I just read this on sarcastic gamer and found is quite funny, and weird, and insane, and alot of other things. Anyway, its worth the read:
Here at Sarcastic Gamer, we tend not to deal with things of a sexual nature. Mainly because we’re a video game website, and not a porn website, but also because we don’t like to deal with filth or dirtiness. Yet sometimes the world of enlarged body parts and biological reproduction collides horribly with the world of video games and so, in our infinite quest to cover crap to do with gaming, we must don our journalistic hats of integrity and take a thoughtful stance on this serious matter.
So let me paint a picture for you (though not literally because the cost of the paint and postage far outweigh the part of me which wants to create wonderful piece of art):
You are walking down the street one day, when suddenly a crazed barber, carrying a knife, jumps off a tall building and lands in front of you. He threatens you saying “take this copy of Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock or I’ll knife ya”. Pleased to receive a free game and keen to avoid an untimely death, you jovially accept the offer.
While the crazed barber walks away muttering curses under his breath, you turn in the opposite direction and stride proudly home, Guitar Hero’s reassuring boxiness under your arm.
Upon arriving at your house, you pull a rusted metal key out your coat pocket and unlock the front door which creeks eerily as it shudders open.
“PREARE TO DIE!”. You fallback in fright, looking in every direction for the source of the voice. Why is this happening? What have I done? Thoughts rush through your subconscious as a jolly looking old woman comes down the stairs carrying a bowl of soup. “Grandma, why did you just threaten to kill me?” you ask politely, fearing that your Grandma has gone senile.
“Oh, sonny Jim, you didn’t let me finish by sentence”, the wrinkled old grandmother replied, chuckling lightly, “I was about to say “prepare to dye your clothes, they’re looking a little bit faded. I got some lovely blue dye from the market”.
You sigh in relief. “That’s great Grandma, can we do it later though? I just got a new game that I want to play”.
“Oh you and your video-watchamacallits. Sure kid, we’ll all die very soon”
“What?” You ask, astounded.
“I said we’ll all dye very soon, I thought we could get your Grandfather involved as well”
“Oh, that’s ok then”, you say relieved once more.
As you slowly climb the creaky old wooden staircase to your room, pondering the sanity of your Grandma, you pass a yellowing skeleton in a display case, and many other creepy things, like a rat nailed to the wall, and a hand poking out a letterbox.
You arrive at your room and push open the door. The window is open and your curtains are billowing, a rocking chair rocks slowly in the centre of the room. As you step forward to close the window, a clock strikes midnight. Wow, it must have taken me a long time to get home, you consider as you close the window.
You unpackage the Guitar Hero box, and to your surprise, everything looks brand new, except for a strange gold ring in the corner of the box. Eager to ROCK, you sit on your rocking chair, and read a dusty old book for an hour or so. Eventually you grow tired of the book and plug in Guitar Hero.
After navigating the menus and playing the tutorials, you jump into your first song on easy: ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’. As the first note descends the screen, you press the button and strum, yet you miss the note horribly…and the next, and the next, and so on, until eventually you fail the song with 0% notes hit.
Thinking that you’ve just suffered a bit of bad luck, you try another song, but the same thing happens: you cannot hit a single note.
After 7 hours of trying and trying with all your might, you fail to hit a single note, then suddenly the window bursts open, the clock chimes, a grinning china doll falls in front of you and a terrible screeching, screaming voice says: “Put on the ring!” Then, almost as suddenly as it had started, everything stops. The window closes, the china doll is nowhere to be seen, and the clock stops chiming.
You start to tremble. “Grandma! Grandma, something weird’s going on!”, yet she cannot hear you and so does not come. You decide to go downstairs, to escape the room, yet your door is locked.
Knowing that the only thing you can do is put on the gold ring, you do so. The cold metal slides smoothly over your finger and, as soon as it’s on, the open window, chiming clock, china doll and screaming screeching voice are back.
“Do you want to be good at Guitar Hero?”, the voice screamed.
“Ye..ye…y…yes”, you stutter, backed up against the wall in pure terror.
“Then you must pay the price”, the voice said in a way which sounded like nails scratching a blackboard, “Do you want to pay the price?”
“Er..er..a…anything to be good at Guitar Hero”, you reply, unwittingly.
As soon as the last syllable leaves your mouth, the room fills with light and you collapse. The last thing you remember is a wraith like creature laughing horribly, backed by a flash of forked lightening, as rain pours in through the windows.
You slowly open your eyes, as the memories of last night come rushing back to you. You groggily pull yourself up off the floor, only to see bright sunlight pouring through the windows, and hear birds chirping merrily outside.
You spot the Guitar Hero box and decide to give the game one last shot. As you navigate the menus and select a song, you accidentally choose the difficulty as ‘Expert’, but with the loading screen imminent, you are forced to try the song.
As the first note glides majestically towards you, a purple glow surrounds both your hands, and you hit the note. And the next, and the next and all the notes in the song, getting 100%. It almost feels as though you aren’t controlling your own hands, as if some other force is playing the song for you. You glance at the gold ring on your finger and wonder: was the voice right? Did it really give me the ability to play Guitar Hero? If so, then what is the price I must pay?
[5 years later, in the honeymoon suite at a swanky hotel after your wedding, with your newly wedded wife]
“So, shall we…erm…you know what I mean”.
“Hell yeah!” your wife replies in a strangely masculine tone.
[2 minutes later]
“Damn you, golden ring!”
So there you have it, with premature ejaculation comes gaming skill.
Recent research has revealed a correlation between premature ejaculation and reflexes with Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist, saying the following: “These men have very quick reflexes. They may be excellent at playing tennis or computer games, for example.”
So, if you suffer from premature ejaculation, then you’ll be better at video games. See? There’s always a silver lining.