Before I start, i wanna say that I am fully aware that many of you will ridicule me, and that it's entirelly possible that this thread may be banned. I am taking my chances tho.
Long story short, I was fat all my teenage years and retreated indoors. I was almost never bullied, but I was ignored by people, so I came to hate them(and I was very shy). I basically just stay at home all day and play games.
A few months ago I started losing weight so i will boost my confidence and looks a bit to get a job, which I did. I work in web design for over a month now, and it's working good.
The weird thing is that even if I have enough courage to speak to people more now because I look better and have a job, I tend to not want to do that. I am obviously still a bit quiet, but no where near as much as before.
In a way this does make me miserable because I am always alone and have no friends, but at the same time I would hate myself if I changed that.
And that is because I've been like this all my life and started hating happy people that go out and have lives, etc (I know I am being an asshole for thinking that, but that's just how I feel).
And if I was to go out and have a life, then I would become just like them, which is the thing I hate the most.
This is what makes me keep wanting to be this way. It's weird because I know I will never be happy, but at the same time, I feel that if I change, then I might aswell die, since the person I would become won't be me.
The reason why i am asking this question now, is that since I have this job and started talking more (before everyone could tell something is wrong with me, but now I am incognito). I am constantly seeing myself having to push people away since they will never give up on wanting to go places and **** like that.
I was pretty mean to a girl the other day because she kept inviting me for lunch and I kept putting it off and at yesterday I just snapped at her and told her to go to hell.
So i guess my question is, did any of you ever felt this way? Not necesarely about my problem (im pretty sure I am just a rare occuring fuckup).