So im not looking for advice so much as a place to vent i suppose, life has really been... stupid is the word im looking for i suppose these past few years. Some of its out of my hands, most of its my own fault but its made me realize that i may never actually do anything meaningful with my life. I have a bad habit of keeping things inside and then bursting all at once and burning bridges weather it be friends, jobs or whatever. Im shy and when i do speak im a loud mouth, i say things i dont mean and never say what i feel.
I worked at a defense contractor for 2 years from 2008 to 2010, i hated it while i was there, and yet after i was laid off i looked back and saw that i really had it good. After that i had a hell of a time finding jobs, i worked about 2 months last winter at a place that worked on railroad wheels and axles. It diden't work out because i was freezing every day and the work its self was just too dangerous for my taste. Then in April i started working for the same asshole i worked for way back in 2007 again, the work was easy but he was a asshole and i ended up blowing a fuse on him and quitting. Now im still throwing in applications left and right to shitty jobs in this hellhole i live in. I tried to get a job through a company my dad works for but i think they ignored me for the fact they already know i have heart problems as the first question the idiot asked me at the interview was if i can do it with my "issues". Im convinced that Pennsylvania is full of nothing but shitty jobs and assholes. Im guessing someone will confirm its like this everywhere.
On top of that is the fact that im still living with my parents at 23, thank god there so nice to me and let me stay with them but i would love to move out someday. If theres one good thing in my life its them i suppose but i feel like a mooch at times. Added to all that i still have like 600 bucks in medical debt from my yearly tests for my heart and now they want me to go get a stress test some time this year in Pittsburgh for god knows reason why. My heart is basically fine now but i had open heart surgery when i was little and had the fontan procedure done which always weighs on my mind as it has a high rate of sudden death and its sorta unreliable past the age of 30 from what i'v read. I find it hard to care about money and shit when my general attitude is i could be here today, gone tomorrow. Dont get me wrong im grateful for being is such great health all things concerned but its scary not knowing what my hearts future holds.
Right now im working construction on the side with my uncle, ironically enough we are working on the business where i said i quit and told the boss off last summer so its sorta awkward at times. Its backbreaking work, and im still out in the fucking cold which sucks. I spent last weekend on a roof 35 feet off the ground, what a life i lead.
So in conclusion my life is shitty, im still trying to look on the bright side but man some days just make yea wanna snap. If you read this i thank yea. Feel free to tell me what im doing wrong.