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Posted by Video_Game_King (34642 posts) -
#1 Posted by ShadowConqueror (2997 posts) -

Illegible.

#2 Posted by BillyTheKid (484 posts) -

^this.

Looks like my brothers handwriting though.... :P

#3 Posted by StarFoxA (5123 posts) -

I can make out like every fifth word.

#4 Edited by Hawkerace (261 posts) -

Are you left handed? I recognize the smears I think.

#5 Edited by CaLe (3678 posts) -

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

#6 Posted by Nightriff (4376 posts) -

I have bad handwritting and that is awful, also how old are you? 10?

#7 Posted by Demoskinos (13906 posts) -

I've stepped into a nightmare.

#8 Posted by Dalai (6882 posts) -

It's just not the same without the links.

But I do agree with the dungeons in Twilight Princess. They were the highlight of the game, especially City in the Sky which might be my favorite dungeon in any Zelda game ever.

#9 Posted by Mento (2261 posts) -

Dag, that's some low tech business you got going on. Couldn't you have painstakingly entered every word into a console's browser and saved us all from this accursed cursive subversion?

Well, I hope everything's working next week. Your handwriting's better than mine at least.

Moderator
#10 Edited by mrfluke (4849 posts) -

You're the best

#11 Posted by Winternet (7936 posts) -

Ok, finally a cool blog. No stupid youtube anime videos/songs ;)

#12 Edited by Dethfish (3593 posts) -

More blogs should be hand written.

#13 Posted by Dalai (6882 posts) -

Illegible.

Well English isn't his first language. He clearly states that in the first paragraph.

#14 Edited by ShadowConqueror (2997 posts) -

@dalai said:

@shadowconqueror said:

Illegible.

Well English isn't his first language. He clearly states that in the first paragraph.

Yes. Clearly.

#15 Edited by believer258 (11057 posts) -

@dalai said:

@shadowconqueror said:

Illegible.

Well English isn't his first language. He clearly states that in the first paragraph.

Clarity is not a concept that should come anywhere close to this blog.

Curiously enough, he seems like a left-handed Lunarian if we judge the smudge. Hey, where'd your picture-thread about Persona 3 go?

EDIT: Looking over it again, maybe he isn't a southpaw. It seems like minimal smudge in some places.

Online
#16 Edited by Dalai (6882 posts) -

Most of the time, though, that atmosphere is dumb. Really, really dumb. Confusingly dumb. Half the time, I was convinced that the plot was the result of a twisted corporate game of mad libs. How else would you explain stabbing a monkey in the ass (literally his ass) to release an evil bug from it and gain control of a wind fairy who happens to live in a boomerang?

I have no idea, but that explains the T rating.

#17 Edited by frankfartmouth (1016 posts) -

I just got home from work. I'm too tired and irritated to try to decipher your godawful handwriting.

#18 Posted by Sackmanjones (4609 posts) -

I've stepped into a nightmare.

"Stay Down"

#19 Posted by Sackmanjones (4609 posts) -

@cale said:

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

It's not in cursive....

#20 Edited by CaLe (3678 posts) -

@sackmanjones said:

@cale said:

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

It's not in cursive....

The letters look all joined up to me. Isn't that cursive?

#21 Edited by ShadowConqueror (2997 posts) -

@cale said:

@sackmanjones said:

@cale said:

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

It's not in cursive....

The letters look all joined up to me. Isn't that cursive?

It's absolutely cursive. Don't let him fool you.

#22 Posted by MooseyMcMan (9781 posts) -

Now I realize why elementary schools grade people on penmanship.

#23 Edited by PeasantAbuse (5121 posts) -

You should type your next blog, print it out, take pictures of the printed pages, and post them here.

#24 Posted by pyromagnestir (3972 posts) -

Holy shit... Your handwriting might be nearly as bad as mine.

Now I realize why elementary schools grade people on penmanship.

Fucking dicks. I would have had straight A's all through elementary school if they didn't do this. This practice also led to me not giving a shit about grades in my later years, as my parents cracked down on me occasionally when they saw my report cards and would make me practice writing, and after a while I just said "Fuck it! I don't care! Fuck off with that shit! If a shitty grade in penmanship upsets you that much, try looking at my report card now that I don't do any homework or pay attention in class!" which sums up my middle school and high school years.

#25 Posted by killacam (1284 posts) -

oh my god... you just went up like 4 notches in my book. and books don't even HAVE notches.

#26 Posted by Dalai (6882 posts) -

So I'm the only one not having any real difficulty reading this? It's not the best penmanship, but I can read it just fine.

#27 Edited by Hailinel (22737 posts) -

It's illegible, yet genius.

What the fuck does it say?

#28 Edited by notdavid (761 posts) -

What?

#29 Edited by envane (1156 posts) -

D+ writing is messier than my desk , and if i could read more id say it was too wordy .. but then again i skim your typed blogs just as fast.

Illustrations are A+ tho

#30 Posted by Wraith1 (550 posts) -

I can't read your crazy moon language or is that just horribly written English

#31 Posted by Reisz (1365 posts) -

This is exquisite nonsense.

#32 Edited by Sackmanjones (4609 posts) -

@cale said:

@sackmanjones said:

@cale said:

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

It's not in cursive....

The letters look all joined up to me. Isn't that cursive?

It's absolutely cursive. Don't let him fool you.

It's a joke...because of the shitty handwriting. Get it? I'm god damn hilarious.

#33 Posted by h0lgr (893 posts) -

@shadowconqueror said:

@cale said:

@sackmanjones said:

@cale said:

You shouldn't write in cursive. I can read it, but it's a chore.

It's not in cursive....

The letters look all joined up to me. Isn't that cursive?

It's absolutely cursive. Don't let him fool you.

It's a joke...because of the shitty handwriting. Get it? I'm god damn hilarious.

That's really funny - you should be a comedian, comedian.

#34 Posted by bigjeffrey (4173 posts) -

WE MUST DECIPHER, shit we need a code book

#35 Edited by SSully (4060 posts) -

Do people actually write in cursive on a day to day basis? I gave that shit up the moment it stopped counting for a grade.

#37 Edited by Blackmoore (254 posts) -

I've left a few blank for words I couldn't get right away. I'll come back to them.

Greetings probably loyal subjects, I know what you’re all thinking: “Am I reading one of the King’s Lunarian languages or whatever the hell it is?” Actually, this is all English. I wrote the original draft in _, paid Sexyface to translate it all into English, and they wrote it all myself to give it a personal touch. (Let’s ignore the fact that I’ve made it nigh unreadable as a result.)

With that thoroughly explained, you are now most likely wondering why I haven’t been on the site for as long as I have been. The simple explanation is that the fan on my computer has ripped out on me; the complex explanation is non-existent. This is the third time it happened over the course of Renegade Ego! (there would have been links in that sentence if this wasn’t fucking paper.) Unfortunately, this is looking less like a Devil May Cry 4 scenario and more like a haiku one, which is my way of saying that this is going to take a while.

So, how am I going to make up for the lack of Alone in the Dark hate and foggy racism? Well, I first planned on opening up a Twitter account to keep you informed about my _ _, but then remembered I’d _ out of Internet access for a while. Then I went ahead and made one anyways, and only updated it SPORADICALLY. I also considered spending some time at my Earthly abode. (Yes, I have a house on Earth. Amazon doesn’t ship to the Moon, after all.), but Earth is ridiculously boring.

Eventually, I decided to combine the idea from the last two times this happened; I’ll try to marathon a few games until my laptop returned from repairs, and then review them in this unintelligible format. Why of COURSE I’ll include a Vocaloid video in all this. Are you finally up to speed? Then turn the page or just scroll down, where I shall begin with the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Yes, the one people don’t seem to like for whatever reason. Actually, I know the reason (it’s too similar to Ocarina of Time), but I also happen to think that reason is too dumb for me to be absolute about (how many wolves did Ocarina of Time have?). But speaking of dumb, that’s one of my chief reasons for enjoying Twilight Princess as much as I did; how utterly stupid it all is. For you see, underneath the standard Zelda surface that apparently only I like _ some endearingly _ material.

Oh, and slightly more horrifying then everything I’ve seem in any survival horror game, and I’m not saying that because survival horror games are very rarely scary, but look at the faces (somewhere else, since I can’t link here)! Everyone is an unholy contortion defying all that is natural. I want to comment on any other aspect of this game’s aesthetics, like how majestic Epona look or how Twilight Princess looks like a GameCube game with buckets of bloom, but every time I do, I remember the faces. Therefore, WHY!? Why does Midna have such a toothy grin? Why does Link always look so angry? WHY!? Is this your way of having a sense of humor? Or having a personality? Well, Nintendo, you’ve certainly accomplished that, but clearly not in a way you’d even intended.

But what makes this all the more horrifying is how the game very clearly knows how to set a mood. It’s hard to put into words without going into specific examples that would spoil a nearly 7 year old game, but when it matters, Twilight can really delivers a mood. Take, for instance, that part of the game where Midna’s near death. It’s pretty easy to feel the plight of the situation and get emotionally wrapped up in it. Granted, that’s less because of Midna’s physical suffering and more because boy Link, _ attempting to guarantee Midna’s survival, is shunned by the Hyrulian for some reason _ from the reality of his situation, but the important thing is I was emotionally enraptured in the event. Want a more successful example? How about Zant’s prayer to Ganondorf and how well they communicate the plight and desperation of the Twili? Or how the eerie, empty halls of Hyrule Castle tell you very clearly how eerie and empty those halls are? The point of all this is that Twilight Princess has complete control over what atmosphere it displays.

Most of the time, thought, that atmosphere is dumb. Really, really dumb. Confusingly dumb. Half the time, I was convinced that the plot was the result of a twisted corporate game of mad libs. How else would you explain stabbing a monkey in the ass (literally his ass) to release an evil bug from it and gain control of a wind thing who happened to be live in a boomerang? On a magical _ spider, that stabs its way into Hyrule Castle? You can’t make this stuff up! Nintendo can, but you can’t! Now I know what you’re thinking; doesn’t this detract from the serious emotional moments you were just lauding in the last wall of text? I have to admit that sometimes, it does. For instance, how do you fix Midna up after Zant poisons her with ‘the Light of Lanayru’? MORE LIGHT! But that aside, I’d say that the stupidity adds to the game’s reality. You keep playing to see how exactly the game will top the last dumb thing it did. However, I understand that it’s not for everybody.

Just like the motion controls! (Hey, could YOU come up with a better transition?) Now this is an issue I’m more ambivalent about, largely because the quality’s all over the place. On the one hand, the Wii-mote allows me to point at targets directly, allowing more accuracy with my ranged weapons. Always appreciated. On the other hand, waggle. Now there ARE contests wherein the waggle contributes something meaningful. Waving your arms about when Link is a wolf helps you understand his animalistic side and…no, that’s really it. The rest of the time, it’s either a meaningless button press analogy or it works as well as you’d expect Nintendo Wii launch game motion controls to work, which is to say they don’t work at all.

But strangely enough, I still like the combat. How is that, exactly? First, it’s because you get all of these cool toys play with. Ball and chain! Spinner thing! That totally useless rod that you only use for one dungeon! But that’s not all! You also get fun situations in which to use them! Not entirely the normal enemies, though. There is enough cool stuff there to keep you going through the game, like horseback fights and those Zant heads near the end of the game, but Twilight Princess is all about the boos fights. These high_ bouts of epic proportions that force you to remember what new weapon you got in this specific dungeon. Those are what make the game worth playing.

The world of Hyrule itself on the other hand, is just there. Now don’t get me wrong; there’s plenty of content to seek out in the world. But therein lies the problem; you must seek it out. Barely, if any of the content makes itself obvious to the player. What good are ride quests and mini-games and + skeleton wolves of the games itself does nothing to signal their very existence? What this leaves is a vast, empty world that is seemingly devoid of activity and takes forever to traverse. No wonder I just warped everywhere as soon as I was given the opportunity. But here to save the day, are the dungeons, immune from criticism. I’ve seriously tried to find significant fault with them, but my efforts remain fruitless. These things contain all the item variety I mentioned earlier, but this time for puzzles instead of combat. Very well designed puzzles, I might add. Most of the time, you’re provided with all the information necessary to solve them. If anybody is at fault, it’s usually you for failing to pay careful enough attention to the level. But maybe that tone is too accusatory for the game I’m _. In reality, Twilight Princess is easy enough that you will _ be stuck for too long, but long enough that you’ll still derive joy from _ through the story. You know, this sounds a lot like the other three or so Zelda review I’ve written in the past. The only real differences seem to be the funny undertones and the cowboy shootout.

Review Synopsis

  • This game looks horrifying…
  • …reads idiotically…
  • …but plays really, really well.

#38 Posted by believer258 (11057 posts) -

@blackmoore: Thanks. Now I can (mostly) read this and I understand what happened to his Persona 3 picture blog.

Online
#39 Posted by Turambar (6489 posts) -

I already have 30 paragraphs of text on Lyndon B Johnson written in poor handwriting to grade. My eyes are not ready for this...

Thank god for @blackmoore

#40 Edited by ArbitraryWater (11034 posts) -

@blackmoore:You sir, are a scribe capable of deciphering the most antiquated of texts.

@turambar:What grade do you teach? That will give me a baseline for how unfortunate your weekend will be.

#41 Posted by Turambar (6489 posts) -
#42 Edited by ArbitraryWater (11034 posts) -

Ok, so not the most illegible stuff. Of course, my handwriting was distinctly bad enough that at some point one of my teachers could identify papers that I forgot to write my name on. Regardless, I doubt the average high school junior is an expert calligraphist, so have fun!

#43 Edited by TooWalrus (12985 posts) -

@blackmoore: I actually started typign this out before deciding "wait, I should probably look to see if someone's already beat me to this..."

#44 Posted by TooWalrus (12985 posts) -

This is the English version of Soul Hackers. I'm pretty sure this means "Life Stone" ...?

#45 Posted by TruthTellah (7680 posts) -

I imagine this is how you'll post up your manifesto once you finally go through with your plans.

#46 Posted by TruthTellah (7680 posts) -

@toowalrus: Woah, the English version of Soul Hackers has Japanese words left in it by accident?

#47 Posted by TheManWithNoPlan (4445 posts) -

The Video Game King need not be bothered by penmanship or legibility.

#48 Edited by pyromagnestir (3972 posts) -

@blackmoore:

Your translation (I think that term accurately applies here) is off in a few spots, but overall, well done! Here's some of the blanks, plus a couple corrections.

  • his computer "crapped" out on him, not ripped out
  • The first blanks you skipped says "lunar activities", then he says "I'd be out of internet access for a while."
  • "that only I like lies some endearingly idiotic material."
  • "because of how Link, a harmless savior attempting to guarantee Midna's survival,"
  • "is shunned by the Hyrulians for reasons" and this word even I fail to understand... it starts with "di" but fuck it if I can make sense of what comes after that.
  • again, not sure what he is saying about the spider...
  • "high tensity bouts of epic proportions."
  • "for the game I'm describing."
  • "you will never be stuck for too long."
  • "but hard enough that you'll still derive joy from progressing through the story."

Why did I do this? I wanted to test myself to see if my own terrible penmanship has gifted me with the ability to decipher someone else's bad handwriting. Seems to have made it somewhat easier, I think.

#49 Posted by TooWalrus (12985 posts) -

@truthtellah: Heh, I think it was an accident. I saw this while talking to a demon trying to recruit it, and noticed an extra life stone in my inventory when looking for whatever the hell that was.

#50 Posted by TruthTellah (7680 posts) -

@toowalrus: How odd! Well, I guess these accidents do happen. How is the game?