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Posted by Taka (202 posts) -

So...tomorrow is the day. My girlfriend will break up with me. I'm 100% sure.

To fully explain this situation i would be writing for the next two hours because 7 years dont just suddenly end without a long and complicated story and many mistakes on both sides. But i will try to hit the important parts:

It's been over a year after my last blog post and things havent quite turned out as i wanted... From the day we moved together things got harder and our whole relationship became a lot toughter. More fights, more arguments, but also inbetween more intimate and closer. I started to loose my need for "being alone" a whole lot and began to enjoy her close everyday company. It took some time and tears...but now it's seems it came to late.

Right from the start of us moving together i got pretty distand torwards her, cause i thought i was not ready. After the first few months, which were incredibly hard for her, she almost broke up with me in March. But i got my shit together and started to change...for her and our relationship. But like i said it seems like my efforts were too late.

I think she doesnt love me anymore. At least not enough to be together with me. Something broke in our relationship within the first 6 very hard months of us moving together: She cried often and i was too selfish and couldnt handle her sadness and needs. And now that i am like she always wanted me to be (her words) she cant fully commit to our relationship anymore. She is convinced i will change back to my old self as soon as she opens up again. And i cant do anything to show her that thats not gonna happen. The close i get to her and show her how much i love her, the more she moves away from me. But if i move away to leave her room, she starts to believe i'm back to my old self from the time we moved together.

My whole life is turned upside down right now. After 7 years she is almost gone and today i got a very good job offer after 3 years of unemployment that i need to move to another city for. And i cant even tell her about it and see her proud and happy face. I dont know what to do. I want this job but im scared to take this new and hard path without her by my side....

I really do love her, but i'm also very used to her and afraid to be alone...

And now i'm sitting here in our appartment, afraid to go to bed cause tomorrow she will come over (she is sleeping at her parents for a week now) because she wanted to talk for one last time.

Like last time i just wanted to get this of my chest. But last time i got so many good responses and feedback that i wanted to try this again.

Thanks to anyone who cares

Taka

Update 1: http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/after-7-years-my-gf-is-going-to-break-up-with-me-tomorrow-morning/570563/?page=3

Update 2: http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/after-7-years-my-gf-is-going-to-break-up-with-me-tomorrow-morning/570563/?page=5

#1 Edited by Taka (202 posts) -

So...tomorrow is the day. My girlfriend will break up with me. I'm 100% sure.

To fully explain this situation i would be writing for the next two hours because 7 years dont just suddenly end without a long and complicated story and many mistakes on both sides. But i will try to hit the important parts:

It's been over a year after my last blog post and things havent quite turned out as i wanted... From the day we moved together things got harder and our whole relationship became a lot toughter. More fights, more arguments, but also inbetween more intimate and closer. I started to loose my need for "being alone" a whole lot and began to enjoy her close everyday company. It took some time and tears...but now it's seems it came to late.

Right from the start of us moving together i got pretty distand torwards her, cause i thought i was not ready. After the first few months, which were incredibly hard for her, she almost broke up with me in March. But i got my shit together and started to change...for her and our relationship. But like i said it seems like my efforts were too late.

I think she doesnt love me anymore. At least not enough to be together with me. Something broke in our relationship within the first 6 very hard months of us moving together: She cried often and i was too selfish and couldnt handle her sadness and needs. And now that i am like she always wanted me to be (her words) she cant fully commit to our relationship anymore. She is convinced i will change back to my old self as soon as she opens up again. And i cant do anything to show her that thats not gonna happen. The close i get to her and show her how much i love her, the more she moves away from me. But if i move away to leave her room, she starts to believe i'm back to my old self from the time we moved together.

My whole life is turned upside down right now. After 7 years she is almost gone and today i got a very good job offer after 3 years of unemployment that i need to move to another city for. And i cant even tell her about it and see her proud and happy face. I dont know what to do. I want this job but im scared to take this new and hard path without her by my side....

I really do love her, but i'm also very used to her and afraid to be alone...

And now i'm sitting here in our appartment, afraid to go to bed cause tomorrow she will come over (she is sleeping at her parents for a week now) because she wanted to talk for one last time.

Like last time i just wanted to get this of my chest. But last time i got so many good responses and feedback that i wanted to try this again.

Thanks to anyone who cares

Taka

Update 1: http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/after-7-years-my-gf-is-going-to-break-up-with-me-tomorrow-morning/570563/?page=3

Update 2: http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/after-7-years-my-gf-is-going-to-break-up-with-me-tomorrow-morning/570563/?page=5

#2 Posted by DriveupLife (918 posts) -

Sneak out of the office early, turn off your answering machine, and you should be home free.

#3 Posted by Marz (5658 posts) -

yeah take the job.

#4 Posted by Oldirtybearon (4847 posts) -

I feel for you, man. A relationship that lasts that long and then to have it end? Makes it all feel pointless. Like all that effort was for nothing.

That said, you need to talk to her about this, man. I know you're scared of what she might say, but you need to know where everything stands. Walking on egg shells all day isn't good, and will only lead to deeper disappointment and even resentment if she finally does leave you.

Aside from that, I don't know what else to say. I hope you come through this okay.

#5 Edited by ArtisanBreads (3882 posts) -

@Marz said:

yeah take the job.

and a fresh start.

It will certainly be hard but you have to face reality and making a change like that is the best way for you to force yourself to do so.

Otherwise you can get caught up in trying to revive something that is not the same anymore. I've been there. You have to be honest with yourself and if someone has changed how they feel or act... it's something you can't control and you need to face that.

The move would help, in my opinion. Focus on yourself for a while.

@Oldirtybearon said:

I feel for you, man. A relationship that lasts that long and then to have it end? Makes it all feel pointless. Like all that effort was for nothing.

That said, you need to talk to her about this, man. I know you're scared of what she might say, but you need to know where everything stands. Walking on egg shells all day isn't good, and will only lead to deeper disappointment and even resentment if she finally does leave you.

Aside from that, I don't know what else to say. I hope you come through this okay.

I think he's right here, you should definitely just do the band-aid move and get it out there. It'll be for the best.

And it may seems pointless and honestly it is in a way... but you have to take positives out of it. There must have been good time there, and that's something, and hopefully you learned something you can improve on. Seems like you have commitment or support issues? Not being critical, I've had to face the same thing.

I "wasted" a lot of time on someone that didn't work out. But I've taken from it how good a relationship can be and what to look for there and how to better handle myself when I find the right person. I made those kind of mistakes too.

Best of luck.

#6 Posted by GentlemanlyGentleman (320 posts) -

I have absolutely no idea what to say, so I'll keep it simple.

Whatever happens and whatever you choose to do. Good luck to you sir.

#7 Posted by dagas (2864 posts) -

That sucks. Not much to say except that maybe she was not the one.

How come you were not ready to live with her when she moved in? Was it something you knew you were not ready for or something you realized after she moved in? My girlfriend is moving in soon and I cannot imagine not wanting that. How old where you? I can understand if it happened when you were too young. We are in our mid to late 20's and both feel like the single life is over, that part of our lives are done with. But some people prefer to stick to that part for longer even all their lives. From what it sounds like you really were not ready for that part of your life to end and that is why you were cold to her the first 6 months. I think it is important to find someone who want the same things and in the same pace. I hope things turn out well for you, eather you manage to keep together or if you'll find someone more compatible.

#8 Posted by crow13 (144 posts) -

Yep what they said. One day at a time and before you know it you will look back and see how big of a challenge you over came and be a better person for it.

#9 Posted by wjb (1674 posts) -

Take the job. Removing yourself from familiar surroundings will help and force you to adapt and move on. Besides, you've been unemployed for a while; that had to be a strain, unless you simply mean unemployed as in "don't have a job in your field".

#10 Posted by oraknabo (1501 posts) -

@Taka said:

And now that i am like she always wanted me to be (her words) she cant fully commit to our relationship anymore. She is convinced i will change back to my old self as soon as she opens up again.

It sounds more like she liked the project of fixing you and now that she's succeeded, she wants to move on to someone with more problems. I have seen this before from both sides.

#11 Posted by Klei (1768 posts) -

I will give you one piece of advice, as I went through the same problem. Your life and your relationship with a girlfriend are not the same thing. Your life won't end unless you try to destroy yourself. So, concentrate on making sure that you don't get yourself destroyed in the process and that you reach enough help to get you through. Friends, family, etc. It will be hard, long and painful, but in the end, time heals everything. Also, remember, your life doesn't end there. It's just the end of a phase.

#12 Posted by ArtisanBreads (3882 posts) -

@oraknabo said:

@Taka said:

And now that i am like she always wanted me to be (her words) she cant fully commit to our relationship anymore. She is convinced i will change back to my old self as soon as she opens up again.

It sounds more like she liked the project of fixing you and now that she's succeeded, she wants to move on to someone with more problems. I have seen this before from both sides.

hmm... yeah that's a pretty messed up thing to say. Didn't catch it before.

#13 Posted by dagas (2864 posts) -

@Oldirtybearon said:

I feel for you, man. A relationship that lasts that long and then to have it end? Makes it all feel pointless. Like all that effort was for nothing.

That said, you need to talk to her about this, man. I know you're scared of what she might say, but you need to know where everything stands. Walking on egg shells all day isn't good, and will only lead to deeper disappointment and even resentment if she finally does leave you.

Aside from that, I don't know what else to say. I hope you come through this okay.

I would say that if it felt like an effort and the time seems wasted then it was already doomed to fail. Of course it is a huge blow if you planned a life together forever and then all those plans are ruined, but it should have been good while it lasted. Of course you need some effort in a relationship but it should be like polishing the ship to keep it shining, not like you have been working hard to cover up holes in the ship to prevent it from sinking all the time. At least that is how I feel about it.

#14 Posted by xMEGADETHxSLY (446 posts) -

You do it first, just stop talking to her and ignore anything she does. Just fade her out of your life.

YOU DRAW FIRST BLOOD (METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING)

#15 Posted by vikingdeath1 (982 posts) -

Sounds rough duder, but take the job. New beginnings and all that.

Hope things turn out well, Best of luck.

#16 Posted by Astromarine (77 posts) -

@oraknabo: How about the OP is man enough to admit to his mistakes and get to a place where he understands himself better, and you should just support him instead of doing the usual internet douchebag thing of blaming the woman? How about that?

OP, take the job. you two were wrong for each other, that's sad but each of you now needs to do what's best for your lives. Tell her you're taking it, ask her if she is willing to try a fresh start with you somewhere else. If she is, great, CRISIS AVERTED. If not, say your goodbyes and move on.

#17 Posted by iGooner7 (136 posts) -

Sorry mate but with all due respect she got issues

I mean why cant she just accept you for who you are?

Be strong even if you really love her! Show her that you got dignity and balls!

you arent her dog if you know what I mean. She either accept you for who you are or move on mate!

Goodluck

#18 Posted by medacris (666 posts) -

Think about what you want to say just in case, and then breathe a sigh of relief on the off chance you are just worrying for nothing.

Maybe explaining to her that not being ready to make the next step in your relationship doesn't mean you don't love her. Maybe you need a little more time to get things sorted out first.

#19 Posted by Liquidus (946 posts) -

@Astromarine:This sounds like the right step. Either way, Taka, you come out of this a little better.

#20 Posted by GalacticPunt (1075 posts) -

Well peace be with you, and all that. There is no way for the ending of a long relationship NOT to feel terrible.

But you have a great silver lining that most of us don't get: a fresh start in a new town. You've just achieved gainful employment in a new setting, with new things to meet and people to do (heh).

I know parts of this are going to suck, but try to leave as much of the emotional baggage behind as possible. Let what you've been through the past few years inform the next adventure, not hang over it like a shroud!

#21 Posted by TheHumanDove (2523 posts) -

Touch her shoulder bro!

#22 Posted by Ghostiet (5289 posts) -

Tell her about the job and ask her if she's willing to take a fresh shot at this. If she says "yes", maybe it will be the thing that'll breathe a new life into you relationship. If she declines, at least you'll make the conversation and break-up a bit less awkward.

Whatever the case, best of luck to both of you.

#23 Posted by JohnstonThistle (42 posts) -

Unlucky, but you get what you deserve.

#24 Posted by Alexandru (301 posts) -

Thats why I go for prostitutes...

#25 Posted by abara (228 posts) -

sending my condolences to a fellow bob

#26 Posted by Jimbo (9863 posts) -

She is guilt-tripping the fuck out of you. Call her bluff on that shit, break up tonight and take the job. Sounds like she needs some time to realise that not everything is your fault and that she should maybe look at herself a tiny bit. She'll be calling you up wanting to get back together by New Year's.

Or not. Either way, you can't keep changing who you are to try and please somebody else. You can change if you want to, but it has to come from yourself and be genuine, not just playing some role somebody in your life wants or needs you to play.

It's worth trying to stay friends if you can though, just to keep the memories in the 'Good Memories' column.

#27 Posted by xaLieNxGrEyx (2605 posts) -

No Giantbomb Relationship hotline pic on front page? Giantbomb I am disappoint.

#28 Posted by jakob187 (21690 posts) -

That's rough to hear, man. It always sucks to hear that the possibility of happiness could go downhill. Hope all turns out well.

#29 Posted by Fallen189 (5033 posts) -

I had similar problems a while ago. I developed incredibly self destructive behaviour because of it, which I can not recommend, as if you let it destroy you, it totally will do. 
 
Theres not much to say to you at the moment though. Come back once you've started to deal with it a bit and you'll be able to think a lot more clearly. 
 
My thoughts and condolences are with you friend. If for some reason you want to talk to a stranger, PM me or something, and I'll tell you how I got over it. 

#30 Posted by Oldirtybearon (4847 posts) -

@xaLieNxGrEyx said:

No Giantbomb Relationship hotline pic on front page? Giantbomb I am disappoint.

probably because it's more of a serious issue than some teenager with braces wondering how to impress the girl sitting next to him in English.

#31 Posted by TyCobb (1972 posts) -

Take the job. It seems like there is just too much between you two that will allow for a healthy relationship. You may want to stay together, but unfortunately it sounds like she has made up her mind and a lot of times there is just no going back. Especially when she has had time to think long and hard about this.

Sorry to hear this, but at least it sounds like things will start to pick up for you with the new job.

#32 Posted by Sin4profit (2948 posts) -

Love not the people but the moments two people can share...relationships will make more sense when you do.

I'm on team, "fresh start".

#33 Posted by TheHBK (5506 posts) -

At least you are man enough to admit you fucked it all up, but after 7 years, if that is how you acted toward her when she moved in, man what a piece of trash you must still be and she should have left after 6 months with you. But cheer up, just remember this piece of advice.

#34 Posted by Lord_Xp (602 posts) -

This scares me because my girlfriend of over a year now wants me to move out with her within the next couple of years. But I hope the best for you and that everything works out for the better.

#35 Posted by SuperCycle (333 posts) -

Tell her about the new job and ask her to move to the new city with you for a fresh start. If she agrees next time don't be a dick to her. I wouldn't want to give up on a 7 year relationship without at least trying to fix things, at least not if I still felt something for her. If she does break up with you, you've still got to take the job. 3 years of unemployment doesn't have the luxury of saying no, plus moving to a new city after a break up might help you put that chapter of your life behind you.

#36 Posted by damnboyadvance (4061 posts) -

The worst part is that you've been together for so long, and it might all end like that. I'm sorry bro. I don't want to even imagine how terrible you must feel right now.

#37 Posted by Little_Socrates (5683 posts) -

Well, you seem settled into taking this job. It's terrifying, but if being with her isn't making you happy, and you otherwise don't have any reason to stay where you are, then I say you move and take it. You decide whether you want to break up or try to make it work; you don't have to offer her the chance to move with you if you think you'd be happier trying to get a better start.

Break-ups are never fun. But they're necessary, and you'll pull through.

...not sure whether to reference Catherine or Annie Hall at this point, though.

#38 Posted by TheHT (11507 posts) -

Good luck sirrah!

Don't waste your time if it's not worth it.

If it's worth it, don't let it end so easy.

#39 Posted by clumsyninja1 (817 posts) -

Man up, duder. Money come first, then there are the ladies... Also, you can go to a bar.

#40 Posted by Raven10 (1845 posts) -

Well maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but if you really love her then fight for her. People these days give up on relationships at the first sign that things are falling apart. If you truly connect, truly feel like you get her and she is the one then don't just pack up and leave. Go the extra mile. If you've been with her for seven years then hopefully you know about something she really loves. Do something for her that shows your commitment. Saying you love her and are committed is easy. Actually doing something insanely romantic isn't. Do something that isn't about money. Something that shows you put time and thought into it. A lot of time and thought. Like a hell of a lot. I don't know what your talents are, but write and record a song, make her a short movie, design her a personal app or game, craft some sort of item you know she loves. I'll just give an example from my life. So the girl I love is a huge fan of Joss Whedon TV shows. Now I could have just bought her something related to those shows, but instead I talked to an artist friend of mine and a composer friend of mine and got some assets and am making her an interactive card that will have her favorite characters recite her favorite quotes. When she clicks through all the quotes for a specific character I'm going to display part of a poem I wrote for her, and once she's seen everything, I am going to play the song Rose of My Heart which I will personally record. I'm going to put the app straight on my website so she knows I want the world to see I care. All it cost me to make was my time and a game I gave the artist that was $15. But I spent the time to program an app from scratch with completely original art and audio, write a poem, and record a song.

So point is, there are things you can do if you want to get your girl back. You may have to put in a huge amount of effort to convince her you love her. But I don't really believe that loves dies. Infatuation dies. Do you love her for all that she is? If so then don't just give up. Take the new job but make it worth her while to come with you. If that sounds like too much effort to you then it isn't worth it and you should end it. If you would really do anything to keep her then do anything.

#41 Posted by xdaknightx69 (450 posts) -

take the job and move on, in the long run you will be happy, i have been through something similar and i know its really hard right now but things will and do get better.

#42 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4416 posts) -

How can I be mad for seeing another Bob Ross avatar after reading this? That seriously must suck man, sorry. Like the others have said you gotta try moving on.

#43 Posted by cmpLtNOOb (196 posts) -

Take the job NO MATTER WHAT, DON'T BE UNEMPLOYED ANYMORE. MONEY SOLVES EVERYTHING.

Ok not really, but having some income will always improve your situation if you've got nothing coming in right now.

As for your girlfriend. Does she know everything you just told us in your post? If not, she should, she should know what you were feeling when you acted that way, maybe that full disclosure will make her open to trying again or at least talking, if that is what you are after. Honesty can always be good, even if it is painful.

If you really want to stay with her, you need to be honest with each other about how the situation came to be the way it is right now and how to move forward. If you do that and it still isn't working, maybe it was just never going to work, that happens sometimes. In that case, move to that new city, take that job, and start over. You'll probably be in "it can't get any worse than this" mode for a little while, but you'll pull through. Because all of us on this site are awesome people, and we'll most likely still be here to support and make snarky comments about you if you feel like total shit after whatever happens.

But seriously, take the job.

#44 Posted by fiberpay (282 posts) -

There are plenty of fish in the sea, take the job. There have been millions of people who think they love someone then they break up and move on and love again. 3 Years of unemployment is hard both on the relationship and the individual, if a good job opportunity comes along take it, everything else will then fall into place.

#45 Posted by FesteringNeon (2164 posts) -

This sounds like almost the exact thing that happened to me 3 years ago. Trust me, it'll get better with time. It's very hard, and being alone is tough. Just don't shell yourself, and surround you with people who know and understand you. Keep them always around. The more you get lost inside your head, the more you'll keep playing only the good times with her. While at the time I would have given anything to get back together, we knew that we grew apart for a reason. I'm not entirely happy with not meeting anyone since her, but I know it'll come, and you should know the same. My ex and I tried the friends thing, and it didn't really work out for us.. it was just too weird, but I'm glad I had a chance to at least put things to rest the last time we talked. I feel better knowing we both made the right decision, and have moved on fully since then. Just remember, take a little time, but get right back into dating. Once you meet someone else fond of you, it'll get much easier to see the flaws in your last relationship.

#46 Posted by procrasturbate (277 posts) -

Sounds like she's "moved" on bro. Get out NOW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRB5mzFm0Iw

#47 Posted by CaptainCody (1508 posts) -

Good luck to you in your endeavors. But, to be fair, it's hard to make assessments with such little information about the relationship and its hard to say if you're the dick for being selfish or what she was asking of you was absurd or not. To an extent you can't say you had it coming if that was the case. At least with the new job you don't need to try and fix something that's already broken. Take your newfound changes and job and woo some ladies out their with a stronger mindset!

#48 Posted by Taka (202 posts) -

Your guys are amazing...seriously.

I'm sitting here, crying, while reading this much support and unterstanding from all of you. And we havent even met...

Sorry i cant adress any of the many questions you guy had, but most of you were spot on anyway with the stuff you said. I really dont know what to say to all of you except for: "Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart!"

It is true...i should take this job. These last 3 years of unemploymend and getting my applications rejected one after another...my self esteem was (and kinda is) incredibly low. And this affected my relationship quite a bit. If the relationship to my gf was alright i felt good, if not (which it was for most of the time) i felt like shit and the whole world was against me while I am alone.

I even started with a psychotherapy (my gf too) to get rid of some of my issues within our relationship... and sometimes i asked myself: "Is this how a relationship should be?"

said something that i still have in my mind since i read it: "A relationship should be like polishing the ship to keep it shining, not like you have been working hard to cover up holes in the ship to prevent it from sinking all the time." I think this sums up the last 15 Months pretty good. She's comming over in an hour and i'm really scared for this moment when she sits across the table and starts talking. The reasons why i'm scared should be obvious...except for one thing. After reading all of you guys telling me to get the job and move away, i got scared in a totally different way: What if she comes over and wants to try it again? She will defenitly not move with me cause she got a very good job right here. This relationship will especially not work when I'm working 9 hours/day + 2 hours commute(when i keep living together with her). But i dont know if i'm strong enough right now to tell her that im taking the job no matter what. This is an incredible opportunity, but there is such a huge hole in my chest....such an emptyness that only she can fill right now... I'm 29 and worked for 7 years on this relationship...i'm scared to not find someone like her again. And all this work....was it for nothing if in the end it didnt help?

And my brain knows what the right thing to do is, but my heart...part of me now kinda hopes she makes it easy for me and breaks up...and the other part is shaking from sadness while even writing this sentence...

I just now one thing 100% sure: "The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air."

Thank you again for all of your support...really... thank you

The GB-Community must be the most amazing set of random strangers that anyone can find on the internet.

Taka

#49 Posted by joey (985 posts) -

@DriveupLife said:

Sneak out of the office early, turn off your answering machine, and you should be home free.

Fuckin' A, man.

#50 Posted by JustinNotJason (422 posts) -

This may be the most generic advice in the world, but sometimes simplicity is best:

You are the man you choose to be, and sometimes it's best to just lay all your cards on the table.

Figure out for yourself what you want, and tell her. If she wants that too, then it is meant to be. If she does not, you're better off knowing now.