Posted by Bwast (1342 posts) -


#2 Posted by Wrighteous86 (3825 posts) -

@Bwast said:

It seems a fair bit egotistical for me, a no-name on a video game website, to assume that people would be interested in my answers to their questions. I'll give some context. I've had depression for close to 7 years, maybe more, but 7 years ago is when it started actually changing the way I live day to day. It was only this year that I've tried to do something about it. Before this, I didn't think anything was legitimately wrong with me. It seems illogical but it never occurred to me that I might actually have depression. I always thought depression was more spectacular, like in the movies. Binge drinking, drug benders, weird camera filters, that kind of stuff. It never came to me that me sitting in my room all day, sleeping for 10+ hours a day and eating enough for 4 people were signs of depression.

Another reason is I have a very hard time analysing myself. I go to a therapist but I am not fully comfortable in that environment. I find it hard to express myself like I'd want to. With the anonymity that this provides me, I'll be able to really think about my answers without having to deal with the stress of a real life conversation. This way, the next time I go to my therapist, I will have some real meat to bring to the table instead of my usual reticence.

I'll take any questions, they don't have to be about depression(though I'd prefer it if they were), but be warned I'm not going to answer a question about your cat or your ingrown toenail. I'm still not completely comfortable even with the anonymity - please don't make me regret this. Also, if there are other people who'd like to share their struggle with depression, even if it's not first hand(like if a friend or family member has it), feel free to do so.

Been there man, let me know if you ever want to talk about it. I gained a lot of weight and actively avoided my friends for 4-6 years. Only now am I pulling myself out, and mostly because it took me so long to realize the hole I was making for myself.

#4 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8610 posts) -
@Bwast: Well, be very aware not everyone is as helpful as they seem and even if they offer to help you out/talk to you they can sometimes just back off (read: disa-fucking-ppear) for no apparent reason.
I've learned to ask for experiences, to see how other people handle situations I might find myself in or how to respond to certain events instead of just asking for advice. Our lives are our own and in the end its us who's going to make the difference. The effort. So try to find out what it is you want from others, which will only help you to reach solutions better.
My questions for you are: What are your passions? Are you a creative person (do you write/draw/paint/etc)? If so, can you turn your negative thoughts into something creative? If not, why not? Any hobbies/creative things you wanted to undertake but never got around to it?
#5 Edited by SirOptimusPrime (2031 posts) -

The worst stage of depression, for me, was recognizing that you have it and then actively knowing it's a poor way to live your life... but still not being able to act on that. I didn't get into college/university the first year out of high school because of a massive mis-communication error and it hit me real bad, only exacerbating what I've had for going on six or seven years now. Not being able to see my friends because they were at school and not knowing how to handle myself socially as the guy who seemingly 'skipped' college despite being relatively 'smart' both really made me a hermit, essentially.

I'm not even 100% sure what I have, because I haven't had the money (due to school) to see a specialist. I think it may be a case of type II bipolar (hard mood swings with long and frequent depressive episodes, IIRC), but I won't know for, at best, a few months. It's a struggle trying to live like everything's fine and dandy when some days I just want to quit, and the only advice I can give to you is learn to accept help in any form. If you can see the value in people that want to help you better yourself, i.e. people that want to see you succeed, you can see the value of anything in life and get one step closer to breaking out of the pattern. Even if it's someone that wants to help you solve a problem in school or work, or someone talking to you on the internet to help with the depression look at this way: they could have stepped away. They could have ignored your mistake, ignored your post, but they didn't (that makes this post seem kind of self-important doesn't it?). Maybe they wanted to feel self-important, there's always that, but learning to look past that is/has been the turning point for me. Call it naive if you will, but it's the simplest way to being and staying positive in life.

I don't much else to say other than I hope you can find your way out of this shit, because I still haven't. Though I don't know how severe your depression is (seasonal seems to be the best guess if you've had it seemingly unknowingly for so long), living like this and not doing anything about it is really hell.

edit: @TaliciaDragonsong reminded me of something important - filtering out your negative emotions. I write music and poetry and like to code and work on cad docs, and being able to just do something has affected me greatly. Sure, about 100% of it will never see the light of day - especially about 20-30 documents in my hard drive - but just letting your creative flag fly can be really helpful even if it means just writing in Word at home for a few hours. Explore things that are easy to get into singularly and just find yourself... man.

#7 Posted by CornBREDX (6308 posts) -

What's interesting is how much I can relate and how hard it is for me to believe threads like this- don't be offended, it's how my brain is wired and how the internet trains me. I'll go out on a limb, worst that will happen is more people tell me i'm crazy on this forum.
I have a fear of people and what not (I have mentioned it before on these forums) and it takes me often around an hour (give or take and sometimes after 45 minutes or so I will just not even send the reply- it has happened countless times) to write a response to threads just because of the way people react. Often you'd think I killed their first born child or something. I also get called crazy sometimes but I find those ones laughable and showing their age. This happens mostly when it's something that could cause an argument or I'm worried what I say will offend someone or something. It's a palpable fear and I often don't finish what I'm writing- sometimes just afraid it's nonsense. It's nonsense that these things bother me as it's just text, but more often than not it does. 
I don't have depression that I know of, but then again I haven't been to a shrink in a long time. I keep being told that I should see one but I don't have time. All work and no play has made me dull.
So I guess what I'm saying is your normal and talking about it is fine- it doesn't make you a burden and it helps you out. It's why I am so open with complete strangers about my own problems (although I won't really mention it unless asked or it comes up somehow which often it somehow does). I mainly just want to get it out of the way- I also have a problem with relating to people but I legitimately try to. I just don't understand why people do what they do (which makes my job INCREDIBLY HARD and I've almost gotten fired several times).  
The people that are weird are the ones who pretend they have no issues. 
Anyway, I've been writing this for a while contemplating not actually sending it, re-writing parts because I am bothered by how they will be perceived, but fuck it.

#8 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

Shit. This has become a serious thread, so I can't ask joke questions without looking like an asshole. But I can't ask serious questions, because I dare not share my problems here, and I doubt I'd get a solution. What questions should I ask? What should I do in this situation?

#9 Posted by wjb (1731 posts) -

@Video_Game_King said:

Shit. This has become a serious thread, so I can't ask joke questions without looking like an asshole. But I can't ask serious questions, because I dare not share my problems here, and I doubt I'd get a solution. What questions should I ask? What should I do in this situation?

Same. I would assume joke questions would be good for the soul?

Here's a question, anyway: like, is there a place I can go to watch live streaming video of American football games? I looked everywhere and nothing. They should really remind people in forums constantly, especially forums that have nothing to do with sports.

Eh? Eh?

#11 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

@Bwast said:

I just don't want joke questions since they're not real questions to begin with.

I believe one of your Earthly sayings is "The only one who can safely speak the truth in the King's court is the jester". Is this not true? And is not truth reality?

#13 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -


#14 Posted by wjb (1731 posts) -

Honestly, to get it out of the way, there's a good chance this thread will go nowhere. You'll get a few people that will relate and empathize/sympathize, but there's no real incentive for people to "ask you stuff" (sorry). It doesn't really help when there are restrictions to it as well (maybe part of the problem, who knows?)

But I'll bite because I used to suffer from depression (not going to talk about it). Maybe I still do from time to time, but I wouldn't consider it a problem. So what's your back-story? How old are you? School or work full-time (part-time?)? Is this strictly a social thing or is it also affecting your work? Do you have issues making friends or maintaining friends? Any interest in the opposite sex (or same sex)? Having trouble getting girls (or boys) to notice you?

#15 Posted by BraveToaster (12588 posts) -

Does it bother you when people say shit like "Don't worry, things will get better"? In some cases, statements like that don't work; no one has any way of knowing that things will get better. In fact, things can get a lot worse and some people never manage to get out of the hole they are in.

#17 Posted by CaptainCody (1536 posts) -

I'm gonna bump this considering I may have interest in discussing this topic after I get some sleep.

#18 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8610 posts) -
@SirOptimusPrime: Sound advice, we've gotta learn with both our light and dark sides and eventually accept we all have them. Too many people I've seen trying to be perfect, or using their lesser qualities (everyone has them, come on) to drag themselves down even more.
@Bwast: It's not more than natural, I've felt much the same way when I came here at first (although that had little to do with your problem, but just saying) but things do get easier once you find yourself, which goes for online conversations as much as offline. You might want to try sticking around here, have a good time, see what happens as I personally know this site is full of people who are amazingly kind. Take up a conversation offer, spill your beans/worst fears or just take a chance and seek contact yourself. I've done so myself (and I never thought I would be able to) but its given me nothing but help and new friends.
So you like movies? Good, what do you do with them? Do you collect them? Do you listen to soundtrack cd's? Its not about being creative but its about being busy and doing something you love without shame!
You're going to feel bad a lot of times in life, even without a depression or other stuff, it just happens and that's the way life rolls (and oh, how much I hate it!) but that does not mean you shouldn't be able to find pleasure in your own things at all! I started writing because of my pain, my bad experiences in life, and what started out as a relief became a hobby, which is hopefully turning into a job. And just 5 years ago I would have never thought about being a writer. But here I am. Still pretty fucking clueless but I'm doing what I love doing and that alone keeps me going through all the bad times. So find that thing you love, find out how you can contribute to it and just do it! Happiness is all up to yourself. But if you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a message, its the least I can do.
#19 Posted by NlGHTCRAWLER (1210 posts) -

@Video_Game_King said:


I concur

#20 Posted by wjb (1731 posts) -

@Bwast: When I was younger, I suffered from depression from middle school through high school. Some of it had to do with the day-to-day shittiness of grade school, but a lot of it originated from my childhood and how I was raised. I spent all of high school weekends playing my SNES and N64 (wished I had a Playstation at the time) when I wasn't working or studying; I didn't really have the luxury of online, because AOL sucked and I couldn't go on any time I felt like (even when I did, what were there, chat-rooms?). I got to college, and I didn't want to be so hopeless and alone anymore. Maybe I had an advantage, because with college, it was a way for me (and everyone else) to start over. Freshmen year was great, but not perfect. I relied heavily on this one girl to spill all my problems to; a girl who I considered my first real crush. It was romantic for a while, but eventually she broke and told me something I probably should've heard a long time ago. I was being selfish and made our friendship all about me. I kept on feeling sorry for myself, and it dragged her down. I was lucky in making friends fast -- some of whom I'm still friends with 10+ years later -- but my depression was the first thing people associated with me back then, and it was my fault for giving them that impression.

I subconsciously wanted people's sympathy; I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. That one girl changed my entire outlook on life, more so than pills or therapy ever did. The person I wanted to like me more than anyone else in my entire life at that point sat me down and shut me up. As time went on, a few friends would say the same thing, and I didn't take it personal because I knew they cared. From then on, even though I still had issues with depression, I never brought it up except for the rare occasion when I needed someone's advice. I learned to have fun, make jokes, not be so serious all the time, and people responded positively. Eventually, depression wasn't at the forefront of my personality. I wouldn't say I'm cured -- I still get sad for no apparent reason every now and then -- but at least I'm not helpless about it anymore. I wake up in the morning and feel better.

If I may dive into some "real talk," this thread did rub me the wrong way, initially, and maybe still does. Everyone asks for help and that's fine, so I don't think you're a whiner or using your condition as a crutch, but by requesting people to ask you questions, you are essentially making this about yourself. A turn-off, for me at least. People want to help, but they also got their own problems. By what you described of yourself, you clearly aren't special (you obviously are aware, hopefully), so why should anyone even bother unless they're doing it because they feel sorry for you? Maybe you want that, but I certainly wouldn't want that if I were you. And not to make it a bigger deal, but the "no light-hearted jokes please because I'm not in the mood" makes you seem like a drag to be around. If you don't care, you don't care, but to me, that sounds like that's part of the problem. You don't want people to make things fun and you don't care about why people should ask you questions, they just should or should not. Okay. If you don't care, then why should anyone else?

Not trying to sound like a dick because I am trying to help, but telling you "that sucks" or "it gets better" sounds trite, and asking a stranger questions so they can feel better about themselves has no real incentive for me. I'll talk if people want to talk, but I'm not going to patronize.

I'll leave it at that and good luck to you.

#21 Edited by Bwast (1342 posts) -

@TaliciaDragonsong: I don't really do anything with movies other than watch a lot of them. I watched a movie last night called Take Shelter. It's about a man whose Mother has paranoid schizophrenia and he starts having terrible nightmares about a storm coming. He wonders if he's going crazy like his Mom or if there really is a storm coming. It's fantastic. The ending is beautiful, it gave me some hope.

Finding something I love has always been an issue. I love watching and talking about movies. That's all I can really say. I could open up notepad and write down my thoughts after I watch a movie. That might be cool actually, I'll try that. I did start a horror thing on my blog but I haven't felt the need to watch a horror movie for a while. Maybe near Halloween I'll start that up again.

Thank you everyone for writing something. The problems of a stranger can feel so insignificant but you still took the time to talk with me. My depression is not going to go away overnight and will probably be with me forever but small steps like these are what I feel will help me in the long run. Some of you have offered your ear any time I might need it. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that but I appreciate the offer.

#22 Posted by 49th (2942 posts) -

How many pieces of toast do you think you could karate chop in half in one go?

#23 Edited by psylah (2188 posts) -

On the topic of depression, I thought of this post by good friend of GB, Jeff Green

Jeff has been battling clinical depression for 25 years, and I would never have guessed.

He has always seemed to me to be the most happy and carefree guy, and I love listening to him.

#24 Posted by Jimmi (168 posts) -

Since you're unemployed and eat 4x as much food as a regular person, yet can afford internet and a gaming PC/consoles, who is supporting you? What are you giving them in return?

For me, the idea of being a burden on my family was enough to get me off my ass. Not meant to guilt trip you or anything, but it's important to think of others in these situations: even for an introvert, the people in your life can be important motivators.

#25 Posted by Christoffer (1973 posts) -

@Bwast: I'm 31 now but I fought depression during most of my 20s. I would say I got over it when I was 27, but who's to say. The thing that got me in the right mindset was to first realize I was depressed, which you've seem to already have done. Then I just started to question everything I was doing. Was it something wrong with me, my surroundings, my upbringing, my family, my habits. Laying it all on the table helped me a lot. Be as honest as you can be.

It's difficult to write down what finally pulled me out. As stupid as it might sound I accepted that depression is just a unfortunate domino effect started by an imbalance of chemicals in my body (as atheistic that might sound). When I started to eat right and exercise (believe me, it was a lot harder than it sounds) other areas in my life soon fell into place. Well almost.

Enough about me. Here's my question. Do you even think you can even get better ever?

#26 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -


@Video_Game_King said:


I concur

Poe's Law haunts me again.

#27 Posted by FourWude (2245 posts) -


#29 Edited by NlGHTCRAWLER (1210 posts) -

@Video_Game_King said:


@Video_Game_King said:


I concur

Poe's Law haunts me again.

Is this sincere extremism or an exaggerated parody of extremism?

#30 Posted by Enigma777 (6067 posts) -

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

#31 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8610 posts) -
@Bwast: The main essence is doing something, even if its passive and not active its still things you can use to better yourself and feel better! 
I've been that stranger, actually still am, so I do what I can to help out.