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Avatar image for hizang
Posted by Hizang (9359 posts) -

The past two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life.

If you will recall two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor, I was told to keep a mood diary and everything. Well it turns out this was some week to keep one, because the worst shit happened in the two weeks and well it's why I have not been here. It started off alright, not happy happy happy but you know just normal days. But a few days in my dog passed away, we had to put him down, and I was in the room when they did. I loved my dog so much, he was 13 and I was 7 years old when he entered my life, he was a black labrador and he was pretty much my best friend, I wept for a few days after he left even taking a day or two off of work.

The rest of the days went along pretty poor, interests faded away, I no longer enjoyed playing video games or reading or watching media. I would wake up, go to work come home and go to sleep. On the weekend I would surround myself with family in hopes of getting better, but it just seemed to get worse. I even stopped going on the Giant Bomb forums, I haven't created a single topic in weeks which isn't like me at all. Then this past Sunday, it came down to it, I tried to kill myself.

I had it all planned out, I would take as many painkillers as I could take and then go to sleep. I wasn't going to leave any note or anything, just go, as quick as I could. But i didn't, I panicked and well I managed to get ahold of a friend and they calmed me down. The next day I went back into work, in which I broke down and had to confess to my boss what I tried to do, resulting in some long conversations. One of the bad outcomes was that my friends have had enough, the people who I considered to me my best friends all sunned away from me, one word answers and didn't want to look at me. I confronted a few later and asked why are they doing this, they told me they were going to take the tough love approach, they told me to get over it and stop pestering them. That night, I tried to take my own life again.

I'm still here, so it didn't work, this time I had no friends to calm me down. So I trudged along to the doctors banging on the door asking for help, nobody was there as it had just closed, so I collapsed and cried in the snow for a while. This was when I had hit my lowest point, I had just tried to kill myself the second time and I was laying in the snow, in a doctors car park crying. The next day I took a day off work, I stayed in bed all day not really moving or talking to anybody. I had stopped eating the day before and didn't eat anything this day either, I was just not hungry. I had a doctors appointment that evening, I confessed to her everything that had happened. I ended up crying at the doctors too, she was a really nice doctor and listened to what I had to say, but they she came out with something that i wasn't really expecting. She told me that I was only mildy depressed and that there is something else much more prevalent and the main cause.

I didn't know quite what to say, at first I was quite angry and confused, she then explained and diagnosed me with an Anxiety Disorder. Turns out that people with an Anxiety disorder believe themselves to be depressed when actually the reason they are feeling depressed is due to a Anxiety Disorder. I hadn't considered this before, but when she explained everything to me she could tell in an instance. I always assumed everybody was like this, but apparently it isn't. She still said I had a mild form of depression though so they will work with both things, but they want to try and get rid of the anxiety first because thats the main issue with my life right now.

She gave me some antidepressants, I'm to take one a day for as long as she feels necessary. I've heard from others that have been on AD's for years, so I have no idea when I won't need them anymore. The side effect list was very long, but she told me all I needed to worry about was sickness as that seemed to be the most common. They will take a week to work, until then I just have to keep going. Work spoke to me again today, they have given me three days off next week. They have told me though to keep going to the doctors, which I am now as I have to see her every week until she decides she can't do anymore and recommends a therapist or decides I'm all good.

Now I'm sitting here, eating some Caramel nibbles and watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Video games haven't interested me in a while and they still don't, the only one that seems to keep my attention is Ratchet and Clank: Q Force, the doctor told me that my ability to enjoy former interests would return as soon as the drugs start to take effect. Until that time I will continue to keep on getting on. I have had to stop drinking and also delete my Facebook account, drinking is my way of feeling better when actually it just makes me feel worse in the end. Facebook makes me very paranoid and would not be helpful at this time, so it's gone.

All thats left is me, thats something to be happy about.

Avatar image for hizang
#1 Posted by Hizang (9359 posts) -

The past two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life.

If you will recall two weeks ago I went to visit the doctor, I was told to keep a mood diary and everything. Well it turns out this was some week to keep one, because the worst shit happened in the two weeks and well it's why I have not been here. It started off alright, not happy happy happy but you know just normal days. But a few days in my dog passed away, we had to put him down, and I was in the room when they did. I loved my dog so much, he was 13 and I was 7 years old when he entered my life, he was a black labrador and he was pretty much my best friend, I wept for a few days after he left even taking a day or two off of work.

The rest of the days went along pretty poor, interests faded away, I no longer enjoyed playing video games or reading or watching media. I would wake up, go to work come home and go to sleep. On the weekend I would surround myself with family in hopes of getting better, but it just seemed to get worse. I even stopped going on the Giant Bomb forums, I haven't created a single topic in weeks which isn't like me at all. Then this past Sunday, it came down to it, I tried to kill myself.

I had it all planned out, I would take as many painkillers as I could take and then go to sleep. I wasn't going to leave any note or anything, just go, as quick as I could. But i didn't, I panicked and well I managed to get ahold of a friend and they calmed me down. The next day I went back into work, in which I broke down and had to confess to my boss what I tried to do, resulting in some long conversations. One of the bad outcomes was that my friends have had enough, the people who I considered to me my best friends all sunned away from me, one word answers and didn't want to look at me. I confronted a few later and asked why are they doing this, they told me they were going to take the tough love approach, they told me to get over it and stop pestering them. That night, I tried to take my own life again.

I'm still here, so it didn't work, this time I had no friends to calm me down. So I trudged along to the doctors banging on the door asking for help, nobody was there as it had just closed, so I collapsed and cried in the snow for a while. This was when I had hit my lowest point, I had just tried to kill myself the second time and I was laying in the snow, in a doctors car park crying. The next day I took a day off work, I stayed in bed all day not really moving or talking to anybody. I had stopped eating the day before and didn't eat anything this day either, I was just not hungry. I had a doctors appointment that evening, I confessed to her everything that had happened. I ended up crying at the doctors too, she was a really nice doctor and listened to what I had to say, but they she came out with something that i wasn't really expecting. She told me that I was only mildy depressed and that there is something else much more prevalent and the main cause.

I didn't know quite what to say, at first I was quite angry and confused, she then explained and diagnosed me with an Anxiety Disorder. Turns out that people with an Anxiety disorder believe themselves to be depressed when actually the reason they are feeling depressed is due to a Anxiety Disorder. I hadn't considered this before, but when she explained everything to me she could tell in an instance. I always assumed everybody was like this, but apparently it isn't. She still said I had a mild form of depression though so they will work with both things, but they want to try and get rid of the anxiety first because thats the main issue with my life right now.

She gave me some antidepressants, I'm to take one a day for as long as she feels necessary. I've heard from others that have been on AD's for years, so I have no idea when I won't need them anymore. The side effect list was very long, but she told me all I needed to worry about was sickness as that seemed to be the most common. They will take a week to work, until then I just have to keep going. Work spoke to me again today, they have given me three days off next week. They have told me though to keep going to the doctors, which I am now as I have to see her every week until she decides she can't do anymore and recommends a therapist or decides I'm all good.

Now I'm sitting here, eating some Caramel nibbles and watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Video games haven't interested me in a while and they still don't, the only one that seems to keep my attention is Ratchet and Clank: Q Force, the doctor told me that my ability to enjoy former interests would return as soon as the drugs start to take effect. Until that time I will continue to keep on getting on. I have had to stop drinking and also delete my Facebook account, drinking is my way of feeling better when actually it just makes me feel worse in the end. Facebook makes me very paranoid and would not be helpful at this time, so it's gone.

All thats left is me, thats something to be happy about.

Avatar image for samstrife
#2 Posted by SamStrife (1330 posts) -

Stay strong duder.

Avatar image for inkerman
#3 Posted by inkerman (1492 posts) -

Aww shit duder. Good thing you got some help. Hang in there though, the GB Forum bud's will help you out!

Avatar image for eerietraveler
#4 Posted by EerieTraveler (38 posts) -

Good on you for getting help. I wish you the best.

Avatar image for kermoosh
#5 Posted by kermoosh (919 posts) -

suicide is a quick solution to a temporary problem. You got this duder, kick it in the balls

Avatar image for earlessshrimp
#6 Posted by EarlessShrimp (1841 posts) -

Well you'll have to let us know how things go in the coming weeks duder! Keep strong, if you need to chat or whatever feel free to send a PM my way! :)

Avatar image for jctango
#7 Posted by JCTango (1500 posts) -

@Hizang: Dang, when it rains, it pours :(. Try to occupy your mind with distractions (hopefully constructive ones). Antidepressants are kind of dangerous IMO, but in your case they are probably warranted.

Sucks to hear that about your friends too - but if you can find someone to talk to, it could make a world of difference - maybe try to see if there is a crisis line in your area, don't be ashamed to use it - they're there for instances like these - to give emotional support.

Avatar image for fobwashed
#8 Posted by Fobwashed (2695 posts) -

I don't think people who don't own their own their own dog can really comprehend how important they are to us. Especially if they've been with you for a long time and you're their primary care giver. The death of a loved one can really hit hard but it gets better over time. Whether with the help of some anti depressants or just the passage of time, you'll get better and start enjoying things again. Hang in there duder.

Avatar image for mcghee
#9 Posted by McGhee (6128 posts) -

Cute kitties always make things better.

Avatar image for daveydave
#10 Posted by Daveydave (256 posts) -

good luck with everything, it will work out I'm sure :)

Avatar image for sploder
#11 Posted by Sploder (918 posts) -

Damn Hizang, that's some messed up stuff. Stay strong man. And get better friends! They shouldn't have abandoned you like that. Fuck them.

Avatar image for hizang
#12 Edited by Hizang (9359 posts) -

@McGhee: Its why I started following Emergency Cute Stuff on Twitter.

@JCTango: I started emailing The Samaritans, I don't if know if your from the UK but there a 24/7 suicide helpline.

@EarlessShrimp: @Fobwashed: @kermoosh: @Inkerman: @EerieTraveler: @SamStrife: @Sploder: @Daveydave: Thanks duders.

Avatar image for bamsen
#13 Posted by Bamsen (372 posts) -

Stay strong duder, suicide is not the solution. And kudos for getting help, thats a brave thing duder

Avatar image for samstrife
#14 Edited by SamStrife (1330 posts) -

@Hizang: Anytime duder, I'd say more but I'm at work. I'd gladly talk to you in more depth if you ever need it, hit me up with a pm or something dude.

Avatar image for triviaman09
#15 Posted by triviaman09 (862 posts) -

From a person who also suffers from an anxiety disorder, stay strong duder.

Things will get better.

Avatar image for grantheaslip
#16 Posted by GrantHeaslip (1869 posts) -

I can't offer any particularly profound (or medical) advice, but I'll say this: the late teens and early twenties can be really shitty, but years from now you'll look back at the stuff that was causing you existential crises and marvel at how minor it was (setting aside depression/anxiety disorder, which are anything but minor). I've never been suicidal or depressed in the medical sense, but I've felt pretty dark at times, and at 23, still do sometimes, though noticeably less often and for better reasons. At 20-21, you're probably in the worst of it. The problems you have, in context, simply can't be that bad — you haven't ruined anything. There are a lot of people out there who basically make a mess of their life until close to 30 and come out of it just fine — there's nothing you can do at 21 short of killing yourself that can't be fixed.

I think knowing that your problem is basically a chemical one should help — if you ever feel suicidal, try to remember that it's your brain playing tricks on you. That said, take the underlying problem seriously. Depression (and alcoholism, which is related) runs in my family, and I have family members whose lives were ruined by it — you need to do whatever your doctor says to do, and do some independent research of your own. I'm sure there are some really great resources and books out there.

Of course, I Am Not A Doctor, so don't take any of that as gospel.

Avatar image for c0v3rt
#17 Edited by C0V3RT (1419 posts) -

Sorry to hear but good luck and stay strong.

Avatar image for leinad44
#18 Edited by leinad44 (607 posts) -

Props for seeking help, you're stronger than I am. I wish I had done that in the first place when I hit my low point when I lost my mum over a year ago, I thought I'd be wasting their time and decided to deal with it myself. I never attempted suicide though, since I had lost a friend a few years ago to similar circumstances, therefore I knew first hand that only serves to mess up the lives of the people who care about you.

Keep up going to the doctors, they help you get sorted out, never try and tackle things on your own. Also I'd like to add you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist, the medication may be treating the symptoms of a deeper rooted problem.

Avatar image for ravenlight
#19 Posted by Ravenlight (8057 posts) -

@Hizang:

Yeah but is your butt okay?

Avatar image for trafalgarlaw
#20 Edited by TrafalgarLaw (1715 posts) -

You're going to be fine if you keep to your medication for a while (I assume paroxetin?). More than anything, you need someone to support you. Call up that old friend and have a chat. I wish you best of luck and remember that keeping everything bottled up inside will only make it worse. Don't linger too long about happened, it happened and and real strenght will come out if it if you learn to cope with it.

Aside from the doctor, did you consider maybe going to a therapist? I'm not in a position to pry but I think there could be something more going on than you're willing to tell us.

You'll probably hear this ad nauseum, and I think you know it too...but suicide is never an option. Think about the ones that you leave behind. Stay strong brother.

Avatar image for galiant
#21 Posted by Galiant (2232 posts) -

@Hizang: I wish you all the best, and I hope you feel better soon. You know I don't often enjoy your forum topics, but I'd rather have a billion nonsensical topics by you every day in these forums than having no Hizang at all.

Avatar image for darthorange
#22 Posted by DarthOrange (4173 posts) -

Remember you always have this community to talk to if you need it duder.  The forums wouldn't be the same without you. Stay strong and keep on keeping on. GLHB.

Avatar image for nekusakuraba
#23 Posted by NekuSakuraba (7807 posts) -

Hey man, stay strong. Good on you for seeing a doctor, I'd imagine it would be really tough to do. Get better soon!

Avatar image for supamon
#24 Posted by supamon (1339 posts) -

Take it easy and stay strong Hizang. I've never owned a dog but if you want to talk to somebody you can PM me.

Avatar image for aquablak
#25 Posted by Aquablak (262 posts) -

I know how hard anxiety disorders can be, man, and I wish you the very best. Just hang in there, and keep seeking help; you'll find the right fit for you, and you'll get over the hump. It's a long road, so just know and prepare yourself for that going in. Most importantly, you're worth the fight!

Plenty of awesome, supportive people on these boards, so take people up on their offers if you need a boost. May not be experts, but it's from people that care, and that goes a long way.

Avatar image for canteu
#26 Edited by Canteu (2968 posts) -

@Hizang: I am glad you are still alive.

Don't be sad Hizang. We love you anyway.

Don't keep away from the forums either. We're more impartial than the people on facebook as we don't know you personally, but you're a part of the community so you should hold onto that.

And don't forget the old adage "once you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up."

Avatar image for thefreeman
#27 Posted by TheFreeMan (2712 posts) -
Avatar image for kseoul
#28 Posted by kseoul (2998 posts) -

@Hizang: Hang in there Hizang! You bring too much personality and obscurity to these forums and we don't want to lose you! It's always darkest before dawn and once the medicine kicks in life will return to normal. I know it can suck to know that medicine is what "cures" you, but know that you take it out of an obligation to your health and no other reason!

Stand strong, duder.

Avatar image for gunslingerpanda
#29 Posted by GunslingerPanda (5120 posts) -

Without going too deep in to my own personal experience: Avoid the fuck out of alcohol! For some reason that makes depression way worse. I stopped drinking for maybe ten months and felt fine, one drunken night later and I was randomly a mess again with no idea why. I'm no scientist but I guess it messes with your brainy chemicals or some shit?

Also, don't kill yourself. xoxox

Avatar image for living4theday258
#30 Posted by living4theday258 (694 posts) -

People who would abandon you like that aren't worth your time. hope you get back to feeling better soon.

Avatar image for officegamer
#31 Posted by OfficeGamer (1120 posts) -

Not trying to be a dick but there are children in Syria right now who are sleeping inside plastic tents while snow lands on their heads and the dirt floods sweep the ground beneath them.

You should probably think of all the blessings you have, that alone will drive your spirits up.

Avatar image for lordxavierbritish
#32 Posted by LordXavierBritish (6651 posts) -

Here allow me to change your life.

Loading Video...
Avatar image for baillie
#33 Posted by Baillie (4690 posts) -

BY GOD THE ROCK, THE ROCK IS HERE. HE JUST HIT HIZANG WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM!!!!! COLLUSION

Avatar image for fallen189
#34 Posted by Fallen189 (5453 posts) -

Be careful with AD medication. It can make you worse than when you started.

Avatar image for herbiebug
#35 Edited by HerbieBug (4228 posts) -

Hope the meds help. They can take longer than a week to kick in. You won't know for sure exactly how beneficial the particular med you are on will be until 4 weeks have passed. It is just the nature of selective-reuptake inhibitors. For the first couple weeks your main job is to pay attention to side effects. If they are minimal, that is a good sign. I am sure your doctor has warned you about this, but please do not hesitate to go right back in to his/her office if you feel any increase in your depression or anxiety. If the suicidal ideation kicks in again, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY.

I have had a lot of difficulty with mental illness myself. I have Asperger's syndrome, OCD, and Dysthymia. You are most welcome to PM me any time if you have questions about meds and therapy.

Take care, okay? Be safe.

Avatar image for herbiebug
#36 Posted by HerbieBug (4228 posts) -

@McGhee said:

Cute kitties always make things better.


This gif is the best. :D

Avatar image for grantheaslip
#37 Posted by GrantHeaslip (1869 posts) -

@Fallen189 said:

Be careful with AD medication. It can make you worse than when you started.

I would also say to be just as careful with anti-drug and anti-psychiatrist stuff. This isn't targeted at Fallen189 or anyone else here, and I'm not claiming anti-depressants are perfect, but if your doctor tells you to do one thing and some alternative medicine blog tells you to do another, do what the doctor says. There's a lot of weird depression theories out there, and believing in them indiscriminately could really get you into trouble.

Avatar image for slag
#38 Posted by Slag (6824 posts) -

Good luck man. Anxiety is no joke, your doctor is right about what it can do.

It ain't easy but you can get through this. Hang in there.

Avatar image for fallen189
#39 Posted by Fallen189 (5453 posts) -

@GrantHeaslip said:

@Fallen189 said:

Be careful with AD medication. It can make you worse than when you started.

I would also say to be just as careful with anti-drug and anti-psychiatrist stuff. This isn't targeted at Fallen189 or anyone else here, and I'm not claiming anti-depressants are perfect, but if your doctor tells you to do one thing and some alternative medicine blog tells you to do another, do what the doctor says. There's a lot of weird depression theories out there, and believing in them indiscriminately could really get you into trouble.

Yeah word to that statement. Mine was coming from a past experience where I got addicted to AD stuff and had a hard time coming off them, but naturally, Hizangs mileage may vary

Avatar image for cabrit_sans_cor
#40 Posted by cabrit_sans_cor (161 posts) -

You're an awesome person.

Even if sometimes, it doesn't feel that way.

Avatar image for tearhead
#41 Posted by Tearhead (2426 posts) -

@OfficeGamer said:

Not trying to be a dick but there are children in Syria right now who are sleeping inside plastic tents while snow lands on their heads and the dirt floods sweep the ground beneath them.

You should probably think of all the blessings you have, that alone will drive your spirits up.

You have failed at not being a dick. It's not that easy to change how a person perceives their existence, and you are not helping by comparing his very serious issues with something completely different. Telling him to basically just think happy thoughts is like telling a cripple to just put one foot in front of the other to walk.

Hizang, I truly wish you all the best, and please keep trying to get better even though it's harder than I can know. I have someone close to me who is in a similar situation, and my world fucking crumbled when I got the call that they were in the hospital for trying to take their own life.

Avatar image for toowalrus
#42 Posted by TooWalrus (13380 posts) -

I...

Avatar image for jrinswand
#43 Posted by Jrinswand (1745 posts) -

You should get a cat (or three). Trust me, you'll feel better.

Avatar image for colourful_hippie
#44 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (5436 posts) -

The worst is definitely gone now and you proven to yourself how strong you really are by talking yourself out of suicide again without the aid of others. I can see where your friends are coming from but leaving you at this moment was a pretty stupid, shitty thing to do. The anxiety makes sense though, you just got hit by a lot in a small period of time which can just be so overwhelming to a lot of people. That will fade as time goes on.

Avatar image for dungbootle
#45 Posted by dungbootle (2502 posts) -

Hang in there, man. Been worried about you honestly, it's a shock to hear about what happened, but I'm glad you're getting proper aid now. Just don't do anything drastic anymore.

Avatar image for jeust
#46 Edited by Jeust (11739 posts) -

Yeah! Good luck with life. I suggest you some alternative therapies too, like meditation. It would do you good to try. 
 
 Here is a lecture about meditation...

Avatar image for thesoutherndandy
#47 Posted by TheSouthernDandy (4090 posts) -

Glad you're still hangin in there duder. Medication sounds like it might be the thing for you, don't feel bad about it, it doesn't mean you're crazy or anything. It's the same as any physical illness, there's something biologically a little off and no amount of positive thinking will fix it. Combining the two is the best idea. Hope things start lookin up.

Avatar image for mrfizzy
#48 Posted by mrfizzy (1659 posts) -

Good job getting help. Get well soon.

Avatar image for s0ndor
#49 Posted by S0ndor (2717 posts) -

Sounds like you weren't seriously trying to kill yourself. More like one of those "outcry for help" kind of deals. Get better, and then make some polls about urinating habbits.

Avatar image for theht
#50 Posted by TheHT (13852 posts) -

Those weren't your friends. Never were.