Guess what i'm saying! (British Slang)

Rules:
No Fellow Brits, that wouldn't be fair now would it?
No using google.
No blatant trolling/flaming
 
Feel free to post your own terms of phrase if you feel you have a good one.
 
FIRST PHRASE!
 
If i were to tell you that you were:
Telling me porkies 
or
Pulling my leg
 
What would you be doing?

Lying?

pulling my leg = are you jokeing?

Joshing. 

Lying.

Uh, we say "pulling my leg" in America.

"Pulling my leg" is not just an English phrase. I live in New York and we use it here.

You're cheap, pay for a round of beer?

pulling my leg isn't just used here in britain, so that kind of gives it away.

At least do it properly you facking cant.

British is too broad! You need to go deeper, get regional! I'm in the Midlands, and it's amazing how much the dialect can change in the space of 10 miles. Call me a Brummie, and I'm likely to stab you with my Blue WKD bottle.

I'm Australian. That makes me perfectly eligible to enter this easy-peasy contest... right, me old China?

An attractive woman?

Ok, i'll post a harder one. 
" May I have a cob?" 
 
Btw I fucking detest the word.

Hmmm...you'd be making fun of mexicans?

Are these lifted out of a 1960s sitcom?
 
More up to date.  Context:  Things overheard in a crowded nightclub - "Do you take it up the Gary, love?", "She really has a wide-on for that guy at the bar" and "Check out the juggs on that fat old slapper in the corner, I would totally smash her back doors in!".

" Are these lifted out of a 1960s sitcom?
 
More up to date.  Context:  Things overheard in a crowded nightclub - "Do you take it up the Gary, love?", "She really has a wide-on for that guy at the bar" and "Check out the juggs on that fat old slapper in the corner, I would totally smash her back doors in!". "  

This thread needs some Cockney Rhyming Slang. Can anyone figure out what this means: 
 
Got to my mickey, found me way up the apples, put on me whistle and the bloody dog rang. It was me trouble telling me to fetch the teapots.

" This thread needs some Cockney Rhyming Slang. Can anyone figure out what this means: 
 
Got to my mickey, found me way up the apples, put on me whistle and the bloody dog rang. It was me trouble telling me to fetch the teapots. "

Knife Crimes.

Bare is one that seems to be everywhere at the moment and I hate it.

" @alternate said:

" Are these lifted out of a 1960s sitcom?
 
More up to date.  Context:  Things overheard in a crowded nightclub - "Do you take it up the Gary, love?", "She really has a wide-on for that guy at the bar" and "Check out the juggs on that fat old slapper in the corner, I would totally smash her back doors in!". "  

Fucking Gary is used in other places in England? Shit man, I have only ever heard like three of my friends say it so far. "

OOOY YOU CAAAANT, Gooners are da best team ever bruv, are you dizzy? Are you mad fam?

" @AlexW00d said:

" Fucking Gary is used in other places in England? Shit man, I have only ever heard like three of my friends say it so far. "

Didn't it start out as cockney for Gary Glitter?  Use a lot up north - before he was locked up for being a nonse anyway.  Became a bit unpalatable after that. "

" OOOY YOU CAAAANT, Gooners are da best team ever bruv, are you dizzy? Are you mad fam? "

 
@Gizmo said:

" OOOY YOU CAAAANT, Gooners are da best team ever bruv, are you dizzy? Are you mad fam? "

Only one of those words is English slang, the rest is black slang. "

ahem ahem, 'scuse me, can i bum a fag?

This thread is funny. Do it again.

" @AlexW00d said:

 
@Gizmo said:

" OOOY YOU CAAAANT, Gooners are da best team ever bruv, are you dizzy? Are you mad fam? "

Only one of those words is English slang, the rest is black slang. "

tsk, we are all multicultural now.  Have you not been watching Rastamouse on Cbeebies? "

Black Country Time!
 
I'm Bosting for a Piddle.
I need to Spend a Penny
 
Just what am i saying?

If i were to tell you:
I'm at my wits end

" Black Country Time!
 
I'm Bosting for a Piddle.
I need to Spend a Penny  Just what am i saying? "

" Black Country Time!
 
I'm Bosting for a Piddle.
I need to Spend a Penny  Just what am i saying? "

" @AlexW00d: NOT ARAND ERE IT AY SONNY JIM "

Too much Britishness in this thread. Need to get out of here before it's too late. 
 
Also I can't believe no one has posted this yet: 
  

Just thought of a good one.
 
Me cock, can you gew up the corner and get me some suck?
 
Just what pray tell am i asking you to do?