Grab the item to the right of you and defend yourself!

I have a glass :o
 
smashy, smashy!

The 22'' inch LED monitor that I just got for my birthday... please don't make me smash it. :(

It would be my second computer monitor. But, since I don't want to ruin a completely perfect monitor then I'll defend my self with... 
 

I have a plate, with on it some bones from leftover chicken wings. So I could chuck the wings at him as a distraction, and then knock him out cold with the plate. After doing that, I would use the sharpest piece of the, now, broken plate to slit his throat.

tv control. SICK

a dildo... wait

A tissue box. I would ball up the tissues and throw them, and stick my hand in the box for extra punching damage.

Hmm... looks like I've got to defend myself with a Wood Elf glade rider warhammer model... tiny elf horseman away! Choke on small parts, intruder! 

My fightstick... Assuming it was a japanese ninja assassin this could go quite well.

Well to my right I have a plate, with a fork and knife on it. I think I could do some pretty good damage with the knife.

A metal lamp, it wouldn't feel good thats for sure. 

A half-empty beer bottle. This guy doesn't stand a chance.

Has Giant Bomb become /b/ now?

I'd put this EMPTY BAG OF CHIPS OVER HIS DAM HEAD AND BLIND THE FUCKER

I have a plastic Pumpkin cup, beat the shit out of him with it

  Oh no! Assassin! I shall kill thee with my dreaded....notepad?  HaHa! Paper cuts!

I'll just use my dinner plate frisbee of general uncleanliness+2.

A copy of Seven Samurai Criterion Edition. This guy just broke into the wrong house

Unfinished Gundam model has one arm and a gun.
Enough to take down most masked assassins.

Lemon - scented candle.

A big half liter coffee mug I would throw at his face with pin point accuracy- or be bewildered, jump scared and scream like a bitch =)

Well, I think a large flashlight will hurt, somewhat. Certainly won't be a 2 or 3 hit kill like in Dead Rising, though.

I would blind the intruder with this can of Pledge Multi Surface. Take that bitch!

Yankee candle that smells like Christmas cookies.

I'll shove crackers down his throat! 
 
Nah, every possible conclusion ends in my bloody demise. There could be a lightsaber to my right and I'd somehow fuck it up.

I have a small pumpkin to my left and nothing on my right...
 
Well, I guess a pumpkin won't do much either I suppose.

I've got women to the left of me and women to the right, so I could just toss one of those out there and distract the would  be assassin. 

My Xbox Live Keypad will make them laugh into submission - chortling at how useless it is.

a sharpie.
 
 
 
fuck.

I have a couple of sharp letter openers and some string.
 
Yeah, I could do some stuff with that.

A plate with a fork on it. I'm set!

Cell phone...? I'm dead. I can throw my laptop at him?!?

I will wield... 
 
MY CAT!!!

A wall, or a Mexican Obama propaganda poster. They are both so deadly... I can't make up my mind.

I'm not sure how pizza is going to help me.  Maybe he will eat it, get full, then fall asleep.  Then I can kill him myself.

i have a choice between deodorant a glass of milk or a metal tin with various items in it. maybe i could offer him the milk and he would let me go.

Behold my lethal pillow couch pillow!!! 

I have an empty cup of Dunkin' Donuts cider to the right of me. Yeah, I'm fucked.

Beware the $15 iTunes gift card, notorious for causing minor cuts!

Paper Towel!!!!!!

I have a 4 yr. old child sitting to my right.
 
Too small for a human shield, too light to do any damage. I'm fucked.

I have a tube of lip balm and toe nail clippers...PREPARE TO BE GROOMED!