#1 Posted by Tearhead (2155 posts) -

So I recently returned to my home of Barbados after doing 4 years of college in California, USA, and am now currently working. Now that I have returned a full fledged adult, I have taken a bigger roll in helping my mom in the general responsibilities one would have when owning a house, such as paying bills and home upkeep. It is here where I have realized how much a pain in the ass this can be.

Our yard has three fruit trees, one mango tree in the front, one banana tree in the back, and one sugar-apple tree (click here if you don't know what this is), also in the back. It is here where my main frustration lies. Monkeys take all my fucking mangoes, birds pick at fucking everything, and assholes trespass on our fucking property to steal these fruits. Just today I had to chase off some kid who had a stick just bashing our sugar-apple tree hoping something would drop. Also, people just litter on my fucking lawn! Who does that?!

It's just fucking lame that I have these stupid suburban problems, and just wanted to vent. What about you guys? Any stupid suburban problems you encounter on a regular basis?

Oh, and kids... Get off my fucking lawn!

#2 Posted by SexyToad (2760 posts) -

Have you tried touching the kid's shoulder? With a bat.

#3 Posted by SSully (4129 posts) -

I hate when monkeys steal my mangoes.

#4 Posted by wjb (1643 posts) -

Call Rihanna. Maybe she can help.

(end knowledge of Barbados)

#5 Posted by RenMcKormack (1073 posts) -

mostly high school kids throw empty brisk cans in my yard over my fence. If a monkey got into my yard it would be an EVENT, not necessarily an annoyance.

#6 Posted by BraveToaster (12590 posts) -

You're a far nicer person than I am. I would spray the trees with "insecticides".

#7 Posted by TheHumanDove (2523 posts) -

I hate when people walk too slowly across my suburban road.

#8 Posted by NlGHTCRAWLER (1215 posts) -

@wjb said:

Call Rihanna. Maybe she can help.

(end knowledge of Barbados)

Oh. I thought you were referencing her because of her abnormally large forehead.

#9 Posted by shermanatorek (114 posts) -

Do you eat the fruit on the trees? If not you should find a way to poison them. Just sayin'.

#10 Posted by Breadfan (6589 posts) -

Train the monkeys to fight for you.

#11 Posted by MarkWahlberg (4583 posts) -

You can always put up a sign saying 'please don't steal our fruit'. Worth a try, anyway.

You're fucked as far as the monkeys go. Doesn't matter what kind, those things are always a pain in the ass.

#12 Posted by envane (1159 posts) -

giant cage of bird netting ? seriously .. also put some fucking signs saying , IF YOU STEAL MY FRUIT YOUR FAMILY WILL BE CURSED WITH ZOMBIE VOODOO AIDS

but yeah if you want to grow fruit in the open youll need a pretty sturdy bird net (monkeys wont give a fuck probably)

#13 Posted by ManU_Fan10ne (662 posts) -

@MarkWahlberg said:

You can always put up a sign saying 'please don't steal our fruit'. Worth a try, anyway.

You're fucked as far as the monkeys go. Doesn't matter what kind, those things are always a pain in the ass.

Or, you can put up a sign saying 'we have cameras' or 'trespassers will be shot' or 'beware dog, he kills' or something......

#14 Posted by teh_destroyer (3562 posts) -

I hate it when kids walk through my lawn in my front and back yard. I just put some bear traps down all over the place so hopefully I can catch one and see why they keep on doing that....

#15 Posted by Vinny_Says (5691 posts) -

Get a rottweiler or a doberman and keep him outside.

#16 Posted by gumdealer (96 posts) -

The only problem I've ever encountered living in the suburbs was when someone stole my pet pit bull. I was like five and someone cut the leash we kept him on. It wasn't until years later we found out our neighbor took him to New Jersey for dog fighting. That dog was like a kitten, I have no idea what would drive someone to that.

#17 Posted by Hizang (8533 posts) -

@BraveToaster said:

You're a far nicer person than I am. I would spray the trees with "insecticides".

YES

#18 Edited by isomeri (1226 posts) -

At the last suburban house I lived in we had more trouble with the neighbors than anyone else. This one woman a couple of houses down used to get way too drunk and mortar empty bottles around the block. I swear, she could throw an empty bottle of wine at least 50 meters.

Now I live in an apartment, and cause more trouble than I'm dealt.

EDIT: Oh and for your problem. Install some sprinklers around your lawn and hook them up to a movement detector. You can get green dyes to add to your sprinkler. The green will obviously keep your lawn real pretty looking, and fuck up those monkeys and kids.

#19 Posted by g6065 (271 posts) -

@Tearhead said:

Monkeys take all my fucking mangoes

Reading this has made my day.

Bravo sir, bravo.

#20 Posted by Wong_Fei_Hung (642 posts) -

I'd use a bird of prey model...

#21 Posted by mlarrabee (2889 posts) -

Leave a sign reading: "One of these pieces of fruit is injected with strychnine. Come, try your luck!"

It'll teach the monkeys to read, too.

#22 Posted by FiestaUnicorn (1577 posts) -

@Tearhead said:

So I recently returned to my home of Barbados after doing 4 years of college in California, USA, and am now currently working. Now that I have returned a full fledged adult, I have taken a bigger roll in helping my mom in the general responsibilities one would have when owning a house, such as paying bills and home upkeep. It is here where I have realized how much a pain in the ass this can be.

Our yard has three fruit trees, one mango tree in the front, one banana tree in the back, and one sugar-apple tree (click here if you don't know what this is), also in the back. It is here where my main frustration lies. Monkeys take all my fucking mangoes, birds pick at fucking everything, and assholes trespass on our fucking property to steal these fruits. Just today I had to chase off some kid who had a stick just bashing our sugar-apple tree hoping something would drop. Also, people just litter on my fucking lawn! Who does that?!

It's just fucking lame that I have these stupid suburban problems, and just wanted to vent. What about you guys? Any stupid suburban problems you encounter on a regular basis?

Oh, and kids... Get off my fucking lawn!

Move your house to America so they'll think you'll have a gun.

#23 Posted by Tearhead (2155 posts) -

@shermanatorek said:

Do you eat the fruit on the trees? If not you should find a way to poison them. Just sayin'.

Of course I eat the fruit. Sugar-apples and mangoes are fucking amazing! Bananas are ok too.

#24 Posted by QuantumPilot (86 posts) -

@gumdealer: That is fucking sick. Please Please tell me something bad happened to your neighbor for that.

#25 Posted by Counterclockwork87 (613 posts) -

Maybe move back to California where monkeys and kids won't steal your fruit? I don't know any thing about Barbados.

#26 Posted by Arbie (1449 posts) -

Whoa, I would love having monkeys coming into my garden. I'm also sure the birds you have differ from the ones I have, so I'd love to see those too! I never see a problem with wildlife coming into the garden to eat, even when the badger decides it's going to destroy the entire lawn because it fancies digging some holes.

As for the kids, we've had that trouble in France. My dad just glares at the though. But he looks like a viking so I guess it kinda works for him. You should put up a sign saying "I'm watching you" or just run out and do something weird to gain yourself the reputation of being a crazy man. Hey, how about dressing up as Slenderman?

#27 Posted by Brodehouse (9643 posts) -

Put a scarekid out.

#28 Posted by GunslingerPanda (4646 posts) -

I live near a school. The kids throw bricks at the cars on the street and put out cigarettes on cars driving past. Lovely area.

#29 Posted by gumdealer (96 posts) -

@QuantumPilot: I'd like to think karma has caught up to him. What's really fucked up is that he would come over to my house all the time right up until he moved, and never acted like he did anything wrong.

#30 Posted by Sweep (8827 posts) -

Sit out on the porch in a rocking chair and, every so often, spit in a jar.

Moderator
#31 Posted by psylah (2162 posts) -

Airsoft gun to shoot at the monkeys and other critters.

Also since it will look close enough like a real gun, it will keep the kids away as well.

#32 Posted by j0lter (225 posts) -

@SexyToad: The cops weren't too pleased with me the last time i tried that...

#33 Posted by believer258 (11682 posts) -

I'm in the American Southeast, so I'd just sit on the porch with a shotgun and read my Bible, with a sign saying ANY TRESPASSING SONS OF BITCHES WILL BE SHOT.

#34 Posted by deathstriker666 (1337 posts) -

Water hose. Blast those monkeys and water the plants at the same time!

#35 Posted by Voshterkoff (125 posts) -

Motion activated security lights?