Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to End Boss Month. The month-long celebration of those final, powerful jerks that stand between you and a “Congraturation!” screen. The biggest and the baddest of the bad…and the not so much. Before I begin, you’ll notice that the title of this blog references the game the boss appears in, rather than the boss specifically. This is intentional, as I want to give fair warning to those concerned about spoilers regarding the bosses I’m here to talk about. Anyway, sit back, relax, and let me take you on a journey of reflection as we study the sources of our recent anguish, aghast amazement, and childhood traumas.

So, Kefka. If you know anything about Final Fantasy, you’ve probably heard of this clown. No, seriously. He runs around in clown make-up for the duration of the game while cackling maniacally about the various war crimes he commits, of which there is a litany. Where do I even start? Setting Figaro Castle on fire? Poisoning the water supply of Doma Castle (with his own troops inside, no less)? His ridiculous fashion sense?

I mean, really.

Sure, these are all terrible crimes that would get the average war criminal stern looks and life’s ban hammer at the Hague. But Kefka takes his scheming up to eleven. He betrays his also-pretty-vile emperor and pushes three delicately placed statues completely out of alignment, throwing the entire world out of balance.

OK, so? That’s the point where our intrepid band of heroes beat the tar out of him and restore everything to normal, right?

Nope.

Unlike most of the villains we’ll be seeing this month, Kefka wins. Oh, he wins, all right. Not only does he pull this stunt halfway through the game, in the process, he gains PHENOMENAL. ESPER. POWER. And then constructs a giant tower out of random shit from which he can scorch any town on the map with a ray of light. And the heroes are scattered to the four winds for an entire year. By the time the team gets back together, the world has been unquestionably boned by a psychotic, nihilistic clown.

Why did he do all of this, you ask? I just told you; he’s a nihilist, and he follows that creed with a scorched-earth-and-everything-else policy.

And when you finally have that showdown with him at the end of the game? He’s transformed himself into what looks like an angel. No, not the one-winged kind, you Sephiroth fanatics. Kefka fancies himself a god, and he hits like one, too. On the other hand, Final Fantasy VI has an incredibly easy to abuse magic system, and so when it came time to finally face him atop the twisted, perverted remains of the goddess statues (the bosses before the final boss), I just used Ultima over and over and over until he died. He really wasn’t that difficult, all things considered.

But man, Kefka is a colossal dick. I would call him the king of dicks, but Mara would probably have a problem with that. Oh, and after you kill him? The world’s still in a rather boned state, with the added bonus of no more magic for anyone.

Oh, happy day. Kefka may be dead, but he still managed to wreck the natural order of the world. I tell you, never trust a clown. If they’re not spraying Joker Toxin in your face or threatening to eat you in your sleep, they’re committing casual genocide for shits and giggles.

(Shits not pictured.)

#1 Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to End Boss Month. The month-long celebration of those final, powerful jerks that stand between you and a “Congraturation!” screen. The biggest and the baddest of the bad…and the not so much. Before I begin, you’ll notice that the title of this blog references the game the boss appears in, rather than the boss specifically. This is intentional, as I want to give fair warning to those concerned about spoilers regarding the bosses I’m here to talk about. Anyway, sit back, relax, and let me take you on a journey of reflection as we study the sources of our recent anguish, aghast amazement, and childhood traumas.

So, Kefka. If you know anything about Final Fantasy, you’ve probably heard of this clown. No, seriously. He runs around in clown make-up for the duration of the game while cackling maniacally about the various war crimes he commits, of which there is a litany. Where do I even start? Setting Figaro Castle on fire? Poisoning the water supply of Doma Castle (with his own troops inside, no less)? His ridiculous fashion sense?

I mean, really.

Sure, these are all terrible crimes that would get the average war criminal stern looks and life’s ban hammer at the Hague. But Kefka takes his scheming up to eleven. He betrays his also-pretty-vile emperor and pushes three delicately placed statues completely out of alignment, throwing the entire world out of balance.

OK, so? That’s the point where our intrepid band of heroes beat the tar out of him and restore everything to normal, right?

Nope.

Unlike most of the villains we’ll be seeing this month, Kefka wins. Oh, he wins, all right. Not only does he pull this stunt halfway through the game, in the process, he gains PHENOMENAL. ESPER. POWER. And then constructs a giant tower out of random shit from which he can scorch any town on the map with a ray of light. And the heroes are scattered to the four winds for an entire year. By the time the team gets back together, the world has been unquestionably boned by a psychotic, nihilistic clown.

Why did he do all of this, you ask? I just told you; he’s a nihilist, and he follows that creed with a scorched-earth-and-everything-else policy.

And when you finally have that showdown with him at the end of the game? He’s transformed himself into what looks like an angel. No, not the one-winged kind, you Sephiroth fanatics. Kefka fancies himself a god, and he hits like one, too. On the other hand, Final Fantasy VI has an incredibly easy to abuse magic system, and so when it came time to finally face him atop the twisted, perverted remains of the goddess statues (the bosses before the final boss), I just used Ultima over and over and over until he died. He really wasn’t that difficult, all things considered.

But man, Kefka is a colossal dick. I would call him the king of dicks, but Mara would probably have a problem with that. Oh, and after you kill him? The world’s still in a rather boned state, with the added bonus of no more magic for anyone.

Oh, happy day. Kefka may be dead, but he still managed to wreck the natural order of the world. I tell you, never trust a clown. If they’re not spraying Joker Toxin in your face or threatening to eat you in your sleep, they’re committing casual genocide for shits and giggles.

(Shits not pictured.)

#2 Posted by Mento (2438 posts) -

A monthly feature ends, another begins. Good luck with this.

If you ever get burned out and want a boss that you could only possibly write a few lines about, might I suggest Necron?

Moderator
#3 Posted by believer258 (11629 posts) -

Prepare for a lot of suggestions coming your way.

I say Mother Brain in Super Metroid, and of course you must mention Sigma, of Mega Man X, at some point as well. That is, unless you were planning on doing all JRPG bosses? In which case Lavos should probably be somewhere.

#4 Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

@believer258 said:

Prepare for a lot of suggestions coming your way.

I say Mother Brain in Super Metroid, and of course you must mention Sigma, of Mega Man X, at some point as well. That is, unless you were planning on doing all JRPG bosses? In which case Lavos should probably be somewhere.

Oh, I already have a mostly solidified list of candidates to highlight, so most suggestions will probably not be taken into consideration. However, I can safely say that a good number of the bosses featured will not be from JRPGs.

@Mento said:

A monthly feature ends, another begins. Good luck with this.

If you ever get burned out and want a boss that you could only possibly write a few lines about, might I suggest Necron?

Man, I hope I don't get burned out. I intended to start a backlog of posts last month, but unfortunately, life got in the way. On the other hand, if I need any short bus boss candidates on short notice...

#5 Posted by G_Locke (11 posts) -

Kefka is one of the best villains I've ever encountered in a game

He's one of the reasons FFVI is the best FF

#6 Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

@G_Locke said:

Kefka is one of the best villains I've ever encountered in a game

He's one of the reasons FFVI is the best FF

I agree on both counts. Final Fantasy VI is my favorite game in the series, and Kefka is one of the primary reasons why.

#7 Posted by joshthebear (2700 posts) -

YES. FF VI is my favorite of them and it's not even close. Kefka is the most ridiculous and entertaining villain in the series. He has zero morals and pretty muc betrays anyone that is an ally.

And that laugh; the true mark of a madman who couldn't give a fuck about anybody but himself.

#8 Posted by PixelPrinny (1030 posts) -

Kefka is the best for all reasons listed and shall probably remain the reigning champion for a long time to come. *nods matter-of-factly*

#9 Posted by HotSauceMagik (264 posts) -

Man, you how are you going to top Kefka? As if all the dickish things weren't enough, that fucking laugh haunted my dreams for so long as a kid. And probably will tonight as well.

#10 Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

@PixelPrinny said:

Kefka is the best for all reasons listed and shall probably remain the reigning champion for a long time to come. *nods matter-of-factly*

Dude is a hard guy to beat when it comes to pure villainy.

@HotSauceMagik said:

Man, you how are you going to top Kefka? As if all the dickish things weren't enough, that fucking laugh haunted my dreams for so long as a kid. And probably will tonight as well.

I'm not even going to try to top him, because frankly, that would be a fruitless endeavor. What I can do though is talk about twenty-nine other bosses that I think are worth talking about.

#11 Posted by OppressiveStink (355 posts) -
@Hailinel
Lucca Blight has him beat, but just barely.
#12 Edited by Penelope (225 posts) -

Like your article. But what are you considering for future bosses?

Hitler?

Nah, too obvious.

ROBO-HITLER.

Thank's Wolfenstein 3D.

#13 Posted by Hailinel (23868 posts) -

@Penelope: You'll just have to keep reading to find out!