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Posted by Jeff
 Collect 'em all?
You know, this might only be funny to people who write about games for a living. Or maybe I'm just being a dick. I can't really tell anymore. Either way, Future issued a press release this morning to let us all know about the next issue of Official Nintendo Magazine. The UK book is running its Super Mario Galaxy 2 review in the next issue, and apparently someone's pretty stoked about that. Stoked enough to use "latest Miyamoto masterpiece gets six limited edition covers and massive ten-page review" as the sub-head.

Here's one bit that I found particularly hilarious.

Ahead of Super Mario Galaxy 2 hitting UK stores on Friday 11th June, from Wednesday 12th May Official Nintendo Magazine offers gamers six limited edition covers and a set of exclusive badges, as well as the only review that matters. With a spectacular ten-page review, Official Nintendo Magazine has the definitive verdict on the latest and greatest Mario game.

OK... you've already called it the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece" and you're devoting SIX covers to the game. Are you really going to sit there with a straight face and claim that your official review is "the only review that matters?" You've already tipped your hand! Why would anyone read one page of that review, let alone 10?

Hey guys, do you think Official Nintendo Magazine likes that Super Mario Galaxy 2 game? Call me crazy, but I bet it'll review pretty well.

Personally, I'd love to see them put together six separate covers, call it "Miyamoto's latest masterpiece," and then give it a 60 or something. Of course, that'd be unfair to the game, which appears to be at least somewhat awesome, but a guy can dream, right?

"Hooray, the latest Mario masterpiece is here, collect all six covers and read our 10-pager, and then at the end see that we've given it a 6/10 because it's somewhat middling! The only review that matters!"

I won't even get into how absurd the idea of devoting 10 pages to a review is. Of course, if I was running a magazine devoted to Nintendo's platforms, I'd probably do the same thing. Heck, for a release this monumental, they might as well just devote the entire book to it this month. And next month.

The release closes with a quote from the magazine's editor, Neil Long.

“Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a very special game and to celebrate that we’ve done something very special with this issue. The top notch packaging and different magazine covers reflect the breathtaking quality and diversity within Miyamoto’s latest masterpiece. Combined with several other new projects we’re working on at the moment, it’s an exciting time to be at Official Nintendo Magazine.”

I sympathize with Mr. Long here, as this whole press release seems like something an editorial staff would have nothing to do with. He probably just picked his head up off of his desk one morning to see some excitable marketing person standing there, ranting about multiple covers and getting quotes approved for a press release. Sensing a pounding hangover coming on, he probably said "sure, sure, whatever you need to write, go ahead" and went back to sitting in the darkness. At least, that's how it always happened to me. Next thing I knew, photos of me with soda logos where my eyes should be were circulating around the office as part of some crazy sales pitch, and I decided to start paying more attention in meetings.

OK, so, let's reflect on what we've learned about the next Mario game:

  • It's the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece."
  • It's big enough to warrant 10 pages of review coverage.
  • It's eventful enough to warrant six different covers, one of which is exclusive to subscribers.
  • It contains "breathtaking quality and diversity."
  • The Official Nintendo Magazine review is the "only review that matters."

Be sure to keep all that in mind when all of the other completely useless, unofficial, and non-exclusive reviews start hitting closer to the game's May 23 street date.
Staff Online
Edited by myslead

possibly one of the first game I'll get on the Wii since it's release lol

Posted by Dad_Is_A_Zombie


Posted by zombie2011

10/10 i'm guessing.

Posted by Tesla

Jeff Gerstmann's review of this review is the only review that matters.

Posted by LordXavierBritish

Do the people at Future just take rounds sucking Miyamoto's dick?

Posted by punkxblaze

Herp derp.

Posted by SpudzDK

This article just made my day :D

Posted by MrYevrah
@Tesla: yes@Tesla said:
" Jeff Gerstmann's review of this review is the only review that matters. "
Posted by dbz1995

Anyway, a good point. Game looks awesome, anyway. Wish I could play it.

Posted by Trace

You're not being a dick, Jeff. That sounds a bit silly, devoting ten pages to a review where we only need either a few sentences to understand its shortcomings, or a quick, "Yeah, it's good."
Then again, maybe they did give it a bad review, and they're using ten pages to try and rationalize their low score and save themselves from loads of angry Mario fans. Like you said, that won't happen, but at least it'd be a bit more understandable.

Posted by strangeling

Sure, ten page review.  They've got to review all the different worlds separately.  That eats up a lot of space. 
I'm guessing it's as good as any core Mario game.  You know, like Zelda.  They're all pretty much as good as the ones before.

Posted by Atomasist

All hail the great Miyamoto.

Posted by EthanielRain

You are being a bit of a dick - AFAIK Nintendo Magazine is mostly aimed at little kids, and when I was little I couldn't get enough Mario - but in a funny and justified way :O)

Posted by Toxin066

I heard Jeff's review of this review is mentioned in that review so we can't read Jeff's review and trust it 100% because he's mentioned their review in his review of that review. Or something.
That whole schpiel over at Nintendo Power seems ridiculous. His latest masterpiece? You mean the continuation of his masterpiece?

Posted by nail1080

I don't see what the big deal is here. Ninty Official mag have always done things like this to promote their big franchises.
Looks like more Wii hate on Giantbomb to me, but I don't care 'cuz the Wii is a boring pile of dust for me anyway

Posted by TripMasterMunky

Man I gotta get this to find out if the game is good or not. Only Nintendo Power will give me the most honest review!

Posted by SJSchmidt93

I do believe Hilary Goldstein's GTA 4 review was 11 pages.

Posted by usedtype

Wait, that first quote says the magazine will have "the definitive verdict on the latest and GREATEST Mario game ever" (emphasis added).  Right there they already said it's the greatest Mario game.  Why even read their review?

Posted by TheAdmin

This is why I love this site. Official Magazine + Press release Bullshit. 

Posted by Boom_goes_the_dynamite

This review of the review is funny.  
 My question is what happens when you collect all 6 covers?  Does Captain Planet get summoned?

Posted by PK_Koopa

I used to be subscribed to them...
yyyyyyeaah I was glad when my subscription ended.

Posted by TheAdmin
@Boom_goes_the_dynamite said:
" This review of the review is funny.    My question is what happens when you collect all 6 covers?  Does Captain Planet get summoned? "
Miyamoto comes and gives you a hug. and then you get on your knees. Then he unzips... 
Posted by slyspider

fuck them! ill bet that  Nintendo  threw some large amount of money at them for this!

Posted by buzz_killington

Why would they send this release to you??
Posted by lemon360

Jeff Gerstmann's 1 review matters more than 6 of Nintendo's.

Posted by Eidderf

It's a shame the UK Official Nintendo Magazine became pretty much Nintendo propaganda, it was actually pretty reasonable with it's scores until all the former staff members at one point were suddenly swapped for new guys and began giving every game with a vague relation to Mario top scores.

Posted by MisterMouse

hahah good writing...

Posted by Evilsbane

  "latest Miyamoto masterpiece" 
All credibility (What little was there) instantly gone. I think I might just rent this "masterpiece" now I would hate to encourage shit like this, I mean it is unfair because the game is more than likely going to be really really good but Fuck that. Even MW2 wasn't up its own ass that much and that is fucking saying something. But in less serious news that was a really funny read Jeff!

Posted by Rinkalicous
@dbz1995 said:
" LOOK AT THIS BRUV HE IS ACTING ALL ANTINENTENDO AGAN! 1ST TWILITE PRINCESS NOW DIS...WHAT A WASTEMAN  Anyway, a good point. Game looks awesome, anyway. Wish I could play it. "
I haven't heard the word 'Wasteman' in about 4 years. I just got hit with a bizzare wave of nostalgia. Felt pretty shower.
Posted by PLWolf

Well, my pre-order is in. That's some serious marketing right there. lol

Posted by sopranosfan

I have a hard time taking any MAJOR 1st party game review from the affiliated magazine seriously. 

Posted by billygoat117

Well, it IS a magazine, so maybe 7 of those pages are screenshots? MAYBE? 10 pages is mind-bottling. MY MIND IS IN A BOTTLE.

Posted by DJbruce92

I stopped reading their magazine along time ago. Around the time I lost interest in Nintendo. Don't get me wrong? I still like my wii and ds but I just prefer other consoles.

Posted by Det1

Do you REALLY think many of us here still read the official nintendo magazine?
I mean, we're as much of the target demographic as any, but...still. REALLY? AT THIS POINT?
Also, I take it from this that it's been a slow news week?

Posted by Metal_Mills

10 pages is insane for a review. What the hell could he write about? You'd be able to cover most aspects with 2 or 3, maybe 4 pages. 10? Might as well explain every level at that point, jesus.

Posted by Claude

I think you're reading to much into it. They're just trying to sell some magazines.

Posted by CitizenKane

I'm going to create a magazine with 7 different covers of my review of Giant Bomb, which will be 15 pages long and call it the "latest Internet masterpiece".
Your move, Official Nintendo Magazine.

Posted by Clark
@Tesla said:
" Jeff Gerstmann's review of this review is the only review that matters. "
Posted by Kyle
Clark said:
" Tesla said:
" Jeff Gerstmann's review of this review is the only review that matters. "
Posted by angelfan91

I'm interested to see if Nintendo's Sunday release schedule backfires for once.  Look whats coming out that week.  Red Dead Redemption, Split/Second and Alan Wake are all releasing on the 18th.  Regardless the people who are Mario people will buy it.
Posted by Meowayne
@myslead said:
" possibly one of the first game I'll get on the Wii since it's release lol "
way to brag about your own ignorance lol
Posted by BenderUnit22

Takes them 10 pages to say "Yo, did you like Super Mario Galaxy? Guess what"

Posted by cravins90

I only buy games that get a 12 page review.

Posted by Sweep

Oh snap, there's going to be beef over this.

If you are going to tear apart another publication can it be IGN please? Those guys have been chatting shit for FAR too long. Come on, we can take them. Those guys are a bunch of fucking pussies >:)
Edited by Jimbo

You could extend this article to the entire premise of 'Official X Magazine' reviews and still be right.  Seriously, who is out there buying these and thinking they're getting a legit opinion out of it?  They might as well throw in some testimonials from Mario and Luigi.
At least they saved everybody else the trouble of writing a review for it I suppose.
edit:  Also, they should write the entire review in 'itsaaa meeaaaa Maaaario!' speak, and then sign the review off as Mario.  I'd buy that.

Posted by ArchV1le

I expect the GiantBomb review to go up in at least ten parts with a 3 hour video review and a few podcasts dedicated to it. Also, Thursday Night Throwdown, single player. 

Edited by Yzzerdd
Posted by TheKidNixon
@Claude I think that's exactly what he's reading into it; I think his point is the plain-faced absurdity of trying to build up any sort of momentum for a review, when you've A) already made clear where you stand, B) are pretty much a talking head for your sponsoring company and C) then try to act like you're the voice that people should listen to, as opposed to the countless, more objective positions out there. It is flapping your arms and say "PAY ATTENTION TO ME, NOT EVERYONE ELSE! THEY SUCK!" in a desperate attempt to move paper. 
So yeah, ultimately its a move to sell more magazines, but the pure lack of any and all tact is I think what amused/annoyed Jeff. And I'm always up for game journalist folk calling other game journalist folk out on their bullshit.
Posted by CornontheCobbe

So... i have to buy this game 6 times for all the covers? Fuck that :P
I might look into a purchase, however i have not played the first one so not sure if it'd be for me.