Greetings probably loyal subjects, I know what you’re all thinking: “Am I reading one of the King’s Lunarian languages or whatever the hell it is?” Actually, this is all English. I wrote the original draft in Senastian, paid Sexyface to translate it all into English, and then wrote it all myself to give it a personal touch. (Let’s ignore the fact that I’ve made it nigh unreadable as a result.)
With that thoroughly explained, you are now most likely wondering why I haven’t been on the site for as long as I have been. The simple explanation is that the fan on my computer has crapped out on me; the complex explanation is non-existent. This is the third time it's happened over the course of Renegade Ego! (There would have been links in that sentence if this wasn’t fucking paper.) Unfortunately, this is looking less like a Devil May Cry 4 scenario and more like a haiku one, which is my way of saying that this is going to take a while.
So, how am I going to make up for the lack of Alone in the Dark hate and doggy racism? Well, I first planned on opening up a Twitter account to keep you informed about my Lunar activities, but then remembered I’d be out of Internet access for a while. Then I went ahead and made one anyway, and only updated it SPORADICALLY. I also considered spending some time at my Earthly abode. (Yes, I have a house on Earth. Amazon doesn’t ship to the Moon, after all.), but Earth is ridiculously boring.
Eventually, I decided to combine the ideas from the last two times this happened: I’ll try to marathon a few games until my laptop returns from repairs, and then review them in this incomprehensible format. Why of COURSE I’ll include a Vocaloid video in all this. Are you finally up to speed? Then turn the page (or just scroll down), where I shall begin with The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Yes, the one people don’t seem to like for whatever reason. Actually, I know the reason (it’s too similar to Ocarina of Time), but I also happen to think that reason is too dumb for me to be absolute about (how many wolves did Ocarina of Time have?). But speaking of dumb, that’s one of my chief reasons for enjoying Twilight Princess as much as I did: how utterly stupid it all is. For you see, underneath the standard Zelda surface that apparently only I like lies some endearingly idiotic material.
Oh, and sights more horrifying then everything I’ve seem in any survival horror game, and I’m not saying that because survival horror games are very rarely scary.Just look at the faces (somewhere else, since I can’t link here)! Everyone is an unholy contortion defying all that is natural. I want to comment on any other aspect of this game’s aesthetics, like how majestic Epona looks or how Twilight Princess looks like a GameCube game with buckets of bloom, but every time I do, I remember the faces. The faces. WHY!? Why does Midna have such a toothy grin? Why does Link always look so angry? WHY!? Is this your way of having a sense of humor? Or having a personality? Well, Nintendo, you’ve certainly accomplished that, but clearly not in a way you’d even intended.
But what makes this all the more horrifying is how the game very clearly knows how to set a mood. It’s hard to put into words without going into specific examples that would spoil a nearly 7 year old game, but when it matters, Twilight can really deliver a mood. Take, for instance, that part of the game where Midna’s near death. It’s pretty easy to feel the plight of the situation and get emotionally wrapped up in it. Granted, that’s less because of Midna’s physical suffering and more because how Link, a harmless savior attempting to guarantee Midna’s survival, is shunned by the Hyrulian for reasons divorced from the reality of his situation, but the important thing is I was emotionally enraptured in the event. Want a more successful example? How about Zant’s prayers to Ganondorf and how well they communicate the plight and desperation of the Twili? Or how the eerie, empty halls of Hyrule Castle tell you very clearly how eerie and empty those halls are? The point of all this is that Twilight Princess has complete control over what atmosphere it displays.
Most of the time, thought, that atmosphere is dumb. Really, really dumb. Confusingly dumb. Half the time, I was convinced that the plot was the result of a twisted corporate game of mad libs. How else would you explain stabbing a monkey in the ass (literally his ass) to release an evil bug from it and gain control of a wind fairy who happens to live in a boomerang? On a magical muscular spider that stabs its way into Hyrule Castle? You can’t make this stuff up! Nintendo can, but you can’t! Now I know what you’re thinking: doesn’t this detract from the serious emotional moments you were just lauding in the last wall of text? I have to admit that sometimes, it does. For instance, how do you fix Midna up after Zant poisons her with the light of Lanayru? MORE LIGHT! But that aside, I’d say that the stupidity adds to the game’s quality. You keep playing to see how exactly the game will top the last dumb thing it did. However, I understand that it’s not for everybody.
Just like the motion controls! (Hey, could YOU come up with a better transition?) Now this is an issue I’m more ambivalent about, largely because the quality’s all over the place. On the one hand, the Wii-mote allows me to point at targets directly, allowing more accuracy with my ranged weapons. Always appreciated. On the other hand, waggle. Now there ARE contexts wherein the waggle contributes something meaningful. Waving your arms about when Link is a wolf helps you understand his animalistic side and…no, that’s really it. The rest of the time, it’s either a meaningless button press analog or it works as well as you’d expect Nintendo Wii launch game motion controls to work, which is to say they don’t work at all.
But strangely enough, I still like the combat. How is that, exactly? First, it’s because you get all of these cool toys to play with. Ball and chain! Spinner thing! That totally useless rod that you only use for one dungeon! But that’s not all! You also get fun situations in which to use them! Not entirely the normal enemies, though. There is enough cool stuff there to keep you going through the game, like horseback fights and those Zant heads near the end of the game, but Twilight Princess is all about the boss fights. These high tensity bouts of epic proportions that force you to remember what new weapon you got in this specific dungeon. Those are what make the game worth playing.
The world of Hyrule itself on the other hand, is just there. Now don’t get me wrong; there’s plenty of content to seek out in the world. But therein lies the problem: you must seek it out. Barely, if any of the content makes itself obvious to the player. What good are sidequests and mini-games and spiritual* skeleton wolves if the game itself does nothing to signal their very existence? What this leaves is a vast, empty world that is seemingly devoid of activity and takes forever to traverse. No wonder I just warped everywhere as soon as I was given the opportunity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UzBbhEldlA
But here to save the day are the dungeons, immune from criticism. I’ve seriously tried to find significant fault with them, but my efforts remain fruitless. These things contain all the item variety I mentioned earlier, but this time for puzzles instead of combat. Very well designed puzzles, I might add. Most of the time, you’re provided with all the information necessary to solve them. If anybody is at fault, it’s usually you for failing to pay careful enough attention to the level. But maybe that tone is too accusatory for the game I’m describing. In reality, Twilight Princess is easy enough that you will never be stuck for too long, but hard enough that you’ll still derive joy from progressing through the story. You know, this sounds a lot like the other three or so Zelda review I’ve written in the past. The only real differences seem to be the furry undertones and the cowboy shootout.
Review Synopsis
- This game looks horrifying…
- …reads idiotically…
- …but plays really, really well.
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