Spoiler warning for the end of FFX! Spoiler warning for the end of FFX! Proceed at your own risk!
For the last few days I’ve had Final Fantasy X and Ryan Davis on the brain. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Ryan’s passing and I have been working on a long essay on FFX, so the two topics have been ping-ponging around in my head. The scene from FFX that keeps coming back to me is the very end of the game, after defeating Yu Yevon; the scene in which Tidus fades away. In that closing moment of FFX, Tidus is both present and not present. He seems to be visibly untouched, talking to Yuna and the other party members. He looks so healthy. He sounds so normal. Yuna refuses to believe that he is dying: he is still right in front of her. Yet, when Yuna reaches out to touch him she passes right through. He is irrefutably gone.
In the current age of the internet no one is ever truly gone. Once upon a time, authors and poets spent lifetimes to create a single work worthy of publication and hopefully immortalization. Leaving a mark on the world was neigh impossible. Until about 10 years ago, when it became neigh impossible to truly die. Nothing on the internet ever truly gets deleted, and at this point almost every internet user has produced more indestructible personal data than Shakespeare. When Ryan passed away over a year ago he left behind a legion of fans and friends, but he also left behind days of videos and podcasts. He left behind books of reviews. He left behind several personal diaries worth of tweets and forum posts. If anyone wants to see what a vibrant person Ryan was they can simply tap into the eternal present that is the internet. Ryan will always be hosting a podcast or a Quick Look there. He will always be wearing his poncho, his crappy blonde hair, and his handlebar mustache. Until something happens to the endless server racks out there in Kansas, some of Ryan’s camera-captured magic will exist and he will still be present, yet not present. In working for a website, Ryan left behind a functional legacy that will preserve much of what made him such a beloved person and that legacy is always available. There is no fight to hold him in our memory because as far as the internet is concerned he never left. In FFX terms Ryan is a lot like the people on the Farplane. Everyone who passes away in FFX ends up on the Farplane where their images can be infinitely called back by loved ones. The image is crystal clear and perfect, yet is just that: an image, nothing more.
In FFX, once Yuna understands that TIdus is fading away, he attempts to hug her. You can see that the two of them are clipping through each other, not making physical contact. Yet, in this moment of touch-less embrace the emotional connection between the two shines through stronger than ever. In being “held” by Tidus as she slips through his arms, Yuna shows the desperate, grasping love that every survivor feels after a loved one passes away. You try desperately to hold on to that loved one, at first physically, then in memory. But, ultimately you fail one way or another, the person passes and memories fade. In the end, Tidus ultimately fades away permanently. However, in the modern day, digital memory never fades. People never go away completely. The reams of data they leave behind is always out there. There is always a part of them out there to reconnect with, but sadly never enough. There is always a ghostly silhouette left behind on the internet when a person dies nowadays, lingering. Present yet not present. I really don’t know if it is better to have this permanent record of a person’s day to day work available for all to see. I don’t know if it is better to simply hold someone’s memory in our hearts and cling to that memory desperately, knowing that the memory will fade. I do know, however, that the symbol of Yuna slipping through Tidus’s clinging arms is more powerful than his ghostly form floating in the Farplane forever.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. I also want to add a little less academic memorial to remember Ryan by. I remember last year hearing about Ryan passing away and i didn't know what to do. I sat up in bed all night knowing that someone who I had spent almost a decade listening to and watching on various shows and podcasts had gone away. I knew that the sense of loss and astonishment I felt couldn't compare to what the guys on the GB staff were going through. He had been a person I thought of as a friend, but the people at the site were the ones he called friend. All I could do was be astonished and grieve and hope that the writers and producers whose worlds were rocked found a way to persevere.
I learned from Ryan how to lead a discussion without dominating it. I learned that the funniest person in the room does not have to tell the most jokes. I learned that if you enjoy life enough, people will follow. He would likely never have known he was teaching me, but he was.
Following his passing I redoubled my efforts to pursue game writing and game studies. His passing was a flash point for me. I remembered my own mortality and I remembered that writing about games is one of the things that most brings me joy. I remembered that although my pursuit may seem inconsequential to others, if you enjoy life enough, people will follow.
I did not know Ryan well enough to speak about who he was with the depth of admiration he deserves. However, I can say that he helped form who I am and what I'm doing. I can say that I was one of many kids who grew up following that man and I am a better person for it.
Log in to comment