That sucks. Sorry to hear that man, especially the way you seem to have been ambushed about it. I've never been in a committed relationship, so I can't give you any advice about dating, family stuff, or your kids.
I can give you some general advice about the process, seeing as how I (very briefly) did divorce work coming out of law school.
1. Find a good lawyer
That probably sounds disingenuous and self-serving coming from a lawyer, but it's true. I know the temptation will be to just get through this quickly and cheaply in order to "put it behind you," especially if you're in a state that allows parties to easily do a pro-se or "quickie" divorce, but I really think that's a mistake. Keep in mind that when you finish the divorce, you're going to come out of the process with a Final Order that is going to bind you to doing or not doing certain things going forward (e.g. pay child support, maintain kids on insurance policies, etc.).
Where people get into trouble with these "self-help" options is that they don't always understand the significance of what they are agreeing to on rote state-provided forms, and don't have the first clue about the judicial process that goes hand in hand with it. That in turn leads to a Final Order that the parties don't really understand and might even be impossible for them to follow. That leads to more litigation and cost and bitterness down the line as everyone then fights about how to restructure the order. A lawyer is not only going to be able to explain the process so you understand it, but can also guide you towards a Final Order you can actually live with and follow.
Now, obviously, what makes a "good lawyer" is somewhat of a subjective definition that varies based on what you can afford, your personality type, whether and what type of lawyer your wife has hired, etc. That said, you should find one that you feel comfortable with and meets your needs. Don't be afraid to shop around a little bit. When you're looking, I think there are a few negative traits that you should be looking to avoid when you meet with lawyer.
• If the lawyer is making definitive promises in the first meeting (e.g. "We can for sure get you full custody of your kids!"), run the other way. While that sounds good and gets people excited, it's also a pretty good sign that the lawyer is a total fool. There is no way an attorney is going to have enough information to accurately predict what the outcome of your case is going to be even a few weeks in much less at the initial meeting. A lawyer who promises this sort of stuff is just setting you up for disappointment (and setting themselves up for a lawsuit later).
• If the lawyer isn't asking you about your goals in the first meeting, run the other way. A lawyer should be focused, first and foremost, about trying to reach your goals, regardless of whether those goals are typical of a "standard" divorce. If you're comfortable accepting less than you could probably get in a particular area, the attorney should point out that you could get more, but should also respect your decision. On the other hand, if you're asking for something totally crazy, the attorney should be pointing out that your goal is unrealistic and helping you set a more attainable one.
• If you aren't comfortable with the person, run the other way. Just like everyone else, lawyers come in all shapes and sizes and personality types. Two equally good lawyers can have very different attitudes and styles when it comes to handling a divorce. Because you're going to be sharing a lot of details of your life with your lawyer, your job is to find a lawyer that you connect well with and can work closely with over a number of months. Even if you talk with an attorney who has a great reputation and sounds really competent, it isn't worth hiring them if you don't "click".
2. Get Your Finances In Order
There's a joke among a lot of lawyers that people getting a divorce should hire an attorney who also does bankruptcies, because one is likely to lead to the other. While that's kind of mean-spirited, it also contains a grain of truth. Divorce is a major cause of financial problems that lead to bankruptcy. Not only are you going to be living on a fraction of the income you had before, but you're going to have a lot of unplanned for expenses like child support, a new place to live, legal fees, etc. However, because of the stress of the divorce, most people aren't willing or able to take the time to really go through their finances and restructure to make things work until it's far too late.
If you can, I'd talk with an experienced financial advisor to put together a plan of how you can continue to live going forward. If you can't talk with a financial advisor, it's worth it to spend some time thinking about how you can trim expenses and restructure your finances for life after the divorce. As an estate planner, I think this is a good exercise to do anyway, wholly aside from divorce, since I'm continually amazed by how little people know about what they actually own.
3. Build a Support Network
I won't sugarcoat it. This process is likely to be brutal, protracted, and emotionally draining. At varying times, you're going to feel depressed, betrayed, angry, hopeless, or all of the above at once. People you were friends with when you were married will stop being your friends, and the other side of your family will probably start to hate you. Nasty things will be said about you. In those circumstances, it's natural to feel isolated and like the whole world is against you.
That said, you aren't alone, and shouldn't be during the process. Lean on your folks and/or siblings for support. Make new friends or find a new hobby (preferably both at once). Most importantly, if you find yourself in need of help, seek help. Remember that the process will be over, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
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