Just testing out ideas and seeing what sticks... I could have tried a couple of more times at recording the VO, since my ass is hard to understand at some points in the video... so here's a transcript:
Duke Nukem Forever starts out with you drawing cocks and smearing shit all over the wall. Soon enough, you'll play an updated boss fight from Duke Nukem 3D, only to find out that you're just playing a video game inside of a video game. The alien race decides that they haven't had their asses handed over to them enough yet, so they'll give it another go at taking over the world. From here, we get a smattering of old pop culture references so irrelevant today that you might have missed out on them the first time you saw them. Did you catch that Christian Bale reference that was three years too late? Duke is told not to engage with the alien race, but shit gets personal when they start "Taking all of his babes". The game becomes really repetitive and stretched out for about eight hours until we come to the final boss battle. And guess what, it's the same exact boss you fought at the beginning of the game. I'd like to think of it as a really poetic way of saying that you wasted 14 hours of your life playing this game, the same way metacritic poetically told the developers that they wasted 14 years of their life making the game.