24 years old, second year student.
My life (school, work, family) is great, I'm thankful everyday for basically having a guaranteed life. I have a set of skills and a personality that I know will get me a great career. I'm head-strong and I don't lose sleep over what I'm about to describe. My life is going according to plan. I fix all of my problems. Except for one.
is that I'm a complete alien when it comes to sustaining human relationships. I'm great at making friends, I'm funny, knowledgeable, opinionated, and rather handsome. But after I make these friends, I drift out of their lives just as I drifted in. Instead of COLLECTING my life's experiences and acquaintances into a ladder that promotes and elevates me socially into a more experienced young man every day, with friendships growing stronger, I enjoy these brief experiences separately until they fade away, and then I wonder where the fuck they went.
I describe myself with one word: Reset. I had so many points in life where I was surrounded with good people, had great weed sessions, went to Budapest with over 30 colleagues, etc... But after each one of those points, I reset myself into a lonely student studying. Time and time again.
my inability to differentiate between being perceived as overly attached/nagging/imposing, and simply being friends with people, calling them and joking with them. Therefore I always end up being an indifferent stranger who does not keep in touch. In fear of exposing the contents of my heart and being seen as overly-open or too imposing or overly-attached, I become an acquaintance that your relationship with does not go
My perception of the 'social cool' and 'social image' is just so off and so exaggerated that I end up behaving in the way that makes me look like I'm not interested in anything other than mere small talk. Problem is, when I DO pass the small talk barrier, I get into weird zones of conversation and turn people off. I dunno how to walk the line between the two. I don't expose my weaknesses because I can't tell which weaknesses are OK and make me humane, and which weaknesses are "too much information" and will make you consider me a bitch.
. The fact that I have a clean trauma-free past makes me an alien within people most of whom have had scars they're hiding. The fact that I have literally zero insecurities makes people dislike me, as if I'm hiding something or wearing a fake smile hiding evil inside. I'm the movie character who has nothing to lose and nothing to hide - you dig up dirt on him and you find nothing. This makes me suspicious and un-relatable. I'm so sterile and clean-cut and transparent that people find me extremely uninteresting.
If people were adventurous quad-bike riders who wake up every day to conquer crazy terrain (meeting other exciting people) and live to tell these stories, I am a completely straight and clean highway, my asphalt is sturdy and my lines are clear, there's no thrill here for you, you just drive forward.
I no longer want to go out and try to make friends because I don't need more former-brief-friends whom I only smile and nod at today - they're multiplying like rabbits. I need someone to talk to..
If you read this, I thank you. If not, I understand.