Dag, that's some low tech business you got going on. Couldn't you have painstakingly entered every word into a console's browser and saved us all from this accursed cursive subversion?
Well, I hope everything's working next week. Your handwriting's better than mine at least.
Well English isn't his first language. He clearly states that in the first paragraph.
Clarity is not a concept that should come anywhere close to this blog.
Curiously enough, he seems like a left-handed Lunarian if we judge the smudge. Hey, where'd your picture-thread about Persona 3 go?
EDIT: Looking over it again, maybe he isn't a southpaw. It seems like minimal smudge in some places.
Most of the time, though, that atmosphere is dumb. Really, really dumb. Confusingly dumb. Half the time, I was convinced that the plot was the result of a twisted corporate game of mad libs. How else would you explain stabbing a monkey in the ass (literally his ass) to release an evil bug from it and gain control of a wind fairy who happens to live in a boomerang?
I have no idea, but that explains the T rating.
It's absolutely cursive. Don't let him fool you.
Holy shit... Your handwriting might be nearly as bad as mine.
Now I realize why elementary schools grade people on penmanship.
Fucking dicks. I would have had straight A's all through elementary school if they didn't do this. This practice also led to me not giving a shit about grades in my later years, as my parents cracked down on me occasionally when they saw my report cards and would make me practice writing, and after a while I just said "Fuck it! I don't care! Fuck off with that shit! If a shitty grade in penmanship upsets you that much, try looking at my report card now that I don't do any homework or pay attention in class!" which sums up my middle school and high school years.
It's a joke...because of the shitty handwriting. Get it? I'm god damn hilarious.
It's a joke...because of the shitty handwriting. Get it? I'm god damn hilarious.
That's really funny - you should be a comedian, comedian.
I've left a few blank for words I couldn't get right away. I'll come back to them.
Greetings probably loyal subjects, I know what you’re all thinking: “Am I reading one of the King’s Lunarian languages or whatever the hell it is?” Actually, this is all English. I wrote the original draft in _, paid Sexyface to translate it all into English, and they wrote it all myself to give it a personal touch. (Let’s ignore the fact that I’ve made it nigh unreadable as a result.)
With that thoroughly explained, you are now most likely wondering why I haven’t been on the site for as long as I have been. The simple explanation is that the fan on my computer has ripped out on me; the complex explanation is non-existent. This is the third time it happened over the course of Renegade Ego! (there would have been links in that sentence if this wasn’t fucking paper.) Unfortunately, this is looking less like a Devil May Cry 4 scenario and more like a haiku one, which is my way of saying that this is going to take a while.
So, how am I going to make up for the lack of Alone in the Dark hate and foggy racism? Well, I first planned on opening up a Twitter account to keep you informed about my _ _, but then remembered I’d _ out of Internet access for a while. Then I went ahead and made one anyways, and only updated it SPORADICALLY. I also considered spending some time at my Earthly abode. (Yes, I have a house on Earth. Amazon doesn’t ship to the Moon, after all.), but Earth is ridiculously boring.
Eventually, I decided to combine the idea from the last two times this happened; I’ll try to marathon a few games until my laptop returned from repairs, and then review them in this unintelligible format. Why of COURSE I’ll include a Vocaloid video in all this. Are you finally up to speed? Then turn the page or just scroll down, where I shall begin with the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Yes, the one people don’t seem to like for whatever reason. Actually, I know the reason (it’s too similar to Ocarina of Time), but I also happen to think that reason is too dumb for me to be absolute about (how many wolves did Ocarina of Time have?). But speaking of dumb, that’s one of my chief reasons for enjoying Twilight Princess as much as I did; how utterly stupid it all is. For you see, underneath the standard Zelda surface that apparently only I like _ some endearingly _ material.
Oh, and slightly more horrifying then everything I’ve seem in any survival horror game, and I’m not saying that because survival horror games are very rarely scary, but look at the faces (somewhere else, since I can’t link here)! Everyone is an unholy contortion defying all that is natural. I want to comment on any other aspect of this game’s aesthetics, like how majestic Epona look or how Twilight Princess looks like a GameCube game with buckets of bloom, but every time I do, I remember the faces. Therefore, WHY!? Why does Midna have such a toothy grin? Why does Link always look so angry? WHY!? Is this your way of having a sense of humor? Or having a personality? Well, Nintendo, you’ve certainly accomplished that, but clearly not in a way you’d even intended.
But what makes this all the more horrifying is how the game very clearly knows how to set a mood. It’s hard to put into words without going into specific examples that would spoil a nearly 7 year old game, but when it matters, Twilight can really delivers a mood. Take, for instance, that part of the game where Midna’s near death. It’s pretty easy to feel the plight of the situation and get emotionally wrapped up in it. Granted, that’s less because of Midna’s physical suffering and more because boy Link, _ attempting to guarantee Midna’s survival, is shunned by the Hyrulian for some reason _ from the reality of his situation, but the important thing is I was emotionally enraptured in the event. Want a more successful example? How about Zant’s prayer to Ganondorf and how well they communicate the plight and desperation of the Twili? Or how the eerie, empty halls of Hyrule Castle tell you very clearly how eerie and empty those halls are? The point of all this is that Twilight Princess has complete control over what atmosphere it displays.
Most of the time, thought, that atmosphere is dumb. Really, really dumb. Confusingly dumb. Half the time, I was convinced that the plot was the result of a twisted corporate game of mad libs. How else would you explain stabbing a monkey in the ass (literally his ass) to release an evil bug from it and gain control of a wind thing who happened to be live in a boomerang? On a magical _ spider, that stabs its way into Hyrule Castle? You can’t make this stuff up! Nintendo can, but you can’t! Now I know what you’re thinking; doesn’t this detract from the serious emotional moments you were just lauding in the last wall of text? I have to admit that sometimes, it does. For instance, how do you fix Midna up after Zant poisons her with ‘the Light of Lanayru’? MORE LIGHT! But that aside, I’d say that the stupidity adds to the game’s reality. You keep playing to see how exactly the game will top the last dumb thing it did. However, I understand that it’s not for everybody.
Just like the motion controls! (Hey, could YOU come up with a better transition?) Now this is an issue I’m more ambivalent about, largely because the quality’s all over the place. On the one hand, the Wii-mote allows me to point at targets directly, allowing more accuracy with my ranged weapons. Always appreciated. On the other hand, waggle. Now there ARE contests wherein the waggle contributes something meaningful. Waving your arms about when Link is a wolf helps you understand his animalistic side and…no, that’s really it. The rest of the time, it’s either a meaningless button press analogy or it works as well as you’d expect Nintendo Wii launch game motion controls to work, which is to say they don’t work at all.
But strangely enough, I still like the combat. How is that, exactly? First, it’s because you get all of these cool toys play with. Ball and chain! Spinner thing! That totally useless rod that you only use for one dungeon! But that’s not all! You also get fun situations in which to use them! Not entirely the normal enemies, though. There is enough cool stuff there to keep you going through the game, like horseback fights and those Zant heads near the end of the game, but Twilight Princess is all about the boos fights. These high_ bouts of epic proportions that force you to remember what new weapon you got in this specific dungeon. Those are what make the game worth playing.
The world of Hyrule itself on the other hand, is just there. Now don’t get me wrong; there’s plenty of content to seek out in the world. But therein lies the problem; you must seek it out. Barely, if any of the content makes itself obvious to the player. What good are ride quests and mini-games and + skeleton wolves of the games itself does nothing to signal their very existence? What this leaves is a vast, empty world that is seemingly devoid of activity and takes forever to traverse. No wonder I just warped everywhere as soon as I was given the opportunity. But here to save the day, are the dungeons, immune from criticism. I’ve seriously tried to find significant fault with them, but my efforts remain fruitless. These things contain all the item variety I mentioned earlier, but this time for puzzles instead of combat. Very well designed puzzles, I might add. Most of the time, you’re provided with all the information necessary to solve them. If anybody is at fault, it’s usually you for failing to pay careful enough attention to the level. But maybe that tone is too accusatory for the game I’m _. In reality, Twilight Princess is easy enough that you will _ be stuck for too long, but long enough that you’ll still derive joy from _ through the story. You know, this sounds a lot like the other three or so Zelda review I’ve written in the past. The only real differences seem to be the funny undertones and the cowboy shootout.
- This game looks horrifying…
- …reads idiotically…
- …but plays really, really well.
Ok, so not the most illegible stuff. Of course, my handwriting was distinctly bad enough that at some point one of my teachers could identify papers that I forgot to write my name on. Regardless, I doubt the average high school junior is an expert calligraphist, so have fun!
Your translation (I think that term accurately applies here) is off in a few spots, but overall, well done! Here's some of the blanks, plus a couple corrections.
- his computer "crapped" out on him, not ripped out
- The first blanks you skipped says "lunar activities", then he says "I'd be out of internet access for a while."
- "that only I like lies some endearingly idiotic material."
- "because of how Link, a harmless savior attempting to guarantee Midna's survival,"
- "is shunned by the Hyrulians for reasons" and this word even I fail to understand... it starts with "di" but fuck it if I can make sense of what comes after that.
- again, not sure what he is saying about the spider...
- "high tensity bouts of epic proportions."
- "for the game I'm describing."
- "you will never be stuck for too long."
- "but hard enough that you'll still derive joy from progressing through the story."
Why did I do this? I wanted to test myself to see if my own terrible penmanship has gifted me with the ability to decipher someone else's bad handwriting. Seems to have made it somewhat easier, I think.