I saw a man push his girlfriend yesterday

... and I can't stop thinking about it. Not just from seeing the act itself, but because I feel I should have done more.

I was at the Arizona Cardinals game yesterday, and before the game my group and I were sitting outside the stadium at some tables, watching the morning football games. My friends leave to go to the bathroom before we go inside, and I see a young woman around my age (early to mid-twenties) yelling with her boyfriend while walking. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but she then grabbed and tossed his sunglasses on the ground, and he threw her to the ground for it. Hard. And she started crying.

I was sitting by myself and might have been the only person who saw the whole thing. I didn't know what to do. Not too long after, some people come up to her to make sure she's ok, but they clearly didn't see the abuse and don't confront the boyfriend who walked a bit away and had his hands on his head, clearly regretting what he did. But he still did it. She said she was fine and got up, still sobbing. She briskly walked to my table and through tears asked if she could sit there. I said "of course. Are you ok?" and she shook her head yes. 10 seconds after she sits down my group of friends came walking back up, motioned to go inside to the game and I left with them.

I told my friends about the situation while we were walking to our seats, and they all tried to convince me there wasn't much more I could have done other than asking if she was okay. But I feel terrible about it all, even 24 hours later. I should have done more. I feel I should have gotten up and confronted her boyfriend. I feel I should have helped her up, and asked if she was ok when she was alone crying on the ground. I feel I should have stuck around with her at the table. I feel I should gotten her out of the situation somehow, and made sure she was okay and not just leaving her alone at the table. I should have done more.

It feels good to get this off my chest since it really disturbed me. Next time I won't just stand by and let those things happen to a poor young woman. But that's if there is a next time. Why didn't I do that this time?

I should have done more.

UPDATE: To those saying it could have resulted in a violence, he could have been carrying a weapon, etc., we were just outside the stadium and past security. He would have somehow been able to sneak a weapon into the stadium past metal detectors. Also, by "confronting" I simply mean helping her up and telling her boyfriend that his actions weren't okay. Not yelling or getting in his face or anything, but you never know how that can turn out.

I mean possibly you should have said something. I would have I think but honestly you shouldn't beat yourself up. You're taking it upon yourself to right the wrongs of people's lives you aren't even involved in, which is definitely not a pressure you should feel. That kind of situation can get messy.

If by doing more by confronting the boyfriend, you mean call the cops/get security? That's up to you.

But, I wouldn't confront the guy. If he'll abuse someone who's close to him, what'll he do to a total stranger? Beating the crap out of him won't change his ways.

I tried to find the story, but was unable to, but some guy ended up getting knifed trying to white knight at a club not too long ago.

Don't beat yourself up over it, duder. Confronting the boyfriend was a bad idea, and it's good that you avoided it. Could you have been more comforting or helpful? Maybe. But whatever you would've done probably wouldn't have saved this girl from a potentially chronically abusive relationship.

Seeing something like that is shocking and paralyzing. It's a learning experience. Next time you'll be better.

He didn't need to lay a hand on her. She also didn't need to take his sunglasses and throw them on the ground. They both shouldn't be getting physical towards eachother when upset.

What would confronting her boyfriend have given you other than a quick ticket to a fight? You don't know what they were arguing over, nor do you know what their lives are like in general. Your friends are spot on, there really isn't much more you can do without forcing yourself into the situation. And if the situation is really dire, you're better off calling the police to come deal with everything properly.

You just learned an important lesson in life, that no one knows how they'll react in a crisis until they are smack in the middle of one. It's something you always hear people say, "well if it were me I'd have jumped up and caught her before she hit the ground while simaultaneously kicking the guy in the face!" It's easy to say you'd be a superhero, much harder to actually be one. Because here's the thing, noone can be prepared for a situation they've never experienced before. Even police officers miss in live shooter scenarios after years of target practice. Adrenaline does weird things to us, and practice doesnt hold a candle to game day. So yeah, feel shitty you're not superman. You fucked up, you let one slip. Everyone does. But that's the past and no matter how much you may want to, you simply can't change it. The only thing you can do now is be ready for the next one.

I think the fact that you're thinking about it says a lot about your character. You're fine. If you're still concerned, you could consider calling the stadium security office and giving them your story. For all we know, somebody reported a hurt woman, but didn't have the details you did.

Stop beating yourself up over it man. While abuse is never really excusable, you don't know their story. You don't know them. What could you have even done? Called the cops? Socked him in the face? That would not have solved anything.

What you did was what you should have done. Gave her some comfort, and moved on. It's not your battle.

Interesting question: if the girlfriend pushed him in the same manner...would you be thinking the same thing? Either way, the best thing to do no matter what is report it to security. If you call the cops they will likely tell you the same thing. Don't get physically involved.

They're both in the wrong and you should not have gotten involved.

What if that guy pulled a gun on you? You never know when its the right time to step in or not. Look at those Americans who stopped a potential train massacre, what were they thinking at that time? I wonder If I would brave as they were.

But is it worth getting killed over a domestic dispute? I don't think so. But I will tell you this, I admire your courage to come to this forum and bring up this discussion for all of us. Thank You.

What would Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson have done in that situation? Pretty sure we both know, but you're not Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, so you did what you did and now you know what kind of man you are. A life lesson if nothing else.

If he was sobbing about it and shit, probably.

Don't get involved beyond contacting security.

I dont know what people in this thread are talking about, yeah you should have done more, take this experience with you and then next time you can handle the situation better.

Attempting to break up domestic abuse as a stranger is almost entirely futile and it will backfire. You might think that you're being chivalrous and helpful by jumping head-first into a domestic dispute but you don't actually know the people involved and what their circumstances are. You're not a cop, a medical professional, a family member or even a friend - you have no investment or knowledge about the relationship. You'd gain nothing from confronting the guy (apart from making you feel better about yourself) and you'd probably land the victim (the girl, in this case) in deep shit for the foreseeable future. I think backing off is absolutely the correct thing to do, and you should feel better about yourself for not escalating the tension.

More often than not, violence in a relationship is a result of years of childhood neglect/abuse. Not something you can fix with 3 minutes of getting yelled at by somebody you've never seen before. These people are adults and they make their own decisions, and you as a bystander shouldn't feel bad for their bad choices. I think your wording of "poor young woman" conveys that you may see yourself as a protector of females. They don't need your rescuing. I think the correct term for that is "white knight".

Women in highly abusive relationships generally don't violently break the property of their boyfriend or husband. They're usually meek and afraid. Men who are abusing don't generally instantly regret their actions. Many say they're sorry when confronted after the fact, but it's not often a conclusion they reach immediately on their own. Both of those are good signs.

It's a good thing that you care enough to be wondering what you should have done differently, if anything. I know I'd be feeling the same way, but you have to let it go, and just hope and pray for the best for those people.

But one person was clearly more wrong than the other.

To OP, anything beyond talking to her or contacting security is beyond your proper level of involvement. You shouldn't drive yourself nutty over this sort of thing. If you choose to contact the authorities the next time you see physical violence, then I think that's fine. Take this experience and grow from it. But I don't think it's healthy to take this entire problem upon yourself. It isn't helpful for you or anyone else.

Anything you could have done would likely have just made the situation way worse and maybe only have made you feel better in hindsight.

Like that dude seems like a real asshole but it isn't on you to jump in and put yourself in the middle of a couple fighting. If somebody calls for help or the situation is very clearly getting seriously out of hand then you do something, but maybe don't necessarily assume that you need to jump in and be the knight coming to the rescue.

Agreed.

I'm more concerned about the people answering in this thread advicing passivity. That's alarming to me.

You're afraid to escalate the situation.

Your answer is to remain passive. I bet you're those people who choose to film violence with your smartphone instead of reassuring the safety of another human being.

You can't control or affect what goes on prior or after, but you can help as it happens and possibly prevent more damage. You don't sit around waiting for more violence, a second push, a kick etc to happen before deciding its okay to say something. This happened in a public place.

If I (I'm a guy) was the one on the ground crying in pain, I would want someone - yes even a stranger - to offer help if only to let the aggressor know he stepped over the line. If nobody does anything, that's the same as acceptance. Acceptance of public violence. Call it "white knighting" to run up and help someone if you want to make it seem like the pathetic thing to do. I think it is the only human thing to do.

You had people around you who all did nothing to help you - how would that feel?

You all scare me. Are you mainly American or European? I want to understand your values. Is your own health your only concern? Do you feel qualified enough on a stranger's situation to judge whether or not to step in? This is a matter of instinct. This is a matter of right and wrong in the now, it is a heat of the moment call you're making. Violence is wrong. No matter the degree of severity. There should be an absolute no-tolerance for violence against men, women, children.

I wouldn't confront him. You could do other things, but no confrontation.

A guy got stabbed to death couple of months ago around where I live because he did just that- interrupted a quarrel between a girl and her boyfriend.

Yeah you should have done more.

Those are weird situations. You shouldn't dwell on it too much. We especially tend to get ideas after the fact and make up unlikely solutions with unlikely resolutions. The most you could've reasonably done was maybe stay with her for a bit, maybe get a feel for the situation. Confronting the guy was either going to lead to nothing, with him dismissing you, perhaps rightfully, as a stranger or it was going to escalate things and lead to a fight, which would probably turn him more violent and resentful towards his girlfriend. We'd all like to think we could "save the day" and help out, but not knowing anything about the circumstances other than what you just witnessed usually makes you a poor judge of the proper action to take.

In retrospect we all can think of things to do, but it is hard that second. Hours later, I would have though I should have loaned her my phone to make a call to a friend or family member. No record on her phone but she could have contacted someone safe. But, again like I said, hindsight is 20/20 when you can think of all the thing you COULD do with a cool head.

Something similar happened to me a few months ago. I was walking towards my girlfriend's house when I saw a young couple arguing. Well, rather, the guy (who was 17 or 18 at most) was shouting like mad at her, and throwing punches in the air. I don't think he wanted to actually punch her, because he could have hit her if he wanted, but, still, he was being very loud and threatening. I decided not to get physically involved, since 1. I would be putting myself in danger and 2. I would be putting the girl in even more danger.

I continued walking up some stairs (since I live in a town which, much like San Francisco, has a shitload of hills). When I reached the top, I called the police while I monitored the situation. He didn't hit her, but he took her phone and left before the police finally arrived. They asked me what had happened, I told them, and they went to see how the girl was doing. Once I saw she was being taken care of, I left.

If the guy had punched her (or something worse) I would have tried to intervene to break the fight. But since no actual physical violence was involved, getting between them would have only escalated the situation, which in turn would have made physical violence even more likely. Besides, I don't know if the guy was carrying some weapon or something. I punch I can deal with. A blade, not so much.

Some people fight, some people fly. It's just one of the many catch-22s in life.

Bingo! If the guy walked away, then sure go over and check on the girl. If not, grab someone from security and deal with the problem as a group. Confronting someone who is already angry/distressed/regretful is a gamble. You, the guy, or the girl could have been injured even further. Still, you can't change the past, and next time you won't be in the same situation where you'll be too shocked to help. You didn't do anything wrong.

Very well said.

The only thing that could have been done is calling the cops. And honestly considering what happened by the time they arrived nothing could have been done anyways. I've seen a ton of guys who have stepped into similar situations only to have both the guy and girl turn on him and beat the shit out of him. Sorry but I think sticking your nose into other peoples business is a bad bad idea.

This point would probably come across better without you having made these overly extreme implications. American or European? Assuming people are awful violence voyeurs?

I was taught to mind my own business, and I always have. You will seriously regret getting involved in crap that doesn't concern you. Shit like that happens to millions everyday, just ignore it and go about your life. There's truly nothing you can do, even if you think otherwise.

What more could he have done that would have honestly done anything to help the situation?

He calls security, the guy gets booted out of the stadium. He calls the cops, the guy gets a warning. He confronts the guy himself, the guy reacts hostilely and more violence erupts. Read the op, right after he pushed the girl he had the kind of "Oh fuck what did I just do" kind of reaction. Not saying he wouldn't have hit her again that night but think about it, they'll see each other again. The abuse isn't going to stop because you were able to separate them for a few hours at most. You don't know these people, or what they were fighting over. Ask any cop ever and they'll tell you the same thing. Don't stick your nose in personal quarrels that aren't yours.

@turtlebird95: You must be a European!

(jk I agree with you. If he is hitting the woman when after he shoves her now we can talk differently about what we do.)

I meant verbally confront to make sure he knew someone saw and it wasn't okay, even though he acted like he knew he made a big mistake. No yelling or getting in his face, but I understand where you all are coming from.

Asking if she wants to make a phone call is a great idea but I wouldn't have thought of that until now. But I probably should just quit dwelling on it and move on. At least now I know how I feel I should act in the situation should it happen in front of me again.

Some people have said it here already, but getting involved isn't always the best thing to do.

I had a buddy at university (College to you Americans) and he was out one night when he saw some guy giving his girlfriend hell in the middle of the street. He went and got involved and not only did he get punched for his trouble, the girl herself told him to stay out of it.

It's normal to want to have done more. I think many people can relate to seeing something bad unfolding and wishing they had done or could've done more, but try not to beat yourself up about it.

You never know what sort of armament a person has at their disposal at any given time. In that situation I think I would have tried to suss out how serious the threat was to the victim and if immediate action was needed. If the threat wasn't lethal I'd follow the person and call 9-1-1 or find security. But it's a weird situation and any decision could have been second guessed so don't feel bad dude.

Clearly you should have shot the man dead and then scolded the woman.

Agreed. If it had continued to escalate after the push, then you kind of have to step in. But as is, not much you can do in a situation like that. Who knows, confronting the boyfriend may have just made the situation worse for all involved. If it makes you feel better, most people would have done the exact same thing in your situation.

(also, side note, there are some weirdly political answers in this thread, it feels like this is about to take a turn)

From your description I would simply say: there was nothing you could've done. If this was a case of a boyfriend beating up his girlfriend and you watching by without intervening, a case could be made about you having had to do something. However, you were just a witness of a singular event.

I don't think confronting the boyfriend would do much. From your description it sounds like he regretted it and maybe wanted to give her a weaker shove (which, of course, doesn't excuse anything, and just comes to show how even 'light pushing' is an unexcusable reaction to an argument), it's also not like she was without fault either.

The clear course of action would have been to quickly find the gift shop, buy the dude a new pair of glasses, and smash them on the ground as he appreciatively reached out for them. Then get the girl a hot dog with a topping of her choice.

The fact that no one else in this thread would be willing to do this is frankly disgusting. You all scare me. I mean, where are you even from... Canada?!?

Really though, not intervening when someone is actively hurting another, you might just be a bad person (or at least a person who is held back by understandable fear). Not imposing yourself in a situation you know nothing about after something bad happened... probably the best move for all involved.

Do not beat yourself up about things you didn't do; instead resolve yourself to do things differently in the future. That doesn't mean mean confrontation or violence, necessarily; even staying with her for a slightly longer period of time at that table or offering her a phone call might have been all you needed to clear your conscience.

Also keep in mind that unsatisfying outcomes are sometimes the most positive ones. Escalating the situation in any way may have made things worse, as others have noted. It's different if you see someone absolutely wailing on someone else, but in this case, with an event that was over as quick as it began, no action may have been the best action.

While in this particular situation there wasn't much that you could do as there was only a singular event, this thread reeks of the bystander effect.

What more could you have done? I mean, I don't want to be rude but you're not the woman's Knight in shining armour. It sounds like you did what you could, and I'm not sure how you'd figure you could get her out of that situation beyond what was already done. The guy backed off and you already said security was around.

That said I have been in a sort of similar situation, nothing too physical, but it made my temper flare to see the way this guy was acting toward his girlfriend (who wasn't acting great either) but here was an implied sort of physical control this guy was having over this woman, however I decided unless it was clear that physical violence was a thing I'd leave it, there were too many unknowns and when I am mad I don't always trust myself to make the right decisions, would me escalating help the situation? I doubt it.

One time I found myself in a situation similar to this because of my job. Because I'm security I had to get involved, and narrowly avoided a fist fight because of it. Neither of them were happy that I poked my nose into their business, and I didn't even really have the satisfaction of knowing I did the right thing. Because there is no right thing to do in that situation. Hopefully what happened makes them realize how immature they are and they recognize the fact that they need to grow up or get away from each other.

They both sound like horrible people, or at least emotionally out of control and a bad fit. Don't give it a second thought, I thought you acted just right. You definitely shouldn't confront the boyfriend, he seemed to be emotionally out of touch or just a straight up asshole. Though I would be fucking angry too if someone threw a possession of mine and if I was in a bad place emotionally I might get physical too, who knows.

Honestly? I'd rather get my shit wrecked and feel good about myself after than not do anything at all. if someone is going to get abused again later, why let it happen any more than it has to? Maybe that person who you stood up for will see that there are better people than the ones who they choose to spend their time with. Or maybe it doesn't change anything at all. But that doesn't mean it's a better idea to let it happen.

A few months ago a few friends and I were walking through a plaza late at night when we heard a couple in the car. At first it was just playful, "no stop, not here, wait till we get home" silliness, but her voice started to get more and more scared, and then I heard some flailing. Before it could go too far, I knocked on the window and asked her if she was okay, and then my friends and I got coffee at the shop and sat where they could see us in the window. Eventually, a few more cars pulled in the plaza, I let the workers know about what had happened, and I left.

Was it the first time that had happened? Probably not. Did it stop forever? I doubt it. But did she deserve to have that happen, especially when it could have been prevented? Terrible, awful, disgusting shit happens every single day to people around us. We can't always stop that kind of thing, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to give a shit about it.

@the_nubster: As has been said, it sounds like the altercation was over and done with in a flash. If the guy was or had clear intent to start beating on her, that might be a different story.