#1 Posted by Lockeyness (188 posts) -

I managed to miss any sort of amazing ad campaign that Jack in the Box had thrown together to promote their latest dairy concoction / monstrosity. Much like the Taco Bell breakfast incident, I had first stumbled upon the concept of a bacon shake while surfing the wide world web. The idea was appauling at the time but I decided to take it upon myself to jump in front of this speeding bullet. What lies in store for a bacon shake? Well, I've had chocolate covered bacon which was pretty tasty. I've had beer-battered fried bacon, which came with an assortment of dipping sauces for whatever strange reason. I'm not going to let a little bacon frighten me. Then the cashier asked if I wanted a small or a large.

Let me back up. I pulled up to the drive thru menu and asked for a bacon shake. The cashier, as any normal person would, asked "A what kind of shake?" I responded with the combination of intensity and excitement in a shout of, "Bacon!" so as to answer her question with the appropriate amount of crazy. She didn't seem to catch on, as I was asked once more for what type of shake I would like to enjoy this afternoon. She's either asking for clarification or she simply can't hear me. I turned off my van's engine (which is rather rumbling to be fair) and apologized before answering, "a bacon shake, please." I have to note that I apologized before answering, because that's probably what she was waiting for in the first place. I should have started the order that way in the first place. "I'm sorry, but I would like a bacon shake and only a bacon shake, please. Yes, bacon, not something deliciously shake-inclusive like chocolate or plain old vanilla, but bacon."

That's when she responded with "would you like a small or large?" Me being me, I immediately said large. Absolutely no hesitation on that end. If I'm going into this thing, I need to be commited. She asks me if there's anything else I'd like, I take a moment before responding in the negative. The new BLT cheeseburger looks good, but it also looks like a bacon cheeseburger. Nothing fresh or exciting. Not like a bacon shake. I'm sure it would compliment the shake, though.

At last, we meet.

Alright. So I'm here ready to drink the shake. I should point out as you'll see in the photo that it's topped with whipped cream and a cherry. Why? Why does it even need this presentation? So it can be disguised and blend into the crowd of shakes? So I can drink the shake and hide the shame of what flavor it is? Something like this should be touted, with big bright lettering across the cup that screams "Yes, I'm drinking a bacon shake! Ask me what it's like!" If you're drinking a bacon shake, you should be noticed immediately. Also, no bacon shavings on top of the whipped cream. Clearly a mistake from the bacon cross-promoting team.

Okay, so... first... sip... This is a thick milkshake. Which speaks to the quality, I'm sure. It's either real ice cream (which I think they still use) or some kind of thickening agent. Or both. Alright, keyboard aside. First sip. First mouthful tastes like a vanilla shake. A little smokeyness, but mostly just plain ole vanilla. Did I get gyped out of bacon flavoring? One more taste. A few more gulps and the bacon hits me. It's... not so much bacon as it is maple flavoring. Like a pancake. No, like a burnt pancake. You know when you make that first pancake in the batch and it always turns out either burnt or hideously malformed until you get the rhythm down? It tastes like that pancake. Only drizzled in maple syrup and eaten. With vanilla ice cream.

It's not entirely pleasant, like a shake should be. Shakes are amazing. In N Out Burger has some amazing milkshakes and Jack in the Box isn't usually a slouch either. McDonalds has a rare instance of deliciousness around March with the Shamrock shake. Let's not rule out Carl's Jr (Hardee's) with their experimental shakes either. That Cap'n Crunch milkshake was amazing. I was pretty disappointed not to see that continue with other brands of cereal.

Ugh... why did I buy a large? Well, the taste really lingers for a while. A big hunk of smokeyness in the back of the throat. I'm gonna keep working on this and probably finish it, but it isn't likely. So long as I don't put it down for too long, that aftertaste won't kick in too often. At least I should enjoy the whip and the cherry. I never saw Venice.

#2 Posted by Gamer_152 (14091 posts) -

Good review. I'm not entirely surprised to hear the bacon shake isn't very pleasant.

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#3 Posted by IzzyGraze (851 posts) -

Wah...just...ah...there are no words. Good bit of writing but why in the world is there such a thing as a bacon shake? Death is making house calls but he's calling in advance.

#4 Posted by Arkasai (702 posts) -

Jesus. I will have to try this later, simply because of the screech of horror my girlfriend let out when I told her what I was reading.

#5 Posted by InsidiousTuna (398 posts) -

Yikes. Hadn't heard of the bacon shake. Terrifying.

#6 Posted by MasturbatingestBear (1192 posts) -

Remember at the end of one of the original Bombcasts (may have been arrow pointing down then) Jeff, Ryan and Alex tried the captain Crunch Milkshake at the end of an episode? That didn't even sound as gross as this.

#7 Posted by TheWholeDamnShow (232 posts) -

No shame. None at all.

#8 Posted by Lockeyness (188 posts) -

I finished the whole thing. My stomach kinda hurts, you guys.

@MasturbatingestBear: I totally remember that! That must've been from the second or third Arrow Pointing Down.

#9 Posted by Guided_By_Tigers (8061 posts) -

We don't have any Jack in the Box's here in Ohio even though their commercials will occasional air here.

#10 Posted by CaptainCody (1508 posts) -

Good write up, I am now more interested in this atrocity.

#11 Posted by phrali (646 posts) -

wtf this cannot be real

#12 Posted by SpaceRunaway (870 posts) -

No bacon pieces in the shake?  No deal, Jack in the Box.

#13 Posted by Godlyawesomeguy (6399 posts) -

@SpaceRunaway said:

No bacon pieces in the shake? No deal, Jack in the Box.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Why the fuck would I ever get such a hideous monstrosity if 90% of the reason for getting isn't even really there?

#14 Posted by Still_I_Cry (2494 posts) -

I would try it (except I will buy s small :P).

Not sure if I have any Jack in the Box places by me though..

#15 Posted by Lockeyness (188 posts) -

@Arkasai said:

Jesus. I will have to try this later, simply because of the screech of horror my girlfriend let out when I told her what I was reading.

Appropriate response. My wife just shook her head with a mixture of disapproval and blatancy.

#16 Posted by PeasantAbuse (5138 posts) -

That sounds terrible. Good read, though!

#17 Posted by eugenesaxe (199 posts) -

They had to do some testing before it hit the stores, so SOMEBODY liked it. They also limited the rollout and are advertising it little or not at all, so they have their doubts. Personally, I can't see bacon and milkshakes being a match made in heaven.

#18 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

I think if you cooked your own bacon, chopped it up, and put it on vanilla ice cream with maybe some honey, it would be pretty awesome.

#19 Posted by Encephalon (1284 posts) -

This has no business being as compelling a read as it is. No business at all. Anyway, good on ya, for doing the tough jobs so the rest of us don't have to.

#20 Posted by iam3green (14390 posts) -

thanks, and keep up the fast food reviews.

it sounds pretty nasty actually. i do like bacon but not in a milkshake. i've never eaten at a jack in the box. the only fast food that i eat is taco bell, burger king, sonic, and mcdonalds. i don't eat fast food that much.

#21 Posted by McShank (1629 posts) -

I now know what im buying before i go to work tommorow.

#22 Edited by Kandycane2029 (511 posts) -

After reading about the calorie count in that horrific beverage, I immediately eliminated all curiosity. Thanks for the post, duder.

#23 Posted by joshthebear (2700 posts) -

Ugh, that sounds fucking terrible. I will now know to stay as far away from this as possible.

#24 Posted by Rudeboy217 (1769 posts) -

And here I thought you were bullshitting about bacon shakes being an actual thing you can purchase at a fast food establishment. What the fuck, Jack in the Box?

#25 Edited by MB (12724 posts) -

It's actually real vanilla ice cream and "bacon flavored syrup" according to the Jack in the Box nutrition guide.

1100 calories, 54 grams of fat and 108 grams of sugar. Incredible.

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#26 Edited by Positrark (316 posts) -

Great writeup duder, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Also I remember Richard Blais making bacon ice cream on Top Chef, which seemed to go over reasonably well with the judges, so I guess the combination has some potential.

#27 Posted by solarisdeschain (99 posts) -

Is there anything as gloriously and sadly American as a bacon milkshake?

#28 Posted by GorillaMoPena (2218 posts) -

I'd rather just buy more Bakon vodka and make shakes with booze in them

#29 Posted by MB (12724 posts) -

@solarisdeschain: The KFC Double Down? Bacon and cheese with two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread.

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#30 Posted by Hailinel (25179 posts) -

This is a wonderful write-up of a terrifying shake monstrosity.