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Posted by Gamer_152

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "Do you know how to drive this thing?". Thank you and goodnight.

Posted by coakroach

Whats green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels

What did Stevie Wonder say when he was asked if he was angry that he was blind?

Well, at least im not black

Posted by Tan

Argon walks into a bar. 
The bartender yells "GET OUT!" 
Argon doesn't react. 
~From my english teacher.

Posted by SirPsychoSexy

Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place.

Because their mom is the cafeteria lady and their dad is the janitor

Edited by Fizzy

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words:

The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.

I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?

Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.

Luke... Help me remove these pants.

Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!

Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

Short pants is better than no pants at all.

People have probably seen these already but, I thought they were pretty funny :}

Posted by PeasantAbuse

Q: What smells like butt?

A: Yo butt

Posted by Fizzy

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road...In the Words of the Star Wars Characters:

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.

LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

R2D2: beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!

WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

BIB: Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!

UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You're only concern is to cross that road.

AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark

LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!

Posted by ninjakiller

Two starving hobos are walking down some railroad tracks when suddenly they both spot a dead dog covered in maggots and flies. The carcass reeks and is bloated as the dog has been dead at least four or five days. One of the hobos dives down and begins mowing into the dog's remains gobbling up strips of rotten flesh as fast as he can. The hobo who is eating pauses and invites his buddy in to join him, but the second politely refuses to do so. The first hobo shrugs and continues to gorge himself. Finally sated the first hobo gets up and rejoins his buddy, "Aren't you going to have any at all?" "Nope" replies the second hobo.

The first hobo shrugs and they both start walking down the railroad tracks again. After about another ten minutes the first hobo gets violently ill and begins to vomit uncontrollably. The second hobo instantly clambers down on all fours and begins to gobble up the first hobo's vomit. "Thanks man! I was soo hungry, but what I really wanted was a hot meal!"

Posted by Ghostiet

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an English man walk into a bar and the Scostman says: "What the hell is this, a joke?"

Posted by DonutFever

A proton and an electron walk into a bar. The feeling was neutral.

Posted by EkajArmstro

Two fish are swimming down the river. They run into a wall. One turns to the other and says damn.

Why did the Collossus fall over? Because it is imbalanced.

The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them or not.

Posted by JJOR64

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

Posted by valrog

@ShaolinSpade said:

What does a grape and an elephant have in common?

They're both purple except for the elephant.

Hahahahaha, oh man. Made my day.

Also, here's a good site with awesome jokes. - http://sickipedia.org/

What did the letter O say to Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

Check out the ones about recent events. Hilarious (If you're a bad person).


Edited by left4doof

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ?

A stick

Posted by TheOtherSuperMarioBro

What do you call a Pony's cough?

A little hoarse!!!!

Posted by EuanDewar

What's got four legs and a pig on its back?

A police horse.

Posted by Quipido
Edited by spilledmilkfactory

@imsh_pl: How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of vanilla and one scoop of dead baby

What's black and blue and hates sex?

And now, for the grand finale, possibly the most tasteless joke I've ever heard. What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?

I don't masturbate on the apple before I eat it
Posted by spilledmilkfactory

This one works a lot better when spoken, not written, but here goes..

I saw a peanut walking down the street today. He was assaulted... peanut.

HAHA! Get it??

Posted by imsh_pl
Posted by Ghostiet
Posted by ThePickle

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Posted by lord_canti

i have 2

a kid was walking down the street and finds a magic lamp. he rubs it and a genie pops out, the genie says "i can give you one wish of your choosing" to which the kid reply's "i want to be more like batman". so the genie kills his parents

whats brown and sticky.......anal

Posted by EuanDewar

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new album?

Neither as he.

Posted by thornie_delete

What did the GPS say to the gay driver?

Go straight.

Posted by dudeglove

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


Posted by Still_I_Cry

@Bribo: My favorite one so far.

Posted by BulletproofMonk

Why did an elephant go to a mouse's funeral?

Because the mouse died.

Posted by Astras

@imsh_pl: LOOOOL, love it.

Posted by Bribo

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?


Edited by LetsRockBaby

My watch was claimed by Satan once. You could say I had a hell of a time getting it back.

Posted by Shadowjester

I really liked the movie "the Karate Kid" in fact, I'd say, I got a kick out of it!

Posted by CookieMonster

Dear God...

Posted by Hizang

Do you want to Banjo my Kazooie?

Posted by A_Dog

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with oxymorons. Whatever, she was pretty ugly.

Posted by imsh_pl

Alright, here goes:

What is the difference between a truck of dead babies and a truck of bowling balls?

What is funnier than a dead baby?

 What is the easiest way to place a dead baby in a bowl?

 What is the easiest way to get a dead baby out of a bowl?

 What do you do when you see a dead baby on the seashore?

 We're all going to hell.
Posted by Tally_Pants

what time is it?





time to get a watch!

Posted by SumDeus

@imsh_pl: HandsomeDead already broke the barrier.

Edited by imsh_pl

I have a couple about dead babies but I don't want to be the only horrible person in this thread so I shall only present them if someone requests them.

Posted by thisguyrich

@DrPockets000 said:

Friends are like potatoes.

If you eat them, they die.


Posted by imsh_pl

@S0ndor said:

@imsh_pl said:

@S0ndor said:

@imsh_pl said:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Fuck you.


I'm sorry :(

Here, have a kitten.

Posted by S0ndor

@imsh_pl said:

@S0ndor said:

@imsh_pl said:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Fuck you.


Posted by pwnasaurus

what do you call two crows standing beside each other?

Attempted murder

Posted by imsh_pl

@S0ndor said:

@imsh_pl said:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Fuck you.

Posted by MariachiMacabre

What do you call an Irish guy sitting on your porch?

Patty O'Furniture

Posted by jonano

whats do call a director that needs glasses?

squinting tarantino

Posted by DrPockets000

Friends are like potatoes.

If you eat them, they die.

Posted by S0ndor

@imsh_pl said:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Posted by imsh_pl

Knock knock.

Posted by Astras

What's brown and sticky?




A stick!