I left work early yesterday. I told them I had something to take care of and I'd make up the hours later.
I didn't cry right away. For a minute after I read the news. Then I remembered Ryan just got married. He was on his honeymoon. And it all opened up.
I never met Ryan or worked with him, or even saw him in person. But, besides hanging out with my family, my favorite way to spend my time is with video games, and my favorite thing about video games is Giant Bomb. I know the squad might bristle at that a little, since they always apologize for only talking about games instead of making them. But no game, or even game developer, has entertained me so much for so long as the Bombcast has. I don't always have time to play games but I always make time for the podcast.
And it wasn't just that the guys are entertaining. They are like my fake friends. Between being a dad, work, and general anti-socialness, I don't have a lot of friends. But listening to the guys every week, and how excited they would be about stupid stuff (hummingbird masks!) was great. It was the genuine guy to guy patter I've been missing. Hearing dudes be excited about stupid stuff is magic.
So now I'm in mourning. My family is away for the week so I can be as mopey and teary as I want. And I have been mopey and teary. I feel so sorry for being that way though. I didn't lose a spouse or a son or a friend of a dozen years. I just lost some guy I adored but never met who was great on podcasts and videos and has questionable taste in incarnations of Starship Troopers.
But I guess I've always been that way. I remember ten-year old me as the only one bawling at my great-grandfather's funeral, even though he had lived 90-odd years and I didn't know him that well. And my wife always catches me crying in sad movies. (How can everyone else not cry?)
Despite my tears I know I can't miss Ryan as much everyone who loved him did. But I'll still miss him as much as I can. RIP buddy.