is forgiveness possible?

I know its cliche to ask but is it? I got out of a relationship in December of 2010 and, without boring you with the details of what happened, my resentment and anger towards the person I was with still lingers. The only relevant information that you need to know is that I was wronged and deeply hurt by this person.

is the resentment towards this person just something that I have to live with? I'm aware it gets better but is that only because as more and more time passes the emotional trauma begins to fade? If so, then thats not truly getting over something because its just fading away from memory...you're not dealing with it and getting rid of it through will power or intelligence.

To be clear, i'm talking about anger not love or pining for someone.

I believe it depends on the person.  Personally every time I've ever been wronged or hurt in a major way I wasn't able to forgive them for a very long time if at all.  Oddly enough for me I believe the only way I can truly forgive is if I forget first, and I can't seem to forget things that easily.  
 
I'm interested to see if this thread will get any thoughtful responses, or if it just goes unread.

probably it will get dumb responses then naturally go unread.

Anger is an emotion that needs to be released, and it can take time to let go of it. It's not so much as forgetting, but letting the strong impression of what happened fade. It's something akin to letting the nostalgia of the good moments kick in.

It gets easier to be be around that person. You will be able to have a conversation with them down the line, however long that takes. As time moves forward you are getting over the relationship. You get over it by not forgetting about it but letting that emotion go away because it needs to.

For small things, sure. I think, however, for things that cause you a fair amount of emotional trauma... there can be no forgiveness.

It is a lot easier if you talk in detail about the situation with someone, in person. It will help even more if you can have a calm and mature conversation with the person who wronged you as well.

I don't think immediate forgiveness really exists, but like you said, memories fade. But I think you're not giving that fact its full value. You'll look back on this after a long while, then realize that what this person did doesn't matter anymore. I don't believe in "forgiveness" as being something that you achieve by being good and pure and whatever, it's a state of apathy that comes with time. But that's just me, I think denying anger isn't healthy, better to accept the anger and let it fade over time. But don't do anything drastic w/ it.

It all depends on the worth of the person your talking about. Make sure to look back to the good and bad times you've had and weigh that carefully. You will find through that whether or not this is a reoccurring situation you may have over looked or a genuine human accident that can be forgiven with time. Yes, time is a healing factor that uses will power and intelligence. You have to be able to look at that person differently during that time in order to allow that wound to heal, it doesn't just go away because you forgot or it wasn't that serious in the first place.

When I was dating my wife, I made a stupid mistake that could have cost me everything with her. Instead of leaving me in the dust, she gave me a second chance, and I paid for it for 3 years with jealously and fear from her that I had to heal. I understood this and did everything I could, and now I sit here a very happily married man to a very happily married woman.

I guess what I am trying to say, is you really have to make the decision of whether or not its worth your heartbreak and pain to forgive this person, and if its not, that's okay. This is a short life and the last thing you need to do is waste your time with people you cannot forgive and find someone who you can, or just wont hurt you in the first place.

Give it time and if it's someone you care about you'll eventually be able to forgive them.

@SSully: If this thread works out properly, I would like to get different people's view on deeply emotional anger as a result of a doomed relationship. As such, I want to keep it as general as possible so I don't want to make it too much about my own specific issues however I should have clarified that I am incapable of talking to the girl that did this to me. I don't speak and express myself properly under pressure and she doesn't live in the same city as me anymore...so talking to this person to reason with them and ask them why they did what they did is not an option for me. Finally, I should also say that this was my first girlfriend and the person I lost my virginity to.

@KatyGaGa: Without details it's hard to say anything, really. There's no one catch-all answer for a situation or how you feel. Everything is different depending on the details or the people involved. I felt betrayed once by someone I was dating, and it took me a few years, but I'm back to being friends with them. Wouldn't ever date them again, but they're a good friend. Don't know if that helps.

No matter how much you hate someone, eventually the memory of the wrong doing will fade enough that you are not a seething ball of anger all the time. It took me about 5-6 years for me to not be mad at a couple people and want to punch them in the face every time I saw them. You will always hate them for what they did, but eventually you will get to the point where wasting your time thinking about it will be pointless and you will move on. 
 
For me at least, the anger will always be there, but at some point you will just learn to not let it control you. The key is to use the anger to fuel you.

I'd like to make two statements. 

1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.

It's not only possible but important otherwise you'll have a difficult time moving on.  That anger could be carried into future relationships creating distrust and erecting barriers between you and the potential partner right from the beginning.  It's important to let it go.  I suggest you write an extensive letter about your feeling and how you can seem to get rid of the resentment.  You don't need to send the letter but the action itself should begin the healing process.  You need to find some way to let it out and find closure.

Jesus was into all that shit, he knew what he was doing. Turn dat cheek the other way, bitch.

@Wrighteous86: I would give more details about the relationship but I would rather not because I have come to learn that I am INCREDIBLY impressionable and the way I'll tell the story may leave it up to improper interpretation by some or I'll get people that want to just make me feel worse by giving me sarcastic or hurtful responses. I host a radio show and I already made the dumb decision to release all the details about my relationship on air which has now been recorded into a 7 hour podcast. I would rather not go through that nonsense again.

I know its cliche to ask but is it? I got out of a relationship in December of 2010 and, without boring you with the details of what happened, my resentment and anger towards the person I was with still lingers. The only relevant information that you need to know is that I was wronged and deeply hurt by this person.

is the resentment towards this person just something that I have to live with? I'm aware it gets better but is that only because as more and more time passes the emotional trauma begins to fade? If so, then thats not truly getting over something because its just fading away from memory...you're not dealing with it and getting rid of it through will power or intelligence.

To be clear, i'm talking about anger not love or pining for someone.

 forgiveness is tricky. because there are so many different levels of pain and emotion any one person can feel at different times in there lives. 
 
in my situation i was cheated on and have also lost my daughter. i see her every two weeks but the pain is unbearable even now a year after. I think seeing my ex every two weeks when i pick up my daughter makes it harder to forgive when you have a constant reminder that you never have the time to get past it. 
 
but i manage itt by not forgiving but working through it. because its never about forgiveness. what ever a person does nothing they can do will change your mind unless you work through whatever has happened yourself to see if realistically and honestly you can move past it and not live in fear of it in your next relationship. 
 
@crusader8463 said:

 The key is to use the anger to fuel you.  

@katygaga If you want to be able to move on with your life, then you must forgive the person to an extent. Being able to forgive means more to you than it will to them. It makes it easier to continue on, because those negative thoughts/feelings will eat away at you over time. Don't forgive them for their sake, forgive them for yourself at the very least.

The thing about forgiveness is that you can never forget what they did. Remembering what they did and being cautious is what helps you learn from their and your mistakes. Just don't hold a lifelong grudge. It hurts you more than it hurts them.

@PenguinDust: I completely agree with the part that it could possibly ruin subsequent relationships. I have noticed in myself since my own relationship ended that I....it feels wrong and embarrassing to even say it...but I get incredibly happy now to make other people feel guilty and bad about themselves. I get this strange sadistic pleasure out of it. This is not something I am proud of and I don't recall having these feeling before my relationship. To be clear, just so people don't think too badly about me now, I am not a violent person and have never been violent with anyone but now, for some reason, to be EMOTIONALLY violent with someone feels very, very good and I don't like that I feel this way.

I try to forgive first- that is, consciously make the decision with an objective mind to not hold anything against that person- then the emotional forgiveness follows more easily. And by emotional forgiveness I mean not feeling so hurt and angry at that person.

Personally for the most part time heals almost everything.

If it's something like being betrayed, then I find I can't really let it all go.

I think it's okay to keep that sort of thing with you. It's a lesson learned.

The hard part is not letting it wreck you or any other relations.

@kittencake: I have tried therapy and a psychologist but unfortunately it didn't help much. I know what my problem is ...its not having a proper outlet for it. Talking about it really doesn't help and I've tried hard to keep busy to get my mind off of it but that doesn't help either....kinda like the whole "don't think of a purple elephant" argument. Actually, its threads like this that help because in the few responses I've gotten so far I've seen that other people can have much worse issues than you... so keeping things in perspective is a nice step in the right direction for me however unfortunately that doesn't help TOO much either. Its truly maddening.

@huntad: I understand what you're saying but what about the idea that THEY got away with what they did? Forgiveness for me is kind of a foreign thing because what feels better is justice and balance. Its cathartic to know that what happened should happen to the person that did it to you as well.

@kittencake: I've been told by her friends and parents that she initially felt guilt but then started giving me a bad name by saying I did things in the relationship that we BOTH knew wasn't true. I mean, that's all part of why I genuinely hate her. I still do care for her... a lot actually...but in the sense that if she's ever in danger she can call me day or night and I'll be there to help otherwise she NEEDS to stay the hell away from me. As for your letter idea, I ended up recording a 7+ hour podcast detailing our entire relationship from the second I saw her to pretty much the moment I hit "stop" on the record button...I've been tempted to send her that... I doubt she'll listen to it all...even though a good indie-portion of Toronto, Canada has heard it in its entirety...but it is a pretty complete document of what happened and outlines the faults of BOTH of us and not just her...its not just a 7 hour "fuck you". I am not blind to the idea that I did some bad things in our relationship but they don't even begin to compare to the things she put me through. I'm a 22 year old male and because of her, I've questioned my sexuality, been horribly insecure with myself and become an angry, bitter person. Forgiveness for me isn't necessarily an option at the moment as, to a certain extent, it would feel like I'm excusing her behaviour. Justice and balance would feel much better but thats not an option either.

I believe that it is possible, but as others have said it largely depends on the person. I used to be the type that would never let shit go, but as I got older I found that shit tends to get easier if you try to go by the old cliche and forgive and forget. Obviously if someone wrongs you you're going to be pretty pissed about it, but there's a point where it does more harm than good and you just need to get over it. Remember: karma doesn't exist, but the fact is that shittier things tend to happen to shittier people.

Example: This kid who used to tease me a lot in high school was drunk driving and drove his car into a lake. The worst part was that he survived.

@kittencake: yeah, sorry, I should have clarified that. I just really like Katy Perry and Lady GaGa...i know it's lame but...

Forgive, but never forget.

It really depends on the circumstances, the person etc. 

I used to be angry at everyone all the time, but to spare the details yes. It's possible given the situation. It depends on the person.

I went through a similar situation in early 2010. I never forgave, mainly because the person in question did not make that possible, refusing to acknowledge the situation when it was obvious that both of us knew. I was angry and bitter for a longtime. This then morphed into just general sadness over time. After awhile the feelings began to fade and it became just a memory of a memory of a memory.
 
I rarely see the person anymore but I'd be lieing if I said I didn't resentful towards them when I do. We don't communicate though so it's not really an issue. It's not something that I think about anymore and it doesn't really intrude upon my life. I've never forgave and can't see myself forgiving the person in the future, yet I would consider myself over it as it's not something that dominates my thoughts. There's no point in forgiving someone if you don't mean it. I can't envision a set of circumstances that would lead to me forgiving said person. The whole situation has changed me as a person though.

turn on your wii, put in the no more heroes 2 disc , unleash your anger

I don't see a point to forgiving them. This person hurt you right? Fuckem. Whats really going to happen is that you'll get over it and move on. You won't feel angry about it anymore (unless you specifically think about the details), instead you just won't care. It'll be the past.

You should always forgive. Even if they did something to truly hurt you. Holding onto that anger isn't helping you in any way, and it's not doing anything to make them "pay" either. The only thing you need to hold onto is what you learned from the experience. This doesn't mean you need to buddy up with the person again, but don't waste your energy being mad at them. Above all else, love your enemies. Even if they don't deserve it.

@lazyturtle: I hope so. it's just hard when you have wacky flashbacks of when your girlfriend, who tells you that she loves you at times and means it but then also tells you that her ex-boyfriend "tasted" better than you. She says this with a strange smirk on her face...she knew she was hurting me. I have thousands of examples like this that are much worse too. For me, personally, I had the worst possible first girlfriend but we both DID love each other.

@KatyGaGa: Yeah, that's the most common feeling: "Why should they be able to get away with it?". The most reliable answer is that life simply isn't fair. But think about it, your friend will most likely get what's coming in the end anyways. If the same behavior continues, no learning experience will ever come and the same mistakes will be repeated over and over again. Your friend will most likely never have a solid relationship again. And if your friend stops and learns from it, then you will have both learned from his mistake and be better off. We all gotta learn someway, and as stupid as it sounds at the time, sometimes this is the only way. It all depends on the maturity level of the person that made the mistake.

I know someone who still hasn't learned and is completely miserable as a married man. With that said, you don't have to forget, but the whole concept of forgiveness (to me) is just accepting what happened and moving on without holding a grudge. I don't know the extent of the relationship, but if you are still with this person, then you can decide the break it off if forgiveness will take more time than it's worth, or try to repair the damage. The problem is, you will never see the same person in the same light again (at least for a long while). The trust that was there was broken and it takes time to repair if even possible.

All in all, the person did not get away with anything. Our mistakes almost always follow us until we die unless we learn from them. It's just how it goes. I hope you're able to forgive though. Don't let the person win, by causing you to hold a lifelong grudge of unhappiness and misery.

You know what's maddening? Being tired to the point of having a fatigue headache, lying in your comfortable bed with your head on your comfortable pillow, and still not being able to get to sleep.

I still have a lot of resentment toward my ex-wife. I did the classic 'came home early and caught the bitch' bit, and I knew right there it was over. What hurt the worst is up until that moment I thought we were both happy; I'd bought a house, I owned a business, we were talking about kids...and then that shit. So a lot of my anger comes from "where would I be today if..." when I see other married couples with their kids enjoying themselves. 
 
Now because the bitch cheated I may never get to know that, because it's taken me years to feel like even dating again and I'm not getting any younger. 
 
Does it go away? No, you just learn to deal with it.

You need to sleep with her mom. Also.

1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.

@BombKareshi said:   

1. Forgetting the pain is possibly the only way to get rid of it. By holding a grudge, you are constantly reminding yourself of how the other person made you feel, and that way it only hurts for longer.
2. It is very important to realize that forgiving someone does not mean that what they did was OK. It basically means that you're not going to stay angry at them about it.

This, although forgiveness isn't really not being angry with the person, it's more accepting what happened and accepting why the person did it.

It depends on the person and the situation. There's no definite "yes" or "no" either way.