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#1 Edited by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

I'm having a crisis of conscience, please help me out!

This has been bothering me for a while. One of my closest friends got togheter with this girl about a year ago. She's a cute and super nice girl, and generally the type of girl you bring home to meet the fam. Anyway, shortly after getting togheter with this girl, my buddy and my cousin left for a three month back packer trip. After this trip, he moved to basically the other side of the country, not to far away from where I'm currently studying.

Now, he's still with the girl, and he always tells me how great she is and stuff. But the thing that bothers me is that he always picks up random girls. He's been sleeping around both when he went on that trip, as well as after he's moved. He keeps justifying this with the fact that we're still young (we're 20), and we're supposed to experience life now. And I totally agree with him. But I think it's a dick move for him to have a girlfriend at the same time.

Like I said, he's one of my closest friends, so I would never tell on him. But now I just might have to. I've been home on christmas break for a while, and he set me up with a close friend of his girlfriend. One thing led to another, and now we're togheter, and that has left me in an awkward situation. She told me that his girlfriend was suspicious of his activities, and asked me if I knew anything about it. I of course told her that I didn't, and that he was a good guy and all that stuff.

When I had a chance to think about it, it really pissed me the fuck off. I don't see why I should have to lie to my girlfriend, just to keep his girlfriend from finding out about him. At the same time, it was him (and his girlfriend) who set me up with my girlfriend. Thing is, she's been on my radar for quite a bit, and she's way out of my league. If she's willing to be with a goof like me, she's got to have something special. I'm thinking there's actually a future with her. Basically, we're pretty serious, and I know I won't be sleeping around when I get back to where I'm living now. Fuck it.

So it boils down to this:

  • Keep lying to my girlfriend, and risk losing her.
  • Tell the truth about my friend, even though he was the one who set me up with her.

I'm having a tough time with this, and it's keeping me up at night. It's 6 in the AM, and I have slept a fucking second. Just been watching my girlfriend sleeping (sounds creepy), and thinking I really don't want to lose her, which is a possibility if I keep lying to her. At the same time, I don't want to lose my closest friend, because who knows how long I'll be togheter with his girl? I'm hoping for a long, long time...

If you've bothered to read this wall of text, and have some advice, then you're a saint! If you're just going to post something stupid, please don't. I'm at a fucking crossroads, and this is important to me.

#2 Posted by FunkasaurasRex (847 posts) -
#3 Posted by hwy_61 (922 posts) -

This is some Dawson's creek type shit.

Look, if you care more about this girl than your friend, go ahead and rat on him. It all depends on how much you value the friendship.

#4 Posted by Doctorchimp (4074 posts) -

Dude's a dick and you like your girl.

Just remember to lay down some backstory, and let her know. "hey i'm gonna tell you some terrible things cause we're together"

#5 Posted by Demoskinos (14769 posts) -

@FunkasaurasRex said:

#6 Posted by handlas (2675 posts) -

People suck. I say tell them both to F off.

Your welcome!

#7 Posted by Ravenlight (8040 posts) -

You should date someone else from the other side of the country at the same time. That would make everything even.

#8 Posted by Rainbowkisses (472 posts) -

@FunkasaurasRex: Now that's not very nice.

My best advice is if you get the chance talk to your male friend about what he's doing. If he's not willing to be honest about it himself then the best thing to do is be the bringer of bad news. It's not a very satisfying answer but I'm not sure if this problem has one.

#9 Posted by PeasantAbuse (5138 posts) -

Are you saying your friend and his girlfriend live on opposite sides of the country? You don't have to tell anyone anything, that relationship will disintegrate on its own.

#10 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@Doctorchimp: Believe me, I wish it was that easy. I know he comes off as a dick from what I'm writing, but he's not the stereotpycial asshole who cheats on his girlfriend. Went through a lot of shit while growing up. Both of us lost our fathers, and we were there for each other. All my life, it's been "bro's over hoes". But this time... It's different. I feel I actually might end up driving a fucking Volvo with this girl...

#11 Posted by Zomgfruitbunnies (767 posts) -

Oh, boy.

Do what you feel is right, and don't dwell on it too much. There is no objectively right or wrong answer here. Make a decision that you think you'll be able to accept and live with.

If things don't work out, then they don't work out. Life can be weird like that.

#12 Posted by hwy_61 (922 posts) -

What's wrong with Volvos?!

#13 Posted by Trainer_Red (314 posts) -

Snitches get stitches.

#14 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@PeasantAbuse: I don't know, it survived when they were on opposite sides of the world.

#15 Posted by kermoosh (911 posts) -

some people don't stay friends forever. i'm not saying to de-friend your buddy but it's clear that you two are at a crossroads and have differing viewpoints.

as far as i can tell from the limited knowledge you supplied, you seem very happy with your girlfriend and disappointed with your 'buddy', i think the choice is clear enough

just make sure you say it right so you don't get any flack from your gf

#16 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@hwy_61: That's code for saying I actually think this is the girl I'll end with up.

#17 Posted by Red (5994 posts) -

Give your friend an ultimatum, saying that if he doesn't tell his girlfriend about his douchebaggery then you will. Boom.

#18 Posted by hwy_61 (922 posts) -

@Legion_: I never thought of Volvos as chick cars. Huh.

#19 Posted by dr_mantas (1835 posts) -

None of this will matter. Do what you feel is the correct thing to do.

Talk to him about it. Tell him what your girlfriend asked. Tell him why you feel you should tell her.

Or not. Whatever.

#20 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@Rainbowkisses said:

@FunkasaurasRex: Now that's not very nice.

My best advice is if you get the chance talk to your male friend about what he's doing. If he's not willing to be honest about it himself then the best thing to do is be the bringer of bad news. It's not a very satisfying answer but I'm not sure if this problem has one.

There's wisdom in your words, fat Nathan Drake.

#21 Posted by Joeyoe31 (820 posts) -

@Red said:

Give your friend an ultimatum, saying that if he doesn't tell his girlfriend about his douchebaggery then you will. Boom.

I'm all about this.

#22 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@hwy_61: Not chick cars, but family cars. Yeah, that's how much I like her.

#23 Posted by hwy_61 (922 posts) -

@Legion_: When I think family vehicle, I think minivan. Nothing says I've settled down more than a big fat minivan.

#24 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@hwy_61: I'm european. Minivans aren't really a thing where I come from. But hey, I see your point.

#25 Posted by believer258 (11800 posts) -

This is a great opportunity to use this image I found a little while ago:

...all right, all right!

Tell your friend that cheating is wrong and that he should man up and apologize. After approximately five whole seconds of thinking, that seems like the best course of action... if your friend actually does that.

#26 Posted by Subjugation (4720 posts) -

@PeasantAbuse said:

Are you saying your friend and his girlfriend live on opposite sides of the country? You don't have to tell anyone anything, that relationship will disintegrate on its own.

So much truth in this statement.

But really man, be careful. You are all starry-eyed over this girl that you met over this break? The night is young and as much as you may want to believe otherwise, you don't know jack about who she is or if there is a "future", you know? It sounds harsh, but it's true.

You need to determine which relationship is more important to you if you truly believe that one or the other will be negatively affected no matter what. Who do you think will be more important to you/be around longer? Don't get the wrong impression; I'm not trying to make a "bros before hos" statement here. In my experience a lot of friendships tend to kind of fizzle when everyone goes their separate ways (like to college) so don't write off the girl.

Now, for my non-diplomatic opinion, the dude made his bed so now he gets to sleep in it. If he wasn't sleeping around then he wouldn't be in trouble. He can't blame you for his actions so if you feel you absolutely have to act one way or the other, I would personally not lie to the girl. What has she done to deserve being lied to? Also, that kind of stuff eventually catches back up to you, so don't lie if you don't have to. Good luck making your decision.

#27 Posted by hwy_61 (922 posts) -

@Legion_: Ahhh, that explains Volvos then. You probably see a lot more there than I do here in Chicago.

#28 Posted by BraveToaster (12590 posts) -

If your friend really wants to experience life, now is a good time for him to experience the aspect of life known as "honesty".

#29 Posted by Vinny_Says (5700 posts) -

sorry man, your girlfriend is only there to get you to snitch. As soon as you do you can say bye bye to her and so can your brother (to his girldfriend).

#30 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@Subjugation: You might onto something, friend. That being said though, I have known this girl for quite a while. She's actually the younger sister of my brother ex. Man, this is sounding like an episode of One Tree Hill... My friend was a super good wingman when I first started talking with her, and he got his girlfriend to put in more than one good word for me. I owe him a lot. Shit. Right now, I'm not feeling good.

#31 Posted by WilliamHenry (1202 posts) -

@Subjugation said:

But really man, be careful. You are all starry-eyed over this girl that you met over this break? The night is young and as much as you may want to believe otherwise, you don't know jack about who she is or if there is a "future", you know? It sounds harsh, but it's true.

Can't believe it took someone this long to say this. You've been seeing this girl for what, a month at the most and are thinking of spending the rest of your life with her? I know the courting stage is one of the best parts of a relationship, but don't jump the gun. You barely know each other, at least in an intimate sense. Don't risk losing a lifelong friend because you're feeling butterflies of a new relationship. Don't be that guy.

Besides, like Subjucation said, long distance relationships usually sort themselves out. They're both young and on opposite sides of the country. Dude obviously isn't that serious about the relationship if he's sleeping with a bunch of other girls. It will sort itself out. Don't rat him out. At the least, give your new relationship a few months before talking to your friend about this.

#32 Posted by the_OFFICIAL_jAPanese_teaBAG (4308 posts) -

Well dont be the one to tell her or anyone.  Its their business and everything so you should let it be.  Its not like this relationship seems serious anyway and please dont be a snitch.  

#33 Posted by Trainer_Red (314 posts) -

@Legion_ said:

@Rainbowkisses said:

@FunkasaurasRex: Now that's not very nice.

My best advice is if you get the chance talk to your male friend about what he's doing. If he's not willing to be honest about it himself then the best thing to do is be the bringer of bad news. It's not a very satisfying answer but I'm not sure if this problem has one.

There's wisdom in your words, fat Nathan Drake.

Hey! Leave Fat Nathan Drake alone you cold hard soulless bastard!

#34 Posted by Aegon (5496 posts) -

@Legion_ said:

@Doctorchimp: Believe me, I wish it was that easy. I know he comes off as a dick from what I'm writing, but he's not the stereotpycial asshole who cheats on his girlfriend. Went through a lot of shit while growing up. Both of us lost our fathers, and we were there for each other. All my life, it's been "bro's over hoes". But this time... It's different. I feel I actually might end up driving a fucking Volvo with this girl...

Is that a boy meets world reference?

#35 Edited by TruthTellah (8794 posts) -

@Legion_: Most people who cheat on their significant others aren't stereotypical assholes; they're just normal people who happen to be doing a particularly asshole-ish thing. So, while you say it isn't just as cut and dry as him being some asshole, remember that he is indeed doing an underhanded and asshole-ish thing which you are rightfully disturbed about.

Ultimately, it's up to you on what you believe is the best course, but I'll say this. You don't want to be in a relationship where, right out of the gate, you're already lying to the other person. And, as far as your friend goes, no real friend should expect you to have to cover up their continued misbehavior or deceive someone you're with.

No matter how nice he is or ever has been, he is currently continuing on a path of dishonesty and distrust, and I would question whether he truly deserves your friendship when his faithfulness and honesty are in such disrepair. That you are considering loyalty to a man who is continuously showing himself to be disloyal is perhaps a credit to your character, but it may be misplaced.

#36 Edited by NTM (7340 posts) -

Well he has a girlfriend. He shouldn't have gotten into a relationship if he was planning on sleeping around. Fuck him, I'd tell that girl, and I'd certainly express my thoughts to my girlfriend if I were you. He has no justification for such a thing. I'm sure his girlfriend didn't sign up to be with someone that sleeps with other women. Your friend's a prick man. He's either well aware and just a pathetic person, or he needs to be set straight because he's illiterate in the ways things work.

Furthermore, if I were you, I'd make a new friend. You know what's right, otherwise you wouldn't have asked. This is the adjudication, being in a relationship means no other women, or it's not a relationship. The other verdict is that you really need to ditch your friend if this is the way his viewpoints in life are, or are going to be from here on out. If you want to stay friends with him, you need to be collected and confident in your morals; be outspoken and get it across to him that what he's doing is wrong; if he has a problem with it, then you know you're not hanging out with the right person.

Oh, and you made a mistake in lying to your girlfriend in the first place. Once she finds out, it'll be on you.

#37 Posted by UlquioKani (1045 posts) -

Confront your friend and call him out on his shit, If he doesn't, then you need to get your girlfriend to catch him in the act. Just show up where he does his business and boom. This way, you don't look like a snitch(In this case, even if you were to snitch, I wouldn't have anything against you) and you get to keep your girlfriend.

Alternatively, you could give your bro's girlfriend the information directly.

I don't think Bros Before Hos applies here.

#38 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@Aegon: Maybe. If it is, it's because I have no idea what that is.

#39 Posted by Lifestrike (482 posts) -

From this point henceforth, "A British Tar" (from the musical, HMS Pinafore) will be my default advice for any relationship thread.

#40 Posted by Joeybagad0nutz (1438 posts) -

That is one fucked situation, man.... Bro's before hoe's?

#41 Edited by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

Nevermind. That wouldn't work.

#42 Posted by Hunter5024 (5617 posts) -

I feel like it's always best to just mind your own business in situations like this. If you tell on your friend, you'll almost certainly mess up that friendship, and you'll probably get in trouble for lying to your girlfriend in the first place, really the only upside is that you won't feel guilty about the dishonesty. Whereas if you keep quiet you won't piss off your friend, and even if the whole thing does come to light, you can always deny you knew anything about it. Not particularly honest, but really the only thing honesty will earn you in this situation is four people who are all pissed off at each other. Besides, this problem will likely resolve itself very soon, an unfaithful long distance relationship involving 20 year olds is doomed to failure.

#43 Posted by csl316 (8445 posts) -

Togheter is spelled together.
 
Sleeping around is never justified.  But that's all the advice I got.

#44 Posted by Animasta (14673 posts) -

call his girlfriend and tell her that she should cheat on him too to get back at him.

IT'S PERFECT.

#45 Edited by TruthTellah (8794 posts) -

@Legion_: Wait, but UlquioKani's catch him in the act idea is horribly misguided. Why would you make this even more like some awful television drama? Really? Conspiring with your friend's girlfriend to catch him in the act? That's a horrible season finale on Lifetime.

Just listen to that first part of what UlquioKani said. Confront him on his bullshit and explain that, unlike him, you can't just lie to your girlfriend. If he doesn't agree to tell her, don't go hatching some ridiculous plan that will just end up blowing up in your face. You've already lied to your girlfriend and said you don't know of anything going on; why make things even worse? You're not having your cake and eating it too. You're already in negative territory here. The best you can do is try to rectify the situation, not just try to weasel out of it.

Don't be like your friend. There's already enough deceit in all of this.

#46 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@TruthTellah: I might have been a little fast on the trigger. It sounded fucking bulletproof for the first ten seconds. Now it just sounds stupid. I think the best thing I can do for now is just to focus on my own relationship. I won't tell my girlfriend what I know, but I won't lie if she asks. I'm not that kind of guy. Or at the very least, I don't want to be that kind of guy. A man has to have a code, and now I'm going to start living up to mine. You truly are the tellah of truth.

#47 Edited by UlquioKani (1045 posts) -

@TruthTellah said:

@Legion_: Wait, but UlquioKani's catch him in the act idea is horribly misguided. Why would you make this even more like some awful television drama? Really? Conspiring with your friend's girlfriend to catch him in the act? That's a horrible season finale on Lifetime.

Just listen to that first part of what UlquioKani said. Confront him on his bullshit and explain that, unlike him, you can't just lie to your girlfriend. If he doesn't agree to tell her, don't go hatching some ridiculous plan that will just end up blowing up in your face. You've already lied to your girlfriend and said you don't know of anything going on; why make things even worse? You're not having your cake and eating it too. You're already in negative territory here. The best you can do is try to rectify the situation, not just try to weasel out of it.

Don't be like your friend. There's already enough deceit in all of this.

You misunderstand. He doesn't need to conspire with his girlfriend, he just needs to go with his girlfriend to wherever his friend is being unfaithful(like a bar) and have his(Legion's) girlfriend catch him. But you're right, you advice is less likely to explode in his face. I would expect nothing less of TruthTellah

@Legion_: It's early and I'm half asleep and I really shouldn't have replied to you in this condition. I don't want to sabotage your relationship. Sorry

#48 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -
#49 Posted by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@TheDudeOfGaming: Damn it. I did make that commitment a years back. I'm always to follow the teachings of Michael Scott. Now this became even more complicated!

#50 Edited by Legion_ (1270 posts) -

@UlquioKani: Take it easy man. Every suggestion is appriciated.

...

Well, not every. But you see what I'm getting at.