#1 Edited by boatorious (101 posts) -

I left work early yesterday. I told them I had something to take care of and I'd make up the hours later.

I didn't cry right away. For a minute after I read the news. Then I remembered Ryan just got married. He was on his honeymoon. And it all opened up.

I never met Ryan or worked with him, or even saw him in person. But, besides hanging out with my family, my favorite way to spend my time is with video games, and my favorite thing about video games is Giant Bomb. I know the squad might bristle at that a little, since they always apologize for only talking about games instead of making them. But no game, or even game developer, has entertained me so much for so long as the Bombcast has. I don't always have time to play games but I always make time for the podcast.

And it wasn't just that the guys are entertaining. They are like my fake friends. Between being a dad, work, and general anti-socialness, I don't have a lot of friends. But listening to the guys every week, and how excited they would be about stupid stuff (hummingbird masks!) was great. It was the genuine guy to guy patter I've been missing. Hearing dudes be excited about stupid stuff is magic.

So now I'm in mourning. My family is away for the week so I can be as mopey and teary as I want. And I have been mopey and teary. I feel so sorry for being that way though. I didn't lose a spouse or a son or a friend of a dozen years. I just lost some guy I adored but never met who was great on podcasts and videos and has questionable taste in incarnations of Starship Troopers.

But I guess I've always been that way. I remember ten-year old me as the only one bawling at my great-grandfather's funeral, even though he had lived 90-odd years and I didn't know him that well. And my wife always catches me crying in sad movies. (How can everyone else not cry?)

Despite my tears I know I can't miss Ryan as much everyone who loved him did. But I'll still miss him as much as I can. RIP buddy.

#2 Posted by SquirrelCheese (14 posts) -

I have lurked hard on Giant Bomb for a while now, maybe 2 years. And I have broken down 3 times now.
I don't even remember crying at my grandmother's funeral. And I have had 3 breakdowns cause of Ryan.

#3 Posted by mano521 (1258 posts) -

same here man. the guy helped me through the toughest part of my life. All the bomb crew did (inadvertently of course). Getting up and watching the endurance runs and quick looks and listening to bombcasts really helped me through freshmen year of college. Im now a senior and when i heard the news, it took me about 6 hrs to really feel shitty enough to let out some tears. but they came.

And I am not one to cry.

this sucks.

RIP Ryan

#4 Posted by Abendlaender (2993 posts) -

I said it earlier, it's just a testament on how great of a person he was that so many people actually cry. If heaven exists it's now at least twice as awesome.
But man, if "we" are feeling sad, I can't even imagine how Jeff must feel right now....fuck

#5 Posted by mrfluke (5661 posts) -

always astounds me and just shows how far online interactions like this have come that we all are crying over someone we never met.

its something else.

#6 Posted by neato (81 posts) -

i'm home alone for the next few days, so i'm glad i won't have to explain to anyone what's up.

my life is changed forever now. ryan davis has been in my eyes and ears on a day to day basis for a while. he is part of my life and now he is gone. how could this not hurt?

at least he is leaving behind a legacy.

#7 Posted by jotap (32 posts) -

My girlfriend asked me why i was sad and crying this past few days. She's not a gamer, she doesn't know us.

I told her about GB, the crew, us and Ryan. She smilled, kissed me and said "i understand now..."

#8 Edited by Rabbykayn (252 posts) -

I also feel guilty being this sad. I'm sitting here crying.. and just feeling like I don't deserve to feel this way when there are people that knew him in person.

#9 Posted by soulmanim3 (58 posts) -

Your post perfectly summarizes how I'm feeling. I appreciate this post! Thank you.

#10 Posted by MurderSlingshot (86 posts) -

My aunt and uncle passed away last week. Now, I loved my aunt and uncle but when I heard the news my reaction was "Huh. That's a huge bummer". I heard Ryan had passed via a text from a friend. I had gotten up from the couch and when I saw the text I dead stopped in my tracks for what seemed like forever. Luckily there was someone there to snap me out of it. I was sad for the rest of the day and it is mostly a blur, but it wasn't until Harmoix's stream that it really hit me. I bawled for over an hour.

Today has also been pretty much a complete blur but when I came to the forums and saw all the threads about it, it opened the wound again and I just lost it for over an hour again. There will always be a Ryan shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled.

#11 Edited by Itwongo (1478 posts) -

If people can cry over Michael Jackson, Princess Diana, John Lennon and several presidents and prime ministers dying, even though they never met them...

Then I feel okay crying over mine.

#12 Posted by figurehead00 (200 posts) -

I've been dealing with the same feelings since I found out. Two days ago I wouldn't have remembered the last time I actually broke down and cried. Now the answer is a couple hours ago. Not to even mention in the future when I listen to tonight's Bombcast. But, like so many, I never met him. Jenn Frank said this in her amazing post about Ryan:

"My heart also breaks for Ryan’s many, many fans and listeners, some of whom have taken to Twitter to wonder whether it’s strange or indecent to feel so shattered. No, it isn’t."

For some reason that did it for me. I'm not going to worry about wether I should be feeling so many feelings. He obviously meant more to me than I ever realized. Gah, fuck.

#13 Edited by SpudBug (707 posts) -

how you feel is how you feel. you need to get it out. He was a big part of a lot of our lives. Indirectly, but it was a tuesday routine as valid as any routine to hear.. "HEY EVERYONE ITS TUESDAY"

#14 Posted by Heartagram (1288 posts) -

I hear you man. I have cried over him several times and as silly as it seems to some who didn't know the website he really seemed like a friend. When you watch the videos on this site it feels like you're sitting with your buddies playing a game and poking fun at it or marveling at how amazing it is. Now we all feel like our friend is gone and we'll never get to hang out again. It fucking sucks. Then to think of all the people who actually knew and loved him other than the Giant Bomb fans it really makes it all the more tragic. It really is nice to know so many people feel the same way.

RIP Ryan.

#15 Posted by cooljammer00 (2302 posts) -

I got a hug from my roommate, but it's tough to talk about it when she recently lost her brother. Like, I'm not gonna compare this internet guy who I never met with your brother who you lived with for many years and who I HAVE met, you know?

#16 Posted by Hazelnuttz (115 posts) -

I bawled. And I went through the same thought process as you. Someone on the forums "I feel like I've lost the best friend I never knew" and that right about sums it up. It's ok to be teary.

#17 Posted by Miyuki (179 posts) -

Don't feel bad for being sad! I always cry at funerals, and I'm a musician so I'm always going to them and playing. I played a funeral this morning, and it got me thinking about Ryan, and then I was sad about the funeral because the guy who died (who I didn't know) had been in the hospital for years, and all his nurses and doctors came to the funeral... thought it was really touching. Nothing wrong with feeling those feelings... it's what makes us human, you know?