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#1 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -

The question may be confusing so here's some details.
 
Basically I'm in a relationship with a girl who is 20 but never been loved in her whole life, not by her parents, friends, past BF etc. because of this when something goes bad in her life she becomes very isolated because she's been conditioned to believe everyone will let her down at some point she has to take everything on by herself. Needless to say this can create problems in our relationship because her parents have treated her horribly over her life with numerous insults telling her she's worthless, ugly, a child, disrespectful, etc. so when she's feeling down she regresses to her shell and those memories come back and she thinks it's true and feels she's not worth someone's time she's not worth loving.
 
She had an argument with her mom last week and we haven't really talked at all since then. When we finally talked today she actually got angry at me for caring about her and worrying about her this week when I hadn't heard from her. When I said how worried I'd been she said she wished she never told me she had a fight with her mom and she didn't need me to worry about her or care about her and in fact said having people care about you is a bad thing. Again back to the feelings that she isn't worth anyone's time and she isolates herself and tries to do it all on her own.
 
Does anyone have any advice to how to handle this situation? I'm really at a loss here, I've had a great relationship with my parents growing up, plenty of friends who support me and care about me so it's incredibly hard for me to understand this, all I know is she's suffered a lot of pain in her life and thus far has shouldered that burden all on her own. When everyone in your life has let you down how do convince her your different and she's a person worthy of love and care?
 
I plan to go over there tomorrow and talk with her and maybe help her in whatever way possible but I'm open to suggestions here. Thanks in advance for any real advice I get.

#3 Posted by UncleClassy (405 posts) -

QUICK, ABORT MISSION

#4 Posted by hondorondo (236 posts) -

I'm horrible myself but still can't help! Maybe hug her? :D

#5 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -

Ah well this is about the initial barrage I expected =)
 
I'm sure I'll get lots of gtfo she's crazy stuff and perhaps you're right but I'm set on going to see her tomorrow and talking with her. Just looking for any advice on what to say from people who perhaps had a tough experience growing up as she did.

#6 Posted by valrog (3671 posts) -

Erase her memory.

#7 Posted by MentalDisruption (1620 posts) -

Touch her shoulder?

#8 Posted by Juicebox (485 posts) -

op get out don't hurt yourself.

#9 Posted by AlexW00d (6226 posts) -

@MentalDisruption said:

Touch her shoulder?

It took 6 posts for this. That's 5 more than I expected.

#10 Posted by Jams (2960 posts) -

@UncleClassy said:

QUICK, ABORT MISSION

Sounds like he's dating a stripper...

DAMAGED GOODS MAN! DAMAGED GOODS!

#11 Posted by SSully (4147 posts) -

You are in for a long, hard trip my friend. Chances are you are just going to come out hurt. So you need to make sure you are ready for that. All you can do is just be there for her and have unwavering support and love for her. Also it sounds like she should be seeing a psychologist or something.

#12 Posted by EuanDewar (4873 posts) -

Swag.

#13 Posted by Giefcookie (595 posts) -

The only relationship advice I've ever been given is 'When in doubt, pull it out!" but I dont think that applies here.

#14 Posted by Everyones_A_Critic (6294 posts) -

I don't know, just please don't play that fucking "How to Love" song. PLEASE..

#15 Posted by RaikohBlade (593 posts) -
@Blannir: In order to prove her wrong, why not show your feelings to her by proposing to her? Asking her to marry you will be the best way to show her that she is indeed loved, and by the most important man in her life. 
#16 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@Juicebox said:
op get out don't hurt yourself. 

I'd say I'm already kinda hurt lol this is mainly just for closure I guess a last stand of sorts. I need to talk with her one last time and try to help her it's not about the relationship at this point I'm worried about her as a person and don't want to see her deal with all that pain on her own.
 
 
@Jams said:

@UncleClassy said:

QUICK, ABORT MISSION

Sounds like he's dating a stripper...

DAMAGED GOODS MAN! DAMAGED GOODS!

Not a stripper, she's a very modest and kind person.
#17 Posted by SethPhotopoulos (5201 posts) -
@Blannir said:
I plan to go over there tomorrow and talk with her and maybe help her in whatever way possible.
I think that's the best thing you can do.  Just be as supportive as possible without being overbearing.   Be prepared for a break up though.
#18 Posted by TheGreatGuero (9130 posts) -

Dude, that's a great opportunity to show her what love is. Be a romantic, man. But yeah, also be very patient and understanding with her. Just be aware that you might not be able to change her ways, but if you like her, give it a shot.

#19 Posted by Redbullet685 (6031 posts) -
@MentalDisruption said:
Touch her shoulder?
Aw man. I wanted to post this.
#20 Posted by UncleClassy (405 posts) -
@Blannir said:

 
@Jams said:

@UncleClassy said:

QUICK, ABORT MISSION

Sounds like he's dating a stripper...

DAMAGED GOODS MAN! DAMAGED GOODS!

Not a stripper, she's a very modest and kind person.
Sorry man, I couldn't resist.
Seriously though, get her to see a psychiatrist or something. If you really like her that much try going with her too
#21 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@SSully said:

You are in for a long, hard trip my friend. Chances are you are just going to come out hurt. So you need to make sure you are ready for that. All you can do is just be there for her and have unwavering support and love for her. Also it sounds like she should be seeing a psychologist or something.

Yeah I'm prepared, I've been in a similar situation to this a few weeks ago when surprise she had a huge fight with her mom. Will definitely try to support her in any way I can just hard when the person doesn't feel they're worthy of that and tries to keep you at arms length. Also saying hey you should see a psychologist probably not the sweetest thing to say to her right now ;)
 
@RaikohBlade said:
@Blannir: In order to prove her wrong, why not show your feelings to her by proposing to her? Asking her to marry you will be the best way to show her that she is indeed loved, and by the most important man in her life. 
It's a bit soon to be proposing to her, but thank you for the adivce. =)
 
@SethPhotopoulos said:
@Blannir said:
I plan to go over there tomorrow and talk with her and maybe help her in whatever way possible.
I think that's the best thing you can do.  Just be as supportive as possible without being overbearing.   Be prepared for a break up though.
Thanks, honestly I want things to go well tomorrow obviously but there is that part of me that expects her to just ask me to leave or not say anything at all so I'm prepared for that side of it too.
#22 Posted by Aronman789 (2676 posts) -

This chick kinda sounds like me, except I don't get sad after something goes wrong, I just live with it. 
 
If your are really serious about this girl and care for her, don't do it too fast, just do it passively and let her slowly get used to you. If you did something drastic like asking her to marry you or something, she most likely would get creeped out and never want to see you again. Don't do that.

#23 Posted by MentalDisruption (1620 posts) -

As a more serious response, your plan of talking to her and trying to be there for her is about the best you can do. Just don't over do it. From the way it sounds like her mind has been trained to work, if you overload with love and compassion she'll probably get paranoid and assume you're lying to her. She's used to people treating her like shit from the sound of it, that's been her world, and you doing what you're trying to do goes against everything she's known. People don't respond well to that even when it's for the best. So approach cautiously, and if something you're doing starts to upset her pull back a bit and think carefully. Being in a relationship with someone like this is like walking on thin ice. Keep in mind things could fall apart and screw you over very easily. If all goes well though, good for you.

#24 Posted by PenguinDust (12479 posts) -

How long have you been in this relationship because if she's got abandonment issues then the only way for you to overcome that is slowly by being around whenever she gets into an isolationist mood.  If you don't love her, it's best to split now otherwise should she start to trust you and you leave, you'll just reinforce her melancholy expectations.  If you can't commit to being the example that disproves her law, then make a clean break now. 

#25 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@UncleClassy said:
@Blannir said:

 
@Jams said:

@UncleClassy said:

QUICK, ABORT MISSION

Sounds like he's dating a stripper...

DAMAGED GOODS MAN! DAMAGED GOODS!

Not a stripper, she's a very modest and kind person.
Sorry man, I couldn't resist. Seriously though, get her to see a psychiatrist or something. If you really like her that much try going with her too
Right on, if she was open to therapy I would go with her for sure. Like I said I don't want to see her have to deal with everything on her own anymore.
#26 Posted by CookieMonster (2416 posts) -

The title of this post sounds like a lyric from a Smiths song.

#27 Posted by Seppli (10251 posts) -

XTC. Or whatever other chemicals are suitable to instill closeness and happiness. And music. Freely give affection - physical and otherwise. Lots of oral sex. I love me any wench, who has my cock in her mouth and knows what she's doing. For as long as I last, at the very least.

#28 Edited by Seppli (10251 posts) -

Erm yeah... so if if your wench is like I am, eat her out frequently and heartly. Also give her happy funtime drugs. 
 
Buy her a dog?
 
Yeah. Go with the dog.

#29 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@MentalDisruption said:
As a more serious response, your plan of talking to her and trying to be there for her is about the best you can do. Just don't over do it. From the way it sounds like her mind has been trained to work, if you overload with love and compassion she'll probably get paranoid and assume you're lying to her. She's used to people treating her like shit from the sound of it, that's been her world, and you doing what you're trying to do goes against everything she's known. People don't respond well to that even when it's for the best. So approach cautiously, and if something you're doing starts to upset her pull back a bit and think carefully. Being in a relationship with someone like this is like walking on thin ice. Keep in mind things could fall apart and screw you over very easily. If all goes well though, good for you.
Thanks for the advice, it is very tough knowing how much is too much with her because like you said it goes against everything she's known. What may be normal behavior for another relationship may come off as too much for her or she won't understand it. I mean getting upset at me for caring about her!? just boggles my mind at times.
 
@PenguinDust said:
How long have you been in this relationship because if she's got abandonment issues then the only way for you to overcome that is slowly by being around whenever she gets into an isolationist mood.  If you don't love her, it's best to split now otherwise should she start to trust you and you leave, you'll just reinforce her melancholy expectations.  If you can't commit to being the example that disproves her law, then make a clean break now. 
It's been about 5 months and yeah since the incident last week I've been trying to be around for her as much as possible and support her. it just gets tricky when during that time she isn't talking to me so I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing you know? I do love her and desperately want to help her I'm not gonna leave her.
#30 Edited by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -
@Blannir: If you love her tell her that man, and no matter what happens you'll be there for her.
Fuck, i feel so gay after writing this. Edit: Btw, she hot? I don't see any other reason for your involvement.
#31 Edited by Blannir (245 posts) -
@Seppli said:

XTC. Or whatever other chemicals are suitable to instill closeness and happiness. And music. Freely give affection - physical and otherwise. Lots of oral sex. I love me any wench, who has my cock in her mouth and knows what she's doing. For as long as I last, at the very least.

@Seppli said:

Erm yeah... so if if your wench is like I am, eat her out frequently and heartly. Also give her happy funtime drugs. Buy her a dog?  Yeah. Go with the dog.

lol she doesn't use drugs/drink and she believes in abstinence until marriage so sex is out of the question she also already has a dog. Thanks for the lighthearted response though, I could use some laughs right now =)
#32 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8698 posts) -
@Blannir: Take advice from a girl who's been there.
 
Don't be up in her case, leave her alone and just be there, without asking what you could do for her, just be there, think with your heart but also with your mind.
If you're down and out, someone's confession of love is a guilt trip you don't want to add.
 
My friends usually let me be and just help out where they can without trying too hard, her case sounds like it so I recommend space.
If she's really in it for you too, she'll know, she'll respond.
#33 Posted by PeasantAbuse (5138 posts) -
@EuanDewar said:

Swag.

#34 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@TheDudeOfGaming said:
@Blannir: If you love her tell her that man, and no matter what happens you'll be there for her. Fuck, i feel so gay after writing this.
Been there done that =/ The problem is when everyone in your life has let you down including your parents you may hear someone say they love you but believing it is a whole different matter.
#35 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -
@Blannir said:
@TheDudeOfGaming said:
@Blannir: If you love her tell her that man, and no matter what happens you'll be there for her. Fuck, i feel so gay after writing this.
Been there done that =/ The problem is when everyone in your life has let you down including your parents you may hear someone say they love you but believing it is a whole different matter.
Fuck, relationships are complicated...THIS is the reason why you should use hookers instead.
#36 Posted by Ravenousrattler (1417 posts) -

Like a dog thats been abused all its life, it takes time to gain trust , to make it like you, depend on you. Just take it one day at a time this girl just isn't going to open up after years of mental/verbal abuse, it takes time. Just support her, encourage her, show her you will be there when shit hits the fan. She should eventually come around, but know that she probably is going to stab someone, so never leave her.

#37 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@TaliciaDragonsong said:
@Blannir: Take advice from a girl who's been there.  Don't be up in her case, leave her alone and just be there, without asking what you could do for her, just be there, think with your heart but also with your mind. If you're down and out, someone's confession of love is a guilt trip you don't want to add.  My friends usually let me be and just help out where they can without trying too hard, her case sounds like it so I recommend space. If she's really in it for you too, she'll know, she'll respond.
Ok excellent, advice from a girl who has lived this herself. When she's down it's just really hard for me to not want to talk to her and help her however I can. So you're saying I should do nothing when she gets like this except just be around but not say anything? Taking that into account with her getting upset with me today and saying having some care about you is a bad thing am I making a mistake by going to see her tomorrow?
 
Also if you could explain more about someone saying they love you making you feel guilty when you're down I would really appreciate it because she had said something similar to that before.
#38 Posted by TheSeductiveMoose (3617 posts) -

Does everything she touch turn into Skittles?

#39 Edited by TorMasturba (1095 posts) -

@Blannir: If it were me I'd break up with her and make sure that it was abundantly clear that you were going to keep hanging out with her to hang out with HER, not out of pity. And definitely NOT in the old "We can still be friends though" and you never see each other kind of way, but in the: "I want to break up with you and I really still want to hang out with you tommorrow/next week as a good friend.

I think she needs to see that even if you're not in a relationship with her you're still going to stick around. It might show her that there IS actually some people that can be leant on for support in times of need.

It will also show her that you really do care for her and that you're not just showing her affection/care because you're obligated, as her boyfriend, to do so, as she may see it.

But please take my comments with a grain of salt, as I'm only 23 myself and feel I'd be talking out of my arse if I gave you this advice without stating that I don't know what I'm talking about. Most people don't.

Really it comes down to you and her, the only advice that I really would enforce would be that it's a relationship, something created via emotions of two humans that like each other quite alot/very much, lay the cards on the table for all to see when things get hard. If she reacts positively then stick around, if she reacts negatively then leave in as positive a way as possible. ie: read top suggestion again. Do what feels right in the moment. ;-)

#40 Posted by craigbo180 (1739 posts) -
@Blannir: You have two options. 
 
1. Fake your own death. 
2. Let Lil B fuck your bitch.
#41 Posted by hedfone (1751 posts) -

clearly pics are needed

#42 Posted by Blannir (245 posts) -
@TorMasturba said:

@Blannir: If it were me I'd break up with her and make sure that it was abundantly clear that you were going to keep hanging out with her. Not in the old "We can still be friends though" and you never see each other kind of way, but in the I want to break up with and hang out with you tommorrow/next week as a friend.

I think she needs to see that even if you're not in a relationship with her you're still going to stick around. It might show her that some people can be leant on for support in times of need.

Right on, I had been thinking something like this as well. It's not like if tomorrow goes meh and she says she wants to end the relationship and be friends I'm gonna take off. I love her very much and will be there for her regardless of if we're friends or BF/GF.
#43 Posted by Bollard (5392 posts) -
@Everyones_A_Critic said:

I don't know, just please don't play that fucking "How to Love" song. PLEASE..

  
  I've never heard this song before, is this what you wanted?
#44 Posted by Everyones_A_Critic (6294 posts) -

@Chavtheworld said:

@Everyones_A_Critic said:

I don't know, just please don't play that fucking "How to Love" song. PLEASE..

I've never heard this song before, is this what you wanted?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

#45 Edited by Seppli (10251 posts) -
@Blannir said:

@Seppli said:

XTC. Or whatever other chemicals are suitable to instill closeness and happiness. And music. Freely give affection - physical and otherwise. Lots of oral sex. I love me any wench, who has my cock in her mouth and knows what she's doing. For as long as I last, at the very least.

@Seppli said:

Erm yeah... so if if your wench is like I am, eat her out frequently and heartly. Also give her happy funtime drugs. Buy her a dog?  Yeah. Go with the dog.

lol she doesn't use drugs/drink and she believes in abstinence until marriage so sex is out of the question she also already has a dog. Thanks for the lighthearted response though, I could use some laughs right now =)
Then just buy her happy funtime foods. Chocolates and such. Oh - I was quite serious about the dog. Dogs are quite therapeutic. Most are kind and love their master/mistress without reservation.
 
As for the abstinence. How does she feel about massages? I guess foot rubs and scalp and back massaging go a long way. An old-fashioned rub-a-dub fingerbang is out of the question? You can get her off without penetration you know...
 
Talk about the dog. And get that physical contact going. Don't make it about sex. Make it about 'Wellness'. Either way - you need get started. Do something kind, anything really...
#46 Posted by Bollard (5392 posts) -
@Everyones_A_Critic said:

@Chavtheworld said:

@Everyones_A_Critic said:

I don't know, just please don't play that fucking "How to Love" song. PLEASE..

I've never heard this song before, is this what you wanted?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

#47 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8698 posts) -
@Blannir said:
@TaliciaDragonsong said:
@Blannir: Take advice from a girl who's been there.  Don't be up in her case, leave her alone and just be there, without asking what you could do for her, just be there, think with your heart but also with your mind. If you're down and out, someone's confession of love is a guilt trip you don't want to add.  My friends usually let me be and just help out where they can without trying too hard, her case sounds like it so I recommend space. If she's really in it for you too, she'll know, she'll respond.
Ok excellent, advice from a girl who has lived this herself. When she's down it's just really hard for me to not want to talk to her and help her however I can. So you're saying I should do nothing when she gets like this except just be around but not say anything? Taking that into account with her getting upset with me today and saying having some care about you is a bad thing am I making a mistake by going to see her tomorrow?  Also if you could explain more about someone saying they love you making you feel guilty when you're down I would really appreciate it because she had said something similar to that before.
I'm saying she's a mental case and clearly needs a lot of time (months, years) to set herself straight before she's ready to even commit to a thing.
That's just what I'm reading tho, all I can say is that when you're in a situation like hers, having a relationship (or a best friend who's on your neck all the time) is an extra pack of stress you don't want to handle.
She's feeling pressure, no one's loving her and she feels worthless cus she's down, and since she's so down she can't live up expectations (you might have none, she certainly will) and will get mad at herself for not being able to live up, hence confirming her feelings she's worthless.
 
My tip is to tone down your craziness for her a little in conversations, its very sweet but that's the thing, mad at herself for making you feel unhappy (you know what I mean, she'll see it that way).
If you tell her you're worried and scared about her she'll feel guilty for making you feel that way, which is not what she needs to hear, however sweet it sounds to you or an outsider to say such things.
 
I'm not sure what she wants to hear, I ain't her, but the best way to convince someone they're wanted is to just be there, hang out, do things, not question situations or keep talking about insecurities.
Saying "You're not worthless" is great, but its a straight reminder for her to other memories...a trigger if you will.
 
Don't worry about it so much, that's what's killing these situations, just give her time, turn off your own needs and follow her guidance.
 
I guess, I was the depressed one in my situation and my boyfriend was on my neck all the time and it only made me feel worse, so I hope this makes sense from the other way around. xD
#48 Posted by DonutFever (3550 posts) -

I've never known someone like that, so I can't speak from experience, I can't think of anything but to tell her what you said here, she is worth your time, and you care about her.

#49 Edited by Blannir (245 posts) -
@TaliciaDragonsong said:

@Blannir said:

@TaliciaDragonsong said:
@Blannir: Take advice from a girl who's been there.  Don't be up in her case, leave her alone and just be there, without asking what you could do for her, just be there, think with your heart but also with your mind. If you're down and out, someone's confession of love is a guilt trip you don't want to add.  My friends usually let me be and just help out where they can without trying too hard, her case sounds like it so I recommend space. If she's really in it for you too, she'll know, she'll respond.
Ok excellent, advice from a girl who has lived this herself. When she's down it's just really hard for me to not want to talk to her and help her however I can. So you're saying I should do nothing when she gets like this except just be around but not say anything? Taking that into account with her getting upset with me today and saying having some care about you is a bad thing am I making a mistake by going to see her tomorrow?  Also if you could explain more about someone saying they love you making you feel guilty when you're down I would really appreciate it because she had said something similar to that before.
I'm saying she's a mental case and clearly needs a lot of time (months, years) to set herself straight before she's ready to even commit to a thing. That's just what I'm reading tho, all I can say is that when you're in a situation like hers, having a relationship (or a best friend who's on your neck all the time) is an extra pack of stress you don't want to handle. She's feeling pressure, no one's loving her and she feels worthless cus she's down, and since she's so down she can't live up expectations (you might have none, she certainly will) and will get mad at herself for not being able to live up, hence confirming her feelings she's worthless.  My tip is to tone down your craziness for her a little in conversations, its very sweet but that's the thing, mad at herself for making you feel unhappy (you know what I mean, she'll see it that way). If you tell her you're worried and scared about her she'll feel guilty for making you feel that way, which is not what she needs to hear, however sweet it sounds to you or an outsider to say such things.  I'm not sure what she wants to hear, I ain't her, but the best way to convince someone they're wanted is to just be there, hang out, do things, not question situations or keep talking about insecurities. Saying "You're not worthless" is great, but its a straight reminder for her to other memories...a trigger if you will.  Don't worry about it so much, that's what's killing these situations, just give her time, turn off your own needs and follow her guidance.  I guess, I was the depressed one in my situation and my boyfriend was on my neck all the time and it only made me feel worse, so I hope this makes sense from the other way around. xD
Wow....this is amazing honestly. So much of this hits really close to home with whats been happening lately, thank you again for the response.
#50 Posted by FlipperDesert (2082 posts) -
@TaliciaDragonsong said:
@Blannir: Take advice from a girl who's been there.  Don't be up in her case, leave her alone and just be there, without asking what you could do for her, just be there, think with your heart but also with your mind. If you're down and out, someone's confession of love is a guilt trip you don't want to add.  My friends usually let me be and just help out where they can without trying too hard, her case sounds like it so I recommend space. If she's really in it for you too, she'll know, she'll respond.
This. Try as you might, but as a general rule with people going up to someone and going "Feel better!" normally does the opposite. It's ultimately up to her if she opens up about her feelings and forcing the process would threaten her.
 
What it sounds like she needs if her home life is bad is a good distraction outside. This way you can cheer her up without being all touchy-feely and putting her on the defensive. Maybe take her to do something fun, exciting or something she wouldn't normally do in her day-to-day life. Or a hobby that would give her an outlet for her feelings etc. so that her family's not the only thing on her mind. Compliment her, be a gent and generally do lots of cool shit. Most important of all, do not mention that this is a plan to cheer her up of any sort. This is all meant to be confidence-building on the sly.
 
In short, what I'm saying is you should touch her shoulder.