Giant Bomb Xtreme Advice Line, help!

EDIT: So, yeah, decided to walk away from the situation entirely.

Hey, Bombers. Got a bit of a situation, and I don't really want to bring it up with people I know personally (don't need word of mouth getting involved).

Here's the situation: My friend - let's call her Jill for this - has been hanging out with this guy - we'll call him Bob. Bob is engaged to another woman - we can call her Mary. Jill has done questionable things with guys who are in committed relationships in the past, so the concern is that Jill and Bob are fooling around behind Mary's back.

Other than Jill's past offenses with this, she has been acting peculiar whenever prompted about Bob. She has said things like "there are things in my life going on that I could never tell you," which makes me think she's hiding something because I was so disapproving of her actions when she slept with a guy who had a girlfriend in the past. During a conversation about Bob, when I asked if there was something going on, she said she didn't want to talk about it but "there's more to the story." Perhaps the most damning evidence though, is that when I asked if Mary cared about her and Bob hanging out together alone while Mary wasn't there Jill responded, "she's usually MIA." To me, that response implies that Mary isn't even aware that Jill and Bob are hanging out. Also, a quick Facebook search showed me that Jill and Mary aren't friends, perhaps more evidence that Mary isn't aware of her. I know that if I were friends with an engaged woman, I'd certainly befriend her fiance so that he'd be comfortable with the situation.

Here's my dilemma, do I contact Mary and inform her, or is that crossing the line? I've thought about this a bit. It seems best not to jump to conclusions, but at the same time what could it hurt to just ask her if she's aware of the situation? I have considered messaging her anonymously and just checking in.

What do you guys think?

Oh, and does this qualify for the girl trouble picture?

Your evidence sounds flimsy. You'll need something more concrete than the vagueries presented before us.

Dude, Giant Bomb Xtreme Girl Advice Line jokes are supposed to be AT you, not with you. You're ruining it!

@Brendan said:

Dude, Giant Bomb Xtreme Girl Advice Line jokes are supposed to be AT you, not with you. You're ruining it!

Ah, well I don't think this really applies anyway, so..

Never move without some kind of evidence. It's time to implement those LA Noire detective skills.

@Video_Game_King: @ReyGitano: You guys are probably right about the evidence. But I mean, do I really need solid evidence to ask this girl if she knows her fiance is hanging out with another girl while she isn't home at night? If I'm wrong, she'd just say, "yeah, I know, who the fuck are you?" haha

If his evidence is flimsy there's no harm in bringing it up since there's nothing going on.

If you know Bob I'd try asking him about it, if he dodges you tell Mary about your concerns. For me cheating is one of the absolute worse things a person can do, if my GF was fooling around on me I'd want someone to let me know.

You absolutely do not contact her. It sucks but: A) You could be wrong B) it's not your duty C) The messenger could definitely be shot here by multiple parties.

Just. Walk. Away. I understand you're trying to be a good dude but yeah, this isn't the time.

@Blannir said:

If his evidence is flimsy there's no harm in bringing it up since there's nothing going on.

If you know Bob I'd try asking him about it, if he dodges you tell Mary about your concerns. For me cheating is one of the absolute worse things a person can do, if my GF was fooling around on me I'd want someone to let me know.

That's exactly where I'm coming from. As a person who has been cheated on before, I would want to be told. And I certainly wouldn't be too offended if somebody asked if I knew my fiance was hanging out with somebody while I was at work. Unfortunately, I don't know Bob personally, so I can't ask him.

@ReyGitano said:

Never move without some kind of evidence. It's time to implement those LA Noire detective skills.

I was in a more Sherlock Holmes type of mood, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

So to answer this question I would need to know if you are friends with Mary and Bob as well. If you were just friends with Jill then I wouldn't ruin your friendship with her by getting involved in the relationship of two people who are not also your friends. On the other hand, if Mary and Bob are also your friends I think it would be worth bringing the matter up with them. Basically if Mary's feelings are something you care about already then you owe it to her and to yourself to be honest with her. If Mary is just a girl who you know through Jill then don't get involved. It's not your relationship and if you are wrong you could damage a good thing. That said, if I ever caught Bob cheating then I would feel obligated to tell Mary simply because it would seem like the right thing to do, even though I don't know any of them. But you don't seem to know for certain, so until you do, I'd hold off unless you value Mary's feelings more than your friendship with Jill and Bob.

@ArtisanBreads: Out of curiosity, in what ways could 'the messenger be shot'? I don't really value the friendship, it's proven more stressful than anything, so I'm not worried if that's all that happens.

Who are you, Bob or Jill?

Any way, granted, I have not been in many relationships. but I have pretended to be. I would say if they cant trust each other, then they should not be together.

Having said that, A good friend would watch out for each other. That doesn't mean bringing your accusation up in conversation, but i could mean, telling her about "Jills" past offences, and letting it play from there.

Of coarse you run the risk of Mary, telling Jill that she got the info from you.

Ether way some one is screwed. No pun intended.

@HatKing said:

@ArtisanBreads: Out of curiosity, in what ways could 'the messenger be shot'? I don't really value the friendship, it's proven more stressful than anything, so I'm not worried if that's all that happens.

Well if you don't care about being cool with Jill anymore that's one thing... but why get involved then? It's only more of a reason to mind your own.

If you cared about Jill, that could blow up on you. Bob could come after you physically. Mary could bug out and blame you and go after you even if you are right. That kind of thing happens. People often don't act rationally in these situations.

EDIT: At the end of the day, people who cheat are miserable whether they show it or not. It will catch up with them. They are not happy and they are fulfilling their own sort of punishment.

Dude, don't get involved. Don't ask questions. Just don't.

Don't

@HatKing said:

@ArtisanBreads: Out of curiosity, in what ways could 'the messenger be shot'? I don't really value the friendship, it's proven more stressful than anything, so I'm not worried if that's all that happens.

If Jill's friendship isn't important to you then I see no reason not to talk to Mary about your concerns. If you're wrong and Jill gets upset with you for talking to Mary who cares? If you're right you just saved Mary from being with a dishonest jerk.

I think that if you send that message, it's going to leave Mary fuming about Bob no matter what's actually going on. She will bring it up to him, and there's a good chance everyone will realize it was you unless there's someone else knows all 3 of them. If you had more proof than maybe I could see doing it, but as is I don't really think it's your place.

@Dagbiker: @ArtisanBreads: @s10129107: Well, I suppose I'll set it aside for now. Maybe I'll ask some mutual friends what they think about the situation.

It's none of your business. Even if you think you're doing the right thing, it's none of your business.

Tell her to keep her eyes open then walk away. You don't have to do the sniffing, but you can express your concern and leave the rest to her. Unless she wants to hire you to do the sniffing. In which case add it to your quest log and get to it.

@TheHT: You have that Cheaters guy's number? hahah

@HatKing said:

@Dagbiker: @ArtisanBreads: @s10129107: Well, I suppose I'll set it aside for now. Maybe I'll ask some mutual friends what they think about the situation.

You said it was your friend, and if you weren't just being coy, and Jill really is just your friend. Then try to help her gently, dont get heavy on her. (Hopefully) she is a grown up, and needs to make mistakes of her own. Now ruining a guys marge is one thing. If anything, I would talk to the guy, Bob. Perhaps if you are good, you can do so without him even knowing you know about it. ( if its happening at all).

If all else fails you could just tell them straight out that if they continue down this path your going to have to tell Mary.

@Dagbiker: Well, we (Jill and I) were super close, but we've recently had a falling out - partially over this. I don't know Bob or Mary, nor have I even met them. The only information I have is going on what Jill has said, her past actions, and the fact that she and Mary aren't friends on Facebook.

Man if you don't know people going up to them with this information and trying to play "moral cop" is just the worst idea I think.

And like I said before, not that you are wrong, you are trying to do the right thing, but it's just not your place.

This comes off kind of creepy, oh king of hats. 
With the little information we have- this girl, who you don't seem to be in a relationship with, is allegedly having an affair with a potentially married or otherwise engaged dude. 
 
My lord, oh king of hats, what does this have to do with you and why are you sticking your nose in it? 
Legitimately curious. 
 
In answer to your question- yes. Letting this Mary person know would be fucked up. This is, again, based on what little info we have.

Maybe I've seen it often in real life with other people, but the Mary's in this situation aren't usually "grateful" for the information. I know if I were Mary and someone (especially someone I didn't know) came up and told me my partner was cheating on me, I'd tell them to fuck off. We can't expect people to immediately go with someone else's word over the person they're in love with.

Even if there's evidence, we can't expect the Mary's of the world to be like, "Rad, thanks for the heads up. We gotta stick together." They'll be upset, and probably take it out on you for bringing it to their attention.

@HatKing said:

@Dagbiker: Well, we (Jill and I) were super close, but we've recently had a falling out - partially over this. I don't know Bob or Mary, nor have I even met them. The only information I have is going on what Jill has said, her past actions, and the fact that she and Mary aren't friends on Facebook.

Then I wouldn't worry too much about it, You didn't say so, but if she was your EX then I would stay out of her love life as much as possible, you sound like you want to help Bob and Mary. But, again, if she was your EX, she might just get pissed at you. And just resent you.

And generally, I wouldn't spend a lot of time dwelling on her. The more you think about her the more you wont be able to not think about her. She sounds like the kind of girl that has a lot of growing up to do. And some one you would dream about, but not some one you want in reality.

" so the concern is that Jill and Bob are fooling around behind Mary's back." What concern? Yours? It's not your business. If Jill is concerned then let her handle it. I'm sure she doesn't need some dude who isn't involved rushing in and telling her what to do. And "past offenses"? Seriously? It sounds like you need to get a grip and work your own shit out before looking like a major ass swooping in to run someone else's life

You don't know Bob or Mary, only Jill? 
 
Leave it alone. It's not your place, and even if you're right, what do you gain from it? 
 
 
Leave it alone.

@HatKing: It's no fun if you post the Ryan meme first.

I have no idea how to feel about this also there was a mention of Facebook creeping. I don't even know anymore.

Nope. Walk Away. Not only will you be accused of attempting to ruin two people's relationship that you don't even know, the other one will turn on you as well. As a matter of fact you should probably stop hanging out with her anyway.

@BrianP said:

" so the concern is that Jill and Bob are fooling around behind Mary's back." What concern? Yours? It's not your business. If Jill is concerned then let her handle it. I'm sure she doesn't need some dude who isn't involved rushing in and telling her what to do. And "past offenses"? Seriously? It sounds like you need to get a grip and work your own shit out before looking like a major ass swooping in to run someone else's life

This.

@HatKing said:

@Dagbiker: Well, we (Jill and I) were super close, but we've recently had a falling out - partially over this. I don't know Bob or Mary, nor have I even met them. The only information I have is going on what Jill has said, her past actions, and the fact that she and Mary aren't friends on Facebook.

Then you need to but the hell out. If you don't know any of the parties involved beyond "Jill" then it isn't your business. Also if "Jill and Bob" are doing the horizontal mamba then you know who is ruining the marriage? "Bob" himself. If you do get involved in this thing (especially when none of the parties but Jill even knows you) it will go very very badly in many ways and you will get a lot of hate from all three of them. Bear in mind this will be how it plays out whether you are right, wrong, or somewhere in the middle. They aren't your friends, they aren't your family, it is not your business, do not get involved.

PS: If "Jill" is your EX has it ever dawned on you she might be bullshitting just to get you jealous/screw with you? If she is as shallow as you imply it is a definite possibility.

I would tell Mary my concerns about the woman. I would also straight up ask bob of he's fooling around.

@HatKing said:

@ArtisanBreads: Out of curiosity, in what ways could 'the messenger be shot'? I don't really value the friendship, it's proven more stressful than anything, so I'm not worried if that's all that happens.

The messenger could be shot with a bullet. Seriously, what is Bob is in the Mafia? You would be fucked. There are a few things you could do -

Touch someones shoulder.

Fake your own death.

Call the number on the Xtreme Advice Line image.

Hire a personal detective to find out what has been inside Jill.

Don't do anything and play some videogames.

@Dagbiker said:

@HatKing said:

@Dagbiker: Well, we (Jill and I) were super close, but we've recently had a falling out - partially over this. I don't know Bob or Mary, nor have I even met them. The only information I have is going on what Jill has said, her past actions, and the fact that she and Mary aren't friends on Facebook.

And generally, I wouldn't spend a lot of time dwelling on her. The more you think about her the more you wont be able to not think about her. She sounds like the kind of girl that has a lot of growing up to do. And some one you would dream about, but not some one you want in reality.

If this is part of it that you're not getting at then Dagbiker here gives good advice... I was involved with a girl that was this way for years and even though I really miss her and never have found someone who I've liked as much she had these kind of flaws and I just had to walk away. Maybe one day when she "grows up" as he puts it. She was definitely the type you "dream about, but not some one you want in reality".

@Godlyawesomeguy: Sorry to take that away from you.

@HatKing said:

I don't really value the friendship, it's proven more stressful than anything, so I'm not worried if that's all that happens.

Stop being friends with Jill. Don't get involved, and break ties with her. This honestly sounds like a giant waste of your time.

Don't concern yourself with matters that you aren't a part of. In fact, find better friends.

@ArtisanBreads said:

You absolutely do not contact her. It sucks but: A) You could be wrong B) it's not your duty C) The messenger could definitely be shot here by multiple parties.

Just. Walk. Away. I understand you're trying to be a good dude but yeah, this isn't the time.

^ Great advice.

This has prolly been said, but it's Bobs issue. If you have some sort of beef you can't let go of, talk to that guy.

"Who's that girl your soon-to-be-probably-maybe-not-now-husband is walking around with all day when you're not around?" 
And then let it sort itself out 
 
That might be terrible advice when you actually care about the people involved though.

How is this any of your business at all? Mind your own affairs and keep your nose out of the affairs of others.

@ArtisanBreads said:

You absolutely do not contact her. It sucks but: A) You could be wrong B) it's not your duty C) The messenger could definitely be shot here by multiple parties.

Just. RUN. Away. I understand you're trying to be a good dude but yeah, this isn't the time.

Fixed

Unless you have some connection with Mary, then none of this is any of your business whatsoever. It's not really your place to be disapproving of Jill here either (Bob's relationship is Bob's responsibility, not hers) - I'm surprised she hasn't told you to fuck off.

You sound a bit fucking weird here to be honest with you, and are clearly pissy that Bob gets to touch Jill's shoulder and you don't.

I blame romantic comedies for this situation.

None of those three ppl involved care, or even necessarily know about you.

It speaks more about your mindset than theirs. You seem a little obsessed with Jill to be totally honest dude.

I think you may be creating this drama in a attempt to get back in her life, but I don't think this will serve anything but to run her off.

GTFO of that place and work on yourself. ATTRACT another girl with your masculine handsomeness.

Also, you've exposed your weirdness to the Giant Bomb community, and it may be hours before we forget.

<big hug>

I would tell your friend to really stop fooling around with this Bob fellow. Try to convince her that having an relationship with an married man is just...

wrong.

@LD50: Oh, I certainly don't hide my weirdness. I assumed it was welcome here. Anyway, I've taken the advice of the community (well, the majority) and walked away. And I'm not sure where the whole Jill and me dating thing started, but I assure you that's not my intent. I've stepped away from the friendship as well as the situation. Not the sorts of people I want to be involved with.

Let the man get some side pussy!!

@HatKing said:

@LD50: Oh, I certainly don't hide my weirdness. I assumed it was welcome here. Anyway, I've taken the advice of the community (well, the majority) and walked away. And I'm not sure where the whole Jill and me dating thing started, but I assure you that's not my intent. I've stepped away from the friendship as well as the situation. Not the sorts of people I want to be involved with.

I was just giving you grief brother. I respect you for asking your peers for advice.