Hi, I'm notnert427, and I'm antisocial.

I've come to realize lately that I don't much care for people. I obviously like my friends, love my wife, etc., but I don't typically enjoy any circumstance where I'm surrounded by people. I wouldn't say it's agoraphobia or claustrophobia by their strictest definitions, nor would I classify it as the level of social anxiety Dan and some others have talked about (which sounds tough as hell, BTW). I just simply do not like being in the company of others most of the time.

I've heard it said that people fundamentally need interaction, and I'm not saying I don't, but I can't ever recall being "excited" about the prospect of seeing others out and about and interacting with them. Crowds are one of the most awful things to me. I seriously consider how crowded something will be as a major factor in if I even want to do it, and when something isn't crowded, I often find it amazing.

Here's a good example. A few years ago, I went up to Lake Tahoe for my wife's friend's wedding. The day before the wedding, the girls were all doing mani/pedis and the like, and I knew literally none of the wedding party, so I decided to just go skiing by myself. I don't know what the deal was that day, but there happened to be a grand total of about seven people on the entire mountain, so I just got to ski all day with virtually nothing and no one in my way. I'd ski until I got tired, then would stop and sit in the middle of a run and enjoy the view. Then I'd ski down to the bar and have an Irish Coffee, and then go back up and do it all over again. It was incredible. I was basically Cartman in Cartmanland.

Maybe I'm just selfish; I don't know. It seems like an awful thing to basically wish a bunch of people didn't exist in a few square miles around me and truly enjoy it when that actually kind of happens. This is definitely at least a part of why I enjoy video games so much. When I'm at home gaming, I don't have to deal with anyone cramping my style, so to speak, and I find that wildly appealing. There's a comfort zone there.

For the record, I'm not a hermit, and don't really have a desire to be. I like traveling, the outdoors, trying new restaurants, going to sporting events, etc. However, I greatly dislike social events/gatherings like parties, clubs, etc. I've always viewed them as a burden, even if I know people I like will be there. It's not that I don't care about other people or what they have to say, but the social aspect of it is such a beatdown to me that I find myself not listening, thinking about something else, praying the conversation will end, etc. And this happens even if I actually like the person who's talking to me.

I'm definitely not an extrovert by any stretch, but I don't ignore people who try to talk to me or anything. I'm actually overly polite to just about everyone. Still, I cannot stand small talk. It literally nauseates me. Elevators are the worst. There's not enough time to have any meaningful conversation, so the choice is either to stand there in awkward silence or make some utterly banal observation about the weather or some shit. Ugh.

Out of courtesy, I fake it. I fake being more social than I am, and I've gotten rather good at it when I want to be. I can be personable enough if I try. It is by no means my default setting, though, and as a result, most of my interactions feel so forced and disingenuous to me. The problem is, the alternative of "being myself" weirds people out. I tend to reach my limit of bullshitting fairly quickly, so I invariably wander off away from conversations and do something else, anything else.

When people notice, it makes them uncomfortable, and I understand why. It makes people think I don't like them, which isn't necessarily the case. People who are naturally social don't really get why I'd come to a party and then disappear to go skip rocks on the water by myself. I should probably try to explain why in those cases, but I feel like it would fall on deaf ears. Don't get me wrong; I don't fancy myself on some higher plane than everyone else or anything, I'm just often in a different place that I'm not sure they've ever been or ever will be.

I know my wife hates it when I do stuff like that. She says she's always having to answer for if I'm okay. 99% of the time, I actually am, and simply need some air, peace and quiet, or whatever you want to call it. Thankfully, she generally covers for me and is patient and understanding enough with me, but I know it bothers her, and therefore, it bothers me that I put her in those situations. She tries to subtly point it out when I've taken it too far, and she's usually right. So, I'm always toeing the line between being social enough to not make people uneasy and not being so social that it makes me uneasy.

It's a lifelong struggle. I often put some walls up between myself and others, figuratively and literally. I'm lucky enough to have friends and loved ones despite this, but I occasionally find myself pondering where my antisocial tendencies have held me back. I'm honestly happy enough these days, but it was not always so, and part of me lives in constant fear of losing the people I care about if I shut them out too much. With this thread, I'm not looking for pity here or anything; I just hope some can relate. I'd be interested to hear some other thoughts/experiences on the subject as well. Regardless, thanks for reading, and if nothing else, it was a bit cathartic for me to get some of this off my chest.

I personally love people, but if you are happy without them then fuck em. You keep doing you as long as it makes you happy. What do you do for a living if you don't mind me asking?

Small guess: you never pick up the phone on first time unless you've been expecting a call or think it might be extremely important? Then you always ring the person back at your own leasure?

Actually, that might not be the case for you (although it's very likely...) but congratulations, you are introverted!

Which is really not the same as anti-social, believe me. I recognise everything you write about. Down to finding quiet spots during parties, preferring alone time and the 'struggle' to fit in. The good thing: it's not some social defect. Introversion/extraversion is just a black/white term for something (far) more complex, but essentially we introverts (a whole bunch of people, most of whom spend a long time fighting their nature) charge our batteries in different ways. I know people who go to parties to talk, dance (*shudder*) and 'have a good time' and their idea of this 'good time' is my own personal 7th layer of hell. It's absolutely exhausting for me to be around a lot of people; talking about nothing; pretending to have a good time. My battery gets charged being alone, talking to a single person in a quiet environment, or just plain ol' spacing out and looking at the clouds.

At the same time I have a great career, a ton of ambition, a nice girlfriend and I'm seen as a social enough person by my colleagues. There was, however, an entire spell during my early twenties where I completely shut myself off from my surroundings. I just could not be bothered to play the 'social game'. The trick is to find a nice balance; to know what you can, and can't do (socially) without getting bored or uncomfortable enough to become unhappy. An example: at some point I started telling friends that I wasn't going to go party with them. Ever. Instead, I invited them to have a 'quiet' drink at a bar at the start of the evening and waved them off once they felt like partying in a club, later in the evening. At this point I just went home and played games or watched a movie. I also started seeing friends one-on-one more often, which just worked better.

I started to notice this, by the way, when conversations I was having just seemed to die out all the time. I thought it was down to people not liking me, and not wanting to talk to me. It took me about 10 years to realise that it was because I never asked anyone questions, and people stopped asking me questions because I didn't really return any interest. So pro-tip: ask questions, even if you don't care about the answers. Listening takes a lot less effort than talking, so I just keep a set of questions at the ready ;) It's a bit of a poor man's guide to being social, but it gets you out of awkward situations where you just can't avoid talking to people about stuff you don't care about.

Anyway, long story short is that you're not antisocial, or broken. You're just part of a (larger-than-you-think) group of people for whom social interaction drains energy, instead of recharging it. It's all right!

This sounds a lot like how I am. I usually have a hard time in large group settings but feel perfectly fine when its like 2-3 other people. Mostly because I feel slightly overwhelmed by the amount of people to focus on so I just choose to not focus on anyone and it ends up being really uncomfortable. I actually feel less weird when there are fewer people I know at a party. It also depends on the crowd that is there. But if there are only a couple people it's easier to focus my attention on those people and be enjoyable and social. I usually use @jertje approach of just getting the other person to do most of the talking because I just usually don't want to and don't care.

Yeah, I totally identify with you. For the most part, I'm sort of misanthropic myself. I do however know how to put on the "show and dance" pretty well, however I do need my personal space to recharge.

I know it's tough and being in a relationship you do have to compromise most of that space to save face.

It's totally fine to be anti social. I think a lot of people would just describe that as being introverted. As I understand it, introverted people feel more at peace and "recharge" when they are on their own, they get worn out at social situations. Extroverts feel the opposite, so they have to get out and DO STUFF. One usually doesn't understand the other, so an extrovert could tell an introvert they got to get out more thinking it is good for them when it really isn't.

Also, I think it isn't really binary, like you are one or the other, but more like a spectrum. Funny thing about me, I always thought I was really introverted. But I was also always in situations (from college to working in an office soon after) where I was interacting with people every day. I was drained from socializing when I got home from work. But when I quit my job and started working for myself out of my house, I started going stir crazy with how little I interacted with people! I needed to GET OUT and talk to people, so I wasn't AS introverted as I thought.

This stuff fascinates me, because it explains how people with different personality types can have very different needs. Though I only dabble in it, I don't know it very well.

Just as long as you aren't one of those bitter anit social types... seems to be a recurring theme among the worst folks in the gaming community.

Yup, you can put me down on the list of anti-social weirdos too. Joking aside though, back in university I had a teacher who told us that something is only a problem if it is perceived/experienced as such. I took those words to heart, and learned to not worry so much about it. So what if I'm not a fan of people in general, and crowds get on my nerve? I just focus on the ones that I do care about, and pretty much ignore the rest. That way strangers don't have to deal with little old awkward me, and I don't have to deal with them; everyone's happy.

Obviously I am painting in very broad strokes here, but I hope you get the idea. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

That's not anti-social, that's being introverted.

And there's nothing wrong with being introverted. Most people are extroverts and find the idea of introversion at best weird, at worst they think there's something seriously wrong with you. That's all poppycock. It's just a different type of personality.

I'm also an introvert in a family of extroverts. Most of my family, especially my mom, have always been concerned about my tendency to spend evenings alone but, eh, I find myself most refreshed and feeling best after a good long evening to myself.

That's not to say that I don't occasionally enjoy or need a social outing, I just don't want it all the time or even most of the time. Some people think of home as nothing more than a place to sleep and they need to spend the rest of the day with other people and that's just something I can't fathom. I need my space and time.

Word brother.

My "social self" is basically another person.

I'm at my best with 1-2 close friends. Anything more than that and I disappear into the darkness.

And let's be frank for a second.

Unless you are hanging with neuroscientists s or some shit any conversation with more than 3 people in it is probably about something pretty dumb, right?

You guys might be interested in this piece from Huffington Post. Covers a lot of what's mentioned here.

I certainly relate to a number of duders here. I turned 40 last fall and still deal with social anxieties, particularly in situations -like networking events - where I don't know anyone. Last year I joined a fiction writers' group that meets twice monthly. It was a big step for me, and helped me deal with some of the nameless, baseless fear I get around other people - the worry of being boring or 'less than' in some way.

Hey, if that's how you want to live your life man. Yolo

@notnert427: I can pretty much relate to what you are saying, sir, so you're not alone. On a different a note, your wife is also pretty awesome in being patient while covering for you and also pointing out if you're over doing it. I don't think you are literally anti-social though as other duders have pointed out.

Used to be a supporter of the "I have my 2 close friends, fuck everyone else" movement until my mom sat me down and had a "heart to heart" so to speak.

She told me this: You are happy right now, because you are of a age where it's still easy for you to meet new friends if you have to.

When you're older and the few good friends you have are dead. That happiness turns into regret.

Use the time you have, to make as many good friends as possible, you won't always have the opportunity. (She's a 70 something introvert)

One theory worth reading on the four temperamants

Someone else explained to me their own theory on personality with there also being four types. I can't remember exactly how he explained them. Maybe someone here can fill in the gaps or perhaps do your own research OP if you want to find out more about why you are you.

Introvert introvert, Introvert extrovert, Extrovert introvert, Extrovert extrovert

Me personally I'm an extrovert introvert meaning I am sociable but I need to spend some time away from people in order to get the best out of my extroverted nature.

@rebel_scum: I'm reading some stuff that is similar, though the one I read separates introverted/extroverted from the personality types itself. So it serve as modifiers of sorta, creating more like 8 personalities.

Through I think most people have varying elements of all personalities instead of being all in one or the other.

@notnert427: Any advice on how to talk to people better (instead of small talk, that is)? I describe myself as an extrovert who became an introvert (by trying, politely, to talk to others, and being told to fuck off one too many times), and I don't know any other way of getting to know someone other than asking about their day, their interests, their job, that kind of stuff.

@believer258: Correct. The actual psychological definition of antisocial behavior is being callous, manipulative, superficial, having an inflated self-worth, being unsympathetic to the desires of anyone else but yourself, being impulsive, irritable/aggressive, breaking the law repeatedly, that sort of thing. Not caring about total strangers who appear to have nothing in common with you? Totally normal, even for extroverts.

For what it's worth, props for getting this out through your keyboard and posting to the forums a private part of your life. It's not always an easy thing to discuss. As for me I fall somewhere on the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum (if that even is a real thing). I really enjoy the company of people generally and enjoy opportunities where I can meet new people. I tend to lag behind in groups of like 10 or more unless it's a group of my friends or family. Most of the time I just sit back and listen or zone out. Anyways I hope you can find some solace in the fact that you're not alone in your situation.

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Say yes if you want to, say no if you don't. If being alone makes you happy, than no person or thing should tell you otherwise. I'd never leave my house if I didn't have to.

Introverts aren't weird, just different. If the whole world were the same, it would be fucking boring. So, just keep on doing you, man.

Being anti-social is a wholly different psychiatric affliction and more often than not get people suffering from it in trouble with the law. I like being alone more often than in a crowd. As Seneca more than 2000 years ago noted, crowds are dangerous since you lose identity in them. Being in a crowded setting forces you to behave differently, something not everyone is confortable with. It doesn't mean you have a social phobia or anxiety, it just means you are much more selective with your friends and don't accept random strangers that easily.

Somehow the media inplanted this image into our heads that those who mingle a lot are the most succesful ones in life. In a way, having contacts is important. However those that do not engage in pointless activities get shit DONE.

@notnert427: It's cool you're just introverted. As long as it's not making you depressed there's nothing wrong with it. I'm very introverted but I also have major depressive disorder and being introverted only makes that worse because instead of talking to people about my depression and self-critical thoughts, in which case I may be able to work through them by getting a change of perspective, I internalize them. That's how you go from a small self criticism to hating yourself over time and begins the downward spiral of depression.

But it's not all bad news, I'm getting treated for my depression and seeing a therapist which is really helping. Anyway I don't want to be a downer, just a word of warning and remember to talk things through with your wife if you are having negative thoughts about yourself. Don't let your introversion allow negative thoughts (not that your are having them) to get to the point of a mental disorder.

This is pretty much a pitch perfect description of myself. Weird. I would add for myself that I have somewhat of a lack of empathy. I can listen to people (I know and like) telling me important sad/happy storys and acknowlege that those storys are sad/happy, but I never feel anything. I usually have to get into my actor-persona and fake that. I also am pretty sure (not diagnosed) that I have some sort of depressive disorder to the point that at my worst days/times I am pretty sure I won't be getting much older. I've been in a particular bad shape for maybe 6 months now. The only reason I still hang in is probably that I don't mean to hurt my mother. If she wasn't there neither would I.

My job is web design, accounting, coding, data analysis, etc. I'm all over the place in terms of what I do on a daily basis, but it keeps it fresh and interesting. I really do like my job, and it's not really sales-related at all, which is exactly what I need. I'm doing more face-to-face stuff these days in training other staff and having to be more involved in meetings, and strangely enough, that doesn't bother me that much. It helps that I was forced to overcome some of that in college with my business degree, but if I'm in a controlled environment where there's an agenda, it doesn't really bother me to talk about business. I manage to compartmentalize the social aspect of that because there's a specified purpose for the interaction, which is pretty odd now that I think about it. I can lead a meeting or give a presentation, but I'm completely uncomfortable talking to half-drunk randos at a party.

I despise the phone. I actually hate missing a call more than receiving one, because that means I have to call someone back and initiate a conversation, which is a nightmare to me. I've always found the very idea of initiating conversation to be impolite and therefore unsettling to me, even when I know someone is wanting and expecting me to call them back. That was the hardest thing I had to learn how to do at my job. I'm actually good on the phone now, but that took some real effort, and I still hate every time the phone rings. Emails are 100% great for me, but I'll never get over the phone thing.

Going back to initiating conversation, though, I still don't much do that. That was definitely an issue in my younger years when I had less confidence, especially with the ladies. I have been told countless times by girls how they wanted me to ask them out back in the day, and I honestly knew some of them felt that way even back then. Part of the inaction there was being a shy, scared kid, but another part of it was simply a general discomfort in striking up a conversation with anyone. My wife pretty much had to pursue me, which, thank God she did. She's fantastic. These days, I don't really lack for confidence at all (thanks in large part to her), but I still don't find myself starting conversations. If people sit next to me at a bar and start talking to me, it actually doesn't bother me much and I'll be affable. And if I get a few in me and the inhibitions are reduced, I'll even toss out a witty comment or two and join a conversation, but I'll never start one. I'm a great drunk because I actually let some personality come out. These days it kind of just pisses me off when that happens, though, because it's like a taste of what I've left and continue to leave on the table socially when my walls are up.

I avoid center-of-attention stuff like the plague, though. That would include dancing, karaoke, et al. Fuck that. I am not that guy, I'll never be that guy, and I don't want to be that guy. Some people thrive on that crap, but it's the polar opposite of who I am. I'm not sure I've ever been loud, flamboyant, or obnoxious, and that's a streak I plan on keeping. If someone called me the "life of the party", I'd be legitimately upset. I've enhanced parties before (against all odds), but any more than that, and something went horribly wrong. I have had a few rare moments where some people who may otherwise have not felt comfortable breaking away from "the party" have come and joined my anti-party party before, though, and that's always been a really cool experience because a) the conversations that have begun in those circumstances have generally been so much more real and meaningful, b) I felt like maybe I helped show them it's okay to leave the herd for a bit, and c) because them coming over essentially told me what I was doing was okay.

As you mentioned, that smaller one-on-one stuff is great. I'd expand that to say that the larger a party is, the worse time I have, and I'm guessing you'd agree. I've whittled down some friends over the years to a few very good ones, and hanging out with them is so much better. Two weeks ago, I went over to a good buddy's house (who's normally WAY more social than I've ever been) and we had some beers, played some games, ordered some pizzas, watched/mocked some bad TV shows, and it was a fucking awesome time. Towards the end of it, he told me, "you know, I always like when you come over because you don't care if we go do anything." That kind of resonated and meant a lot.

So, yeah. I know I'm not broken, but I think I'm often misunderstood. And it's nice to hear from folks like yourself who understand.

That's a perfect description for how I feel in those situations. I don't feel like I can devote the proper attention to everyone at the party, so I end up devoting little attention to anyone. As such, something that's rooted in being respectful in terms of intent comes off as disrespectful in reality.

"Show and dance" is accurate. One of the hardest parts about this to me is that I really try to be a genuine, honest, and straight-forward person, and for the most part, I am. When I'm in some party situation having that horrific "how are you?" filler conversation with someone I barely know and often don't really care to know, it's not exactly great for me to keep it real and say, "Let me stop you there, because this shit is meaningless, neither of us care about what we're talking about, and I'm going to leave now." So I put on the show, I remain cordial, and smile and nod. And then I have to go take a fucking break.

Much of that "show" absolutely is for the wife. She knows I'm bullshitting, but she doesn't deserve to have to answer for why I'm avoiding people or if I'm coming off as rude. And honestly, I'm better for it. Shit, if I were left to my own devices, I might actually start keeping it a little too real as mentioned above, and Dave Chappelle taught us how that goes wrong.

Good call on the spectrum. I'm not all the way on one end of it, but I'm definitely a heavy lean to the introvert side. I can function well enough these days to where some people probably have no idea I struggle so much with this shit, but it's still there.

I find this subject really fascinating as well. Not just because it relates to me, but because communication is at the core of society and I think a whole lot of what goes into that isn't often taken into consideration by many people.

And no, I'm thankfully not a bitter guy. If I'm being honest with myself, I could have easily gone down that route. The wife saved me from that in several ways.

I get the point of those words from a personal empowerment standpoint, but if other people perceive me as a jerk if I'm distant, terse, or quick to leave conversations, I'd say it is a problem whether I think I did anything wrong or not. I rarely intend on hurting anyone's feelings, so if that happens, I'm not exactly okay with it. Nor am I particularly ashamed of who or how I am. I think I get what you're saying, though. As mentioned earlier, I've whittled down some friends this way, and I'm not really sorry about that in most of those cases. It's true that people who don't like the "real" you aren't real friends. I think that can be a dangerous perspective, though, because there have been times where I was an asshole and justified it to myself this way. "I just said what everyone else was too fake to say!" Nope, I went out of bounds and acted like a dick. Sometimes it's better to bullshit.

Yeah, I don't get people who don't spend any time at home, just as I'm sure they don't get me. It's the same idea as going on a vacation, where some people come back relaxed and others come back exhausted. I think you can probably guess which camp I fall into. I'm all for different strokes and everything, but I believe people who are overly concerned with "living every day to the fullest" and whatnot often miss out on the important shit. I, too, need my space and time.

Truth. People's interests don't overlap all that much, so most of the crap that anyone can talk about doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Even the phrase "networking event" is unsettling to me. That's why I mentioned sales as something I absolutely could not do earlier. I'm a substance kind of guy, so I wouldn't even know where to begin in basically trying to "sell people" on me (or anything). I have less of a need to be liked than most people probably do (at least nowadays), so I wouldn't say it's fear that's my issue; I just fundamentally don't have it in me to sell. My sales pitch for a product would seriously be "Hey, this is a good product. Here are its specs. You should buy it". The pitch probably wouldn't be much different if someone asked me to go try and sell someone on me.

Haha, "yolo" is a phrase that basically equates to me asking for the tab whenever I hear it.

Thanks, and yes, the wife is definitely a keeper. She somehow manages to let me be me while helping make me a better me. That's no easy task, and I don't take it for granted.

Man, that's kind of a downer, but the point is taken. I hadn't even really considered that because I've never had that much trouble making friends when I really wanted to, but that hits a little close to home if I consider what I'd have socially without the wife and a few close buddies. It's not that much. That's seriously about the best argument for being more social I've ever heard, so thanks for sharing.

That theory is basically heading more towards the spectrum that koolaid mentioned earlier than the arguably simplistic labels of introvert and extrovert. One could break it down into even more increments and arguably make it even more accurate, because trying to group wildly differing people is inherently going to struggle to perfectly label all. I'm not so much interested in the "theory" of stuff like this as I am the actual anecdotal experiences/feelings people have on this subject.

Exactly. I struggle with applying labels for this reason. I know I labeled myself antisocial in the title of this very thread, but that was admittedly a bit of hyperbole on my part. I don't like when academia tries to fit people into reductive categories. Basically, this.

I hear you, man, but for me personally, I've found it more rewarding to bite my tongue on occasion and occasionally engage in bullcrap. After all, some conversations start dumb and meaningless, but end up going to way different places. I think the first sentence I said to my wife verbatim was, "y'all here for the tournament?" Smooth. Let's just say I'm glad she didn't just up and walk away because she thought it was a dumb thing to talk about, and I'd like to think she'd say the same.

I personally do the "ask questions" thing that jertje mentioned earlier. You can find out a whole lot about people by letting them talk, you don't come off as disinterested even if you really are, and you get to basically avoid talking until some common ground comes up (which you have a greater chance of finding the longer you talk to someone). Most people who don't know you that well are often doing the same thing you're doing in trying to connect on some level. Sometimes it isn't there at all and you need to move on. Other times it really is. It doesn't even necessarily matter what the question is, but I often ask people to tell me about what they did last weekend or what they're doing this weekend. It's more precise of a question than the generic "how's ___" stuff, and most people spend some part of their weekends doing they want to do and enjoy thinking/talking about it. I find it opens more routes for the conversation to proceed than most things you can say. I'm admittedly not the best person to ask about this stuff, though. It's a battle for me every time to even ask in the first place and to fight through the filler.

I do find solace there, and I hope this thread serves a similar purpose for others.

I'm not a "positive" enough person to say what I mean all the time. I'm fairly happy overall, but not in ways that are readily apparent socially, especially given my dark sense of humor that I have to often ease people into. The world ain't ready for the real me. (I'm kidding; that was just fun to say.) I'm not particularly upset with the way I am; I'm just always trying to be introspective and see if I can do things better, and this is an area where that may well be the case.

It hasn't made me depressed for some time, though much of my early twenties could probably be classified that way. I'm glad you're getting help. As I said, my wife saved me, otherwise I'd probably be there now myself. I'm not sure the struggles related to being an introvert ever go away, but it is possible to be a happy introvert, and maybe that's the best thing to take away from this thread. This is a great discussion, duders, and thanks for all your input. Apologies in advance for the excessively long reply; I wanted to try to address everyone. Thanks again, guys.

You just sound introverted to me. Welcome to the club. While I'm usually unexcited by the prospect of actually interacting with any people other than, like, my girlfriend or my best friend since elementary school, I actually enjoy crowds. As long as I don't have to talk to anyone in them, they're actually kind of comforting. I love living in a big city and going to see live improv comedy once a week, and concerts, etc.

Even when I do feel like hanging out with people, I am constantly amazed by how different my priorities are than the typical non-introvert. I just don't understand why people go to bars, for instance. I've had some decent times at them, and sometimes it's the only real option, but why is it the default? There's nothing to do at bars. If at all possible I'd rather go to someone's place, or have people over at my place getting drunk and playing mario kart or doing something, but even when my place and the bar are literally ten minutes away from each other...everyone chooses the bar. I guess the problem is I don't count conversation and drinking by themselves as an activity, and most people do. I probably could do nothing but sit and talk with my best friend for hours, but even with him that's not all we do when he comes over. I just don't get it.

This might not apply to you, but something I've learned about myself is that I need to think really hard to figure out if I'm saying no to some social activity because I truly don't want to go, or because I have so much less practice than the average person at that stuff that, even though I want to do it, I'm anxious about it and that makes me want to turn it down.

When you typed anti-social I thought you were going to admit to being a SWAT caller or a giant asshole.

So what you are telling me is that I'm basically you except the married part, and that English being my second language, which is probably the worst combination xD

I bet a majority of people on Giant Bomb are introverted. We are a big club!

I'm the exact same way. It's something that I've grown used to although I do definitely need to learn to be more sociable. I still haven't quite grasped that concept yet.

Alcohol usually solves this problem for me.

as others have said, you are an introvert not anti-social. No shame in that duder.

I suspect a large portion of active forum participants are. Forums provide a way to get enough interaction without a lot of the other potentially draining aspects of socialization for the introverted.

As long as you and your wife are happy with the way your relationship works, that's what counts.

@notnert427 said:

I get the point of those words from a personal empowerment standpoint, but if other people perceive me as a jerk if I'm distant, terse, or quick to leave conversations, I'd say it is a problem whether I think I did anything wrong or not. I rarely intend on hurting anyone's feelings, so if that happens, I'm not exactly okay with it. Nor am I particularly ashamed of who or how I am. I think I get what you're saying, though. As mentioned earlier, I've whittled down some friends this way, and I'm not really sorry about that in most of those cases. It's true that people who don't like the "real" you aren't real friends. I think that can be a dangerous perspective, though, because there have been times where I was an asshole and justified it to myself this way. "I just said what everyone else was too fake to say!" Nope, I went out of bounds and acted like a dick. Sometimes it's better to bullshit.

Ow yes, when I mentioned something being perceived as a problem, I didn't mean solely by oneself. If others, especially ones you care about, find something problematic, that counts just as much. I quoted this teacher though, because all too often I see outsiders who are in no way impacted by something (whatever it is), attempting to tell other people that they're doing something wrong, or are that they are weird, abnormal or even sick in some way. This notion of 'you don't conform to the norm, therefor there's something wrong with you' is not only judgmental, but potentially harmful.

I also never meant to equate being introverted with being rude or hostile towards others. If someone prefers to be alone, this does not automatically imply they dislike/resent/whatever everyone else. But not everyone seems to grasp this though; I know all too well from personal experience that simply being quiet or distant can often be interpreted as being rude, disinterested, or arogant. On top of that, I also have a tendency to be brutally honest a lot of the time, which only adds to people's perception of me being an asshole.

The key I think, is being open about it. Let people know where you're coming from (at least when it matters), and as you said, the real friends will understand.

Anyway, just wanted to show some support and understanding, is all. So here's one of my favourite put-things-in-perspective songs.

Hey man! Welcome. And don't be preocupied about your antisocial attitude, embrace it, and understand it. Eventually things will change. :)