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#1 Edited by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

I was wondering if anyone on here has this. Somedays im perfectly fine. Other days its hard to want to do anything. Ive even started crying for what seems to be no reason. "yea yea im a pussy"

I mean my life isnt any worse now then anyone elses. I got a job and a house and what not. It just seems to be really hard to be happy for some reason. I go through my life acting like its all good and noone is the wiser so its not affecting anything like that.

I dont want medicine. Hell i dont even know if this is just normal and noone talks about it.

You guys ever get like this?

#2 Posted by Breadfan (6590 posts) -

I've got pretty bad anxiety at some points, which can lead to depression sometimes. Talking with my friends I've found that it's not as uncommon as you might think. I've got good days and bad days, but you just have to take it in stride.

#3 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2363 posts) -

@tunaburn: No reason to call yourself a "pussy" shit just happens to people and sometimes you feel like shit. I've been kinda going through the same thing except I was going through a breakup (3 year relationship). At first I was okay, then I felt like shit and at times I would just start crying. I also kept telling everyone I was okay, but really I wasn't. I would suggest trying to pin point why you feel the way that you do and try to talk to close friends you can trust or family. Doing that really helped me move on.

#4 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@Breadfan: Ive had many a panic attack. They suck. I also get ocular migraines about once a month that make me go blind for about an hour. THAT SUCKS. but ive seen many doctors and theres nothing that can be done about that.

#5 Edited by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@Oscar__Explosion: well about a year ago i got dumped by my girlfriend i lived with of 6 years. But ive got a new girl now so i dunno if that can still be affecting me.

#6 Posted by Zecks23 (157 posts) -

I've had depression/anxiety since I was in middle school (20 now) and have been to rehab multiple times for drugs/thoughts/etc against my will and everything about it sucks. I finally caved and started taking meds after therapists and other things never helped and I've been on multiple different medications (over a one year period) and haven't found any of them to be particularly helpful yet. I don't have much advice since I obviously haven't overcome depression myself but find friends who have gone through something similar and support each other. Distractions also help but that's all they really are in the end.

I think I get by now by realizing that nothing is really wrong with my life it's just my thought process, but while realizing this did help me get over some of the overwhelming moments of depression it's definitely still there

#7 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2363 posts) -

@tunaburn: Woah migraine to temporary blindness thing sounds awful. Maybe you are still affected by your past relationship. 6 years with a person (let alone living with them) is a long time. At least you have somebody else in your life now. If your happy with your current relationship try to focus on that.

#8 Posted by DrBroel (41 posts) -
#9 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@Zecks23: well i didnt want to get to dark here but i have in the past seriously considered just ending it. Had a bunch of beers and 2 boxes of sleeping pills. Got down half a box of pills and felt like shit. Wife at the time called 911 when she found out. Havent done anything really like that since but sometimes i get the thought / feeling "i wouldnt mind if i fell asleep and didnt wake up"

But its not normally that bad and when i really think about it i would miss a lot. I got a daughter for fucks sake.

#10 Posted by Turtlebird95 (2497 posts) -

That doesn't sound so bad. Everyone has those days where you just don't want to do anything. Unless you see yourself wanting to tie the noose I wouldn't worry about it.

#11 Edited by MURDERSMASH (251 posts) -

@tunaburn said:

@Oscar__Explosion: well about a year ago i got dumped by my girlfriend i lived with of 6 years. But ive got a new girl now so i dunno if that can still be affecting me.

It wouldn't hurt to maybe seek therapy, if you think it might still be bothering you. I've been going to therapy to help me with my (sometimes) severe ADHD symptoms, and it's helping me a ton just to TALK to someone who's willing to listen and empathize (emphasis because all I ever get from other people is "STOP BEING LAZY, TRY HARDER", etc.)

I'd imagine this can also apply to you, if you feel like you're becoming depressed. Just randomly crying would definitely seem that way. Also, don't immediately shun medication; sometimes, depression can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and medication can be the quickest way to alleviate the symptoms.

Just my two cents.

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#12 Posted by AlisterCat (5635 posts) -

Jeff Green came out earlier this year about his battle with depression. You should give it a read.

Also, yes, I have had a pretty tough time with depression for most of my life. More so the past 6 years.

#13 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@Oscar__Explosion: dude those migraines seriously suck. it doesnt make your vision black. it makes it fill with these wavy lines that flicker and block everything else. Google ocular migraines if you wanna read on it but the best way i can say it is, imagine youre looking through a glass shower door. How you cant really see the person through it but you kind of can? Now imagine its flickering and very bright. And you see it still with your eyes closed so you cant even sleep it off....

#14 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

Once I realized that people aren't suppose to be happy all the time, my depression went away. Society constantly sells this "HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BE HAPPY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY BECAUSE THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM" but it's all bullshit. They are just trying to create a gap so that they can sell you something to fill it.

Once I let go of the need to always be happy, I was much happier. It's OK to just "be." Think about it.

#15 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2363 posts) -

@tunaburn: oh my god. That sounds fucking horrible duder. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Also you mentioned you have a daughter? You extra shouldn't think about ending your life. It's not just yours anymore it's yours and your kid's (I'm not sure of the relationship you have with her it's just that I think that once somebody has a child anything that the parent does negatively to themselves could also damage the child which isn't fair)

#16 Edited by erp78 (16 posts) -
#17 Posted by SpartyOn (500 posts) -

@tunaburn said:

I was wondering if anyone on here has this. Somedays im perfectly fine. Other days its hard to want to do anything. Ive even started crying for what seems to be no reason. "yea yea im a pussy"

I mean my life isnt any worse now then anyone elses. I got a job and a house and what not. It just seems to be really hard to be happy for some reason. I go through my life acting like its all good and noone is the wiser so its not affecting anything like that.

I dont want medicine. Hell i dont even know if this is just normal and noone talks about it.

You guys ever get like this?

Yes I have, and was diagnosed. My sophomore year of college I started feeling/thinking differently and thought the same way you did: that I was being a baby and that it was best to pretend I was fine. Finally I got some help, and the improvements I made led me to change my major to Psychology. The mind makes us who we are, and the effects it can have on us is tremendous. You wouldn't call somebody with cancer a baby for saying they didn't feel well, and psychological conditions are no different...they are very very real. My advice would be to start by talking to friends or family you feel comfortable with, and then go from there. Hell, I'd even be willing to talk to you right here on this very site if you'd like to hear what it was like for me. I wish you the best of luck.

#18 Posted by Zecks23 (157 posts) -

@tunaburn: I really understand that "not caring if I don't wake up" feeling. It's awful and I have been really lucky and thankful that I did survive. I'm in the same boat though, haven't done anything that would put me in jeopardy recently and I hope it stays that way but winter always gets to me, everythings so damn cold, dead and depressing.

And yeah I didn't mean to try to bring up dark stuff but considering the subject I suppose it's kind of par for the course.

Side note - Those migraines sound awful! Sorry you have to go through that! Never had one luckily, I've had seizures occasionally but nothing that I remember too much or anything that happens consistently

#19 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@Oscar__Explosion: yea shes about to be 7. And honestly shes the reason i do stuff. I know it sounds stupid but shes the reason i started doing cage fighting. I was just trying to do something special that she could be proud of when she grew up. now im going to go back to college in December if it all works out and try to make a better life for her. Not like she has it bad right now. I own my house and car. I got a steady job and a girl that loves us both. Her mom still has her half the time and loves her too.

But you know, sometimes its hard to think about her needs when you feel TERRIBLE!

#20 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@SpartyOn: id listen to whatever you had to say.

@Zecks23: i hope everything goes good for you. I guess its good to think about the fact that youre not the only one feeling like this. I started this because tonight ive felt like shit. Daughter is with her mom. Just sitting here playing league of legends to kill the time before bed. Going outside to smoke a cigarette "i know i shouldnt please no lecture on that" and once sitting there with my thoughts its like, what the fuck is wrong with me.

#21 Posted by believer258 (11999 posts) -

Are you happy with your place in life? Do you want something more? Is there something that you feel you could have done better?

This summer, I felt kind of like that and I had no clue why. I was angry, mostly at myself, for not understanding why I was feeling so bad all of the time. It's because I had no direction, no place to point myself, and I had no clue where I wanted to do that. I'm shaping up from that. I'm not going to be able to move on with my life for a while now, at least not until I graduate college, but it feels a lot better to point myself in a direction. It's not immediate, and it takes some real mental work to dig yourself out of such a hole, but it can get better.

#22 Edited by RollingZeppelin (2027 posts) -

Try looking into mindfulness training. I've been going to classes on it and it has really helped me out with dark feelings, I worry less, and am generally a happier and less stressed out person. All it is, is basically meditating and trying to concentrate on things in the present like your own breathing, or the sounds happening around you. The goal is to prevent thoughts of the past or the future from occupying your mind. There have been studies showing that people who are depressed tend to have their thoughts dominated by the past or the future, which makes sense as bad events that have happened in the past will put you in a bad mood. Likewise, worrying about how things will go for you in the future tends to raise anxiety and will put you in an equally poor mental state. By practicing the mindfulness meditation you are training your brain to be more in the present, like an athlete playing a sport. With consistant training (meditation), and thanks to the brain's neuroplasticity, you will start to be more present for a longer amount of time in everyday life without trying to be. The longer you are present, the less you will be occupied with thought of the past or future which will reduce and eventually eliminate your depressed feelings!

Here's a good link to get started if you're interested.

http://mindfulnessforeveryone.blogspot.ca/2012/01/welcome-to-mindfulness-for-everyone.html

#23 Posted by tunaburn (1891 posts) -

@RollingZeppelin: thanks ill look into that. i did find that when i was fighting and doing jiu jitsu id feel much better. but i think that was because even after the day was done i would be concentrating on that. thinking about it. filling my head. and i dont want to have to constantly be thinking about shit and trying to stay occupied to be happy.

#24 Posted by Neurotic (632 posts) -

Sure, although nothing physical like your migraines and panic attacks, OP. I have sleep issues sometimes though (it's 2:30am and I'm not sleeping right now, for instance) and I go through bursts of not enjoying things that I normally very much enjoy and stuff like that too. I had a minor breakdown last week but luckily it was my housemate's birthday so I had cake. Which helped.

Being in final year in university and having 'your whole life ahead of you' can be scary as well as exciting. I haven't quite got to the excited part yet. But even before this year, I had a reputation for mood swings. Still, it could be worse. If I even qualify for depression at all then it's fairly mild (self-diagnosis sucks, I know but meh).

#25 Posted by FilipHolm (669 posts) -

Like a previous poster stated, the chasing of happiess is usually something that makes you unhappy in the end. I suffer from alot of anxiety but use stuff like music or writing to express those feeling and sort of get it out there, being creative really helps me in both keeping my mind occupied but also expressing alot of the shit through the things I create. Another way of doing that could also be to scream, or punch a fool in the face, but I don't recomend it.

I think from your situation it's really up to you to find out for yourself what you feel the problem is, it is somewhere inside of you and if you take time to yourself and just really think about how you feel and maybe what's causing the problems. Usually it's really obvious once you realize what it is. Are you stressed? Do you have time for yourself to do absolutely nothing? I've always found that to be very important.

#26 Posted by pyrodactyl (2189 posts) -

People on the internet will tell you to meditate, to ''get over it'', etc. Thats all well and good but people on the internet don't know what they're talking about half the time. If you frequently feel like shit for no reason, you should talk to a professional who can help.

#27 Posted by FancySoapsMan (5841 posts) -

Thankfully I have never experienced anything as intense as clinical depression, but I would be lying if I said that I am completely happy with the way my life has turned out.

#28 Edited by Azteck (7449 posts) -

As someone who never saw a professional when I was at the lowest point in my life when I desperately needed it, you really should see a professional if you feel that it gets to that point. Trust me, not doing it fucked me up way worse than doing it would have. I should also point out that even if it isn't something as severe as clinical depression, it's hard to tell from just the OP, talking to a therapist is good no matter what.

#29 Posted by Zecks23 (157 posts) -

@tunaburn said:

@Zecks23: i hope everything goes good for you. I guess its good to think about the fact that youre not the only one feeling like this. I started this because tonight ive felt like shit. Daughter is with her mom. Just sitting here playing league of legends to kill the time before bed. Going outside to smoke a cigarette "i know i shouldnt please no lecture on that" and once sitting there with my thoughts its like, what the fuck is wrong with me.

Thanks, same for you. And yeah I know what you mean, sometimes you're just sitting there and you're not doing anything and then all sorts of bad thoughts can come into play. But as much as I don't like to talk about myself extensively, it is nice to just put it out there every once in a while and have a reminder that there's people that support you and are going through the same type of shit.

#30 Posted by RollingZeppelin (2027 posts) -

@tunaburn said:

@RollingZeppelin: thanks ill look into that. i did find that when i was fighting and doing jiu jitsu id feel much better. but i think that was because even after the day was done i would be concentrating on that. thinking about it. filling my head. and i dont want to have to constantly be thinking about shit and trying to stay occupied to be happy.

On the contrary, mindfulness training is all about relaxing, mind and body, and just noticing the physical world around you. If you have thoughts during the meditation you just acknowledge that you had the thought and go back to observing the physical world. Eventually you'll be doing this when you're out and about, or when you're on your own without trying. Instead of occupying yourself with other thoughts, you simply stop thinking and start observing. I'm not some zen master or anything, I definitely still do have worrying thoughts but I've found that I'm not as bothered by them anymore, they also don't linger either as I'm able to forget about them in a much shorter time. I enjoy my life much more since I am able to concentrate on what's important now and take things as they come. I schedule my busy times out and stop worrying about them because I'll take care of that task when I have scheduled the time to do it. Anyway, I know I don't have to pull your leg, I just can't stress enough how much it's improved my life. I hope you find a way to constructively solve this, best of luck duder.

#31 Posted by Mirado (1014 posts) -

@tunaburn said:

I mean my life isnt any worse now then anyone elses. I got a job and a house and what not.

You don't need a traumatic accident, horrible childhood or any significant negative event to have depression. There's no initiation to the club of feeling completely demotivated (or, to put it more explicitly, like shit).

There is no downside to seeing a professional. I suggest you do so. Worst case scenario is everything remains as it is.

#32 Posted by laserbolts (5331 posts) -

Dude I have those migraines too and it fucking sucks. My vision gets blotchy and when that happens I know a real bad headache is coming. Like headache for the rest of the day type shit. There is nothing to be done about it either which sucks because if I get one at work I won't be able to do anything. I thought it was from just not eating but I don't think that's the case. I go days without eating anything quite often though.

#33 Edited by envane (1164 posts) -

nope you're not alone at all :) , but i guess it still feels like you are :/ medication can help , but its just a crutch , not that theres anything wrong with using crutches.

if you want a book to read (the audiobook worked good for me), check out "the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle .

also i find i just bottle my emotion up , regardless of the situation without letting it out , and it really does help to let it out , via watching a sad movie or a happy one that makes you cry etc.. whatever heh .. find soem time to have a good laugh every now and then too :)

#34 Edited by BoOzak (966 posts) -

@Neurotic said:

Sure, although nothing physical like your migraines and panic attacks, OP. I have sleep issues sometimes though (it's 2:30am and I'm not sleeping right now, for instance) and I go through bursts of not enjoying things that I normally very much enjoy and stuff like that too. I had a minor breakdown last week but luckily it was my housemate's birthday so I had cake. Which helped.

Being in final year in university and having 'your whole life ahead of you' can be scary as well as exciting. I haven't quite got to the excited part yet. But even before this year, I had a reputation for mood swings. Still, it could be worse. If I even qualify for depression at all then it's fairly mild (self-diagnosis sucks, I know but meh).

Sleeping issues suck, (3am here, guessing you're from the UK too) i'm not quite sure what's causing mine. Sure not having any reason to get up and do shit most of the time doesnt help but even when I did it didnt solve the problem. I think part of the problem is, A: when I actually have stuff to do I dread it and have a hard time sleeping because of it (not sure if that's considered anxeity or cowardice) or B: not being able to sleep depressed prompting myself to stay awake longer than I probably should, thus resulting in waking up later. (and so the cycle continues)

Anyway, I found when I was at my happiest was when I had something to strive towards, just think of how you want your life to improve and push yourself in that direction. Even if you dont see results there's something to be said just for having an incentive to do things but it seems from what you've said you have plenty of reasons so maby you just need to shake things up. Stop thinking about everyone that depends on you and do something for yourself.

#35 Posted by envane (1164 posts) -

yeah i have symptoms of both chronic fatigue and insomnia .. go figure

#36 Posted by PeasantAbuse (5138 posts) -

I know you don't want to take medication, but I recommend seeing a doctor. All the self-help in the world won't make a difference if it's being caused by a chemical imbalance.

#37 Posted by TheHumanDove (2523 posts) -

I took medicine and therapy at one point. I basically lost a job over it, actually. To be honest it helps to keep your body fit, working out regularly. But knowing that you're already into that, the other half of the equation was maintaining certain irrational thoughts. As strange and as seemingly impossible as it might sound, with a lot of effort you can convince yourself to think more positively. It's definitely not easy, and honestly it's really a skill that people suffering from depression need to work hard at learning, but if you negate the negative, often irrational thoughts, you can do yourself a lot of good.

#38 Posted by TooWalrus (13237 posts) -

When masturbation's lost it's fun, you're fuckin' lonely.

#39 Posted by CitizenCoffeeCake (581 posts) -

@tunaburn: Okay duder, here's the deal. I struggled with this for many years before I talked to my doctor. The messed up thing about depression is that even if your life is going great there is still this sense of apathy and sadness, like something is missing (at least that was the case for me). I wasn't completely for taking meds because I felt like it was a crutch and I didn't want to feel like I had to rely on something like that to feel normal. Ultimately I was prescribed generic effexor and told to start exercising again, get more sunlight, etc... the change was slow and subtle but I did start to feel better. I'm not saying that is the route you need to take but I agree with at least talking to your doctor and exploring your options.

"Hang in there kitty"

#40 Edited by luchadeer797 (294 posts) -

@tunaburn: I'm only 17 and I haven't suffered from depression, but for the last year I've been helping my friend through a serious case of depression. His whole story sounds much like yours, he has had a normal life but still suffers from crippling anxiety attacks and such.

I guess I would say that my best advice would just be to talk to others about what you're going through. Its a small thing, but, as I've found with my friend, it will really help you get through any tough times. Maybe also try some form of therapy, though you'll need to fine the right kind for you whether thats group talks or individual sessions. Even if you're against it, I would at least talk to someone about medication too, it's done wonders for my friend in helping stop anxiety attacks and other symptoms.

Although it might be a bit hollow coming from someone on the Internet, I do hope you can get through this all and, if you can, try not to beat yourself up about it, depression doesn't make you any lesser of a person or a "pussy." Hope all goes well and stay safe.

EDIT: As others have said, also try exercising as it does help with the symptoms usually.

#41 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

All I can say is that I have the occasional bout of depression.

#42 Posted by AndrewB (7669 posts) -

Man, panic attacks are crazy. Improving my lot in life (even if not nearly as much as where I'd like to be) made the difference in me getting over it without medication. I haven't had one in a couple of years now, and it's super weird looking back and realizing what a mental state can do to your body on a physical level. Oh, and medication did jack-all to help, but then they want you to take them for a couple of months before they'll even "kick in" and I was hardly able to afford to experiment around with different meds with no medical insurance.

It's tough to say a whole lot if you truly are happy with where you are right now, even on a more subconscious level. You can be "okay" with things, but still maybe have low self esteem because you know you could be doing better, or at least you'd want to be.

I mean, the only way you're going to get medication anyway is by talking to a doctor. A good one should be able to figure out if medication could be useful. Just make sure you can trust the doctor you go to.

#43 Posted by Guided_By_Tigers (8061 posts) -

Yeah I do. I'm on anti-depressants again after being off of them for two years and I see a therapist. It helps a lot and I'm doing a lot better now, I would recommend seeing your doctor about it.

#44 Posted by Kaineda77 (133 posts) -

Man, I have to say I am quite moved, reading all these replies of duders who really want to help and considering how this would have gone down in many other forums...that gives me some hope. As to your problems, I would also suggest to seek some help. I actually think that everyone has some problems and would be better of talking to a psychologiest once in a while.

#45 Posted by Unilad (575 posts) -

Dude you might want to get your thyroid checked. I was really depressed (for no reason), I was tired all the time and just felt awful. Got my blood checked and it turned out I had Hypothyroidism. Not on 150mcg Levo and feel a million dollars,

If not...take it easy sir. God Bless.

#46 Posted by Funkydupe (3321 posts) -

Its probably not relevant here but I read in an article that people who play video games frequently, and therefor experience a lot in the virtual space, can enter a state where pretty much everything in "real life" becomes boring by comparison and that could bring confusion and depression because you've developed a need to reach a higher threshold to become happy or feel 'fulfilled'. Again and again for example experiencing an epic struggle where the player is the hero, making a big difference in a fictional world, receiving rewards and praise versus going to work every day and just being normal and really quite unimportant in the real world. Another of the many theoretic bi-effects of video gaming gradually affecting the human mind.

#47 Posted by AsperGamer (161 posts) -

I only recently came out of a 6 week deep depression. That lasted about 5 days only to return to it. I have always had some issues with depression, but never so deep or for so long. Mine is mainly work related. I have had a miserable 12 months (they disposed of a colleague and double my workload by taking up his role as well as mine) and I expect to lose my job soon, which only fuels the depression. The stress has pushed my blood pressure to 200/110. I find myself lost and shedding tears way too frequently. After 2 weeks off sick recently, my boss has only made it clear that I should just quit and she doesn't want to know what my problems are, just that I should work harder, get better results and then they will ease up on me (she also suggested I should quit - I won't be doing that). I sleep very poorly and am chronically tired and find my tasks just getting further and further behind. The 2 weeks off only exacerbated that issue.

My doctor wants me to take anti-depressants and for the last 3 weeks they just sit on the fridge - I don't want to take them. They sit there with the blood pressure medicine, which I also haven't taken - I risk having a stroke. It has become so bad I recently lost 2 days of my life - literally, I have absolutely no recollection of 2 days of my life.

So yes, I have depression. I think a lot about ending my life and some exotic ways to do it, but I don't believe that would go through with it. I feel like I am on a horrible ride and I just want to get off. Perhaps my annus horribilus will end and I will return to being the extremely happy and vibrant person I once was - I miss that guy.

Personally I think depression is pretty normal. I see it as just part of the cycle of life and have never been bothered by it, until this year. I wish anyone here dealing with it all the best.

#48 Posted by haffy (673 posts) -

@Funkydupe said:

Its probably not relevant here but I read in an article that people who play video games frequently, and therefor experience a lot in the virtual space, can enter a state where pretty much everything in "real life" becomes boring by comparison and that could bring confusion and depression because you've developed a need to reach a higher threshold to become happy or feel 'fulfilled'. Again and again for example experiencing an epic struggle where the player is the hero, making a big difference in a fictional world, receiving rewards and praise versus going to work every day and just being normal and really quite unimportant in the real world. Another of the many theoretic bi-effects of video gaming gradually affecting the human mind.

Correlation does not imply causation. It's really easy to see a higher number of people with this condition happen to play video games and say they're to blame. But it doesn't mean it's the cause or trigger.

I mean look at this;

http://www.cybercollege.com/fog33.htm

Christianity doesn't necessarily effect murder rate. It just happens to have a positive correlation.

#49 Posted by Ben_H (3384 posts) -

You aren't alone in this. I have similar issues. I have the odd day, usually once a week, where i just feel completely hopeless and useless, and even on regular days I just feel miserable a lot of the time, even though I know I shouldn't be. Luckily I have a very close friend I can talk to about this stuff as we are completely open with each other about absolutely everything and it definitely helps. I've been like this for almost 5 years now but I refuse to take medication for it, though I definitely should. It also doesn't help that I am a fairly severe perfectionist, so everything I do feels inadequate as is, which just makes things even worse at times, though I am slowly learning to get over that.
 
@Kaineda77: We don't kick people when they're down here. That's not how this forum works. Never has worked that way, never will work that way.

#50 Posted by stonepawfox (236 posts) -

i know this is the depression thread but i'm going to turn it into the whatever undiagnosed mood or personality disorder thread~! or just the feeling i get when i don't sleep enough thread!

generally i go back and forth between feeling totally muted with the world, being really anxious and hating everything and feeling an urge to destroy (which I don't act on because hey i'm not a crazy person), and being miserably depressed. i don't, however, allow these emotions to become known to other people unless something breaks my willpower and i start yelling and throwing shit and hitting myself/walls. but that only occurs when someone like my girlfriend who has a lot of legitimate reasons to be upset has put upon me this force, something to move me out of my general apathy, which instantly makes me extremely uncomfortable. i don't think i can reliably exist outside of that area for long. it's the same thing with social interaction or being in public or having people depend on me, if it goes on too long i start getting panicked and then can freak out. basically it's all i can manage to deal with work, which i perform adequately i guess.

and yet none of this matters to me in a way that would make me want to change! i don't think it's a big deal, i'm not intruding on anyone else's life and they have no reason to intrude on mine, i am not going to kill myself, i theoretically am doing everything i want to do even if i don't get all that much joy out of it (i don't know if it's joy or just that passing feeling of comfort that means i am free from worldly cares that i feel, well actually i guess i feel both, the apathy is just the acceptable day to day feeling, joy comes when i'm petting a kitten or something). in the end i don't see how it's a big deal. sometimes i'm pretty upset but i know if i try i can go out and accomplish what i want to do, even though i have almost no motivation whatsoever to accomplish things.

there's not really a need to be happy for me. there's a need to not make anyone else unhappy, and by being totally free from affecting others then i can relax. it makes for a fun time with my girlfriend who has ptsd and attachment issues. but does it really matter?

do you ever sometimes think about space and the relative value of humanity (or lack thereof) compared to the cold unloving godless universe in which we circumstantially reside? a lot of people do and they get over it. but i just think about these things constantly and sometimes it's really depressing but oftentimes i just accept it and realize i can't communicate with people because most of them are upset by that kind of reasoning, or they cope much better with it. i dunno, life is weird. well anyway, thanks for reading, guess i should go back to slacking off at work slightly differently. love you gb forums!