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Posted by Video_Game_King

The Binding of Isaac

(Wait, what?) Where the hell did this come from? The last thing I remember was playing Halo Wars, thinking, "Well, this should make for an interesting (or painful) blog", and then this came up. Huh? How did I beat this dungeon crawler in about six hours? I want that time back, damn it...so I can play more of The Binding of Isaac, of course.

Wait, why would I want to play more of this fucked up game? Wait, you don't believe me when I say that this game is fucked up? Just look at the set-up (or the box-art, I guess; either will do): Isaac's just living his life, when God starts speaking to his mom. Apparently, the bearded bastard hates Isaac's guts and wants him to suffer as much as he can. But he's also a lazy bastard, so he gets the kid's mom to do it all for him. Eventually, she decides to kill him, leading us into the game proper. Now this sounds innocent enough, at least compared to other games (locking a naked kid in a room can't compare to drugging a teen girl and selling her into stripping/slavery), but keep in mind that it decorates all this with heavy religious themes. What was once a cute Flash cartoon becomes unnerving and somewhat terrifying. Now keep in mind that this is before you actually start playing the game itself; that's when it decides to step things up a bit. I could go into detail about the final levels or all the religious stuff, but all I need to do is link you to this thread. What the fuck?

Man, even the characters have a "what the fuck" look on their face about this game, and this is the only world they've ever known.

Oh, that reminds me: the random shit is what makes this game awesome. Normally, I'd be against randomly generated games, since they seem like the level designer spent all his work time playing Farmville or some shit, but oddly enough, it works really well here. I think it's because there's just so much shit to find in this game. Remember that thread from earlier? Notice how everybody's Isaaceseses look totally unique? That's actually par for the course. You're gonna end up with a fucked up Isaac in every playthrough, and there's so much shit to find in the game that no two children will be bruised in the exact same manner. (Uhh......) Throw in some unlockable characters (who aren't terribly different from the default Isaac, but whatever) and a ton of different enemies, and you can understand why I'm probably playing this game right now, long after I've beaten it. Of course, it does have its problems. Sometimes, the random generation can randomly screw you over, giving you no good items or barring them off in dickish ways ("Hey, not enough keys? Here are a ton of gold chests you can't open, and no keys to open them."). This also makes certain achievements hard to achieve, since they rely a lot on luck. However, I wouldn't call this game terribly diffi-

You know, it just occurred to me that in those previous three paragraphs, I never bothered explaining just what the hell the game is like. Let's rectify that mistake right now. It's a dual joystick shooter for a platform without joysticks (I know, but trust me, you'll adjust). You wander through dungeons, shooting stuff and no, that's it. But damn if it doesn't get a lot of mileage out of that simple concept. Once you pick up this game (how you'll do that, I've not a clue), you're not gonna put this game down. Trust me, I know; I've spent entire nights saying that I'll put the game down in the next few minutes, only to find myself pumping up the volume because it's hard to hear a game over the heat death of the universe. I'd try to explore why it's so addictive, but I know the exact reason: the fast paced nature. There usually aren't a lot of enemies and stuff on screen at once, so it's easy to clear each room out a minute at a time. Imagine a digital crack fix. The only problem with this approach (besidesallthisshakingwhyamishakingisitcoldinhereseriouslywhyamishakingdoesanybodyhavemorecrack?) is that...well, the game's over too quickly. When I first completed the game, I said to myself, "That's it?" The game responded with "no, that's not it" before adding two levels and saying, "That's it." It really comes out of nowhere and feels like it's over before it even began...but for some reason, I keep going back.

Review Synopsis

  • WHY IS THERE A HEART IN SOMEBODY'S VAGINA!?
  • There's probably more shit in this game than there are words in all of my blogs combined.
  • Granted, it's all stuffed into about five or six hours, but that time will soon balloon into five or six years.

Oh, the many new things I discover in the Fire Emblem community. This time, we have a picture of Sigurd hitting his good friend Eltosian with an apple, presumably because he disapproves of the fact that he's been teleported into the world of I Wanna Be the Guy. Oh, and a pretty bitching remix of the chapter 2 theme.

Hello Kitty World

(Yes, you're reading that right (assuming that the shock of seeing those words hasn't forced you to create more comforting illusions).) Now why the fuck did I decide to play this? Did I decide that I wanted a bit more pedophile in my weeaboo? Of course not. Instead, it was because of its history. Basically, there was once a sequel to Balloon Fight, but at first, Japan didn't get it. (I'm guessing that when an American tried to make fun of them for this, a Japanese guy replied with, "How are you enjoying INSERT ANY GAME HERE! *laughter*".) Then somebody decided to slap some Hello Kitty on it to make it more attractive to Japanese players. When they finally played it, they realized why it didn't come over in the first place: it's not a terribly good game.

Yes, somebody apparently wrote this and thought, "This makes complete and total sense."

Of course, there's a good chance that none of you have played Balloon Kid (that's why this is the closest thing to a sequel the series will ever get...you bastards), so allow me to explain the concept behind it. Alice's brother Jim Hello Kitty's self, Hello Kitty, has been kidnapped for not very clear reasons. Now it is up to Alice Hello Kitty to fly around a clearly (if oddly) laid out world a Super Mario Land 2 where numbers don't exist. I'm sure that you've caught onto it by now: this is a weird-ass port. For example, I'm not lying about the number thing. The stages are actually represented with things that aren't numbers. I have no idea why; there are only eight stages, so it's not like the kids playing this game would be confused by the numbers. However, kids would be confused by that picture. Ignoring the minor swearing part, can somebody tell me if Hello Kitty really does kick ass? Oh, and despite being a port of a Game Boy game, it doesn't look significantly better than a Game Boy game. Turns out the only colors added were the ones the artists could find in the MS Paint toolbar. Other than that, though, Hello Kitty World is pretty much the same as Balloon Kid.

But what's Balloon Kid actually like? In a word: simple. Very, very simple. All eight levels move automatically, and since you spend about 80% of the game on balloons, platforming isn't too much of an issue. So what are you supposed to do? Collect balloons, mostly. They give you point bonuses and a power-up and everything. Of course, the game moves at a fairly slow pace, so it's not too hard to grab them every last one, and grabbing them all nets you a 1-up. Are you catching onto a theme yet? If not, here it is: this game is really easy. There's not a whole lot that can kill you, and that which can kill you only kills you if the game determines that you're too stupid to live. Are the bosses any more of a threat? Not really; all you need to do to beat them is let go of your balloons, bounce on them, grab your balloons from that bounce, and do it twice more. The only exception is the final boss, who requires two more shots than normal. Then...that ending. Other than that, not a whole lot to say about the game. I'ts a mildly fun waste of time you can finish rather quickly, which sort of makes up for the fact that there isn't a lot to it in the first place.

Review Synopsis

  • Does Hello Kitty kick ass?
  • It's pretty much an arcade game on your Game Boy, only on the NES, too.
  • Oh, and it's mad easy.
Posted by ArbitraryWater

That Seisen No Keifu rearrangement is pretty great. Otherwise... sure. Binding of Isaac is alright.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@ArbitraryWater said:

Otherwise... sure. Binding of Isaac is alright.

This is why nobody's commenting on it, right? Because all the responses (mine included) would pretty much be this. *goes off to play Tear Ring Saga, which will hopefully give people things to say*

Posted by MikeGosot

Binding Of Isaac is amazing. And Hello Kitty kicks ass. I mean, she's a Kitty that lives in the Land of Godzilla, Demons, Power Rangers, EVIL Power Rangers, Power Rangers that are not Power Rangers, and twisted TV shows. That kicks ass. Also, the music on her game is quite good.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@MikeGosot:

None of that is true. I looked it up, and she lives in London. The closest she'll come to any danger is watching James Bond almost get a laser hair removal treatment.

Posted by SuperWristBands

I like the idea of getting back the time I played a game so I could play it more. Damn the laws of nature always getting me down.

As for the Binding of Isaac, I bought it a while ago but couldn't get over the shitty implementation of the controls. I set up JoyToKey like it suggests, plug in a 360 controller and I find out it is pretty much useless as it still doesn't have diagonals.

That put it into the endless "pile of shame" I have collected. I'll get to eventually or sooner if they ever make it play like an actual dual stick shooter.

Of course, that isn't to say I didn't like it. I love the art and the set-up. Hell the opening sold me when I saw it on YouTube. I'm guessing we don't get anymore narration throughout the game, though, do we.

(P.s if this has shitty formatting or I double post, blame my cell phone).

Posted by MikeGosot
@Video_Game_King said:

@MikeGosot:

None of that is true. I looked it up, and she lives in London. The closest she'll come to any danger is watching James Bond almost get a laser hair removal treatment.

Maybe she's a Bond Villain. I heard that cats don't like James Bond.
Posted by Video_Game_King

@MikeGosot:

But I don't think she likes fat guys touching her. Gotta keep work and home separate, you know?

@SuperWristBands:

Huh? Diagonals? I don't think I've had a problem with that, at least with moving around and stuff. If you're talking about shooting, however: what the shit? It's a Zelda game, kinda, sorta, maybe, and I don't remember Zelda having diagonals.

No, not much more narration throughout the game. You get some of his nightmares, but they don't contribute to the story too much.

Posted by MikeGosot
@Video_Game_King said:

@MikeGosot:

But I don't think she likes fat guys touching her. Gotta keep work and home separate, you know?

Well, i don't know. Maybe Hello Kitty has a weird fetish.
Posted by Video_Game_King

@MikeGosot:

You're implying that there are normal fetishes? Which ones?

Posted by MikeGosot
@Video_Game_King said:

@MikeGosot:

You're implying that there are normal fetishes? Which ones?

Big breasts. I mean, that's what they said to me FOR YEARS: "Well, you like small breasts!? THAT'S NOT NORMAL. You need to like big breasts, dude, like real normal men. Don't be a pussy." 
 ...Sigh.
Posted by Video_Game_King

@MikeGosot:

That's still pretty weird. After all, it's not like a girl's boobs play any major role during sex. Then again, I'm not familiar with humans, so they may secrete lubrication or something. Do human breasts secrete lubrication?

Posted by SuperWristBands
@Video_Game_King

Doesn't really matter to me if an old game has antiquated control schemes. However it does bother me if a game released now has simple controls for no real reason.

I also have less interest in a game if it has some sort of story and lacks voice acting.

The things I like about video games, that when I am forced to give them up I lose some interest, maybe all of it.
Posted by MikeGosot
@Video_Game_King said:

@MikeGosot:

That's still pretty weird. After all, it's not like a girl's boobs play any major role during sex. Then again, I'm not familiar with humans, so they may secrete lubrication or something. Do human breasts secrete lubrication?

That's a question for 4chan. 
Also, kissing could be a normal fetish.
Posted by Video_Game_King

@SuperWristBands:

Probably should have mentioned that you don't really need diagonals in The Binding of Isaac. I imagine they'd make some areas more convenient, but compass directions are enough.

It has voice acting. Granted, not a lot (as there's not a lot of story), but it's in there.

@MikeGosot:

Kissing is a fetish?

Edited by MikeGosot
@Video_Game_King said:  .

@MikeGosot:

Kissing is a fetish?

I don't know. I heard it was, but a fetish is something not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature, so that was why i added that "could" in there. 
 But if  a fetish is not something conventional, a normal fetish would be the conventional among  the unconventional? 
 
EDIT: Also, maybe it depends on what you're kissing. I dunno, man. I'm not a fetishiologist.
Posted by TMThomsen

Binding of Isaac is an amazing game all the way through. That being said; I think my favorite element is the soundtrack. Love it!

Posted by Video_Game_King

@TMThomsen:

I'd say my favorite element is my inability to put it down. Once you get started, it's hard to get anything else done.

Posted by laserbolts

I still need to play binding of Isaac but I'm afraid of how much I will play it. I know I will have to unlock everything. Maybe after saints row the third which is really surprising me because I am actually liking a saints row game.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@laserbolts:

Yea, it's probably gonna eat up a lot of your time, even though you could probably finish the game in half an hour (assuming you don't die, of course).