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#1 Edited by Angre_Leperkan439 (333 posts) -

Hey duders, I hate to post yet another relationship-advice-seeking thread, but I've been truly clueless recently with this girl and I need some (hopefully good) advice.

I asked this girl out a few weeks ago, she said yes. The first date went well: we went to a movie and drinks, and I held her hand and she put her head on my shoulder. The next day, she texted me to say she had a great time. I asked her if she wanted to do it again sometime later that day (in person, I might add), and she said yes. She asked me to do something later that night, I couldn't make it, and we ended up (after going back and forth one more time) planning for that Sunday (the first date had been on Thursday). We went out for some drinks after she got off work and hit it off, since we ended up kissing and she kissed me goodnight as I dropped her off. I ended up texting her to say I had had a good time, and she reciprocated. That was last Sunday (a week and a half ago).

Ever since I got her number she hasn't texted me much at all, and she seems to drop out of conversations quite a bit, and normally takes at least an hour to respond to text messages (if not way longer). I was worried she might be trying to let me off easily. However, I ended up going into her work again this Thursday (so four days after we went out), and she seemed really happy to see me, and came up and talked to me a few times. Also, earlier that day, she also agreed to another date after Thanksgiving week (this week, due to both me and her being crazy busy with work/relatives this week).

So I guess I'm a little confused by her demeanor. I definitely think she likes me: every time I see her in person she is smiling and joking and comes to talk to me a bit. But she rarely, if ever texts me first, and she leaves text conversations hanging for days/indefinitely. The only reason this is a problem for me is lack of any knowledge of why she's doing it: it could be because she doesn't text often, it could be because she doesn't like me (contrary to my strong evidence against, but maybe I'm delusional), or it could be that she's just trying not to seem too eager so early into knowing me.

TLDR, my question is, should I ask her about this? Would this be something I should bring up to her? I really just wanna know why it is she doesn't text me: if it's because she's playing hard to get, I'd rather dispel that and just get to know her. If she's just really busy/forgetful about texting, that's totally fine too, I just wanna know what's going on. And if she's just trying to be nice and let me down easily, I'd just rather know and get it over with.

Like I said, we've only gone on two dates now (one of which was rather unofficial, what with her getting off work and all), and I don't know if it's too early to worry about this stuff. Any advice or any conversation would be an immense help.

#2 Posted by SSully (4185 posts) -

I personally wouldn't worry about it. I have plenty of friends that text in a way she does, I even do it a good deal. If you guys get more serious and you think its an issue then I would casually ask.

This is a small thing man. Just have fun and dont let little stuff bother you.

#3 Posted by DaddyCabinet (200 posts) -

#4 Edited by TopCat88 (176 posts) -

I am terrible at replying to messages, texts, emails etc when its to do with friends or my girlfriend. I've been living with my girlfriend for over two years and she still gets mad at me occasionally as I often don't reply to anything she sends me. It doesn't mean I don't want to see her every day or my friends when they get in touch. I'm just bad at replying to stuff when I'm busy. I hear the message alert but if I don't respond immediately I'll forget to do it.

Perhaps this girl is like me, it seems she does want to see you but it's still early days. Don't make a big deal out of it, maybe a light hearted joke about her slow replies *IN PERSON* subtle jokes/quips rarely work over text.

My advice, take it easy and see what happens. Don't send her loads of messages if she's not replying just wait it out an hour or so, more if she's working, and call her when you know she finishes work.

#5 Posted by Marz (5651 posts) -

probably a talker/face to face kinda person and not a texter... or she's getting with dudes left and right behind your back... j/k

#6 Edited by Hunter5024 (5667 posts) -


I'd say don't worry about it. I know lots of people who text that way. Some people just don't care about texts.

#7 Posted by DeadpanCakes (883 posts) -

@marz said:

probably a talker/face to face kinda person and not a texter... or she's getting with dudes left and right behind your back... j/k

Oh c'mon dude, that's kinda mean, haha.

I wouldn't think too much about it. It's only been a couple of weeks so far, so maybe she's been busy. Or maybe she doesn't really like texting, and you don't know that about her yet. Or maybe about a million other things. Focus your efforts on getting to know her when you can (in this case, in person) rather than making yourself anxious. I know it's not much and that it's easier said than done, but it's about all a random dude over the internet can offer. If she's worth getting all anxious for, then she's worth being patient for.

#8 Edited by punkxblaze (2984 posts) -

Definitely don't worry about it, man. Some people are like that with texting, as already said here. If her face to face demeanor is telling you she's in to you, and she's willingly gone out with you multiple times, chances you have a good thing going right now. Don't get too caught up in the small shit.

#9 Posted by Angre_Leperkan439 (333 posts) -

Thanks guys, much appreciated. It just makes it immensely frustrating when I'm trying to get to know her and/or see if she wants to meet up, and I get very little contact.

@marz said:

probably a talker/face to face kinda person and not a texter... or she's getting with dudes left and right behind your back... j/k

Q~Q Oh sweet Jesus why

Thank you. I seriously need this, I've been driving myself mad thinking about it.

And I want you all to know, I very rarely text her. Today I texted her, but it was the first time since Friday that I had made an attempt to contact her, which actually brings me to another question: Should I go long times without texting her? Is that good? Is that bad? Does it make it look like I don't care/ is it bad to let things cool like that for several days?

I truly am quite clueless on a lot of this stuff.

#10 Posted by Hugh_Jazz (350 posts) -

Seems to me like you've got a pretty good thing going on, so I would suggest not reading too much into her texting behaviour, because it's not a real-time conversation and should not be treated as such.

However, I'm a pretty big proponent of being up-front and earnest about things, so if it's something that's bothering you I think it's definitely a valid conversation to have. Just remember that your way of texting is not the right way(in the sense that there is no right way), so if you ask her about her behaviour, try to find out if anything about your own texting(frequency, speed of replying, subject matter) is bothering her.

Either way, as George Clooney so eloquently put it: Be cool.

#11 Posted by ArtisanBreads (3829 posts) -

I've been with girls who never will text you first. It threw m off too but if she responds and everything seems fine between you, I wouldn't take it as much of an issue.

#12 Posted by bilbomarks (69 posts) -

If you're gonna read this thread, I'd suggest putting on some music that goes with that Giant-Bomb Extreme Dating Advice picture.


Also, from your descriptions it just sounds as if she's a crappy texter-backer, which I am too. Many people are. My love prescription is to do it in an extremely uncomfortable place (i.e. the back of a volkswagon), and just be coooooooooool.

#13 Edited by MentalDisruption (1632 posts) -

How often she texts you doesn't matter as much as how she texts you. Does she show an interest in what you;re saying and say things to help carry a conversation when she does respond? If you're just getting "ok", "yeah", etc. then I would wonder about it.

Ultimately don't worry about it though. Some people just don't like to text, and some may not want to spend all day texting someone. Personally I don't when I'm first getting to know a girl because I don't want to say everything I have to say over a text. I'd rather save it and be able to have a conversation when in person. That's because I have problems with starting conversations on the spot, so that's just me. Just an example of why someone may not spend all day texting you. If you really want to dig into why she isn't a frequent texter, just mention texting casually. I had one case where a girl actually confronted me about it because she thought I wasn't texting her often for a whole different reason. It didn't bug me and I just explained my texting habits to her. No harm no foul. This was after we were dating for a month though. Don't be that direct after only two dates. Like I said, mention texting if you want to push the conversation that way, but don't just straight out ask until there's more time going on.

The only time I would worry about this kind of texting behavior is if its unusual. If she goes from texting you non-stop to not texting you at all then you have a problem. That's not the case here though, so just stay the course. Keep showing an interest and going out with her if you want her. Text as often as you feel comfortable. If you overthink it you might over or under text. Just do what feels natural.

#14 Edited by DeadpanCakes (883 posts) -

@angre_leperkan439: Remember that a relationship is only possible if everyone involved is putting effort in to that relationship. You seem to be trying to shoulder it all yourself, and that's probably only gonna stress you out. The way you text isn't going to change the entire shape of the relationship, and you don't have to know all about the way she interacts, especially at this stage of the relationship. Figuring out the way to communicate with an individual, regardless of your relationship with them, is something that can take a real long time. It's something you work out as time goes on, and not something you'll ever nail perfectly. If she seems into you, then that means she seems into you. Not this person you think she's expecting you to be.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be flexible. You seem pretty stressed about this-- more than I think anyone should be about relationship that hasn't lasted at least a year. I'm sure you'll figure it out though, even if it takes some time.

Sorry that I can't really give any tangible advice, but again, there's only so much a random guy on the internet can offer.

Edit: Whoops, I re-read that and I feel like I came across as kinda judgmental. I apologize if I come across that way, I suppose it's mostly 'cause I can relate to the way you seem to be feeling, and I'm framing the advice in a way that I would be giving it to myself.

#15 Edited by RonGalaxy (3164 posts) -

Not everyone is an avid texter

Also, I wouldnt ask a question like that this soon. You can try calling instead of texting her, or facebook.

#16 Posted by GTCknight (694 posts) -

@hunter5024: I just want to say thank you for posting that wonderful picture. I kind of miss the days when I would see these Dating forums and thus see that pic.

I can't really help you too much OP as I've never been on a date, but as everyone else has already stated just sit back, relax, and chill it all work out just fine. No need to rush it or get paranoid about it.

#17 Posted by CornBREDX (5242 posts) -

I recommend relaxing and stop thinking about it so much.

She seems to like you. Accept that.

#18 Edited by shinjin977 (758 posts) -

I feel old as hell and I am only 26. I do not text, at all. My gf do not text, at all. Some people are like that i guess.

#19 Posted by Jimbo (9809 posts) -

Shoulder meet hand; hand meet shoulder.

#20 Edited by TyCobb (1971 posts) -

I hate texting and rarely do. I imagine others are the same way and she might be too. Texting should not be a place for entire conversation, but rather for quick questions.

#21 Posted by supamon (1333 posts) -

Fake your death.

#22 Posted by Everyones_A_Critic (6298 posts) -

I think you're all good man. She wouldn't have kissed you and greeted you so warmly if she didn't like you to begin with. She's just awful at getting back to text messages.

#23 Edited by Wolverine (4281 posts) -

@angre_leperkan439: I share your confusion when girls do this to me. I've just learned to be patient and not take it personally. They may just be busy.

#24 Posted by dudeglove (7825 posts) -

It's almost December, so...

#25 Posted by Gatehouse (621 posts) -

Duder, don't sweat it. Some people are very texty, some aren't. My gf is very texty, but I've had other relationships where they hardly talk at all. It's when you're in person, that's what counts.

#26 Edited by Dark (378 posts) -

It's almost December, so...

Recent circumstances have made this picture make even more sense.

#27 Edited by MikeFerrari7 (201 posts) -

You gotta get an answer through a less direct means. Apologize for possibly missing her texts, tell her you have really bad service at your house, and don't want her to think you're ignoring her. This is actually true for me, I always have to tell my friends to give me time to reply. That's my bit of advice. I'd typically say be honest, but you seem a bit nervous. Hopefully she will tell you she's terrible about texting or something along those lines and you'll have your answer with looking like a creeper.

#28 Edited by NTM (7374 posts) -

Wouldn't it have made more sense to put the TLDR at the beginning instead of the end? If one didn't read it, you should assume they didn't read all the way through, until they reached the TLDR. Anyways, you need to text her and say "Hey... Hey. Why aren't you texting me back? WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME BACK!? Baby daddy need you. I neeeeed you! : '-(" No, obviously, everyone's different, so it's hard to tell what's going on in her mind, and I'd rather not give advice with assumptions, but it was a nice read, I guess.

#29 Posted by Mars_Cleric (1594 posts) -

chill dawg, you got to remember to be smooth, no bodacious babe belongs with a bumbling baby beau bereft of bravado

#30 Posted by Yagami (588 posts) -

Do that ^

#31 Posted by mowcrosoft (56 posts) -

@hunter5024: Wow is that a real photo? I didn't know there were such foxy cleopatra's up in there

#32 Edited by yinstarrunner (1197 posts) -

It's completely normal for people to spend a long time between texts. You should be grateful. The longer your conversations take, the longer it will be before you reach that awkward place where you have nothing else to talk about. Trust me, you'll feel REAL shitty then.

#33 Posted by Tennmuerti (8093 posts) -

Some people don't like texting.

The end.

#34 Edited by Humanity (9193 posts) -

@hunter5024: Wow is that a real photo? I didn't know there were such foxy cleopatra's up in there

That's Sara, she doesn't work there anymore. Officially she moved to New York, but in reality we all know it was the heartbreak from Brad ignoring her all these years to play his "videogames" while in reality.. he was playing games...with her heart.

#35 Edited by Darji (5294 posts) -

AS many people said before some people do not like texting. Why not try to call her sometime. She seems interested in talking to you and has a good time so why just texting?

#36 Posted by konig_kei (617 posts) -

Chill dawg just make it seem like dat ain't no thang, make sure you tell her you gonna tap dat so hard she be puttin the "oh" in ho dawg. You feelin me? Then see if she replies.

#37 Posted by xyzygy (9980 posts) -

Just because someone doesn't text often doesn't mean they don't want to be with you. I take quite a long time to reply sometimes but it's only because I'm busy. I hate always being on my phone in public, especially outside or when I'm with other people, and i hate texting in general when I'm around people. Don't take it to heart. If she's excited in real life that's what matters.

#38 Edited by TobbRobb (4639 posts) -

A lot of people don't just sit and hover of their cellphones. This kind of behavior is just something you get with indirect communication like texts. Don't worry about it.

#39 Posted by MB (12382 posts) -

#40 Edited by Ghost_Cat (1433 posts) -

Don't worry man, conversations via phone or text probably aren't on her hourly priorities. Maybe she's busy, maybe it's awkward for her, or maybe she knows you don't have a bullet in your gut and you're bleeding out on the sidewalk at night. People are different about how they use their communication devices. I don't like phone calls, so texting is fine. My girlfriend and I don't respond immediately (sometimes hours later), because we know we are both busy, and that it's a little overbearing (perhaps something to consider). As long as you feel like the relationship is authentic between you two, and can still plan out dates accordingly, then nothing to worry about. Date on my friend.

#41 Edited by Getz (3004 posts) -

If you're texting her more than she's texting you, you already fucked up. Girls hate over-texters.

#42 Edited by Sploder (917 posts) -

Nah girls are just weird about responding. This girl I know sometimes gets back to me in ten minutes, sometimes a couple of hours, sometimes a few days. But mostly a few days. So it really gets my hopes up when she starts texting me regularly on occasion :(

But yeah don't think about it too much.

#43 Edited by Juzie (168 posts) -

That was a long ass post to say why is a girl im dating not texting at my demand.

Gonna be straight forward and say you are way too clingy. Go play some games or something. She'll reply when she's ready. You will turn her off if you continue to act like that.

#44 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -
#45 Posted by Quarters (1696 posts) -

Sounds like she's just a crappy texter in terms of response time/frequency. Don't worry about it.

#46 Posted by believer258 (11895 posts) -

You're concerned because she took more than an hour to respond? Jesus, I don't even see my phone for hours at a time.

Maybe she just doesn't like texting and prefers to talk? You know, hearing a familiar comforting voice and all that.

#47 Posted by pyrodactyl (2014 posts) -

Ask her out on a third date when you see her in person and you'll see if she's bad with texts or just not that into you.

#48 Posted by Jeust (10642 posts) -

TLDR, my question is, should I ask her about this? Would this be something I should bring up to her? I really just wanna know why it is she doesn't text me: if it's because she's playing hard to get, I'd rather dispel that and just get to know her. If she's just really busy/forgetful about texting, that's totally fine too, I just wanna know what's going on. And if she's just trying to be nice and let me down easily, I'd just rather know and get it over with.

Talk to her. That's the best way to know a person.

#49 Edited by Poppy_Persona (154 posts) -

As a girl I'm kinda like that in relation to texting guys, I'm not a big texter i don't respond for a while because i can't think of anything to say and i don't really like trivial text talk too much. I prefer to talk in person. And don't ask her about it she'll think you're paranoid!

#50 Posted by itspizza (434 posts) -

She's probably super nervous to say the wrong thing to you over text, so what she's doing in the hour that it takes to respond is just trying to figure out the right thing to say. Either that or she's legitimately busy or maybe just isn't a big texter.