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#1 Edited by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

I know its cliche to ask but is it? I got out of a relationship in December of 2010 and, without boring you with the details of what happened, my resentment and anger towards the person I was with still lingers. The only relevant information that you need to know is that I was wronged and deeply hurt by this person.

is the resentment towards this person just something that I have to live with? I'm aware it gets better but is that only because as more and more time passes the emotional trauma begins to fade? If so, then thats not truly getting over something because its just fading away from memory...you're not dealing with it and getting rid of it through will power or intelligence.

To be clear, i'm talking about anger not love or pining for someone.

#2 Posted by kmdrkul (3476 posts) -

I believe it depends on the person.  Personally every time I've ever been wronged or hurt in a major way I wasn't able to forgive them for a very long time if at all.  Oddly enough for me I believe the only way I can truly forgive is if I forget first, and I can't seem to forget things that easily.  
 
I'm interested to see if this thread will get any thoughtful responses, or if it just goes unread.

#3 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

probably it will get dumb responses then naturally go unread.

#4 Edited by Jeust (10473 posts) -

Anger is an emotion that needs to be released, and it can take time to let go of it. It's not so much as forgetting, but letting the strong impression of what happened fade. It's something akin to letting the nostalgia of the good moments kick in.

#5 Edited by Dany (7887 posts) -

It gets easier to be be around that person. You will be able to have a conversation with them down the line, however long that takes. As time moves forward you are getting over the relationship. You get over it by not forgetting about it but letting that emotion go away because it needs to.

#6 Posted by Creamypies (4050 posts) -

For small things, sure. I think, however, for things that cause you a fair amount of emotional trauma... there can be no forgiveness.

#7 Posted by SSully (4125 posts) -

It is a lot easier if you talk in detail about the situation with someone, in person. It will help even more if you can have a calm and mature conversation with the person who wronged you as well.

Online
#8 Posted by marlow83 (239 posts) -

I don't think immediate forgiveness really exists, but like you said, memories fade. But I think you're not giving that fact its full value. You'll look back on this after a long while, then realize that what this person did doesn't matter anymore. I don't believe in "forgiveness" as being something that you achieve by being good and pure and whatever, it's a state of apathy that comes with time. But that's just me, I think denying anger isn't healthy, better to accept the anger and let it fade over time. But don't do anything drastic w/ it.

#9 Posted by amomjc (977 posts) -

It all depends on the worth of the person your talking about. Make sure to look back to the good and bad times you've had and weigh that carefully. You will find through that whether or not this is a reoccurring situation you may have over looked or a genuine human accident that can be forgiven with time. Yes, time is a healing factor that uses will power and intelligence. You have to be able to look at that person differently during that time in order to allow that wound to heal, it doesn't just go away because you forgot or it wasn't that serious in the first place.

When I was dating my wife, I made a stupid mistake that could have cost me everything with her. Instead of leaving me in the dust, she gave me a second chance, and I paid for it for 3 years with jealously and fear from her that I had to heal. I understood this and did everything I could, and now I sit here a very happily married man to a very happily married woman.

I guess what I am trying to say, is you really have to make the decision of whether or not its worth your heartbreak and pain to forgive this person, and if its not, that's okay. This is a short life and the last thing you need to do is waste your time with people you cannot forgive and find someone who you can, or just wont hurt you in the first place.

#10 Posted by Irvandus (2817 posts) -

Give it time and if it's someone you care about you'll eventually be able to forgive them.

#11 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@SSully: If this thread works out properly, I would like to get different people's view on deeply emotional anger as a result of a doomed relationship. As such, I want to keep it as general as possible so I don't want to make it too much about my own specific issues however I should have clarified that I am incapable of talking to the girl that did this to me. I don't speak and express myself properly under pressure and she doesn't live in the same city as me anymore...so talking to this person to reason with them and ask them why they did what they did is not an option for me. Finally, I should also say that this was my first girlfriend and the person I lost my virginity to.

#12 Edited by Wrighteous86 (3735 posts) -

@KatyGaGa: Without details it's hard to say anything, really. There's no one catch-all answer for a situation or how you feel. Everything is different depending on the details or the people involved. I felt betrayed once by someone I was dating, and it took me a few years, but I'm back to being friends with them. Wouldn't ever date them again, but they're a good friend. Don't know if that helps.

#13 Posted by crusader8463 (14413 posts) -

No matter how much you hate someone, eventually the memory of the wrong doing will fade enough that you are not a seething ball of anger all the time. It took me about 5-6 years for me to not be mad at a couple people and want to punch them in the face every time I saw them. You will always hate them for what they did, but eventually you will get to the point where wasting your time thinking about it will be pointless and you will move on. 
 
For me at least, the anger will always be there, but at some point you will just learn to not let it control you. The key is to use the anger to fuel you.

#14 Edited by BombKareshi (996 posts) -

I'd like to make two statements. 

  1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
  2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.
 
Thank you.
#15 Posted by PenguinDust (12450 posts) -

It's not only possible but important otherwise you'll have a difficult time moving on.  That anger could be carried into future relationships creating distrust and erecting barriers between you and the potential partner right from the beginning.  It's important to let it go.  I suggest you write an extensive letter about your feeling and how you can seem to get rid of the resentment.  You don't need to send the letter but the action itself should begin the healing process.  You need to find some way to let it out and find closure.

#16 Posted by Buscemi (1106 posts) -

Jesus was into all that shit, he knew what he was doing. Turn dat cheek the other way, bitch.

#17 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@Wrighteous86: I would give more details about the relationship but I would rather not because I have come to learn that I am INCREDIBLY impressionable and the way I'll tell the story may leave it up to improper interpretation by some or I'll get people that want to just make me feel worse by giving me sarcastic or hurtful responses. I host a radio show and I already made the dumb decision to release all the details about my relationship on air which has now been recorded into a 7 hour podcast. I would rather not go through that nonsense again.

#18 Posted by Mesoian (1572 posts) -
@KatyGaGa said:

I know its cliche to ask but is it? I got out of a relationship in December of 2010 and, without boring you with the details of what happened, my resentment and anger towards the person I was with still lingers. The only relevant information that you need to know is that I was wronged and deeply hurt by this person.

is the resentment towards this person just something that I have to live with? I'm aware it gets better but is that only because as more and more time passes the emotional trauma begins to fade? If so, then thats not truly getting over something because its just fading away from memory...you're not dealing with it and getting rid of it through will power or intelligence.

To be clear, i'm talking about anger not love or pining for someone.

Of course. 
 
The problem is, you have to actually want to forgive them. Most of the time, when things escalate to the point where you no longer want to involve yourself with the other party, you place them in a frame of mind that warrants that hatred, deserved or not. Time will pass, you'll go your seperate ways, and eventually the pure animosity dies down, but the hatred doesn't just magically go away. it is associated with that person. 
 
A lot of the time, people will say that forgiving someone will help both parties in the long run, but I tend to find that when someone is "forgiven" without the person truly meaning it, it just leads to bigger problems down the road. The person doing the forgiving actually needs to want that person back in their life, as a standing piece of their own life. Most times, when the wound is deep and the matter is actually serious, people don't want to do that. 
 
Most importantly, not wanting to forgive someone is okay. I hear a lot of rhetoric about how having hatred in your heart is a bad thing and everyone should be happy and nice to each other. These are the people who don't keep score in children's sports so no one's feelings get hurt. Hatred is good, it is a reminder of why you shouldn't associate yourself with certain people. 
 
What I find to be a lot more potent is, forgetting. If you feel that living with hatred is a big deal and adversely acting upon your mental and physical being, then there's only one thing to do. Cut out the source of the hatred, like you would cut out a cancer. So many times, I hear about people's bad break ups or people pining about bad parents, but they still go out of their way to communicate with the people who are causing them hardships. This is a mistake, though a common human fault. If someone is causing you pain or anguish and they are not likely to continue, cut them off. You don't need someone who is going to do nothing but pain you for their own reasons which do not support you. Forget about them and continue living your life the way you want. 
 
This morning, Alex Navaro posted, on his twitter, an article from some (I'd assume) gaming mag written by a female journalist complaining about how her boyfriend does nothing but play video games and act like a child, generally embarrassing her in public and upsetting her seemingly every other minute. From the acts she listed, it sounded like she had every right to complain, BUT SHE IS STILL DATING HIM! If he is really that terrible and you hate what he does that much, GET RID OF HIM. Life is too short to live your life catering to tumors. 
 
Keep the people and things that give you pleasure close. Treat them as special things and make them know that you consider them to be special. It may be embarrassing, but these things need to be said once in a while. Conversely, DO NOT SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY. If someone is pissing you off, tell them. And if they continue pissing you off, question whether or not you really need to associate with those people. 
 
You are entitled to your anger. But you also need to judge if that anger is worth feeling towards something that can easily be removed from your life. There are things to truly be angry about, and with any luck, you will experience very few of them.
#19 Posted by paulithon (95 posts) -

 forgiveness is tricky. because there are so many different levels of pain and emotion any one person can feel at different times in there lives. 
 
in my situation i was cheated on and have also lost my daughter. i see her every two weeks but the pain is unbearable even now a year after. I think seeing my ex every two weeks when i pick up my daughter makes it harder to forgive when you have a constant reminder that you never have the time to get past it. 
 
but i manage itt by not forgiving but working through it. because its never about forgiveness. what ever a person does nothing they can do will change your mind unless you work through whatever has happened yourself to see if realistically and honestly you can move past it and not live in fear of it in your next relationship. 
 
@crusader8463
said:

 The key is to use the anger to fuel you.  
 i agree completly.
#20 Posted by kittencake (99 posts) -

it's been almost five years since i split up with a boyfriend who did some terrible things to me, and i don't think i will ever 'get over it', really. obviously i think about it less and less these days, particularly as i'm with someone who treats me well now, but the fading effect of time is probably the best you can hope for. you might want to try therapy or counselling for your feelings, perhaps talking through it would help you to let go?

#21 Posted by huntad (1930 posts) -

@katygaga If you want to be able to move on with your life, then you must forgive the person to an extent. Being able to forgive means more to you than it will to them. It makes it easier to continue on, because those negative thoughts/feelings will eat away at you over time. Don't forgive them for their sake, forgive them for yourself at the very least.

The thing about forgiveness is that you can never forget what they did. Remembering what they did and being cautious is what helps you learn from their and your mistakes. Just don't hold a lifelong grudge. It hurts you more than it hurts them.

#22 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@PenguinDust: I completely agree with the part that it could possibly ruin subsequent relationships. I have noticed in myself since my own relationship ended that I....it feels wrong and embarrassing to even say it...but I get incredibly happy now to make other people feel guilty and bad about themselves. I get this strange sadistic pleasure out of it. This is not something I am proud of and I don't recall having these feeling before my relationship. To be clear, just so people don't think too badly about me now, I am not a violent person and have never been violent with anyone but now, for some reason, to be EMOTIONALLY violent with someone feels very, very good and I don't like that I feel this way.

#23 Posted by ShaolinSpade (158 posts) -

I try to forgive first- that is, consciously make the decision with an objective mind to not hold anything against that person- then the emotional forgiveness follows more easily. And by emotional forgiveness I mean not feeling so hurt and angry at that person.

#24 Posted by Enns (357 posts) -

Personally for the most part time heals almost everything.

If it's something like being betrayed, then I find I can't really let it all go.

I think it's okay to keep that sort of thing with you. It's a lesson learned.

The hard part is not letting it wreck you or any other relations.

#25 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@kittencake: I have tried therapy and a psychologist but unfortunately it didn't help much. I know what my problem is ...its not having a proper outlet for it. Talking about it really doesn't help and I've tried hard to keep busy to get my mind off of it but that doesn't help either....kinda like the whole "don't think of a purple elephant" argument. Actually, its threads like this that help because in the few responses I've gotten so far I've seen that other people can have much worse issues than you... so keeping things in perspective is a nice step in the right direction for me however unfortunately that doesn't help TOO much either. Its truly maddening.

#26 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@huntad: I understand what you're saying but what about the idea that THEY got away with what they did? Forgiveness for me is kind of a foreign thing because what feels better is justice and balance. Its cathartic to know that what happened should happen to the person that did it to you as well.

#27 Posted by kittencake (99 posts) -
@KatyGaGa: it really sounds like it's HER that you need to speak to in order to find some resolution... i know you said she lives away from you and you don't do well under pressure, but perhaps you could send an e-mail or letter, and, without being too confrontational (i know that's hard!), explain that you really need an explanation for her actions in order to get on with your life...? if she has any heart at all she is probably feeling some guilt for the things she did to you, and it might be that she jumps at the chance to make things better...
#28 Posted by PenguinDust (12450 posts) -
@KatyGaGa:  Sounds like you are carrying out revenge against the person who wronged you via proxies in new relationships.  Since you can't hurt (emotionally) the person who caused you this grief, you're using other people as substitutes.  Recognizing the problem is a good first step.
#29 Edited by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@kittencake: I've been told by her friends and parents that she initially felt guilt but then started giving me a bad name by saying I did things in the relationship that we BOTH knew wasn't true. I mean, that's all part of why I genuinely hate her. I still do care for her... a lot actually...but in the sense that if she's ever in danger she can call me day or night and I'll be there to help otherwise she NEEDS to stay the hell away from me. As for your letter idea, I ended up recording a 7+ hour podcast detailing our entire relationship from the second I saw her to pretty much the moment I hit "stop" on the record button...I've been tempted to send her that... I doubt she'll listen to it all...even though a good indie-portion of Toronto, Canada has heard it in its entirety...but it is a pretty complete document of what happened and outlines the faults of BOTH of us and not just her...its not just a 7 hour "fuck you". I am not blind to the idea that I did some bad things in our relationship but they don't even begin to compare to the things she put me through. I'm a 22 year old male and because of her, I've questioned my sexuality, been horribly insecure with myself and become an angry, bitter person. Forgiveness for me isn't necessarily an option at the moment as, to a certain extent, it would feel like I'm excusing her behaviour. Justice and balance would feel much better but thats not an option either.

#30 Posted by Everyones_A_Critic (6287 posts) -

I believe that it is possible, but as others have said it largely depends on the person. I used to be the type that would never let shit go, but as I got older I found that shit tends to get easier if you try to go by the old cliche and forgive and forget. Obviously if someone wrongs you you're going to be pretty pissed about it, but there's a point where it does more harm than good and you just need to get over it. Remember: karma doesn't exist, but the fact is that shittier things tend to happen to shittier people.

Example: This kid who used to tease me a lot in high school was drunk driving and drove his car into a lake. The worst part was that he survived.

#31 Posted by kittencake (99 posts) -
@KatyGaGa: ...i think maybe you should send her the podcast, at least then you know she's heard everything you have to say on the matter. but also, since you feel you need retribution... remember that until she learns how to treat people properly her life will be a series of failed relationships, she will never know how it feels to love and be loved back in a proper, happy, comfortable way. she WILL get what is coming to her!
 
also, i totally thought you were a lesbian, what with your username, lol. not that it makes any difference to the situation!
#32 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@kittencake: yeah, sorry, I should have clarified that. I just really like Katy Perry and Lady GaGa...i know it's lame but...

#33 Posted by kittencake (99 posts) -
@KatyGaGa: heh, it's okay, like i said, it makes no difference. this stuff happens to everyone, regardless of gender or sexual preference!
#34 Posted by BraveToaster (12590 posts) -

Forgive, but never forget.

#35 Posted by Meltac (1999 posts) -

It really depends on the circumstances, the person etc. 

#36 Posted by sesquipedalophobe (183 posts) -

I used to be angry at everyone all the time, but to spare the details yes. It's possible given the situation. It depends on the person.

#37 Edited by ChickenPants (934 posts) -

I went through a similar situation in early 2010. I never forgave, mainly because the person in question did not make that possible, refusing to acknowledge the situation when it was obvious that both of us knew. I was angry and bitter for a longtime. This then morphed into just general sadness over time. After awhile the feelings began to fade and it became just a memory of a memory of a memory.
 
I rarely see the person anymore but I'd be lieing if I said I didn't resentful towards them when I do. We don't communicate though so it's not really an issue. It's not something that I think about anymore and it doesn't really intrude upon my life. I've never forgave and can't see myself forgiving the person in the future, yet I would consider myself over it as it's not something that dominates my thoughts. There's no point in forgiving someone if you don't mean it. I can't envision a set of circumstances that would lead to me forgiving said person. The whole situation has changed me as a person though.

#38 Posted by apoptosis61 (600 posts) -

turn on your wii, put in the no more heroes 2 disc , unleash your anger

#39 Posted by lazyturtle (1227 posts) -

I don't see a point to forgiving them. This person hurt you right? Fuckem. Whats really going to happen is that you'll get over it and move on. You won't feel angry about it anymore (unless you specifically think about the details), instead you just won't care. It'll be the past.

#40 Edited by MentalDisruption (1618 posts) -

You should always forgive. Even if they did something to truly hurt you. Holding onto that anger isn't helping you in any way, and it's not doing anything to make them "pay" either. The only thing you need to hold onto is what you learned from the experience. This doesn't mean you need to buddy up with the person again, but don't waste your energy being mad at them. Above all else, love your enemies. Even if they don't deserve it.

#41 Posted by KatyGaGa (274 posts) -

@lazyturtle: I hope so. it's just hard when you have wacky flashbacks of when your girlfriend, who tells you that she loves you at times and means it but then also tells you that her ex-boyfriend "tasted" better than you. She says this with a strange smirk on her face...she knew she was hurting me. I have thousands of examples like this that are much worse too. For me, personally, I had the worst possible first girlfriend but we both DID love each other.

#42 Posted by huntad (1930 posts) -

@KatyGaGa: Yeah, that's the most common feeling: "Why should they be able to get away with it?". The most reliable answer is that life simply isn't fair. But think about it, your friend will most likely get what's coming in the end anyways. If the same behavior continues, no learning experience will ever come and the same mistakes will be repeated over and over again. Your friend will most likely never have a solid relationship again. And if your friend stops and learns from it, then you will have both learned from his mistake and be better off. We all gotta learn someway, and as stupid as it sounds at the time, sometimes this is the only way. It all depends on the maturity level of the person that made the mistake.

I know someone who still hasn't learned and is completely miserable as a married man. With that said, you don't have to forget, but the whole concept of forgiveness (to me) is just accepting what happened and moving on without holding a grudge. I don't know the extent of the relationship, but if you are still with this person, then you can decide the break it off if forgiveness will take more time than it's worth, or try to repair the damage. The problem is, you will never see the same person in the same light again (at least for a long while). The trust that was there was broken and it takes time to repair if even possible.

All in all, the person did not get away with anything. Our mistakes almost always follow us until we die unless we learn from them. It's just how it goes. I hope you're able to forgive though. Don't let the person win, by causing you to hold a lifelong grudge of unhappiness and misery.

#43 Posted by Example1013 (4834 posts) -

You know what's maddening? Being tired to the point of having a fatigue headache, lying in your comfortable bed with your head on your comfortable pillow, and still not being able to get to sleep.

#44 Posted by Fajita_Jim (1463 posts) -

I still have a lot of resentment toward my ex-wife. I did the classic 'came home early and caught the bitch' bit, and I knew right there it was over. What hurt the worst is up until that moment I thought we were both happy; I'd bought a house, I owned a business, we were talking about kids...and then that shit. So a lot of my anger comes from "where would I be today if..." when I see other married couples with their kids enjoying themselves. 
 
Now because the bitch cheated I may never get to know that, because it's taken me years to feel like even dating again and I'm not getting any younger. 
 
Does it go away? No, you just learn to deal with it.

#45 Edited by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

You need to sleep with her mom. Also.

 Someone had to
#46 Posted by JasonR86 (9604 posts) -
@KatyGaGa
 
Depends on how the one offering forgiveness feels about what was done.  Forgiveness is dependent upon one thing; the forgiver.  What was actually done is kind of secondary in terms of forgiveness.
#47 Posted by TEHMAXXORZ (1199 posts) -
@BombKareshi said:   

  1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
  2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.
This, although forgiveness isn't really not being angry with the person, it's more accepting what happened and accepting why the person did it.
#48 Posted by BombKareshi (996 posts) -
@TEHMAXXORZ said:
@BombKareshi said:   

  1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
  2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.
This, although forgiveness isn't really not being angry with the person, it's more accepting what happened and accepting why the person did it.
I disagree that forgiving someone involves accepting why they did something.
 
I can forgive a person for doing something inhumane, but that doesn't mean I accept or even want to understand their motives.
#49 Posted by Gamer_152 (14051 posts) -

It depends on the person and the situation. There's no definite "yes" or "no" either way.

Moderator
#50 Posted by lazyturtle (1227 posts) -
@KatyGaGa: Yea...but time will pass and it will become less vivid. Don't dwell on it (at least as much as possible) and just go have some random sex with strangers. Date someone else.  Hang out with friends.
 
Trust me, most people have been there at some point. In the short term, do things to keep yourself busy. Don't focus on the shitty events of the past, but rather the positive potential of the future.