Call of Duty: Black Ops
(I need manly games!)NNGGGHHHH!!!!.....Perhaps I should explain. Last week, I covered two exceedingly girly games, so to balance it out, I've decided to jump into the realm of meat and testosterone. So what does that entail? Blacks Ops? Oh fuck, you guys. Just....fuck. I'm not ready to revisit Neon Genesis Evangelion. I need more time between games that focus more on spectacle than the actual game.
Wait, what am I saying? These games are completely different; Neon Genesis Evangelion is a dumb anime, and Black Ops is a dumb action movie. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that; previous Call of Duty games rock that feel well (or at least they rock that feel), and to be fair, Black Ops hits some cool moments, too. In a world where everything is one bullet away from an explosion, Alex Mason jumps all across the world, being an all around warrior badass in Cuba, Russia, Vietnam, and other 1960s places. Sometimes, deep voices shout at him about numbers, but who gives a shit about that? You're here for the goddamn action. All the bitchin' shootouts and adrenaline and fucking 'murica, man! If you're into explosions masquerading as a story, you'll just eat this shit up.
Of course, I'm not too hot on dumb action movies, so the only reason I ate this up was so I could vomit all over it. That's the level of intelligence this game leaves you with. Why? Well, first of all, I already told you: I'm not into dumb action movies. Pay attention. Anyway, this game can be really stupid when it wants to be. Slow motion for no reason, prisoners shouting an oddly specific chat during their break, villains who think that gassing puppies is morally subtle, etc. True, these are balanced out by some legitimately cool moments, like when you finally break free of those voices and weirdness ensues or the level(s(ish)) immediately before it, but it just isn't enough. Second, it can be just plain psychotic in areas for no real reason. Now I'm not going to say we should stop shooting people in these games; I'm just saying that they should remain generic, nondescript baddies instead of actual people. There are some moments where you can literally see the pain and fear in a person's face as you stab them mercilessly. Hell, one of the levels has you walking up behind a guy and slitting this throat. What was he doing to deserve this? Eating rice. That's it. He's not gonna shoot you or stab you or warn his sleeping buddies (although that last one's because you slit their throats two seconds earlier); he's just enjoying a nice meal. That's not fun; that's fucking mentally imbalanced.
Third, because it interferes with the game. How, exactly? Well, the levels are all straight lines with occasional bouts of shooting. See an alternate path? Fuck you for deviating from our vision; now get back on that trail and enjoying the 'murica. Although to be fair, that's not exactly the worst part of the game. I can deal with linear levels as long as there's enough shooting. Hell, that's why I hated that My Little Pony game so damn much. Unfortunately, this is where Black Ops tends to stumble a bit: it's more concerned with the action than...well, the action. Only, like, 40% of the game is actually shooting guys; the rest is just shitty action movie fluff and story for its own sake. Perfect example: there's a vehicle section pretty early on, and while most of the vehicle sections are actually fun to play through, this one isn't in the slightest. I imagine some of that is because you're not playing through it. You have no control over it at all. Sure, the game will prompt you to press the triggers a couple of times, but I suspect that's just to check if you're still playing this thing. Yes, driving through the streets of Cuba sounds like fun, but I imagine it would be much more enjoyable if I was actually doing it. Just....fuck.
Sad, too, because for the most part, the underlying mechanics for Black Ops are actually pretty solid. For example, your default guns are always good enough, so there's no real reason to switch out weapons ever....Wait, that's the opposite of solid. What I meant to say is that the action in this game is really well pulled off. Whenever you do get into a firefight, expect it to be a confusing clusterfuck where you have no idea what's going on. That might sound negative, but keep in mind that those words also perfectly describe an orgy, and would you turn down an orgy?...Exactly. In fact, the only difference between this and an orgy is the amount of death present. (First person to correct me gets arrested.) Yes, you're going to die quite a bit, and a lot of it is because you can't tell what's going on, but I'm not bitter about that. Instead, I'm bitter that the rest of the game wasn't like this. Why would you end on something that awesome?.....Uh.....There's still the next part, you guys....
- Great action movie.
- Not so great game.
- Just play it for the multiplayer.
What's manlier than a dragon bear?......Seriously, I'm asking you: what's manlier than a dragon bear?
(C'mon.) You knew there was only one option for this. Can you name a game manlier than a Cho Aniki game? Stroker doesn't count, because that game only has one rock hard cock. However, as I've previously exhausted the series, I had no choice but to go back to the beginning, when things were less gay and more generally insane. But also still super gay.
I'd say that this much is evident from the scenario, but who am I fooling: gay craziness (hereby referred to as "gayziness") is this game's scenario. It all begins when the gods break two angry musclemen out of prison. (Also, I guess a woman, but you'll never play as her; the sexual delight will be too much for either of you to handle.) Then....uh...happens. I can't really describe anything in this game. How would you describe this? I'd like to call the whole thing a gross violation of the barriers between man and machine, but that sounds like the game is trying to make a point. It isn't. Not everything can be a boner joke, you guys. Sometimes, you just gotta have fun in the confusion. The music certainly knows that. It knows that better than anybody else. Hell, I just heard it say "sexy dynamite" just because. Do you know of any better ways to describe Cho Aniki? This music is what happens when you throw nine different kinds of drugs into a bowl and jam your face into the mess, personal health be damned.
However, strip away the scenario, and you're left with nothing but a none-too-glamorous shooter. First off, you only get one set of power-ups throughout the entire game. Sure, that picture from before alludes to options, but from what I can tell, they don't really do anything. So you're left with one set of power-ups: a scattershot weapon that makes the game harder until your shots become the size of basketballs. Then nothing can stand in the way of your love! Not even the bosses! Just park your well toned ass in a random spot and release to your heart's content! Wait, that's nto exciting. Why am I using so many exclamation marks? That shit sounds boring! And it's not like there's much to the game outside those complaints; the levels have a tendency of sticking to one idea and driving it into the ground, and it's not a terribly long or meaty game. Actually, now that I think about it, that's all this game has: the meat. You know what? Step away from this computer, take a bunch of freaky drugs, and visit your local gym. I guarantee you it will be the exact same experience as Cho Aniki.
- It's Cho Aniki. Do I have to tell you that it's specifically made to offend vegans?
- I do, however, have to tell you that underneath all that meat, there's a sorely lacking shooter.