Half-Life 2: Episode One
( FUUUUUUCK.) There's absolutely no way this can end well. Every time I cover an FPS beginning with "Hal", it never ends well. Half of the comments are going to be people telling me that I played the game the wrong way, while the other half will just shake their heads in shame when they look at the screenshots I took (OK, I can't blame the second half for what they do). Or maybe people have caught on and just refuse to acknowledge me whatsoever. And the worst part? I actually like this game. It's pretty much Half-Life 2, but more of it. Do you see what you have done, dear readers? You have made me dread a game I actually enjoyed. GAZE UPON YOUR CRIMES AGAINST YOUR GLORIOUS KING!Also, gaze upon my crimes against Half-Life. Preferably through a mirror, since it's pretty damn likely that direct contact will turn you to stone. I first noticed this after the Vortigaunt kept the G-Man from interacting with the plot in any major way. That's when Alyx gave me a big hug, pulled back, and aged approximately ten years. Things only got worse from there. Lighting ranged from good to "here are some black paint swatches", and speaking of lighting, turning on the flashlight was a surefire way to make the game chug like a motherfucker. But even without the flashlight, the first half of the game was this if you want humor, and this if you want realism (texture/model detail included). Before you yell at me and have me burned at the stake as a witch, though, let it be made perfectly clear that I am under no illusions. I'm fully aware that all of this is due to my computer. If I owned something that could actually render a polygon without crashing, I'm pretty sure this game would look much better. Hell, the Core causing my computer to freak out is evidence enough that my computer can't handle such high levels of awesome. I'd have trolled the hell out of you with a video (how else could I get the frame rate into the decimals?), but not knowing the kindling point of an Amiga 1000, I didn't want to take any risks. You'll just have to wait until I get a marginally less crap computer to see my mean-spirited YouTube fuckery.
Oh, and speaking of the Gravity Gun, that was pretty much the only weapon I used throughout the entire game. Why? Because of this achievement. You'd think that this would prevent me from commenting on the weapons in this game, but it doesn't, because I already did. They're all exactly the same weapons, so I imagine they're all just as cool as before, even if you're stuck with the Gravity Gun for a good chunk of the game. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing; after all, this is the Gravity Gun on roid rage from the end of Half-Life 2, so you get to spend all that time flinging dudes at other dudes. There's a gay joke in there, but I think I already made it. Unfortunately, for just as much time spent on crafting elaborately gay scenarios in the first one or two chapters, you spend just as much time solving puzzles. Crap. I'd yell at Valve for not giving me enough time with the weapons, but again, I only fired one bullet. Because the achievements told me to. Oh, speaking of which: the achievements, like before, are pretty cool. There are some "we don't want to admit that these are lazy story-based" achievements, some "you need skill for this" achievements, quirky ones I already mentioned, and possibly another one. I told you before: it's a short game. In fact, that's pretty much Episode One: Half-Life 2 for people who don't have time for Half-Life 2. If you would like to read more, go click on the words "I already did", because not only do I enjoy thematic consistency, but I love fucking with you. Now excuse me while I reinstall this game and fire up Unregistered Hypercam 2.
Review Synopsis
- Just to be clear, here's what Episode One looks like when I play it.
- Imagine Half-Life 2, but at a third the length. Do I really need a third bullet?
- Probably not.
Can somebody explain why Cheetahmen is so popular in Japan? How could this game get so much popularity in Japan? AND WHY IS THERE A THUNDERCATS ANIME!?
Parasite Eve
( Well, that was certainly an...interesting...game.) Yea, let's go with that. Interesting. I know that I play a ton of weird games, but never before have one of those games left me with so many questions. Why is this game so obsessed with dude nectar? Why is the second disc so damn short? Where did Aya's jacket go at the end of the game? Who the hell looked at Resident Evil 2 and thought it needed more Active Time Battle? And why do I like it so damn much?I might as well try to answer those questions, and I might as well start with the dude glue, by which I mean the story. After what seems to be a rap song that couldn't get past finding out what vaguely rhymes, the game begins with the oddly realistic (aside from her vacant anime expression in all the FMVs) Aya Brea treating herself to an early Christmas present with an opera. Predictably, it ends the moment that everybody attending bursts into flames; unpredictably, Satan Claus has nothing to do with it. (Someday, I'll tell you where he was at the time.) Now Aya must figure out what the hell is going on. Sadly, it involves science. Lots and lots of science. Oddly sound science, too. You wo...OK, you will find some sci-fi bullshit in this game, and I'm getting to that, but the point I'm trying to make is that it knows an oddly high amount of things about biology. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Syracuse University just hands this game out in Biology 101 classes. Of course, they have to cut a bit out, because there's some ridiculous shit in this game. Here's the thing: the steps leading up to what it's talking about are true, but that doesn't make the subject matter any less insane. For example, it's true that mitochondria generate a lot of energy, but it's hard to believe that they can turn that energy directly into lighting themselves on fire. (Sorry for spoiling something that gets mentioned within the first hour or so.) It only gets worse near the end of the game, where it's revealed that the villain became villainous because she essentially gave herself AIDS, and goes through about nine months worth of pregnancy in about twelve hours. Also, sperm. Enough sperm to impregnate every woman on Earth.
Speaking of Resident Evil, Parasite Eve is what happens when Final Fantasy VIII breaks into Resident Evil's room and swipes its zombie-virus-laden sperm. For example, you have the pre-rendered environments of Resident Evil, but the "CGI every ten minutes" of Final Fantasy (it gets especially ridiculous when combined with the weird "no dialogue in CGI" rule); you get Final Fantasy focus on story, but Resident Evil stupid one-liners (Aya justifying murder); there's Final Fantasy inventory management, but Resident Evil inventory limits. (Also, a side character whose only purpose is to clutter your inventory with useless shit.) Fortunately, unlike Resident Evil, you can upgrade it with a point system. You can also spend those points on Active Time Battle (more on that in a bit), your gun, your armor, your club, your other gun...there's a ton of customization in this game. The types of things you can do to guns in this game would make the Mythbusters blush. Before I figured out that grenade launchers were the way to go, I managed to cobble together an automatic tranquilizer rifle with the spread of a shotgun. I wanted to outfit it with some heat-seeking capabilities, but I ran out of tools and I wasn't willing to grind for any.
In fact, that's a very good way to describe Parasite Eve, kinda: lacking. First, something I should have brought up two paragraphs ago: the graphics. Before I insult them, let me say that I am in no way insulting them. The models are pretty detailed, there's some decent animation, and did I mention that I'm only talking about the in-game graphics? As for the CGI you see every two minutes, just double what I said about the in-game graphics, only subtract the part where battles don't get cast off into a special battle dimension, Final Fantasy style. That's how good Parasite Eve looks. So what the hell is lacking? Well, the backgrounds don't do much (it's a sad day when Final Fantasy VII trumps you graphically), and there are a few moments where Square really should have taken the time to model something. Like here. I know it's a minor point, but it still annoys me a bit. But that's not the biggest problem. Not even close. The biggest problem? Probably that "justifying murder" link from earlier. Blah blah blah, some other stuff, game length. I'll just come out and say it: it's only about 6-8 hours long. Each day is about an hour long, give or take, and there isn't a lot of side content to speak of. Just the Chrysler Building Mega Death Dungeon, some other area, and that's about it. Also, it's a pretty easy game, but I shouldn't have to tell you that (did you forget about the customization paragraph?). Eh, I guess it's just the 1998 version of Portal: a really short hybrid with a lot of cool, memorable stuff. Now that I think about it, that's also the perfect way to describe that fetus thing I mentioned earlier.
Review Synopsis
- Mitochondria and sperm and all this other crazy shit! AAAHHH!!!!!
- For those of you who think that Parasite Eve is just Resident Evil mashed together with Final Fantasy: that's exactly what it is.
- I'm pretty sure that I spent more time with Resident Evil 2 than I did with this game.
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