Just warning you: I have no idea where this is going.
It was a breezy day in the center of Purgatory, the final abode for the wicked, murderous, and terrible. No one knows how or why, but Purgatory was located in the exact middle of Norgannon, an Earth-sized planet in a universe beyond our comprehension.
Cold was a gross understatement. Vast landscapes of ice and snow stretched farther than anyone could see, including the frozen over demons and hellish creatures that roamed and scavanged.
Purgatory was full of chaotic fiends, but one fiend in particular held significant sway. His name...
ICEDICK.
Or...
FROSTPISS.
Or...
DICKFREEZE.
It didn't matter; for his true name was not pronounceable by mortal mouths.
Verily, it was a cold day in hell.
And Frozenhorn was stroking his long beard which was full of icesicles and snow. He held a PS3 controller in his right hand, which consisted of old, wrinkled fingers with long nails. His nose was long, crooked, and evil. He was mostly bald except for a pathetic combover, or at least something that began as a combover, but he neglected it, and it grew shoulder length. He appeared thin and frail, save a protruding stomach. He wore a Behemoth t-shirt, which is a "blackened death metal" band from Earth. Only RPG nerds like Freezerburn wear these types of shirts. First you're listening to Marilyn Manson, then you discover thrash metal, then you look for something a little out there, and BANG! Your iPod is full of death, gore, and black metal. Anyway, "Lawrence," he said, sounding like an ordinary person from the 00s, "should I be selling all these scraps and lawnmower blades and steam gauge assemblies? I'm kinda running out of caps here." Lawrence was in the background somewhere: "No, you might need that later. You can make a bad ass melee weapon with that lawnmower blade." Frostnip didn't have a character skilled in repair, so at the moment all this crap was useless. He stored it all in his Megaton locker--he didn't like playing evil characters--and saved his game, even though he'd made sure to enable autosave. Lawrence trudged out from nowhere, and fat his giant ass next to Frostface. He was a behemoth, that Lawrence, standing taller than any normal man, and bulging out wider than Dr. Robotnik, an essentially dead character since Sega royally fucked up his favorite franchise. To put it simply, he looked like a viking. He even had a huge axe strapped to his back. Being a videogame nerd he didn't use it often, though. Beards were in style, ostensibly, because Lawrence, too, had a long one, except more elaborate and braided, as vikings are apt to wear. He looked at his watch. "Jesus, man, you've been doing that for 36 hours straight." Icedeath waved at him dismissively. "Try not to play any games on the way to the parking lot," he referenced.
There was a voice in the distance. A preaching voice, slow, methodical, sure, and earnest. Frozenstein slammed his controller on the ground and breathed out a chilly FUUUCK. He disappeared in a dulcit boom, white trails dissipating in his wake.
He appeared before a gaggle of adventurers: warriors, wizards, priests, and miscellaneous classes that don't count or are never fully implemented, like thiefs and rogues, to the point where they're no fun or totally useless. The crowd gasped and said things to one another. Frozenheimer had a hand on his hip and used the other for hand gestures. It would have looked gay if he didn't appear to be an evil twat. "What?" he snarled with uncanny Squidward mystique. They all pointed behind him. He turned. A massive, slavering beast grinned down on him. It was forcing open a giant stone store, black claws making hairline cracks. It was red and wearing traditional demon tribe garment. It had piercings and tattoos everywhere like a lesbian emo. It reared up a huge foot with broken, serrated toenails, warts, and hair. It was going to stomp on Von Freezeray, but he was armed with a 4-barreled shotgun made from unicorn piss and leprechaun shit. In addition to looking gross, it was incredibly effective, blasting off the demon's entire leg and causing blood to fountain from its newly acquired stump.
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