Posted by Colourful_Hippie (4424 posts) -

Now I don't think that it's full blown depression or whatever but these are some of the things I've noticed about myself over the past month

  • My interest in things that I normally have great interest in have decreased a good amount. I noticed recently I do a good job of buying games but not finishing them, even the ones that I find engaging like GTA V and more recently Pokemon which has been a personal surprise for me because I normally would have finished the new Pokemon game by now. Some would say that my interest in games just shifted at the moment but I noticed that new seasons of shows I like are up on Netflix yet I mostly tell myself that I'll watch them soon and never do.
  • I noticed that I'm having to "act" happy a lot more than just being happy when around friends and/or going out to places.
  • I'm becoming a bit more distant with my parents and closer friends.
  • I used to be able to stay up extremely late but I've been going to sleep earlier more often and I also sleep in longer than normal because I feel like there isn't much reason to get up other than to eat and do assignments that need doing.
  • As someone who enjoys in some of the activities surrounding marijuana, I noticed that my own consumption habits have dwindled to the point that I'm losing the appeal of it which was what made me start questioning my recent behavior changes, but I guess I can scratch substance abuse off the list?
  • And well I guess I just noticed that my general mood has mostly been low to ok. I think my summer break was the last time I remember having a moment of genuine happiness.

On the bright side though my academics are still ok. I'm on track to making Dean's List again this semester so I guess that's something and that at least tells me that I'm not completely falling apart.

I won't go into details as to why these changes happened because I'm not exactly looking for armchair psychologists, I mainly wrote this up for the sake of condensing my thoughts into one thing.

#1 Posted by ArtelinaRose (1856 posts) -

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

#2 Posted by JasonR86 (9746 posts) -

@colourful_hippie:

You may not want armchair psychologists but you're going to get them. And now it's my turn!

You could certainly be going through a depressive episode. It might be a singular, isolated episode. The difference between normal sadness and a depressive episode is the number of symptoms and whether or not they've been consistent over two weeks or more. The other thing is that you might be dysthymia (which is like a depressive episode but needs fewer symptoms to meet criteria). Though you're doing good in school, an assessor would say that it is interfering with your life via your relationships.

But besides all the labels and shit if you feel like it's an issue that you need help with then I hope you go to talk to someone. From my point of view labels are just barely important. So I hope you don't get too hung up on whether what you're feeling is a, b, or c. Because in my work that's like of 25% value of the whole for me.

#3 Posted by BeachThunder (12118 posts) -

That sounds like some depression-ass depression. Good on you for being so open about it. Seeing a psychiatrist could help (but as long as they're a good psychiatrist!)

Online
#4 Edited by Nev (556 posts) -

Me too, buddy. It sucks. I wish you luck with dealing with it! In my case I just keep trying to play something and failing to get into anything, until *finally* something clicks and distracts me for a bit.

#5 Posted by jArmAhead (341 posts) -

I hope this doesn't come off as me being a dick, but that sounds like a very minor depression at worst. If you can say your mood is anything to okay, it's probably not all that serious. Possibly a small chemical imbalance, or just a slow time in your life. It happens to us all duder.

Cheer up! Things will pick up. Hopefully soon!

#6 Posted by Levio (1784 posts) -

My recommendation: Spend all your money on lottery tickets. When you win, your happiness will lift you out of depression!

#7 Posted by ArtelinaRose (1856 posts) -

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

#8 Edited by dannyodwyer (365 posts) -

Talk to people about it. Friends or family, or go to a doctor. Best thing I ever did was get treatment from a phycologist. They arm you with the tools to combat it whenever it comes back. Because it usually does.

#9 Posted by joshwent (2301 posts) -

  • As someone who enjoys in some of the activities surrounding marijuana, I noticed that my own consumption habits have dwindled to the point that I'm losing the appeal of it which was what made me start questioning my recent behavior changes, but I guess I can scratch substance abuse off the list?

If you smoke pot regularly, your body builds up a tolerance so that the chemicals released in your brain that give you part of the high are reduced. You'll have to smoke gradually more and more to get the same physical results. Which is bad, health wise, and of course, money wise to boot. If you can, lay off the weed for a few weeks, and your brain will get back to normal.

Aside from that, get equipped with... depression! Sounds like you sure got some symptoms. Like others have said, see a shrink. Always a good idea, even if you're feeling totally normal. An outside (professional) perspective on your thoughts and actions can really work wonders.

@artelinarose said:

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

Or... you can just be like Rose and give yourself a nice ego boost by complimenting your own comments. ;)

#10 Edited by ArtelinaRose (1856 posts) -

@joshwent said:

@artelinarose said:

@artelinarose said:

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

Or... you can just be like Rose and give yourself a nice ego boost by complimenting your own comments. ;)

Somebody's gotta love me ;_;

#11 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4424 posts) -
@jasonr86 said:

@colourful_hippie:

You may not want armchair psychologists but you're going to get them. And now it's my turn!

You could certainly be going through a depressive episode. It might be a singular, isolated episode. The difference between normal sadness and a depressive episode is the number of symptoms and whether or not they've been consistent over two weeks or more. The other thing is that you might be dysthymia (which is like a depressive episode but needs fewer symptoms to meet criteria). Though you're doing good in school, an assessor would say that it is interfering with your life via your relationships.

But besides all the labels and shit if you feel like it's an issue that you need help with then I hope you go to talk to someone. From my point of view labels are just barely important. So I hope you don't get too hung up on whether what you're feeling is a, b, or c. Because in my work that's like of 25% value of the whole for me.

Those things I listed are the ones that stood out to me for lasting for a month or so, other things I noticed in the DSM description would have applied to me but they didn't last long enough to be much of a consideration. I'm also not a fan of labels because of the potential negatives of being labeled, I only used the manual as a quick reference.

@jarmahead said:

I hope this doesn't come off as me being a dick, but that sounds like a very minor depression at worst. If you can say your mood is anything to okay, it's probably not all that serious. Possibly a small chemical imbalance, or just a slow time in your life. It happens to us all duder.

Cheer up! Things will pick up. Hopefully soon!

I guess saying "ok" is misleading, I mostly mean "meh" as in "good enough".

@dannyodwyer said:

Talk to people about it. Friends or family, or go to a doctor. Best thing I ever did was get treatment from a phycologist. They arm you with the tools to combat it whenever it comes back. Because it usually does.

I've started to talk a bit about it with some of my close friends recently but I'm the kind of person who doesn't like involving outside help because I prefer doing shit myself. Being a psychology major has also helped me greatly with introspection and understanding myself in general.

I honestly don't think I would seek professional help unless my situation got to the point where I do start to falter in academia and other things in my life but that's because of how I tend to deal with issues in general though

@joshwent said:
@colourful_hippie said:
  • As someone who enjoys in some of the activities surrounding marijuana, I noticed that my own consumption habits have dwindled to the point that I'm losing the appeal of it which was what made me start questioning my recent behavior changes, but I guess I can scratch substance abuse off the list?

If you smoke pot regularly, your body builds up a tolerance so that the chemicals released in your brain that give you part of the high are reduced. You'll have to smoke gradually more and more to get the same physical results. Which is bad, health wise, and of course, money wise to boot. If you can, lay off the weed for a few weeks, and your brain will get back to normal.

Aside from that, get equipped with... depression! Sounds like you sure got some symptoms. Like others have said, see a shrink. Always a good idea, even if you're feeling totally normal. An outside (professional) perspective on your thoughts and actions can really work wonders.

I'm well aware of what tolerance is. When I say that my consumption has dropped due to decreased appeal, I don't mean because of tolerance (which if it was, then my consumption should be increasing, not decreasing)

The diminished effects aren't the cause of my decrease in interest because that would just be fixed by smoking more. I just notice that when I'm sober and would normally be presented with a moment to smoke I instead think "what's the point?"

There are also social factors tied with that to consider but they are tied with me not wanting to be around people as much as I used to.

#12 Posted by Rick_Fingers (523 posts) -

@artelinarose: oh come on, don't be like that.

Sure, I don't know you except for seeing you post on here, and every rose has it's thorns (boom!), but everything I have seen from you (including in this thread) has been smart, compassionate, and sometimes humourous.

You must be doing something right :)

To the OP: you do sound depressed. You need to talk to someone about it, whoever that someone might be. Don't let yourself be alone in this. You don't have to be.

#13 Posted by Elyhaym (229 posts) -

As others have mentioned, talk to people about it. Be it close friends or family and if that doesn't help then I'd strongly recommend seeing a doctor about it. I, myself, have been diagnosed with a mild depression a few days ago after spending a year or two hoping it'd go away by itself. It doesn't and the sooner you talk to people about it, the sooner you can find a solution for it.

#14 Edited by Drekly (164 posts) -

You sound like you're in the exact same situation as someone I know. So I'll tell you her story and maybe you can work something out.

Something bad happened to her, something that put a roadblock on her normal life. From then she became a bit of a shut-in, she has friends, but she wants them to come to her, rather than actively seek time with them. She is constantly worried about what other people think of her, and acts happy because I think she thinks its the 'right' thing to do. She smokes a lot of weed, and sobriety is her biggest fear. She would sleep a lot to pass the day away, and spend her evenings feeling low (usually in the evenings it was far worse, but that's often how it is.)

So I've kinda had to kick her ass into gear, it's something that I think you probably need too. You don't WANT to be this way, nobody does, and you DO want to get better as soon as possible, but I swear once I started telling her she needed to fix it, she's been getting better and better.

First thing you need to do, which you've just done, is ADMIT that you're depressed. I went through depression a few years ago and it took me so long to admit that I was depressed. I was addicted to pain killers (they numbed the fuck out of me) and my friends and family would worry and say they thought I was depressed. "No, I'm fine, really", I'd say, and I actually thought I was 'above' being depressed, I felt like depressed people were 'weak' or something.

As for my friend, I told her that she needs to see a therapist after it eventually got to a point where self-harm was becoming a threat (I had to kick a bathroom door in to stop her).

Now, she's been in therapy for months now, and while she still feels low, I've noticed a remarkable difference. She's getting the medication she needs and I'm the happiest person to say she hasn't attempted anything dangerous for a long time.

She still smokes weed, but no alcohol, and I don't really consider smoking weed a huge issue, it seriously calms her and I'm totally cool with her escaping reality for a while providing she understands that reality IS reality.

Basically the short story is, DO NOT LET IT GO ON FOR TOO LONG. Tell someone, make sure they know everything, and make sure they help you and motivate you to get help. I've seen how bad depression can escalate.

#15 Posted by Humanity (9646 posts) -

@colourful_hippie: Identify if you are on the early road to depression if you're just going through a slump. Depression is a very serious debilitation that can critically affect your everyday life. Feeling a bit more down than usual isn't really depression, but then again I'm sure there is a lot more going on than you can articulate in a thread.

A lot of people say "go seek out help!" but I know from personal experience that this sort of help can be costly. There is also a sort of stigma attached with seeing a psychologist in that you're admitting that there is something wrong, that you can't handle something that many other people can. Don't let that sort of thinking stop you if you can otherwise see a professional and money isn't an issue. Once you open up to people about it you would be surprised how many others go through very similar episodes as you and simply don't tell anyone.

If you live by a very steady routine try to change that up first. If you stay in a lot, try going out. Don't go out alone though, make sure it's with other people as there is nothing worse than being down and moping about town on your own. If all regular methods fail, think about getting professional help, but until you think that your mood is seriously affecting how you live your life or even preventing you from doing so I'd suggest trying to find the cause of your distress on your own. That is not to say you should "tough it out" but just try to explore your life first and see where that takes you.

#16 Posted by Colourful_Hippie (4424 posts) -

@drekly said:

She smokes a lot of weed, and sobriety is her biggest fear. She would sleep a lot to pass the day away, and spend her evenings feeling low (usually in the evenings it was far worse, but that's often how it is.)

She still smokes weed, but no alcohol, and I don't really consider smoking weed a huge issue, it seriously calms her and I'm totally cool with her escaping reality for a while providing she understands that reality IS reality.

That stood out to me because that could also be tied to substance abuse. There was a moment where I saw the appeal in avoiding sobriety but when I had to be sober for a certain amount of time that made me get over that notion because I realized that sobriety isn't that bad and it doesn't matter if you're high or sober if you still feel kinda shitty anyways. Occasional smoking for stress relief isn't bad though just as long as it isn't used as a constant escape because that's a sign of a bigger problem.

#17 Posted by JayEH (535 posts) -

A lot of schools give free counseling so if you need to, go talk to them! Nothing's wrong with that.

#18 Edited by Everyones_A_Critic (6305 posts) -

I think the fact that you made dean's list and still feel this way is a major red flag, man. With depression it can feel like everything's fucked when in reality it's never been better and you have zero to complain about. For me, in those instances, it would often lead to guilt and further self loathing for being depressed in such seemingly good circumstances in the first place.

Either way bud, I hope you can find a way to cope with this. If you ever need to vent feel free to shoot me a PM.

This video has helped a lot of people.

#19 Posted by forkboy (1169 posts) -

Depression is shit man. Just a bad time all round. Personally, I've battled with it on & off for more than half my life & it hasn't beaten me yet, as much as it may try. But I found that trying to power through it on my own just didn't work. So when I noticed my mood falling during the summer I put it off & put it off until the suicidal thoughts started rocking back & finally went to visit the doctor. And it's definitely helping, slowly but surely. Medication isn't guaranteed to work, & even if it does it won't make you feel wonderful, but it's at the least worth trying, especially in conjunction with some form of talking therapy, or maybe something like CBT. But I'd definitely talk to your GP, it's what they are there before. Best to get to it before it does start hurting your studies or anything like that.

And as you are at school, & if visiting your GP could be cost-prohibitive (I dunno where you live) it may be worth talking to your school councillor who may be able to help, at least before visiting the doctor. But I do recommend trying to do something about it before it gets too oppressive & dark man, sometimes just going to see someone about it, that idea of taking action, can help you feel better just by itself.

#20 Edited by Canteu (2821 posts) -

Sure sounds like depression.

Take a couple months off weed then try again. It doesn't help depression since it's a downer, but it does help the high.

#21 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

@joshwent said:

@artelinarose said:

@artelinarose said:

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

Or... you can just be like Rose and give yourself a nice ego boost by complimenting your own comments. ;)

Somebody's gotta love me ;_;

I feel I could make things so much better and so much worse by saying I love you. Not sure how to handle it.

#22 Posted by ArtelinaRose (1856 posts) -

@artelinarose said:

@joshwent said:

@artelinarose said:

@artelinarose said:

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

Or... you can just be like Rose and give yourself a nice ego boost by complimenting your own comments. ;)

Somebody's gotta love me ;_;

I feel I could make things so much better and so much worse by saying I love you. Not sure how to handle it.

I'm not quite sure how to handle myself either!

#23 Edited by Humanity (9646 posts) -

@video_game_king said:

@artelinarose said:

@joshwent said:

@artelinarose said:

@artelinarose said:

Probably. And there's no shame in it, and definitely no shame in trying to find help. Don't be me.

That's really just some all around good advice. Don't be me.

Or... you can just be like Rose and give yourself a nice ego boost by complimenting your own comments. ;)

Somebody's gotta love me ;_;

I feel I could make things so much better and so much worse by saying I love you. Not sure how to handle it.

I'm not quite sure how to handle myself either!

Very carefully.

#24 Posted by Canteu (2821 posts) -
#25 Posted by ArbitraryWater (11934 posts) -

You should probably see a mental health professional. I did that and I'd say that medication and counseling have helped out pretty significantly... of course omitting the part where the meds I was on for 6 months screwed up my sleep cycles and probably caused me to bomb a few more classes than I probably should have.

#26 Edited by alwaysbebombing (1625 posts) -

@levio said:

My recommendation: Spend all your money on lottery tickets. When you win, your happiness will lift you out of depression!

That's what I do!

#27 Posted by zoozilla (981 posts) -

I would join in with the crowd of people telling you to talk about your issues with someone. If you have a nagging sense that you're not feeling as good as you should be feeling, you probably do have minor depression.

Sounds like you're in college - if you are, most colleges will have counseling/therapy centers where you can make an appointment to talk with a professional. I did, and now I'm going to a group therapy session in the school every week (for a different issue), and I think it's definitely helping me. I don't think it should cost anything - it doesn't for me - so take advantage of that if you can.

#28 Posted by DeadpanCakes (997 posts) -

Though I've never formally studied anything about it (I think I took a semester of psychology in high school a couple years back), I've had much exposure to severe depression. Enough to know I'm in no real position to provide specific advice for someone I've known less than a year, let alone a person with whom I'm not really all that acquainted. So I'll give some more broad advice:

  • As others have said, establishing a dependable support system is always helpful. Even if you find that you have nothing to say, or that talking doesn't make a noticeable difference for you, it's an option. And one of the shittiest things about depression is not feeling like you have options.
  • Keep a flexible perspective. This's probably one of the more abstract ideas that's even harder to practice than it is to understand for those suffering from depression (depression has a way of narrowing one's metacognitive abilities). It's like that scene in Donnie Darko where they hafta place events in life on a scale of fear to love. Sure, sometimes fear and love are the two main opposing ideas, but it's hardly ever that simple. Happiness and unhappiness are not the two only driving forces of depression, and it's not about accepting one or the other. It's kinda hard to articulate what I mean by this (again, I'm no expert), but basically, be very cognizant of how you approach aspects of your life. And know that, sometimes, allowing yourself to be sad is just as important as allowing yourself to be happy
  • Stay healthy. I'm not saying go jogging or work out often or anything- I'm talking simple things: showering, brushing, sleeping, eating. Many people who experience depression don't really hafta be reminded of this, but I'm putting this here just in case. 'Cause hey, if you're having a hard time becoming emotionally healthy, at least you're doing what you can to stay physically healthy, right? :D

I will reiterate that I don't really know much about the subject matter beyond firsthand experiences and whatnot, so... I guess, take what you can from my post (from the sounds of your post, you probably already knew all this stuff, but whatever, haha) I wish you luck with figuring all this stuff out, and once you figured it out, with finding ways to enjoy life again.

(Also, wow, that took, like, an hour for me to write...)

#29 Edited by Brackynews (4094 posts) -

Looks typical to me. If you feel like asking your doctor for some pills, I suggest you try something with minimal side effects like Wellbutrin (buproprion). The only side effect that seriously matters is you have to cut your alcohol intake to almost nothing (I have one drink per day, max) or risk grand mal seizures. The pills make me better than being drunk makes me, so it's a fair trade. :)

I have a good friend who recently gave up the bud, and his outlook has changed completely, for the better. (He was seriously depressed following a bad divorce.) All his friends have noticed, and he wasn't really "hearing" us trying to help while he was getting high to escape. Took him 3 years to come to this conclusion, so don't just brush it off. By telling you this I'm saying don't start consuming more when you start to feel better, because it might have the opposite effect. Your mileage may vary.

#30 Edited by I_Stay_Puft (3599 posts) -

Hey man think we all been there. I'm actually dealing with some personal stuff on the family side right now but I gotta put everything in check cause of that and other responsibilities which are kicking my butt right now. I found out that talking about these issues to either people you trust or a psychologist helps alot. I'm not saying this should be the be all end all but for some it helps. I think what helped the most for myself was realizing when shit gets really fucked up, just focus on the things you can fix/change and realize some of that stuff is just out of your hands. Hopefully this shit will pass man, need more hats on Bob Ross avatar for the coming holidays.

#31 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4424 posts) -

@i_stay_puft: Never not painting happy little trees

@everyones_a_critic: Yeah that resonated with me very well and I have a lot of respect for him. I can't imagine how he managed to balanced two lives like that. Acting like you're cheerful when you're the opposite is the worst so I have no idea how he kept that kind of demeanor with all the things he's involved in.

@levio said:

My recommendation: Spend all your money on lottery tickets. When you win, your happiness will lift you out of depression!

That's what I do!

Foolproof

@humanity said:

@colourful_hippie: Identify if you are on the early road to depression if you're just going through a slump. Depression is a very serious debilitation that can critically affect your everyday life. Feeling a bit more down than usual isn't really depression, but then again I'm sure there is a lot more going on than you can articulate in a thread.

That's why I compiled those things together in the post and realized that they were occurring frequently over the course of a month which is what made me start thinking about all of this in general. Like @jasonr86 said, it could just be a depressive episode that I'll eventually come out of but I felt the need to at least check myself now so that I'll know if I'm continuing to sink lower or not in the coming months.

#32 Posted by laserguy (448 posts) -

Well considering Lou Reed died your depression is understandable. You should take some meds and listen to some music.

#33 Edited by Akyho (1678 posts) -

Considering I am pretty sure for the last three years I have been pretty depressed so much happens I can never tell. Untill this week were I got a new job! then lost that job! because I had a panic attack (first one ever) and I had it because I was rushing around at lunch trying to do everything and get back on time. So yeah I am depressed and what I found...I feel the same as I have done for years. So I throw my hands up in the air and going to a doctor and going to air everything out (aired some out to the doc when I wanted my panic attack to be fixed).

So I resonate with some of the things you say. Loseing intrest in games is a similar thing with me, except I wonder if thats depression or just the nature of the beast with the late gen? But then I happily spend my time on Kerbal or even Dota (of which I have quit as its been more anxiety and EXTREME anger of which is not normal to me and this was before my panic attack and job loss

Since I have been depressed most of the time (high school letting me know how that feels) its normal to me.

While to you its not, so maybe check it out with a doc?

#34 Edited by forkboy (1169 posts) -

@laserguy said:

Well considering Lou Reed died your depression is understandable. You should take some meds and listen to some music.

That's a serious bummer. Lou has been on my avatar here since I first joined Giant Bomb, & one of my absolute favourite artists

#35 Posted by Intro (1208 posts) -

I think I posted my story in another thread by you since I'm also battling depression. I'll write a little bit in case anyone wants to read/talk, depression is really the only thing I think about anymore, sadly, but I at least I have something to say about it whether it's worthwhile or not. Really though, I'm mostly just venting while there's a thread about it.

Currently, doing anything is a damn hassle mentally. I don't play video games, I don't watch football, I rarely try to hangout with old friends, I go on the internet much less often, etc. Essentially, I find very little things in life enjoyable when I use to love them. It takes A LOT just to get depression and suicide of off my mind, usually it's no more than a couple minutes though and negative thoughts come back. Just a few years ago no matter what mood I was in, I was at the very least be able to enjoy a nice multiplayer match of a video game or find something to stay happy with. Even if I had nothing to do, fantasizing about dying, getting cancer or being killed was never on my mind like it is now. My manager just informed me today that a friend of hers killed himself around the area I live in just a few days ago. I felt awful for her, the man and his family/friends. At the same time, I quietly admired his courage and wish I had it in me, god knows I've tried. I just want to be the next person to off themselves, it's all I want anymore. The thought of something being better than nothing has stopped me so far.

Life felt a little better after my 5 day vacation in a psych ward (I could tell you some strange stories about some people, who I genuinely feel bad for, that you wouldn't believe. I thought I had it bad.) Shortly after, though, I went back to my normal depressed self. Just being out of that place was enough to be happy for a little while, though. I was on an anti-depressant and seeing a counselor afterwards. I quit both the meds (after having the dosage raised and still noticing no helpful effects) and the counselor. The counselor slightly helped, but nothing worth the time or money. My family doctor has recommended me a psychiatrist, which I might call tomorrow and set up if I can work up the motivation. It's sad realizing making simple phone calls seem like a hassle to me now. That's just a part of depression I guess.

Anyway, I believe my depression is stemming from loneliness. I'll go ahead and admit it's my own fault and no one can fix it but me. I don't just want to whine and blame the world for not helping me. It's just hard when I have no confidence in anything anymore and feel as if I can't relate to anyone, not even family most of the time. I use to be able to relate to someone. A year and some months ago I started dating, I was 18. I'd be lying if I said I was completely happy throughout my year long, first relationship which was my first experience falling in love. That being said, I was doing much, much better when I had someone to be/relate with and to talk to. We broke up after a year and it was definitely for the better, I won't get into details. That's an entirely different story. You'd think right away I would be a mess, but I was fine initially. As I said it was for the better, I recognized that and was insanely happy to move on with life. However, moving on consisted of nothingness and the more and more I saw that, the more depressed I became. Just a few weeks ago, I met a girl who seemed really interested me and for the first time since my first and only girlfriend, I was really happy. We've been hanging out and recently talking about dating (she brought it up surprisingly), everything looked like it was going smoothly. Last Friday we hung out for hours, kissed and I finally felt close to someone again. We also smoked a joint she had, which will bring me to that topic shortly She texted me afterwards saying she had a great time, wants to do it again, blah, blah, blah. We were suppose to see each other tonight, but she cancelled those plans by not answering my call today. When I meet a girl, typically it ends in them ignoring me forever without giving me a reason, it hurts. I'm sure their reasons are rightfully so, I just wish I knew why. Anyway, on to my marijuana related use that may have an effect on my depression.

Also a year and some months ago, a few weeks before meeting my first girlfriend, I started smoking. This is just after graduating high school, by the way. I had done it before, but not much. I started off buying $20 or $40 at a time. Then went to $140+++ and would always have at least a 1/2 ounce on me. My girlfriend didn't mind, she smoked too so it didn't effect our relationship in a negative way if you were wondering, I was willing to quit at any minute if that's what she wanted. So more quickly than I realized, I was a stoner after rarely using it in high school. I smoked every single day and almost all day regardless of what was going on. Wake up, smoke, go to school, smoke on the way there, go to class, smoke in between classes, get home and smoke the rest of the day. I regret almost every choice in my life when I look at my happiness now, but I don't regret smoking so much. I laughed a lot, I smiled and became much more sociable in public (I'm a kind person in public regardless of being high or not). I guess I finally had another hobby that I was happy and always willing to partake in. Maybe I was addicted, I don't know. When there were times around other people where I obviously couldn't smoke, I never freaked out about it or thought about it constantly when I couldn't use, which was good. Perhaps knowing once I got back home I'd have an ounce waiting for me, made me not worry about it when I wasn't smoking. Now I no longer buy and haven't for a few months, proud to say actually. I do still smoke when I'm around it and it's offered. I probably always will until something comes up where I'll need drug tested, but I think (hoping) I'll be dead before anything of significance like a good job comes to my life after school, if I even finish.

I started saving money once I quit buying marijuana and bought a used 2009, new car and love it. A big upgrade from my previous 99 Camry which was rusting and beat up. I love my new car honestly, but I've known for awhile getting new/nice things only make you happy for awhile. Well, I wasn't even happy for awhile. It use to be I'd buy myself something nice and enjoy the hell out of it, then within a month or two, I'd realize my overall happiness is the same. I got my car just a month ago and that was around the time my depression gotten really bad, I didn't even get happy like I use to after buying something nice for myself. I guess I realized, once my depression got bad, nothing was going to change my happiness until I started meeting more people and becoming more sociable/involved in things. I did need a new one anyway, so this wasn't a case of me buying something expensive on a whim, thankfully. Also, I do sometimes get some enjoyment out of driving again every once in awhile, which is a great for me.

So if anyone else is going through a tough time and looking for someone to talk with, I'm pretty open and can share some stories or listen. I know I'm only 19, my life isn't that bad and I shouldn't be complaining about any of the things I am, I do realize this. If could just tell myself "Hey, everything's okay, quit whining," I would. The psychiatrist I saw at the psych ward said I have major depression disorder, maybe I'm just a bitch, I don't know. I just know I feel awful, suicidal (I guess that depends on how you define the word, I think I am and that's another story I probably shouldn't go into unless wants to hear it), wish it would change and wish these feelings would go away. They just don't, not yet.

#36 Edited by development (2454 posts) -

Has anyone suggested seeing a doctor? Because that's what you should do. Don't let them just push you onto some drug, though, 'cause that's not a long-term solution, and you obviously are just temporarily depressed and not congenitally bi-polar or something.

#37 Edited by ArtelinaRose (1856 posts) -

@intro

Your story sounds a little too familiar. I'm pretty much the same, though I've never used drugs of any sort and I can't afford a car even if I had zero other expenses. Every person I've confessed to has ended up never talking to me again, so I definitely get that. I'm not so sure I can feel that way about anybody anymore as a result.

Life is a drag. I wake up because I have to and not much else. I have nothing to look forward to. I live in a place that makes me miserable with little chance of getting out of here, I have parents that didn't want me and still don't really want me around, I don't and can't make money for beans, I have friends but it seems like it's just getting harder and harder to connect with them. We talk, I'm laughing and smiling, but at the same time it almost feels like I'm not even there. I autopilot most of my days. Every once in a while I have a moment of clarity where I register I am alive and I am doing something. The rest of the time, I'm just kind of doing things without thinking about any of it and it's been that way for about four or five years now. I'm twenty two years old and I feel like making it to twenty five is asking way too much of me cause I've fucking had enough already.

I don't enjoy the things I do anymore, and I consistently find myself wishing I had the courage to just get suicide over with because I know that every time I get close and then don't do it, I'm just postponing it for later. I'm on hormones now and I'm mid transition but the changes come so slowly and all I feel is the mood swings making my weird emotions even weirder. I'm talking to a therapist every week but I'm not really sure what it's doing for me.

Pity party's over. I'm done now.

#38 Posted by bemusedchunk (701 posts) -

is this a marijuana thread now?

because i just got a new job and have been smoking regularly for about 7 or 8 years now...

anyway - if you think you have a problem, go see an actual doctor immediately. certianly don't listen to some idiots on the internet, that's for sure.

frankly - i think you may be thinking about it too much. but i'm not a doctor. and i'm also on the internet.

#39 Edited by Intro (1208 posts) -

@artelinarose That's good, don't do drugs, not worth getting caught up in. I'm 19 and still live with my parents, so thankfully some expenses I don't have to worry about. I pay for some food, cell phone and my car/gas, etc. I feel you, opening up to someone is near impossible if you ever want them to look at you the same again. I've been talking to a girl recently, it's kinda been off and on, but I just saw her today and it went perfect. I was able to tell her a lot about myself and she completely understood, she was in a similar situation just a year ago so knew what I was actually saying. So things are starting to look forward in regards to her, it's good to have someone who truly cares, as it comes rare in my life. Keep speaking to the therapist, it wasn't the best for me, but definitely worth looking into for your own health.

I can also relate to the "auto pilot" mode you talked about. Just me walking around campus with no friends at the entire uni, smiling and nodding along when I do participate in a conversation, meanwhile I have no feelings or emotion inside. People say things to me that normally would interest most, and I just fake enjoyment because I do want to smile, laugh, etc again, but I just don't have it in me to gather those emotions. It's tough.

#40 Posted by AcidBrandon18 (766 posts) -

I think I might have depression too. Or more so I have crazy mood-swings. Some days I'm super happy, other days I just want to die. Whenever I'm trying to sleep I always get thoughts of lonlyness and thoughts that I'm a waste of life. I used to be on meds, but all my friends told me that I didn't need to use those "placebos". Now I'm too stubborn to take meds or see anyone about it. I just assume I get a male version of a period every now and then and go on with my sad, lonely life.