(I didn't know anuses could stretch like that!) I will ne'er forget such a horrific sight, and I hope you say the same of this blog. That's right: it's GOTY time yet again, wherein I tell you about all the cool shit I played this year, but with a dumb thematic twist. This time, it's you. Yes, you're a dumb thematic twist. Specifically, each section is dedicated to a single user on Giant Bomb. Are they writing their sections? Of course not! That would've been a pain to organize! They can do so in the comments, if they want, but I'll largely be doing the writing. Consider it a poorly written love letter to the users of this site.
But before we kick things off, a bit of a disclaimer: I'm going to look at almost all the games I've played in 2012 for this blog. I know that sounds weird, but keep in mind that in the past, I've been pretty clear that there's a huge distance between writing a blog and posting it. In fact, I began drafting this in November, and by now, I'm probably writing something about how....dumb? Yea, let's go with dumb. How dumb Psychonauts is. (Hope you like your shit storm, future King. *laughter*) So where am I going with this? Well, I'm gonna give you a preview, of sorts, of the games I'll be considering for this that you may not know of. I may or may not actually use them in the awards, but keep in mind that they were at least considered:
- Magical Diary & Barbie Super Model
- Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance & Ganbare Goemon 3: No Way I'm Typing Out the Full Subtitle
- Breath of Death VII: The Beginning & Final Fantasy Legend 2
- Assassin's Creed: Revelations & North and South
- Dear Esther & M.C. Kids
- Cogs & Money Puzzle Exchanger
- Penumbra: Overture & Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti
- BioShock & The Little Mermaid
- Hydrophobia: Prophecy & Marchen Adventure Cotton 100%
- Sonic Adventure & Punky Skunk
Now I'm going to limit this to games I've played before December, because I have to stop somewhere. Alright, are we good? Let's get on with the show.
TheAward for Game of the Year
(Never forget, man.) I'll never forget the day you were banned. That's probably because I never remembered it in the first place, but still: NEVER FORGET! Anyway, I'd say this was an all-around great year for games, at least on my end. BioShock, Radiant Historia, Persona 2, Tear Ring Saga, Xenoblade Chronicles, and, of course, the GOTY: Katawa Shoujo. What? Did that surprise you? I mean, there's a reason I've been hyping it up and down the site(adel) so much: it's the game that's had the strongest emotional impact on me. I'd dare you to name more realistic, engaging characters in a video game if:
A.) I knew I wouldn't get a smartass answer in the comments, and
B.) If I'd ever heard of the games you'd inevitably recommend. What's this Spec Ops shit? Come back when you have at least three lengthy Japanese words in the title.
Plus there's Kenji, who fits in so damn well with the category's namesake. Never forget.
The [THIS PART OF THE POST HAS BEEN DELETED BY A MODERATOR] Award for Worst Game of the Year
(What just happened?) Are the mods preemptively editing all my blogs? Odd that this is the only category they'd consider, given everything else going on with this blog. I'm assuming that [EDIT IN YOUR OWN NAME HERE, MODERATOR OF CHOICE] was awesome enough to leave in all the other stuff. Instead of properly thanking them, I will translate that all into bile toward some horrible game I have prepared. Now what game deserves all that hate? The Haunting? The Last Story? The ALF? Ooh, I know: I Wanna Be The Guy! What a hateful piece of shit that was! I sure am glad that that's past me forever. Never again will I let a game abuse me so horribly until tomorrow!
The "Whoever the hell is first to comment on this blog" Award for Most Average Game of the Year DAMN IT!
(That fucking asshole stole my post!) I still haven't gotten that quest. *sigh* Well, at least there's always next time. I mean, the quest system's gonna be around forever, right, you guys? Wait, this is about the GOTYs. Better get back on track with this thing.
Now this isn't your average GOTY blog. For instance, it has a billion more images. But more importantly, I'm going to do this all scientifically. The average score this year was a very sexy 6.9, which acts as a nice transition into the next category. But we must focus on the now. Which game gets it? Well, it's a tie between Zen Puzzle Garden and Densetsu no Stafy 2. But fuck Zen Puzzle Garden and everything associated with Lexaloffle Games. I couldn't be bothered to write about the game when I actually beat it, so why start now? Densetsu no Stafy 2 gets the award. (Fun fact: this is the exact same average as last year. Seems I'll never stop having such a dirty mind.)
TheAward for The Sexiest
(Sexiest what, you ask?) Just the sexiest. And what is the sexiest, you ask? Certainly not SexyToad. That's not an insult against SexyToad, but more a compliment to the epitome of manliness that is Tatsuya Suo. There's not a dry pair of pants in this entire blog. That includes me. I know that there are only five girls on this site and absolutely none of them read this blog, but I stand by what I say.
The @sonic_hedgehog Award for the Accidentally Best Game of the Year
(What?) What do you mean "there's no room for ironic appreciation in this blog"? Well, it's my feature, so I get to decide how things turn out. For instance: Dead Rising 2. There. That didn't even take me a lot of time to think up. The first game was so infamously terrible that it led to my only ever locked blog. Obviously, things weren't going in favor of this game actually being good, which is why it's so surprising that Dead Rising 2 is actually a decent game. Who thought that focusing on the combat above everything else would actually improve the game? Everyone. Everyone thought that, which is why Capcom did it. Special mention goes to Galerians for almost getting this award. Sadly, it forgot the "being good" part of the equation, condemning it to a life of relatively well-deserved obscurity.
TheAward for Most Compulsively Screenshotted Game
(Trust me: I will not treat Mr. Denton too well.) He'll learn not to....something. I don't remember why I kidnapped him; I just know that he is now in my clutches. None of this explains where this thing is going. You think it'd be an easy choice, since I know that Persona 2 took up the most screenshots this year. But this category's gonna be different. You see, unlike everyone else, I will let the namesake of this category decide which game gets it, from any game I have screenshotted this year, even if it was just once. Will you do the honors, ?
What a show!
TheAward for Best Girl Game
(I'm prepared to handle you, Animasta.) You think you can tangle with a Lunarian monarch? Hell, I can take you on while continuing this blog! Now that said, this is probably going to be the easiest category to consider out of all the others. I only have about six games to look at, and only two of them are any good: Magical Diary, in which I rub my body with butter for the Canadians; and Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure, in which my mom tells me that men like to fuck furries. I think it's obvious which game wins this:
Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure My Little Pony Crystal Princess: Runaway Rainbow. There has never been such a compelling character as can be seen in Tra La La.
The "Of Course I'd Put Myself Here" Award for Best Blog
(Because duh.) Like the general GOTY award above, this was a pretty good year for blogs. I'm pretty sure you know where this is going already. My Katawa Shoujo blog gets the award, but I'm not going to tell you why. I will someday, but not today. I can't make everything obvious to you. Speaking of which...
TheAward for Most GIF-Worthy Moment
(I know what you're all thinking right now.)
"What am I listening to, and can I charge it with sexual battery?" "How is this any different from the Mento award thing from before?" Well, I decided to limit this to specific events in a game, so the game itself isn't getting the award. Or something like that. Ask the past version of me about it or something. Now I'd like to give this award to some Katawa Shoujo butt-fuckin', but doing that with this music would certainly put me on some sort of government watchlist. I'd also love to give it to the Jack Frost conversations of Persona 2, and I almost did, but I remembered something better: My Time in Shimmeroiled. Never before have I seen so many dead dwarfs and existential terror in one place. Truly, I am a god among men.
TheAward for Best PC Game
(Surprisingly, that's one of two images in this blog I didn't make specifically for this feature.) The first was Jay's campaign poster, in case you're wondering. Now, I'd like to give this award to Might and Magic VII because I know ArbitraryWater's reading this and the conversation would inevitably turn that way, but as always, that game demands all of the screen space, making it difficult to do all the other things I do while playing a game. I'd also like to give this to Katawa Shoujo, but I told myself that I'd mostly limit this to one game per area. Trust me: if I didn't, we'd be swamped with Katawa Shoujo/Innocent Sin love.
So what gets the coveted award in what's likely the blandest category? BioShock! You may not know it, yet (assuming you skipped past the intro because look at the pretty pictures), but I've reignited quite the love affair with this game. Cool story, cool power ups, cool dead cats, c-FUCKING WHAT!? WHY DID YOU KILL THAT CAT, BIOSHOCK!?
TheAward for Best Use of Zombies
(Let's get it out of the way immediately: ZombiU isn't making the list.) It just seemed incredibly obvious. Plus I don't own a WiiU and have never touched one, so there was never a chance of it landing here. So what is making the list? Some Call of Duty game? I doubt it. BLOPS was just action movie bullshit, and while Modern Warfare 3 was fun action movie bullshit, I don't remember too many zombies from it. I'm also disqualifying survival horror games, because I can't say that they used zombies best when most of them aren't even remotely scary. So what game used zombies the best? Dead Rising 2, right?
The Award for I aM l
EfT oF y OuR mInD
(The boundaries of temporal existence mean nothing to me now.) I will not be, but I am. I shall forever am. ˙ʇsıxəs ʞɹɐp əɥʇ səsɐɹə ʇodɐəʇ pəddɐupıʞ əɥʇ ફેરવેલ, ખસેડવાની તાકાત.