The past two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life.
If you will recall two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor, I was told to keep a mood diary and everything. Well it turns out this was some week to keep one, because the worst shit happened in the two weeks and well it's why I have not been here. It started off alright, not happy happy happy but you know just normal days. But a few days in my dog passed away, we had to put him down, and I was in the room when they did. I loved my dog so much, he was 13 and I was 7 years old when he entered my life, he was a black labrador and he was pretty much my best friend, I wept for a few days after he left even taking a day or two off of work.
The rest of the days went along pretty poor, interests faded away, I no longer enjoyed playing video games or reading or watching media. I would wake up, go to work come home and go to sleep. On the weekend I would surround myself with family in hopes of getting better, but it just seemed to get worse. I even stopped going on the Giant Bomb forums, I haven't created a single topic in weeks which isn't like me at all. Then this past Sunday, it came down to it, I tried to kill myself.
I had it all planned out, I would take as many painkillers as I could take and then go to sleep. I wasn't going to leave any note or anything, just go, as quick as I could. But i didn't, I panicked and well I managed to get ahold of a friend and they calmed me down. The next day I went back into work, in which I broke down and had to confess to my boss what I tried to do, resulting in some long conversations. One of the bad outcomes was that my friends have had enough, the people who I considered to me my best friends all sunned away from me, one word answers and didn't want to look at me. I confronted a few later and asked why are they doing this, they told me they were going to take the tough love approach, they told me to get over it and stop pestering them. That night, I tried to take my own life again.
I'm still here, so it didn't work, this time I had no friends to calm me down. So I trudged along to the doctors banging on the door asking for help, nobody was there as it had just closed, so I collapsed and cried in the snow for a while. This was when I had hit my lowest point, I had just tried to kill myself the second time and I was laying in the snow, in a doctors car park crying. The next day I took a day off work, I stayed in bed all day not really moving or talking to anybody. I had stopped eating the day before and didn't eat anything this day either, I was just not hungry. I had a doctors appointment that evening, I confessed to her everything that had happened. I ended up crying at the doctors too, she was a really nice doctor and listened to what I had to say, but they she came out with something that i wasn't really expecting. She told me that I was only mildy depressed and that there is something else much more prevalent and the main cause.
I didn't know quite what to say, at first I was quite angry and confused, she then explained and diagnosed me with an Anxiety Disorder. Turns out that people with an Anxiety disorder believe themselves to be depressed when actually the reason they are feeling depressed is due to a Anxiety Disorder. I hadn't considered this before, but when she explained everything to me she could tell in an instance. I always assumed everybody was like this, but apparently it isn't. She still said I had a mild form of depression though so they will work with both things, but they want to try and get rid of the anxiety first because thats the main issue with my life right now.
She gave me some antidepressants, I'm to take one a day for as long as she feels necessary. I've heard from others that have been on AD's for years, so I have no idea when I won't need them anymore. The side effect list was very long, but she told me all I needed to worry about was sickness as that seemed to be the most common. They will take a week to work, until then I just have to keep going. Work spoke to me again today, they have given me three days off next week. They have told me though to keep going to the doctors, which I am now as I have to see her every week until she decides she can't do anymore and recommends a therapist or decides I'm all good.
Now I'm sitting here, eating some Caramel nibbles and watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Video games haven't interested me in a while and they still don't, the only one that seems to keep my attention is Ratchet and Clank: Q Force, the doctor told me that my ability to enjoy former interests would return as soon as the drugs start to take effect. Until that time I will continue to keep on getting on. I have had to stop drinking and also delete my Facebook account, drinking is my way of feeling better when actually it just makes me feel worse in the end. Facebook makes me very paranoid and would not be helpful at this time, so it's gone.
All thats left is me, thats something to be happy about.