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#1 Posted by Unchained (1081 posts) -

Because I just called it quits. Married for 9 years and 10 months. Couldn't quite make 10. 
 
It's rough. No pre-nup because I thought it would be ludicrous when I was marrying her.  Now....I know I'm going to be giving up my house, half my pension, a huge chunk of my salary and be back to living in the basement of my parents' place after being independent for 13 years. Even with all that, I still feel free. No kids, thankfully. But I think my dog is going to be a war. All in all, I hope the relationship is still amicable. Not sure if it will be though.  I feel like a shit, but I can't live my life unhappily. 
 
So, I'm just wanting to know how many fellow Giant Bombers out there have gone through this shit. Advice /jokes/ idiocy would be welcome.

#2 Posted by crazyleaves (648 posts) -

Let her have the house. The pension is yours though, no kids no problem. Keep you chin up.

#3 Posted by laserbolts (5331 posts) -

Sorry about the divorce but take the main positive in this. NO KIDS. You'll be fine just have to think positive and things will work out for you. DO NOT PITY YOURSELF. Self pity is one of the worse most poisoning things you can do to yourself.

#4 Posted by fisher81 (535 posts) -

Dog > all.

#5 Posted by Mesklinite (807 posts) -

Well, maybe not quite the same, but I just moved out from my gf's place, needed some space, separated stuff. Shitty stuff to go through. I feel ya. Freedom will be nice, trust me!

#6 Edited by mordukai (7157 posts) -

@crazyleaves said:

Let her have the house. The pension is yours though, no kids no problem. Keep you chin up.

unless she decided to punish him and go for the throat. In this case get yourself a good, and soulless, lawyer and make sure everything is divided in half.

I do wish you good luck and I hope everything will go smoothly between you too. It's going to be rough but in time you'll recover and get back on your feet.

#7 Posted by Voxus (343 posts) -

@crazyleaves said:

Let her have the house. The pension is yours though, no kids no problem. Keep you chin up.

Truth.

#8 Posted by hawkinson76 (374 posts) -

No divorces for me, knock on wood, but we have three kids, it would be a lot more complicate than your situation. So there is that. Also, as she has been home raising the kids for 10 years, she has definitely earned half (if not more) of the income I have brought in the past 10 years, and more since her career was derailed and she would have to start over.

Does that help? I suck at this.

#9 Posted by nintendoeats (5975 posts) -

My parents separated when I was like 7, but got back together about a year later. My girlfriend's parents are now divorced, and it's made her paranoid about OUR relationship.

What I'm saying is, if you had kids I would be beating you over the head right now and telling you to get your ass in the kitchen. Without...well, stuff happens I guess.

#10 Posted by Dvsshark (34 posts) -

Wait doe ex-wives really go after the dog, that can't be real. It's mans bess friend for crying out loud.

#11 Posted by beej (1674 posts) -

@Dvsshark said:

Wait doe ex-wives really go after the dog, that can't be real. It's mans bess friend for crying out loud.

Because a dog can't be her best friend?

#12 Posted by RPGee (759 posts) -

My condolences, Mr Unchained, but at least you're being mature and doing the most sensible things: you want your relationship to still be amicable; and you're focusing on your own personal happiness. I won't claim to have any experience whatsoever with divorce, but following two mantras like those ("I'm Number 1" and "I don't want to be a tool") seem to go well just about anywhere in life.

Otherwise, I tend to find this cheers me up like nothing else:

#13 Posted by Unchained (1081 posts) -

You guys damn near made me choke up. Nothing like having complete strangers (but who share the love games and Giant Bomb and geekiness) rooting for you.  
 
Fighting for the pension is some good advice. I think the worth of the house would offset it.

#14 Posted by Athadam (697 posts) -

Why does she get to have the house?

#15 Posted by StrainedEyes (1326 posts) -

Yes. My wife of two years (7 year total relationship) left me 2 months ago for not very good reasons. She has refused any attempts at reconciling or at even responding to me, and it has completely devastated me emotionally.

The divorce itself is uncontested, though, so at least I don't have to deal with anything crazy on that end.

#16 Posted by Aegon (5706 posts) -

What the fuck is with women getting the house. Just...what the fuck. How much of the mortgage did she pay?

#17 Posted by Paindamnation (807 posts) -

My parents.

#18 Posted by Dvsshark (34 posts) -

@beej: Maybe... who got the dog first that's the only way to settle this.

#19 Edited by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

@Castermhief117 said:

Why does she get to have the house?

Seriously. If i ever get divorced I'm burning my motherfucking house/apartment down.

#20 Posted by sashimi_biscut (99 posts) -

If you have no kids, then she doesn't have a right to a large amount of your salary. At most, she is entitled to half the amount of money you made durring the marriage. This is AT MOST. If she has her own job, then she gets a lot less. If she doesn't, she gets more. (lets not get into it, there are legit reasons for that).

She will get some alimony and half the house if things go normal. If you get a good lawyer you will have to give her much less depending on how you guys spent and divided your assest. Don't get down on yourself, she isn't going to take everything. That doesn't happen in real life to most people.

#21 Posted by murisan (1119 posts) -

I've not been married, so I can't say I've been divorced.. but I wish I could give you some sort of advice because I HAVE had very serious 2+ year relationships.. and I can only attempt to imagine the problems/pain involved.

However, this is my viewpoint: possessions can be replaced. If she is going to fight you for material bullshit, bargain for the dog in return for some of those material things. No matter your age, I guarantee you will find a better love down the line. I say that because my aunt AND uncle have both had several marriages, and they are just now settling down and seeming truly happy with their spouses at 50+.

Keep the chin up, keep going...

#22 Posted by Dany (7887 posts) -

My brother and sister-in-law are separating. They have a 3 year old baby girl and the thought of her growing up wither her dad makes brings me to tears, fucking devastating.

#23 Posted by Patman99 (1611 posts) -

Dont worry, divorce is a pretty common phenomena. Yeah it sucks but the emotional wounds will eventually heal. On the bright side, I have a friend whose parents both had a marriage (without kids) before they got together. They have been together for a really long time, long before my friend was even born. Just goes to show you that your first love may or may not be your "true" love.

#24 Posted by Korwin (2896 posts) -

@Castermhief117 said:

Why does she get to have the house?

Because history would suggest that this happens more often than not.

#25 Posted by Slag (4615 posts) -

@Unchained: lawyer-up pronto if you haven't.

This isn't one time where being the nice guy is going to work out for you. Make sure you get good advice, as not protecting yourself and your assets now can get extremely expensive for you for years to come.

As others have said, depending on what state you are in you shouldn't have to give up your pension. And it's possible you are conceding a lot more of your assets than you actually need to.

That's the kind of stuff a good divorce lawyer can help you with, even if you don't want to get aggressive.

Sorry it didn't work out for you guys.

#26 Posted by dudeglove (8022 posts) -

Just going to sit here and watch this thread descend into a "All women are money-grabbing scum/whores/etc." Don't disappoint me, Internet.

#27 Posted by Chop (1999 posts) -

Man...marriage is terrifying.

My heart goes out to you. Here's hoping that you and your ex stay on good terms and that neither of you get it up the ass from the court system.

#28 Posted by Unchained (1081 posts) -
@Slag: Great advice. I was thinking about just going through a mediator, but maybe a lawyer is better. Your advice resonates with me as the right path to take.  I know money is going to be extremely tight here on out, and the thought of paying an additional 10 grand (my co-worker who recently went through a divorce quoted me this cost) for a lawyer sounded painful. That said, I don't want to be 10 years from now and still being shafted simply because I didn't want to be an asshole.
#29 Posted by DukesT3 (1933 posts) -

A chick I was crazy for in high school just went through her divorce. Now shes in a different stage in life than I am since we started talking. Totally into another dude, afraid of the love word and I'm just... well fuck at least she's happy.

#30 Posted by TheBostonPops (70 posts) -
@Unchained Also, set up a few sessions with a therapist. My roommate divorced after a 6 year marriage and had perpetual "broken baby bird" syndrome about it that held him up from getting back on his feet for 2 years. He finally got a therapist and the shift was like night and day. Even if you think you don't need one, book a session anyway, it will help.
#31 Edited by Guided_By_Tigers (8061 posts) -

You can work on the divorce concept page I created a few weeks back.

But in all seriousness sorry to hear that.

#32 Posted by mfpantst (2574 posts) -
@Unchained I've been through one with a kid. We used a mediator because we wanted to keep things amicable for our daughter. That has worked well. That said, if the desire for amiability is not mutual a mediator wont help. Condolences. Pm me if you want to ask specific questions.
#33 Posted by Marcsman (3239 posts) -

Sorry to hear about it.

#34 Posted by Drebin_893 (2924 posts) -

Sorry to hear man. I know it can't be much help but my Mum and Dad both married and divorced earlier in their lives, they met 29 years ago and have been married for 24. I really wish you the best of luck.

#35 Posted by JustKamToo (701 posts) -

Last September I left my girlfriend of 10 years (well just under) we never had moved into together one of the reasons we split (I wanted to move In with her) things got worse and we split. I’m quite happy now but last year was arse.

Keep yourself busy and focus on moving on.

#36 Edited by BiG_Weasel (524 posts) -

I've been divorced for over a year now. Let me tell you this: Do not ever get married legally. If you want to have a preacher/priest do the ceremony, then that's fine. But under no circumstances sign the paperwork. My girlfriend and I live together, and she saw me finish up the divorce process. She agrees that the legal aspect is bullshit, so we're just going to go without it.. Save yourself the hassle. Don't get married, live with your better half, and save your receipts.

This is also what kills me about the religious people being upset about "gay marriage". There are two sides to marriage- The legal side, which is essentially a contract; and the religious side, which is just up to your own personal beliefs.

#37 Posted by BonOrbitz (2217 posts) -

@BiG_Weasel said:

I've been divorced for over a year now. Let me tell you this: Do not ever get married legally. If you want to have a preacher/priest do the ceremony, then that's fine. But under no circumstances sign the paperwork. My girlfriend and I live together, and she saw me finish up the divorce process. She agrees that the legal aspect is bullshit, so we're just going to go without it.. Save yourself the hassle. Don't get married, live with your better half, and save your receipts.

This is also what kills me about the religious people being upset about "gay marriage". There are two sides to marriage- The legal side, which is essentially a contract; and the religious side, which is just up to your own personal beliefs.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 6 1/2 years and we're happy. We're engaged but not in any rush to get married because we want her to finish school before we start dropping money on a ceremony and honeymoon. It scares the shit outta me to hear these divorce/break up stories involving relationships that have been as long if not a little longer than my own because I'm afraid it'll hit me for no particular reason, just paranoia.

I'm liking your idea Big Weasel, about saying "fuck it" to the legal marriage process. Unfortunately, because of laws I'm under the assumption that we won't have rights. For example, if one of us in dying in a hospital the other one won't be able to visit or care for the other person.

Anyway, good luck Unchained! Can't say I've been in your shoes, but it sounds like a lot of good advice is being presented in this thread.

#38 Posted by BiG_Weasel (524 posts) -

@bonorbitz said:

@BiG_Weasel said:

I've been divorced for over a year now. Let me tell you this: Do not ever get married legally. If you want to have a preacher/priest do the ceremony, then that's fine. But under no circumstances sign the paperwork. My girlfriend and I live together, and she saw me finish up the divorce process. She agrees that the legal aspect is bullshit, so we're just going to go without it.. Save yourself the hassle. Don't get married, live with your better half, and save your receipts.

This is also what kills me about the religious people being upset about "gay marriage". There are two sides to marriage- The legal side, which is essentially a contract; and the religious side, which is just up to your own personal beliefs.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 6 1/2 years and we're happy. We're engaged but not in any rush to get married because we want her to finish school before we start dropping money on a ceremony and honeymoon. It scares the shit outta me to hear these divorce/break up stories involving relationships that have been as long if not a little longer than my own because I'm afraid it'll hit me for no particular reason, just paranoia.

I'm liking your idea Big Weasel, about saying "fuck it" to the legal marriage process. Unfortunately, because of laws I'm under the assumption that we won't have rights. For example, if one of us in dying in a hospital the other one won't be able to visit or care for the other person.

Anyway, good luck Unchained! Can't say I've been in your shoes, but it sounds like a lot of good advice is being presented in this thread.

As far as legal rights, you can set limited rights up for her. Get yourself a lawyer, draft a living will, and set her as having Power of Attorney under very specific circumstances. Problem solved.

#39 Posted by BonOrbitz (2217 posts) -

@BiG_Weasel said:

@bonorbitz said:

@BiG_Weasel said:

I've been divorced for over a year now. Let me tell you this: Do not ever get married legally. If you want to have a preacher/priest do the ceremony, then that's fine. But under no circumstances sign the paperwork. My girlfriend and I live together, and she saw me finish up the divorce process. She agrees that the legal aspect is bullshit, so we're just going to go without it.. Save yourself the hassle. Don't get married, live with your better half, and save your receipts.

This is also what kills me about the religious people being upset about "gay marriage". There are two sides to marriage- The legal side, which is essentially a contract; and the religious side, which is just up to your own personal beliefs.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 6 1/2 years and we're happy. We're engaged but not in any rush to get married because we want her to finish school before we start dropping money on a ceremony and honeymoon. It scares the shit outta me to hear these divorce/break up stories involving relationships that have been as long if not a little longer than my own because I'm afraid it'll hit me for no particular reason, just paranoia.

I'm liking your idea Big Weasel, about saying "fuck it" to the legal marriage process. Unfortunately, because of laws I'm under the assumption that we won't have rights. For example, if one of us in dying in a hospital the other one won't be able to visit or care for the other person.

Anyway, good luck Unchained! Can't say I've been in your shoes, but it sounds like a lot of good advice is being presented in this thread.

As far as legal rights, you can set limited rights up for her. Get yourself a lawyer, draft a living will, and set her as having Power of Attorney under very specific circumstances. Problem solved.

Duly noted! Thanks for the suggestion. That sounds like the reasonable route to look into and pursue...

#40 Posted by Tylea002 (2295 posts) -

Only from the perspective of a kid.

And thank god you don't have them, because it's horrible for them. And this is only from far smaller parallels in my life, but give her the house and more money than she deserves, just to stop it becoming a full on court case. Watching a family become bitter and argue about this horrible bullshit is basically the worst thing that's ever happened to me, so even if it costs you more money in the long run, just talk to her and sort everything out without lawyers, and give her what she thinks she deserves.

Because seeing it from the inside, it's worth all the money in the world to just have that process over, and feel free.

#41 Posted by stryker1121 (1527 posts) -

@Unchained: A decade in is rough to end things, I'm sure, but no kids makes the break unbelievably cleaner. I cannot speak for myself, but I have two friends who went thru nightmare divorces b/c of the kid situation. Another buddy got divorced w/ no kids, split amicably w/ his wife, moved to Chicago and got re-married. He's happier than I've ever seen him. Keep your chin up, man, you can re-find happiness.

#42 Posted by BiG_Weasel (524 posts) -

@bonorbitz: My pleasure, bud. There are ways around going all-in, that allow the benefits with none of the risk. You just have to know how to game the system.

#43 Posted by NegativeCero (3014 posts) -

Man, this thread is a giant bummer. Sorry to hear about this, duder. And no, I haven't been married and don't plan to for a long time.

@TheDudeOfGaming said:

@Castermhief117 said:

Why does she get to have the house?

Seriously. If i ever get divorced I'm burning my motherfucking house/apartment down.

I love this response so much.

#44 Posted by Godlyawesomeguy (6399 posts) -

My parents got separated about 11 months ago, but they were never married so that made everything pretty easy, actually. I don't have any experience with actual divorce, but I empathize with your situation, dude. Hope everything turns out to be all right.

#45 Posted by BraveToaster (12589 posts) -

Fuck that. A pre-nup is mandatory if/when I get married. You have to look out for yourself, no matter how "in love" you are.

@Castermhief117 said:

Why does she get to have the house?

Because she has a vagina.

#46 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

@BraveToaster said:

Fuck that. A pre-nup is mandatory if/when I get married. You have to look out for yourself, no matter how "in love" you are.

Then what's the point of getting married? Not dying alone?

#47 Edited by BraveToaster (12589 posts) -

@TheDudeOfGaming said:

@BraveToaster said:

Fuck that. A pre-nup is mandatory if/when I get married. You have to look out for yourself, no matter how "in love" you are.

Then what's the point of getting married? Not dying alone?

Yeah, that's it. You've answered the question.

#48 Posted by Pibo47 (3166 posts) -

Dude you can easily keep the dog, pension, and salary if you get a good divorce lawyer. Go look one up in your area. You shouldn't let her take everything from you.

#49 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

@BraveToaster:

#50 Posted by BraveToaster (12589 posts) -

@TheDudeOfGaming: My last comment was sarcastic...