"When I was in school with him, he would shout memes across the halls. An all around terrible guy.
It was summer and I thought, "Hey, I'm bored and I really don't like that guy. I'm going to pretend to be in love with his girlfriend (we were good friends) and convince her to 'go out' with me instead." It took some pretty hard work but I managed to do it. I spent a while pointing out all of his flaws and why I was a better choice and she actually came around and said that she'd go out with me instead of him. I mean, I live super far away so it's not like that means anything, but mission success: he got dumped!
but then, you know, I realized that the girl expects me to actually do boyfriend-ey things like talk to her and listen to her problems and stuff"
i decided to quote my favourite parts of your post, which turned out to be almost all of it. you've come to the right place to get help son... you came to the right place. *reassuring pat on the shoulder*
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