Is it normal not wanting to change?

Before I start, i wanna say that I am fully aware that many of you will ridicule me, and that it's entirelly possible that this thread may be banned. I am taking my chances tho.

Long story short, I was fat all my teenage years and retreated indoors. I was almost never bullied, but I was ignored by people, so I came to hate them(and I was very shy). I basically just stay at home all day and play games.

A few months ago I started losing weight so i will boost my confidence and looks a bit to get a job, which I did. I work in web design for over a month now, and it's working good.

The weird thing is that even if I have enough courage to speak to people more now because I look better and have a job, I tend to not want to do that. I am obviously still a bit quiet, but no where near as much as before.

In a way this does make me miserable because I am always alone and have no friends, but at the same time I would hate myself if I changed that.

And that is because I've been like this all my life and started hating happy people that go out and have lives, etc (I know I am being an asshole for thinking that, but that's just how I feel).

And if I was to go out and have a life, then I would become just like them, which is the thing I hate the most.

This is what makes me keep wanting to be this way. It's weird because I know I will never be happy, but at the same time, I feel that if I change, then I might aswell die, since the person I would become won't be me.

The reason why i am asking this question now, is that since I have this job and started talking more (before everyone could tell something is wrong with me, but now I am incognito). I am constantly seeing myself having to push people away since they will never give up on wanting to go places and **** like that.

I was pretty mean to a girl the other day because she kept inviting me for lunch and I kept putting it off and at yesterday I just snapped at her and told her to go to hell.

So i guess my question is, did any of you ever felt this way? Not necesarely about my problem (im pretty sure I am just a rare occuring fuckup).

@Alexandru: You sound just like me LOL except I've always been skinny. For around two years I kept pushing people away at work because they would invite me out to do stuff etc. I eventually got sick of not doing anything and slowly gathered a bunch of regrets for treating people I enjoyed the company of like shit or acting really odd. Just go for it duder, like whats the worst thing that could happen really? I'm sort of on the other end of this however and made some mistakes in saying things to colleagues outside of work and just retreated back into my shell again... But yeah it's scary how much your thought process is like mine man.

sounds like you have some kind of mental disorder or something.

You told a girl to go to hell because she wanted to have lunch with you? I'm happy to say I'm not like you. You may want to work on that.

I agree with @IAmNotBatman ..... you will still be you only with more company , there is nothing wrong with that . I understand what you feel (may I say im a bit worse , since I dont have a job and Im still overweight) but pushing people away just for the sake of it is nnot good duder.... in the end we are a social animal and you dont want to be alone forever ... you begin to think horrible things 24/7 :( is not a good experience.

Normal? Yes. I'd wager most people will choose comfort or familiarity over change until they have no other choice.

Healthy? In your case, maybe not. But what do I know? I'll tell you what I know, nothing. I know nothing.

similar, except i've always been on the thin side. never got annoyed with people though that would ask me to do something, although I was hesitant at first when they would ask me. i was bullied in middle school, so my trust of people has never really been the best, and that is probably more where my hesitation comes from.

however, when i did have a job and worked with people my age after awhile i did start to talk more with them and start hanging out with some of them. change is something that as humans we try to avoid, it's our nature. but change is good. i would have hated never taking the chance to hang out with the people i did as i've made some great friends. if things go bad or go back to the way things are for you now, you may think that it sucks that you ever made the change, but in the end humans are social creatures so it's for the better.

Thought this was referring to changing clothes. Am thankful that it's not. That would be abnormal.

It's fine to prefer your own company. I'm going through a phase of that right now and I'm okay with it for the most part. It is a problem if you start being a dick to people about or because of it. Not a lot of people are able to understand that some people prefer to be alone sometimes so it's not really their fault for pestering you, as you see it (neither it is yours btdubs).

I will say that you probably shouldn't reject every offer you get to socialise or whatever. At some point, they'll just stop inviting you and then where will you be? You don't have to go to everything but don't dismiss everything out of hand. There's a difference between being an introvert and a misanthrope.

I'm not quite sure how to tackle your existential dilemma. All I know is that for me, change is not a bad thing. I look back at who I was as little as 3 years ago and am glad that I'm not that asshole anymore. I'm pretty sure the same thing will happen in another three years time. Just cos you start socialising a little more, doesn't mean your personality will change immediately and people aren't out to change you. They wouldn't bother inviting you places or talking to you if they thought you were an insufferable asshole who needs changing. Even if you do change, if you're unhappy with who you are now (you send mixed messages about this, for the record) then how could change be a bad thing?

Old habits die hard.  You resent people who "Have fun" because in the "Prime of your life", you never did, and you're feeling that because other people did, they think they're better than you. 
 
I hate to play the "Age card" on the internet because it's such a phallacy, but in all honesty, you just sound like a child who never grew up, so you're running away from your problems without facing them. Not that there's a problem with that. I left the country when I was faced with difficult times. Everyone has their own individual ways of dealing with problems. 
 
If we're being honest, it's probably accurate to state that you made this thread on a videogames forum because you know that there's loads of people who think that they're pathetic losers who will just be "Yes Men" and tell you that there's nothing wrong with you, and that you should carry on doing things your own way because whatever. 
 
But if you took the time to make a thread like this, it means you clearly know that you have a problem, and instead of dealing with it in a rational way, you're looking for approval. But if you can't accept yourself, there's nothing that reading things on the internet., this entire post included, will do for you except put you in a fundamentally worse place. 
 
Find out what your problems are, work on them, and be a better person. If you don't want to, that's fine too. 
 
Good luck.

Wait what? Someone tried to make a connection with you and you aggressively rejected it?

Fucking hell, apologise to the girl and if she still wants to, go out to lunch with her. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted nothing more to do with you.

You can enjoy a solitary lifestyle without being rude to others. For example, a, "No, thank you, I tend to feel a little awkward around others", rather than a, "Go to hell." Then if you change your mind, it won't be so difficult to resume those relationships.

Life is change. Its what makes us grow. Sticking to what is comfortable is easy and ultimately self-defeating. And being alone all the time leads to this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Kaczynski  
 
Go out and live.

You sound like me except I lost weight partly to stop being socially awkward and I wanted to go out and do stuff.

@Alexandru: You told a girl to go to Hell because she kept paying attention to you and asking you to go to lunch....

No, sir, YOU go to Hell.

Should have cut that bitch's head off and left it outside your office door as a warning to anyone trying to make friends.

Don't change into something you don't like.
However I am bit shocked a your reaction to the girl, is there more to this story? Or did you just snap for no reason?

Being alone is great and all but shit man. Get the hell out of your house and enjoy life. From What i read it seems like you are still a fatty Inside and you wear black clothes all the time and have a look of dread on your face. Why hate happiness? Being happy is awesome as it means what it is. Change wont hurt you as it will mean you can 1. Get friends // 2. Possibly talk with the opposite sex for once // 3. Not have to post stuff like this. // and 4. Finally have a happy life. Why post say your a fuckup also at the end of your post? I have never been skinny yet I have never been really fat. More or less in the middle since I always did sports like football / track / baseball but during the off-seasons I would hit the couch like a speeding truck and never want to move since I didn't have to. Sure I had friends and they would always want to do stuff but I liked to be alone also. Just because someone asks you to lunch does *does not have to be of opposite sex* Not mean you have to yell at them. That shows how anti-social you are and can actually hurt you at work. Tell them politely No, you are not interested. I have never felt like what you did in your post as I know if I did I to would talk down about myself. It is time to get up and See the sunshine and become a person who people want to come talk to. P.S. I was bullied but never shut myself away from others as they were the ones who helped me through it.

Just my rant at how pathetic your post seemed towards the end. Take it or leave it but I would advise a Change of lifestyle on a level more then just your weight.

You are definitely directing your anger/frustration at the wrong people. This is actually quite common considering all the sexists/racists/religious-extremists there are in the world. But obviously you will want to fix that.

You can do what you want but don't be surprised if you fall into depression and have major antisocial characteristics down the line as you get older. I used to be a loner for a while and I managed to change over time but I would still never get to the point of going out every weekend to go "partying", I prefer having smaller scale get togethers with close friends. You can pull off being a loner and rationalizing that for a good amount of time throughout your young adult life but that shit will start eating away at you more and more as you move onto that next stage in life. Hopefully you consider changing a bit before you turn into an unbreakable mold of being an antisocial, cynical asshole.

@Alexandru said:

@amir90 said:

Don't change into something you don't like. However I am bit shocked a your reaction to the girl, is there more to this story? Or did you just snap for no reason?

I also suck and no one likes me when they get to know me, so I'd rather have them hate me).

That kind of shit is what needs to change and yeah I realize changing a thought that ingrained into your head is hard but it has to happen. At least at your age you will still have people open enough to approach you. Wait another decade (more/less) and you may be at a point that nobody would want to approach you which will then fuel your drive to sink further into yourself and avoid everyone while thinking they all secretly despise you.

@amir90 said:

Don't change into something you don't like. However I am bit shocked a your reaction to the girl, is there more to this story? Or did you just snap for no reason?

She was asking me numerous times and I didn't know how to get out of it. What I forgot to mention is that I also have very bad social skills. Being more confident and talking more with others helped me get job and works well when I keep people to a distance, but when they want to get close (and by close I mean the most casual thing like having lunch or a beer) I panic and find excuses. I have to say I became very good at maintaining this appearence, but everything crumbles when they get closer (I also suck and no one likes me when they get to know me, so I'd rather have them hate me).

I also never had a gf (I had sex with... let's call them ladies of the night) so I don't have experience in that either. I know she wasn't asking me out or anything, but you know..

I'm as antisocial as they come and find most people to be a pain to be around, but you were a douche bag to act that way to the girl and yes it makes you a bad person. Apologize and make up some excuse about how you were having a bad day and that you are just not in the mindset to make friends, but if you just leave it the way you did you are a world class dick and should be ashamed of yourself.

That said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be left alone to do your thing. For me it's just a matter of having no interest in what other people consider fun. Every time my co-workers talk about what they do for fun it's getting drunk, doing drugs, or going to play sports. None of which interest me at all.

Just because they don't interest you and you don't want to make friends doesn't mean you get to act like a cunt and be rude to people. It's a good way to loose your job too. If everyone hates being around you at work because you are a mean/rude cunt then eventually they will find some excuse to get rid of you.

If staying a socially awkward loner is your thing, go ahead. But you can change and it's actually pretty great.

If someone had told my all black clothed pseudo-intellectual slightly overweight self that in a few years I would be wearing jeans, work out 5 days per week and be pretty good at social interactions, I would have said you're full of shit. But here I am, still enjoying the same things I always have, except I feel better and I am happier. Being social is a lot of fun, but as an introvert I also give myself time to be alone.

Don't fear a "new you", it's still you and by the time you get there.. you will have too much fun to give a shit what your former self held as nonsense limitations on who you could be.

But that's just me. Growing up is accepting and embracing constant change.

@Alexandru:

What is it that you hate about people who go out with friends? Why do you think you would necessarily become just like 'those' people, whomever they are, if you were to be social? Is it simply the act of being social you hate? Because I would have to call that into question if you have taken the time to write up this piece about the very nature of being social. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you are happy with your personal sense of normalcy by convincing all of us.

As for changing into a social person or staying the way you are I think either option is fine. You just have to decide what you truly want and not what you are trying to convince yourself of. To me, someone who is truly happy with who they are wouldn't have to create a thread announcing the fact that they are fine with themselves. The other thing is something that I've told my clients in the therapy that I've run. There is nothing wrong with being introverted just as there is nothing wrong with being extroverted. But he reality is that people can't always be introverts or extroverts all the time. So an introvert needs to learn how to be social and an extrovert needs to learn how to be alone. Since you've created this thread and have over a 100 posts on these forums it seems to me that you are already learning how to be somewhat social as you have interacted with this community (albeit in a more secure fashion over the internet rather than in person).

I hope you can come to terms with whoever you wish to be and I hope that whatever you decide the path to your personal realization is relatively seamless.

@Pezen said:

If staying a socially awkward loner is your thing, go ahead. But you can change and it's actually pretty great. If someone had told my all black clothed pseudo-intellectual slightly overweight self that in a few years I would be wearing jeans, work out 5 days per week and be pretty good at social interactions, I would have said you're full of shit. But here I am, still enjoying the same things I always have, except I feel better and I am happier. Being social is a lot of fun, but as an introvert I also give myself time to be alone. Don't fear a "new you", it's still you and by the time you get there.. you will have too much fun to give a shit what your former self held as nonsense limitations on who you could be. But that's just me. Growing up is accepting and embracing constant change.

This was my response to the guy that made the thread: So I'm similar, except I lost a lot of excess fat, gained some muscle(not too much, just enough that my T-shirts are now shaped by my figure and muscles) and I'm now marginally good looking-ish. I'm a lot more outgoing but I can't seem to make actual connections outside of the initial conversation with people because of some of my previous hang-ups and preconceptions that I picked up when I was fat.

This next bit I've edited so that it's aimed specifically at you for answers:

So this is basically my question... It's going to come off as really strange, but just go with it... How do I get myself involved with other people? As in how do I get people to want to invite me to their activities? Or do I just ask if I can come along too?(I never tried this last one because I worry it will scare people off because they think I'm desperate or something.)

What do you think are the answers to my questions?

Hey OP,

Modern society tends to modelled for extroverts. Marketing, the stock market, .COM have all been successful due to idealizing the concept of being outgoing, good with people, charismatic and socially outgoing. For quite some time it has shaped our global mindset.

You sound like a classic introvert to me. I doubt there is anything wrong with you at all, you are going through what sounds like every extreme introvert goes through! You should be proud, and know that the world's greatest innovators, thinkers and revolutionists have all been introverts. Extroverts just like to take all the credit.

My suggestion is that you pursue a select few personal interests, and be do your best to make the world a better place. Do you like sports? I like boxing and Jiu Jitsu because the competition aspect is personal - I only rely on myself.

A few months ago I heared a podcast discuss this very topic. I can't quite remember what it was, but I searched google, and found this: http://music.cbc.ca/#/blogs/2012/10/An-Introvert-in-an-Extroverts-World It's not quite what I was looking for, but you should read that.

Realize that these problems are rooted in fear. You are normal in that fearing change is a pretty common thing. Fearing social situations is pretty common too. But I think you need to do something about it, as now hating people that you see have social skills that you lack isn't healthy. Yes, you can change though and If you can overcome this I know you will be happier.

You will be happier if you make an effort to gather up some courage and just try to be more social. For example, getting lunch with that girl, I think there was little to lose. Getting lunch with her one time is not a big investment and theres a possibility you'd even have a good time so give it a chance next time. You don't have to go to every "lets get a beer after work' invitation, just say "you're busy" and leave it at that. But do try and gather up the courage to go to a few of them, if somone is making an effort to reach out to you take it as a compliment and give them a chance.

You're not going to lose what makes you an individual by pursuing a few selected social interests. You don't have to go spending all your time socializing, just move from 0% to 10%. I think you will be happier.

You have the rest of your life to play video games, try making friends and being social now because it will only get harder the longer you wait.

That said, don't push it, take opportunities as they come, don't be creepy.

@Alexandru:

I see. The best advice I can give you, is just go for it.

Not that the lunch meeting means anything, just go with friends.

I have been in a similar situation like you, not that severe as you describe it, but the best solution imo was to try enjoy the time.

Worst case scenario, you experienced something you wouldn't have otherwise.

Other then that, I cannot help you.

@Alexandru: I don't have quite the same experience as you, but I do understand a bit of what you're going through. For me, I was in college and became extremely closed off while I was trying (read: failing) to write my dissertation. Anyway, I spent very long periods of time literally not speaking to or seeing anyone. Sometimes for more than a week. This went on for 6 months or so. During that time, I had a very difficult time speaking to people. Part of it was because I was trying to isolate myself to run away from some problems. But the other part was that I started to forget how to interact properly with people. It doesn't take much solitary confinement (in my case, self-imposed) to become really confused and scared in social situations.

I eventually figured it all out, but it took a while. I don't know if this is how you feel (that you are incapable of having and sustaining real human relationships), but, if it is, know that, eventually, you'll figure it out and it won't be so alien anymore. I really, really suggest seeing a therapist to discuss how to interact with people. Having an outside perspective from someone who understands normal social interactions can really help a lot.

And, you also need to love yourself more dude. I know it's easier said than done, and there are a lot of factors out there that militate against it, but you really need to believe that you aren't worthless. If you keep having that belief and you keep pushing people away, you're going to have a lonely, depressing life. And no one wants that, despite how much you say you hate happy people. It's OK to be jealous, but just remember that that hate come from longing. But, once you have those relationships and you love yourself a bit more, you'll wonder why you ever harbored so much resentment.

Hope this thread helps dude and I hope you muster the courage to change. I know I did, and it's the fucking best.

You sound a bit fucked in the head to be honest.

No, it's not normal. I understand the desire to be alone for a while - hell, I'm greatly anticipating the peace and quiet of aloneness for a week or two when Christmas comes - but you really shouldn't push people away like that. That's a symbol of a personal problem that you're just denying. You know, deep down, that you've got an issue, but your pride and your bitterness are both keeping you from realizing that going to lunch with that girl might have been a really good thing for you.

Look, even if you want to spend all of your life sheltered from society, don't be a dick to other people. You should apologize to that girl. There are more respectable ways to say "I do not want to go to lunch."

I was in a similar situation in highschool and only about halfway through my senior year did I meet someone who became my best friend, and she helped me come out of my shell and make tons of friends and do things outside the house and hang out with people etc. etc.

I was only able to overcome that stigma of loneliness and isolation by letting 1 person in, and then letting them help me to broaden my horizons.

Sure it's normal dude, but I have to recommend that you let SOMEBODY into your heart/ life. But that can be Difficult as hell, I was lucky to find someone who Truly cared.

Maybe go apologize to that girl, it's a dark path you're on my friend.

kinda just hope you apologize to that girl

I think if you don't do this now, if you don't take this chance to do something you don't feel comfortable with, but which will probably make you a happier person, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life, and I can't think of anything worse to feel than regret. You can feel sad or angry or whatever at anybody you want for how they are or how they act, and maybe that can make you feel better because you have someone to blame, but if you regret something it's because you failed to act in some way that you wanted. Regret is the worst.

@laserbolts said:

You told a girl to go to hell because she wanted to have lunch with you? I'm happy to say I'm not like you. You may want to work on that.

this.

Also I think you need to work on the whole "not wanting people to like you" attitude. That doesnt really get you anywhere

Sounds to me like you're scared and you're hiding from that fact by pretending that you don't want things to be different. After all, change can be one of the most frightening things because you're venturing into the unknown, so it's a lot easier to just leave things as they are.

I can tell you from experience, though, that avoiding change will not make things better in the long run. This doesn't mean that this change will be without obstacles, but those are made to overcome, and in time you will be better for it.

I have zero problem communicating with people and can easily be center of attention if i go out..... But I would much rather stay home and learn something, play a game, work more, go on a hike with the gf/dogs somewhere quiet than be bored by most general conversation. I prefer very few but good relationships and have a very strong desire to improve my standing in life by all means we measure with today, mostly for security for kids and my family but I'm also very competitive. Going out or not going out and following all the social norms doesn't mean much in itself. Many intellectuals are introverts for example, that doesn't make one weird or something.

That said I don't like change, some would say I'm boring and I don't like most people because they are speed bumps per say or inefficient. But I am very successful and am extremely happy with my life. Moral of the story do whatever makes you happy, if you are safe and happy, you are doing better than most. Gotta at least learn to fake at work or the grocery store though.....

You need to find a balance of knowing when it's okay to be by yourself, and knowing when you have to properly interact with people.

Wanting to be alone all the time is fine when you are a child because you can get away with it, but to be a functioning adult with a job and responsibilities, you need to be able to speak with people. If you don't want to go out and get drinks with co-workers after work or whatever, fine, but you still need to properly interact with people everyday like a mature person and not some moody, headphones-wearing teenager. This isn't grade school.

i would think so. i kind of am the same person i was 10 years ago. i think i talk a little more but my have some muscle on me also.

only thing i wish to is be able to have a conversation. i kind of give one worded answers don't know what to say next.

Sounds like Asperger's Syndrome to me....

You might want to read up on Schizoid disorder, OP. You may have it.

@Alexandru: case in point .. i once lived in this state , and am glad to say i have changed greatly , and luckily didnt catch any flesh eating bacteria or whatever might have been growing in that mess .. but i still only recently thought this picture was "funny" when in reality to most ppl its horrific ..

i was so up my own ass that i thought nobody wanted to spend time with me etc cuz they were all assholes etc .. but i couldnt even bother taking care of myself properly and it showed. im still neglectful of basic shit and i have to remind myself to do things that other ppl just automaticly do. I feel sorry to the housemates that had to live with me while despite containing my mess to my own personal space , the smell must have permeated beyond that .. i just DIDNT CARE , i was already on antidepressants and had been seeing counsellors and offloading crap for years ,but as far as changing anything about my clearly miserable state , i didnt care and didnt want to make the effort because it really was that .. too much effort.

when i look back at my life im often brought to tears at how much i had taken for granted , and how much awesomeness and wonderful ppl were actually in my life all the time , i feel pain knowing that I pushed most of that away from myself , but i know it was just a way of coping with other shit , im 31 , and the effort hasnt gotten any easier , but im making baby steps of improvements every day and im glad ..

its really hard to reach out to complete strangers and share personal thoughts and feelings .. when i initially posted this pic i almost wanted to kill myself because i really had ignored and distanced myself from the kind of judgement i received , (and probably will upon posting that pic again) .. but all in all that experience actally helped kill part of me that still thought my self destructive lifestyle was "comfortable" ..

I stopped taking anti depressants 3-4 years ago , and life hasnt been perfect either , plenty of annoying shit and even some tragic loss to bring me to rock bottom a few times still .. ITS STILL REALLY HARD ... hehe

i dont know where im going with this but .. you arent alone , and even if you were , theres no escaping the fact that, you are here tlaking about it , you have the will to live and the courage to face its shit. dont credit yourself with anything less .

This is the same guy that tried to get wax out of his ear with fire. Just.. not worth your time, duders.

also i once told a girl " you may not adhere to society's aesthetic of beauty , but i still find you attractive " ... boy was i wrong about that being romantic

and the last girl i actually got close to , i had to excuse myself and vomit and had a crazy panic attack about being touched on my leg ........... hooray adjustment.

all i can re-iterate upon is celebrate the fact you made these posts and are talking about it with absolute strangers and weirdos :)

@Alexandru

Have you ever attempted any sort of medical treatment for depression? If not, I think you should consider it. Talk to your doctor.

@envane: I don't smell, and my desk was never that bad (I cleaned it once a week at latest, but since I work, it never gets too bad in the first place.)

You wanna try like people and reason with them, good for you, but I'd rather die than change.

@envane said:

also i once told a girl " you may not adhere to society's aesthetic of beauty , but i still find you attractive " ... boy was i wrong about that being romantic

and the last girl i actually got close to , i had to excuse myself and vomit and had a crazy panic attack about being touched on my leg ........... hooray adjustment.

all i can re-iterate upon is celebrate the fact you made these posts and are talking about it with absolute strangers and weirdos :)

Well, I'm not gonna talk to people that I know, thats for sure. Someone calling me an idiot online is fine by me, but in real life would be different :)

Well do what you want to do....  You cant let people tell you want you can/cant do (to a certain extent of course) but at the same time, if youre unhappy then why not try something new?  You might as well