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Posted by DonutFever

A proton and an electron walk into a bar. The feeling was neutral.

Posted by Ghostiet

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an English man walk into a bar and the Scostman says: "What the hell is this, a joke?"

Online
Posted by ninjakiller

Two starving hobos are walking down some railroad tracks when suddenly they both spot a dead dog covered in maggots and flies. The carcass reeks and is bloated as the dog has been dead at least four or five days. One of the hobos dives down and begins mowing into the dog's remains gobbling up strips of rotten flesh as fast as he can. The hobo who is eating pauses and invites his buddy in to join him, but the second politely refuses to do so. The first hobo shrugs and continues to gorge himself. Finally sated the first hobo gets up and rejoins his buddy, "Aren't you going to have any at all?" "Nope" replies the second hobo.

The first hobo shrugs and they both start walking down the railroad tracks again. After about another ten minutes the first hobo gets violently ill and begins to vomit uncontrollably. The second hobo instantly clambers down on all fours and begins to gobble up the first hobo's vomit. "Thanks man! I was soo hungry, but what I really wanted was a hot meal!"

Posted by Fizzy

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road...In the Words of the Star Wars Characters:

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.

LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

R2D2: beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!

WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

BIB: Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!

UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.

AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark

LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!

Posted by PeasantAbuse

Q: What smells like butt?

A: Yo butt

Edited by Fizzy

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words:

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

People have probably seen these already but, I thought they were pretty funny :}

Posted by SirPsychoSexy

Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place.

Because their mom is the cafeteria lady and their dad is the janitor

Posted by Tan

Argon walks into a bar. 
The bartender yells "GET OUT!" 
Argon doesn't react. 
~From my english teacher.

Posted by coakroach

Whats green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels

What did Stevie Wonder say when he was asked if he was angry that he was blind?

Well, at least im not black

Posted by Gamer_152

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "Do you know how to drive this thing?". Thank you and goodnight.

Moderator
Posted by ThePickle

What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite NFL team?

The New York Jets.

What's black and sleeps with my daughter

Nothing, I'm a good father.

I love this thread.

Posted by MooseyMcMan

@Tan said:

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender yells "GET OUT!" Argon doesn't react. ~From my english teacher.

That sounds like a chemistry joke.

Here's one from my math teacher back in high school. "Fires start in the bedrooms of an engineer, a chemist, and a mathematician. The engineer wakes up, calculates how much water is needed to put out the fire, and pours 4 times as much on it. The chemist wakes up, calculates how much water is needed, and pours exactly that amount. The mathematician wakes up, calculates how much water is needed, and goes back to sleep."

Get it? Because mathematicians never do anything?

Moderator
Posted by TheSouthernDandy

Why did the baby cross the road?

Cause he was stapled to the chicken.

Posted by GuyIncognito

>Knock knock

Who's there?

>Joe

Come on in, buddy.

Posted by niamahai

how many Blizzard developers it takes to change a broken light-bulb? 
 
 
 
 
 
None. The light-bulb is working as intended. 

Edited by Zolfe
Posted by themangalist
Posted by NakAttack

Hey baby, did you just fall in a puddle of water

.

.

.

Or are you just happy to see me.

Posted by NakAttack
Posted by Shookems

What's worse than a worm in your apple?

cancer.

Posted by ThatFrood

@spilledmilkfactory said:

This one works a lot better when spoken, not written, but here goes..

I saw a peanut walking down the street today. He was assaulted... peanut.

HAHA! Get it??

Oh man, I die everytime I watch that scene of Monty Python.

Posted by FEnergyLegs

What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don't cum on an apple before I eat it.

Posted by NakAttack
Posted by TheVeteran13

>my grandfather died in a concentration camp during WWII

>Mine too! what happened?

>he was put in the gas chamber. Yours?

>he fell off the guard tower :/

Posted by MiniPato

Some lions and some cheetahs were playing poker. A lion sees a cheetah looking at his cards. The lion yells "cheetah! cheetah!" The cheetah yells "He's lyin'! He's lyin'!"

Posted by Tru3_Blu3

A squad of bad-ass US Vietnam soldiers tread in a pond, NOTHING can phase them.

-until they find a turtle, do they get startled and scream like little girls. Why?

THEY DON'T WANT TO GET SHELLED.

Posted by Mrsignerman44

Whats blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

I know, pretty stupid hahaha

Posted by Gooddoggy

Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between K-Y and carpenter's putty?

All their windows fell out.

Edited by ShaolinSpade

There was once a kid that had a really wealthy and influential father. When the kid graduated from junior high, his father said he could have anything he wanted: money, girls, a new tv, anything. The kid said "well dad I want a ping pong ball." "you sure son?" "Yeah, dad." "ok" and he gave his son a ping pong ball. When the kid graduated from high the father said he could have anything: cars, girls, money, drugs, anything at all. The son said "I want a big semi truck full of ping pongs." "You sure about that son?" "Yep." "ok" and he gave his sun a semi truck full of ping pong balls. When the son graduated from college, his father said that he could have any business he wanted: he could own a resort or a restaurant or a nice hotel. He could do anything he wanted at all. The son said "dad, I want to own a factory that manufactures ping pong balls." "Really? You don't want to own a nice restaurant downtown?" "No dad just a factory that makes ping pong balls." "Ok, son, whatever you want" and he gave him his own factory that manufactured ping pong balls. A few years later the son was in a terrible car accident and was rushed to the hospital. He was on his deathbed when his father came in. "I love you, son" the father said through tears. "I love you too, dad" replied the son. "Just tell me one thing before you pass, son." "Anything dad." "What was with all the ping pong balls all through your life? Why did you always turn down magnificent riches and pleasures for ping pong balls?" The son looked into his fathers tear soak face. "Well, dad, it's simple...."

Posted by Milkman

You're a lame joke.

Posted by Mrsignerman44

@ShaolinSpade said:

There was once a kid that had a really wealthy and influential father. When the kid graduated from junior high, his father said he could have anything he wanted: money, girls, a new tv, anything. The kid said "well dad I want a ping pong ball." "you sure son?" "Yeah, dad." "ok" and he gave his son a ping pong ball. When the kid graduated from high the father said he could have anything: cars, girls, money, drugs, anything at all. The son said "I want a big semi truck full of ping pongs." "You sure about that son?" "Yep." "ok" and he gave his sun a semi truck full of ping pong balls. When the son graduated from college, his father said that he could have any business he wanted: he could own a resort or a restaurant or a nice hotel. He could do anything he wanted at all. The son said "dad, I want to own a factory that manufactures ping pong balls." "Really? You don't want to own a nice restaurant downtown?" "No dad just a factory that makes ping pong balls." "Ok, son, whatever you want" and he gave him his own factory that manufactured ping pong balls. A few years later the son was in a terrible car accident and was rushed to the hospital. He was on his deathbed when his father came in. "I love you, son" the father said through tears. "I love you too, dad" replied the son. "Just tell me one thing before you pass, son." "Anything dad." "What was with all the ping pong balls all through your life? Why did you always turn down magnificent riches and pleasures for ping pong balls?" The son looked into his fathers tear soak face. "Well, dad, it's simple...."

I read the whole thing and was thoroughly disappointed :(

Posted by xaLieNxGrEyx

What does a 9volt battery and a girls asshole have in common? 
 
Sooner or later your tongue is going to touch it.
Posted by the_OFFICIAL_jAPanese_teaBAG

I wish there was a YouTube video compiling the best of Ryan's sighs. 

Posted by Mayu_Zane

What did the shark say to the other shark?

Nothing. Sharks can't talk.

When you add milk to cereal, what do you get?

A great big mess because you forgot the bowl.

Posted by AgnosticJesus

What's the most common pick-up line in a gay bar? Can I push in your stool?

Posted by TheDudeOfGaming

A Croatian and Bosnian walk into a Serbian bar, what does the bartender say?

Get the fuck out!

Posted by Cheesebob

A man walked into a bar.

.

.

.

He died after suffering from brain swelling and internal bleeding resulting from said collision

Posted by CandleJakk
Posted by ZeForgotten
Online
Posted by AhmadMetallic
@coakroach said:

What did Stevie Wonder say when he was asked if he was angry that he was blind?

Well, at least im not black

hahaha xD
Posted by Sayishere

Why did the chicken cross the road?

because it saw YOU!

!

YEA

Posted by CandleJakk
Posted by TheSeductiveMoose

What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?

Crib death

Posted by benpicko

@ShaolinSpade said:

What does a grape and an elephant have in common?

They're both purple except for the elephant.

THAT IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD.

Not even joking.

Posted by Fajita_Jim

Q: What do you have when you have 10,000 Tea Party supporters at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.
 
Q: What do you have when you have a room full of British girls?
A: Almost a full set of teeth.
 
Meh, they both got an eyeroll from me.

Posted by matthias2437

You all got jokes, this thread delivers.

Posted by Jimi

What's the worst part of a car full of black guys driving off a cliff?

-

-

-

They were my friends :(

Posted by McGriddle550

Whats worse than a worm in your apple?

.

.

.

The holocaust.

Posted by Fajita_Jim
@Jimi said:

What's the worst part of a car full of black guys driving off a cliff?

-

-

-

They were my friends :(

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not kicking and screaming like the three other people in his car.
Posted by Freezer_Burn

When's a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

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