independence or face a massive civil war.

#25 Posted by RollingZeppelin (1908 posts) -

Ha ha, good read, I guess your main king dude wasn't so shitty if he could single-handedly end the resistance.

side note - I'm surprised the mods haven't locked this thread what with the swearing in the title.

#26 Posted by Disconnect (68 posts) -

King Dude (aka King Art I 'the Cruel') died (gloriously) whilst fighting rebels in the holy land. This will be the last Irish army to fight in the open field in the holy land.

His heir (King Dude II The Smart) immediately lost out on the claim of the holy land when his brother got the backing of pretty much every single vassal in the region right when King Dude Sr. died. The brother must've underappreciated my incompetence though (maybe due to the word smart being right there in my name, a clever tactic on my part) because during my futile attempts at doling out my new lands and titles I gave a random third of it to the pope. King Brother Dude, the new king of Jerusalem, immediately got excommunicated and in the same breath I declared war (ALL THE CLAIMS BITCH. IF YOU PLOT, YOU ROT. LIEGES GET SIEGES) and started attacking his holdings back in Ireland. And fucking Cornwall. Piece of fucking shit Cornwall.

For some reason I've become buddies with a Breton mercenary leader and a 7k stack appeared on the Irish mainland without asking for pay and we just roll King Brother Dude and all his vassals. I click yes on all the buttons and somehow end up with a Prince-Bishop back in big J in the holy land. My grand strategy for holding my regions in the middle-east: click yes whenever some random noble asks me if they can come fight the infidels for me. Somehow, after like six wars with various Muslim factions, I still have a Prince-Bishop-whatever down there that counts me as his liege, and like two regions. 95% of The Kingdom of Jerusalem is now located in Ireland, either through neglect or brilliant strategy. You decide. All the vassals that backed King Brother Dude got conquered while I chilled back in Eire.

After all this... King Dude II The Smart was at least smart enough not to die on the battlefield, but rather he stepped out of time whilst in his bed. Hopefully with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around his cock.

Where I'm at currently: I have no idea which buttons to push in order to unite Ireland as the nation called Ireland, or if I even can. My grandfather's spy-master tried to jack the breaks on my wagon. An Iberian dwarf lady taught my eldest son how to fight. I was enjoying tinkering with Ireland again but then, suddenly.... "successful crusade!" and now I just got back at least half of the shit my great grandfather gained through his stupidity/expendability/luckity. I have no idea who I'm going to give all this to. The cycle of ineptitude starts anew.

#27 Posted by Disconnect (68 posts) -

@HaltIamReptar said:

You might want to change your succession laws to primogeniture, because that's the easiest to understand and take advantage of at a low skill level. Primogeniture is just your heir takes all.

Cheers! King Dude could've used someone like you around.

#28 Posted by HaltIamReptar (2029 posts) -

@Disconnect: If you have 7 or more counties of Ireland either directly or as vassalage, click a random county there. Click the flag. Hit "de jure". Hit the flag of Ireland. Hit "make title".

You are now the king of Ireland.

#29 Posted by Veektarius (4536 posts) -

How do you guys make the recommendation to switch to primogeniture so lightly? It requires absolute monarchy, doesn't it?

#30 Posted by MuttersomeTaxicab (667 posts) -

@Disconnect: I want to hug this post.

#31 Posted by Ravenlight (8040 posts) -

@Disconnect said:

LIEGES GET SIEGES

I've been on the fence but this seals the deal. I'm picking up CK2 on Friday.

#32 Posted by Tennmuerti (7951 posts) -

@Disconnect: Please, don't, stop. Ever.

#33 Edited by Disconnect (68 posts) -

With the help of the advice provided by Haltlam Reptar The Wise I finally managed to click the button that united Ireland. Green covered the Kingdom of Jerusalem rather than white. My former rivals were all either dead or exiled. The Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Kingdom of Ireland both secure, and most importantly... mine.

Finally there was peace.

... and this was the worst fucking thing that could happen. The heir to King Dude II The Smart starts breeding like crazy and seems to live forever. One son has the claim to the Kingdom of Ireland, and his younger brother will stand to inherit the Kingdom of Jerusalem. All of this is made worse by my futile attempts at pleasing all the new branches of my burgeoning family. I'm great at bullying dukes and stealing their titles. Plus I throw pretty dope fucking parties. This is how I conquered Ireland... but at the end of all of this I still have no idea how to deal with a family, and a kingdom, of this size. I can't change the inheritance law and consolidate my power around a single heir because all my new vassals refuse to change the law. The old vassals hate me even more because I took some of their land in order to placate all my new sons and grandsons with lands and titles.

I keep desperately handing out these lands and titles until I realize I've turned both my kingdoms into ticking time bombs. Everyone has a claim to something. Everyone wants more than they already have. It hits me like a flagon thrown by an angry relative at one of my feasts: This place will turn into a Shakespearean play set in the Thunderdome when the king dies. Even cousins of my grandsons have (albeit weak) claims to something of note. Shit turns really bad really fast when the king dies. I manage to hold onto Ireland and my dude is somewhat stronger than his brother... but the families just keep growing. With the next heir I find myself in a position where I can't please any vassals and my personal army strength is maybe 5% of the military total.

Then I make the worst mistake yet. A plotting faction that consists of maybe 70% of my vassals for some reason gives me an ultimatum: Change the law so my heir is chosen based on some notion of seniority. I should've just fought the civil war even though they outnumbered me 10 to 1, but I hit yes and now my heir is some random ass cousin twice removed from the glorious and proud lineage of Dude Kings. Worse still, his only somewhat proper claim is the fucking duchy of fucking Cornwall. As soon as my king dies I end up with some random ass cousin twice removed. While he's got some claims and still inherits the title of king, he doesn't last. I get bullied and beaten by the brothers of the former king and end up a vassal to the joint Kingdoms of Jerusalem and Ireland.

I fight yet another civil war and manage to free myself yet again. I'm broke. I start slowly picking up the pieces of Ireland and the years go by. I'm still broke. Then another civil war hits. I have no money. No army. My main rival musters ten thousand men. Guess where from? Yep. Fucking Cornwall.

#34 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

these are fantastic, these inspire my own game... I just got Jerusalem in a Crusade, and now the Caravella dynasty holds middle North Africa, Jerusalem and Naples.

#35 Posted by No0b0rAmA (1490 posts) -

NOT AS COOL AS WHEN I FORMED THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE AS GREECE IN 1881 IN VICTORIA 2.

#36 Edited by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@No0b0rAmA said:

NOT AS COOL AS WHEN I FORMED THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE AS GREECE IN 1881 IN VICTORIA 2.

victoria 2 is lame and your accomplishment is lame :3

At least make it somewhat cool, like when I colonized all of north america (and Venezuela) as Norway in EU3

#37 Posted by SirOptimusPrime (1913 posts) -

@Disconnect: That's fucking magical. Please keep updating this thread with your (admittedly hilarious) antics.

I haven't gotten anything this great, but my next heir is a different culture than 90% of my vassals so I imagine that's going to be good fun when he's king of Hispania.

#38 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@SirOptimusPrime: what culture? They generally don't mind so much you're Castillian and they're, like, Catalan/Basque/Portuguese.

#39 Edited by SirOptimusPrime (1913 posts) -

@Animasta: Well, he'll be my first Andalusian character so the majority of my vassals are either Castillian or Basque/Catalan. It's one of the things I haven't yet discovered how it works in the game - that and this new fangled Islam stuff that I started in another game as well.

Welp, there goes another 30 hours.

#40 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@SirOptimusPrime: I love making hispania Andalusian, it's always so fun (especially since I'm christian and Andalusian since I don't have sword of Islam). And I think you'll just get a -10 penalty for foreign culture, which you can offset by being kind or humble or attractive.

#41 Posted by SirOptimusPrime (1913 posts) -

@Animasta said:

@SirOptimusPrime: I love making hispania Andalusian, it's always so fun (especially since I'm christian and Andalusian since I don't have sword of Islam). And I think you'll just get a -10 penalty for foreign culture, which you can offset by being kind or humble or attractive.

I just got it from a giveaway and have yet to try it out for real. Oh, and that sucks... I was hoping for some terrible side-effects and not just something I can take care of by being sexy :|

#42 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

you'll also probably have people try and rebel! that's always fun

#43 Posted by No0b0rAmA (1490 posts) -

@Animasta said:

@No0b0rAmA said:

NOT AS COOL AS WHEN I FORMED THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE AS GREECE IN 1881 IN VICTORIA 2.

victoria 2 is lame and your accomplishment is lame :3

At least make it somewhat cool, like when I colonized all of north america (and Venezuela) as Norway in EU3

How about becoming the second most powerful country in the world as the Kingdom of Hawaii.

#44 Posted by Patman99 (1556 posts) -

@Disconnect: I've found that switching to elective succession is better than primogeniture. Essentially, it allows you to nominate an heir. While all the other dukes and counts have a vote, I've never experienced an issue as long as everyone is mildly happy. The only trick is that you need to nominate an heir for each of the "Kingdom" titles you hold. In Ireland, you should only have one (unless you are beating on Scotland) so that shouldn't be a huge problem. This also allows you to keep all your titles under your main line. Essentially, never give any land or titles to any of your brother or sisters. Sure, they will be mad but they can never really do anything about it.

If you have more demesne than your maximum, shovel them off to the courtier that likes you the most. The only negative side effect I found from this strategy is that once your kingdom becomes fairly large (I'm talking France kind of large) your vassals will frequently war with each other. You just have to be careful that one vassal does not accumulate too much land.

If you get bored of Ireland, I suggest playing as one of the Spanish kingdoms. The awesome part is that Leon, Galicia, and Castile are all brothers. So if you plot against people (which is what you should do if you want to murder someone) and you have a bit of luck, you can cobble together most of northwestern Iberia in a few years. Once you have done that, you can choose to either go against your Catholic brethren to the east or wage a holy war against the heretics to the south. Holy Wars are fun, but you can quickly get overwhelmed so fabricating claims is generally a better strategy.

Anyway, I can talk about this game forever. Glad to hear that someone else is experiencing the fun of uniting good ol' Eire.

#45 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@No0b0rAmA: okay that's pretty cool, I am always down with underdog stories

#46 Posted by Bourbon_Warrior (4523 posts) -
#47 Posted by casper_ (901 posts) -

this game is my jam.

goty 2012

#48 Posted by gaminghooligan (1402 posts) -

gaminghooligan has started the independence faction in the Kingdom of Giant Bomb

#49 Posted by Animasta (14632 posts) -

@casper_ said:

this game is my jam.

goty 2012

word

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