Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to End Boss Month. The month-long celebration of those final, powerful jerks that stand between you and a “Congraturation!” screen. The biggest and the baddest of the bad…and the not so much. Before I begin, you’ll notice that the title of this blog references the game the boss appears in, rather than the boss specifically. This is intentional, as I want to give fair warning to those concerned about spoilers regarding the bosses I’m here to talk about. Anyway, sit back, relax, and let me take you on a journey of reflection as we study the sources of our recent anguish, aghast amazement, and childhood traumas.
So, Kefka. If you know anything about Final Fantasy, you’ve probably heard of this clown. No, seriously. He runs around in clown make-up for the duration of the game while cackling maniacally about the various war crimes he commits, of which there is a litany. Where do I even start? Setting Figaro Castle on fire? Poisoning the water supply of Doma Castle (with his own troops inside, no less)? His ridiculous fashion sense?
Sure, these are all terrible crimes that would get the average war criminal stern looks and life’s ban hammer at the Hague. But Kefka takes his scheming up to eleven. He betrays his also-pretty-vile emperor and pushes three delicately placed statues completely out of alignment, throwing the entire world out of balance.
OK, so? That’s the point where our intrepid band of heroes beat the tar out of him and restore everything to normal, right?
Unlike most of the villains we’ll be seeing this month, Kefka wins. Oh, he wins, all right. Not only does he pull this stunt halfway through the game, in the process, he gains PHENOMENAL. ESPER. POWER. And then constructs a giant tower out of random shit from which he can scorch any town on the map with a ray of light. And the heroes are scattered to the four winds for an entire year. By the time the team gets back together, the world has been unquestionably boned by a psychotic, nihilistic clown.
Why did he do all of this, you ask? I just told you; he’s a nihilist, and he follows that creed with a scorched-earth-and-everything-else policy.
And when you finally have that showdown with him at the end of the game? He’s transformed himself into what looks like an angel. No, not the one-winged kind, you Sephiroth fanatics. Kefka fancies himself a god, and he hits like one, too. On the other hand, Final Fantasy VI has an incredibly easy to abuse magic system, and so when it came time to finally face him atop the twisted, perverted remains of the goddess statues (the bosses before the final boss), I just used Ultima over and over and over until he died. He really wasn’t that difficult, all things considered.
But man, Kefka is a colossal dick. I would call him the king of dicks, but Mara would probably have a problem with that. Oh, and after you kill him? The world’s still in a rather boned state, with the added bonus of no more magic for anyone.
Oh, happy day. Kefka may be dead, but he still managed to wreck the natural order of the world. I tell you, never trust a clown. If they’re not spraying Joker Toxin in your face or threatening to eat you in your sleep, they’re committing casual genocide for shits and giggles.
(Shits not pictured.)